1. Introduction
2. Reason #1: I Am an Individual, Not a Gender Identity
3. Reason #2: I Don't Care What People Call Me
4. Reason #3: Focusing on Gender Pronouns Sexualizes People and Triggers Me
5. Reason #4: I Do Not Care About Being Misgendered
6. Reason #5: I Do Not Want to Be Referred To
7. Conclusion
Content
1. Introduction
A pronoun is a
word or phrase used to refer to someone or something. Gender pronouns (or
gender-based pronouns) are used to refer to a person by their gender, as
shorthand, in place of their name.
Over the last
several years, it has become more and more common - especially in socially
liberal or left-leaning circles - to provide one's gender-based pronouns, while
introducing oneself to a new group of people.
I have
encountered this phenomenon twice so far in my life; once in a union meeting,
and again for a meeting of environmentalists.
I have written
this article in order to explain why I do not feel comfortable introducing
myself using gender pronouns.
2. Reason #1: I Am an Individual, Not a Gender Identity
For one, my
gender identity is not an integral part of my identity. I do not primarily
identify as a man, a woman, male, nor female, nor anything else "in
between" nor "other". What I primarily identify
as, is an individual.
If someone
wishes to refer to me, then I would hope that they would refer to me as
"Joe" (my first name), or as "Joseph", "Joey", or
"Joe Kopsick" (or my full name "Joseph William Kopsick").
Notice that I
said "hope". I hope that people refer to me by my
chosen name. If someone wants to call me "Steve", "Billy",
"Josephine", "Princess", or "X AE A-12", that is
their choice. Attempting to refer to me by that name would be completely
unproductive, and would only confuse people about to whom they're referring.
But it would not offend or insult me.
3. Reason #2: I Don't Care What People Call Me
There is no
point in getting "offended" or "insulted" when someone
refers to you by the wrong name. If they're doing it on purpose, then I would
understand feeling offended. But even if a person is trying to
offend or insult you, nobody can actually make you feel one
way or another. Your feelings are under your control.
If you suspect
that someone is trying to hurt your feelings by calling you by
the incorrect name, then you have every right to confront the person about
that. As long as you remember that feeling insulted, or saying "I'm
offended", doesn't give you any extra rights.
All you can do
is inform people of the name, or pronouns, with which you would like to
be referred, and hope that they respond in-kind. You cannot make someone
refer to you by any name, because they are in control of their mouths and voice
boxes; not you.
I have no
preferences regarding what I would like people to call me. As I explained, if
they don't call me "Joe", then I may suspect that they are talking
about somebody else. But I am not about to start ordering people to call me by
any particular name, nor by any particular set of pronouns.
That's because I
am not a grammar Nazi, nor a control freak. I do not care what people call me.
4. Reason #3: Focusing on Gender Pronouns Sexualizes People and Triggers Me
You can read about that fire at the following link:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/El_Dorado_Fire
5. Reason #4: I Do Not Care About Being Misgendered
If you feel it necessary to use pronouns when referring to me, then I would not be offended, hurt, insulted, nor shocked, if you guessed. Not even if you guessed incorrectly. I would be confused, but not offended.
I do not care about being misgendered (that is, identified as a member of "the wrong gender"). I would rather be misgendered, than order people to use - or not to use - certain words, when referring to me.
6. Reason #5: I Do Not Want to Be Referred To
When I introduce
myself to a group, I assume that - if someone wishes to speak to me - they
will address me directly, calling me by my name.
I do not assume
that they will chiefly reference me by referring to me in the third person
while speaking to other people in the group.
If you need to
mention me to someone else in the group, then my first name "Joe"
will suffice perfectly, in place of whatever pronouns you may wish that I had
indicated that I prefer.
As I explained,
I do not wish to "force" nor "make" people call me by any
particular name(s) or gender pronoun(s), and I cannot force
anybody to say anything because I don't control their mouth.
But what I suggest,
is that, if someone wishes to refer to me, to another person in the group, then
there is no reason whatsoever why they need to
refer to me as "him" or "he".
Instead of
"him" or "her", say "Joe". Instead of
"he" or "she", say "Joe".
Now, it may feel
awkward to you to say "Joe" every five seconds instead of using
"he" as shorthand, but imagine how awkward I might
feel having my gender referred to every few seconds, or (even
worse) being prompted to focus on my gender as if it were an integral (or the
second-most important) part of my identity.
There is no
reason why you can't say to someone, "How do you think Joe feels about
that" instead of "How do you think he feels about
that". There is no reason why you can't say, "Let's invite Joe to the
event later this week" instead of "Let's invite him to
the event later this week."
If you think
that all of this is a bit too much for me to tell you about myself, then
imagine how I must feel when you ask me to talk about my sexual or gender
identity the very same moment that I meet you for the first time!
In fact, if your
question is "How do you think Joe feels about that", then why don't
you ask me how I feel about it, instead of asking someone
else!?
If we referred
to each other by their names when speaking to each other - and never gossiped
about each other behind one another's backs - then there would be almost zero
need for third-person pronouns (let alone gender pronouns).
The
American-Israeli philosopher Dr. Martin Buber explained, in his book I
and Thou, referring to someone as "it" or "he" has a
very different character from calling that person "you". Dr. Buber
(not "he", but Dr. Buber) explains that referring to someone in the
third person, separates that person from oneself (I). When you engage directly
with a person, and speak directly to them, you remove that separation, and
enter into a real, direct relationship with that person.
Buber even went
so far as to assert that this implies that there is no such thing as
"they" (a plural form of the third-person pronouns "it",
"he", and "she"). Referring to a group of people as
"they" not only separates them from yourself and the
person to whom you are speaking, it "others" them. Here, I use
"other" as a verb, meaning that calling people "they"
implies that they are so different from you and the person to whom you are
speaking, that it is almost as if they are not worthy of being spoken to
directly.
I would prefer that people not gossip about me behind my back. I would prefer that people refer to me as "Joe". But just because I might prefer that, that does not mean that it gives me any right to do anything about it.
Stop talking about me, and start talking to me.
7. Conclusion
I care more about other people's freedom to use whichever words they please, than I am worried about being misgendered. I care more about helping people not to feel excluded or "othered" than I do about labeling them.
This is
why my preferred pronouns are "Shut the fuck up", "Joe-self" and
"Go-fuck-your-self".
Written on September 8th, 2021
Published on September 8th, 2021
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