Thursday, March 15, 2018

Coping with a Faith-Based Currency: A Guide for the Uninitiated

     In February 2018, The Zambian Observer published an article entitled “Witches and Wizards Are Very Important to the Development of Our Economy – Prof[essor] Luo”. According to the article, Nkandu Luo, a professor and Higher Education Minister in Zambia, said that her country ought to utilize “witchcraft technology” to aid the development of the nation.
     Luo has suggested that witchcraft technology could be used to help Zambians become capable of “travelling long distances within seconds”. She has reportedly called on scientists to “consider conducting research and the study of witchcraft as a science that can be used productively for the benefit of the country”, commenting “I could not help but think of witchcraft when I saw a mobile phone put into a box and it turned into a lady's pant!”

     Fortunately for us in the Western world, we have our own “witchcraft technology” that allows us to travel long distances within seconds, and helps us turn a cell phone into a lady's pant... it's called a cell phone!
     Nevertheless, Professor Luo is to be commended for her attention to the need to increase research on witchcraft as a science. Of course, witchcraft needs to be explored not only as a physical science, but also as an economic science. That's because, as an innately spiritual science, witchcraft studies have applications and ramifications which lie far outside the realm of the mere mortal, material, and infrastructural.
     Simply put, a voodoo economics must necessarily have a proper voodoo microeconomics and a voodoo macroeconomics to go with it. … The new ritual is gonna help with the corn.
     And that is the purpose of this article; to help explain to you – the muggle – how to budget your moon-perusal-time-labor-mountain-hour-value responsibly, so that you can avoid putting too much of your retirement funds on over-comprehensively packaged Petrodollar-Weapondollar-Coalition-backed blood-sweat-tears dollars derivatives (PWC-USD-BST), and start putting too much of your retirement savings into living forever!
     It's fine to think of your retirement as a basket full of “nest eggs”, but it's better to think of it as a vampire's bed. It's a casket, not a basket!TM Planning to retire is planning to fail. Hey, maybe we would live a little longer if the money that pays for our medical needs weren't covered in toxic chemicals!

     Once you've finished summoning the dæmon or angel of your choice- oops! Did I forget to mention that that's what you were supposed to be doing while reading the previous article? Oh well. That's just how chaos magick goes sometimes; you don't know what you've summoned until the angel is standing over your left shoulder reading this... Oh hey, how's it goin'!?... Look what you made me do!
     Anyway, one moment you're fastening a candelabra onto your wall, the next thing you know, you're reading upside-down and summoning the ghost of Aaron Spelling so you can spell the word you're spelling correctly while you cast a spell with the word that you're spelling. It happened to Xzibit, it can happen to any one of us. Let your freak Frigg fly.
     As soon as you let the angel (a category which technically encompasses all dæmons, in addition to cherubim and other choirs) help you finish your interior decorating scheme, you are ready to take the steps necessary to start using the fad currency of this month, which I have decided is a tiny clone of Jesus Christ that fits in your pocket, and writes down all the transactions that you complete using Him into the Book of Life forever and ever, Amen.
     And this clone of Jesus, His Name shall be called The Bread of LifeTM. You know that 150-year-old sourdough bread in San Francisco that keeps expanding, and they keep cutting little hunks of sourdough bread off of it, and then bake it so they can sell it to people? That is what the Kingdom of Heaven is like. The life in your loaf is not diminished by the Wheat in your Feet.

Although I have explained at great length in the previous articles why Jesus Christ makes a nearly perfect currency, to paraphrase John: “there are also many other things which Jesus did, the which, if they should be written every one, I suppose that even the world itself could not contain the economics books that should be written.”
     For Jesus hath paid all our taxes, the rent, and even picked up the check at the Last Supper, by paying His life, otherwise valued at but thirty pieces of silver. This is why self-sacrifice is the basis of prudent investment. This is, truly, the Greatest Story Ever Sold! It's called the “Bible”, it tells you what to buy right in the name! For God's omnipotence is so great that it defies all logic; He is so all-powerful that even He could never make a dinner check so big that He himself could not pick it up.
     Only a mortal asshole like one of us could fuck up so bad that it throws a god off the course of His day. God's fuckups cost us money, but our fuckups cost God money (Isaiah 53:5). So if you don't use a currency that keeps current with what God wants, then you're not going to be able to pay God the specific type of money he said to leave in the knotted Tree of Life in the park at midnight if you ever want to see His Sun again.
     That is why I'd like to share with you the Gospel of Christ Socialist, and accept Jesus Christ as your Lord, Savior, and currency. I mean, if Jesus Christ is not a major credit card, then why is He accepted everywhere? This is the illusory nature of God.

     The wages of sin is death. Christ died, you save! Christ's savings get “passed on” (no pun intended) to you.
     A debt that is forgiven, is considered paid. Through Christ, all is forgiven; the rent, what you owe for your food, your taxes, all of it. That means all is paid; you don't even owe anyone your blood. Any blood you give will be of your own volition. Send your blood now to Commodity Fetish Records, and receive a free permit to commit the sin of your choice! Think of it as a self-Indulgence, a Get-Out-of-Inquisition-Free Card.
     You can't be saved without God's blood, and you can't be fiscally responsible unless you take matters into your own Hands, so if God won't allow His blood to be shed, then you've got to take that blood, and get your money back! Do you have any idea how valuable the blood of Christ (also known as Divine Wine) is? Why, you could clone one of those little blood-cell donuts and make yourself a Jesus-clone with a donut-hole hand-piercing to sit in your pocket and keep your books all cosmic Day (1,000 Earth years) long!
     Even mortal blood makes an excellent currency, as I have explained. It's made of living tissue, so it's basically alive, and that means it's mobile and easily transportable. Much like Christ, blood and bloodshed are accepted everywhere (or, at least, everywhere that Christ is accepted). You can't have a currency unless it's covered in blood, and what's more covered in blood than blood itself?
     The answer is, of course, U.S. Dollars. But we must not crucify mankind on a cross of gold, nor a cross of paper. If we cannot use Go(l)d as our money, then the Word must suffice. For at least the Word is written on paper. But if our money is drenched with the Blood of Christ, then why should it be made of paper and cotton, when it could be made of paper and wool? Follow the Lamb.

     If we keep the Bible in our chest pockets, then we can keep God close to our hearts. But if we keep Jesus clones in our pants pockets, we can keep God close to our farts. For Jesus-clones, like Peter at the Gates of Dawn Heaven, are not just Living Blockchains, but Blockchains Who Never Died. Only Jesus and St. Peter know, with their Book of Life, who hath smelt it and who hath dealt it; who's been naughty and who's been nice. They are the Bookkeepers of Life, who taketh all bets.
     Yea, though God the Father be the only one who knoweth when to hold 'em and knoweth when to fold 'em, mortals may place any bet they please on when Olam Ha-Ba (the World to Come) will be nigh. All opposed, say “nigh”. The debts of the unrepentant sinners are the only debts left to be paid, and they must be paid in a Bill, so sayeth Bill Nigh the Christian Science Guy. But Benedictine Order now, and you can pipe-organ-ize your pockets with this limited-edition vest-pocket savior! Save your money, savior soul!
     Is your landlord harassing you for the rent? Well, unless Jesus is your landlord, just tell them that your rent has already been paid, because Jesus is your real landlord, and He has your rent covered... covered in blood, no less! That's the kind of true coverage that only a major credit card could offer. That's why the Body of Christ has been traded - from hand to hand, from prison to prison - for the last two-thousand-some-odd years. He never died; He went to Rome, to be crucified again! It's like the B-52s said: “Rome if you want to, Rome around the world.”
     But Jesus is stuck down in the Vatican vaults somewhere, chained up next to all the other Human Books, waiting for someone to look Him up in the RoloCodex. Yea, the Son of God is like a turtle or a hermit crab, carrying His Cross around – from life to life – as His only permanent home. This is God's mortgage to bear, literally meaning “death agreement”.
     A cross, by the way, makes an excellent long-term investment, because it serves as a mobile home; you can lay down on it even when you have nowhere to lay Your head.

     Don't get me wrong; we all want to “make money”. But remember that gun control slogan “Guns don't kill people, people kill people”? You don't “make money”; the Department of the Treasury does! “How can we make money?” Only with the blood of Jesus. Or with a communion wafer printing press.
     It is profoundly irrational, absurd, and naïve to think that you could “make” money that most other people would be willing to use. Just as it is absurd to imagine that you can truly earn or own a currency which is made by somebody else, has the name of a private company on it, and is covered with the faces of dead people. Shouldn't it be covered with your face? Or maybe, like... the blood of Jesus Christ (like, instead of the blood, sweat, and tears of the working taxpayer)? But hey, you can't make a currency omelet without breaking a couple of legs. A currency amulet, however, is a different story.
     The hole in our currency is like the holes in our souls. A currency with a hole in it, is one that can be chained up, and a currency that can be chained up can also be chained down. But on the other HandTM, a currency that can be chained up can also be easily transported. Of course, you can't make a necklace without something pierced to thread it through, and an angel that is not held in chains is free to disobey God.
     Being in chains may bring you sorrow, but if you've ever worked in meat processing, you know that some tasks require the worker's hands to be chained in order to prevent them from being accidentally cut off by giant slicing equipment. And who knows better about how to process and present an old chunk of flesh, and then act like they didn't play any role in butchering it, than the Catholic Church? Pews and graves have got to be filled.

     We must render unto Caesar's that which is Caesar's, and render unto God that which is God's. In Matthew and Mark, Jesus instructs his followers to examine whose face is on the coins they're using; it's the face of Tiberius Caesar.
     Is George Washington on your money? Send it back to George Washington. Is he dead? Drop it on his grave and make it rain! Is “Federal Reserve” on your money? Send it back to the Federal Reserve! They're the only ones who believe it has any value anyway. Jesus, though, couldn't come right out and say that, because no matter what He said on the topic, it would have been misinterpreted.
     See, it's not often explained that Jesus had a speech impediment, resulting from His snake-like triple-forked tongue. It was a mutation which rendered Him (what, in those days, was considered) a “cripple”. But just like Rudolph's red nose, this hideous deformity served a useful purpose to his peers: speaking three languages at once. The laughing and calling him names came later.
     Jesus' trilingualism - “a state of having three tongues” in denotation, but “a state of using three languages” in connotation - allowed Him to transmit three messages at once, to three different audiences (just like Hillary Clinton!). It's confusing to the novice believer, but if you can read between the two outermost of Jesus's three tongues, then when you read the Bible, you can read between the lines.

     Don't believe for a second that you can own a currency that lacks an image of your own face. As Man is made in the image of God, an image of the human face is an image – a representation - of the visage of God. And that is the true Mark of Value.

     In Emperor we trust.

Written on March 15th, 2018