Why Yap Island Stone Coins Tanked on Friday

            A billion and a half Chinamen probably couldn’t each have his own Yap Island stone coin. But it’s not like it’s entirely out of the question.

            The Yap Island stone coin (abbreviated YIC, and also known as rai) – most of whose value evidently derives from the similarity of its shape to the ever-popular treat known as the doughnut (or, in the parlance of the hoi-polloi, “donut”) – illustrates an important point about money. Namely, that it has a great big hole in it.

So what would it take to make YIC into the new standard for a viable world reserve currency? Check this out: If you fuck a donut, have you fucked the donut, or have you fucked the donut hole? Most importantly, have you fucked yourself? We must look at the hole issue. It wouldn’t be unreasonable to conclude from these data simply that Our Money is Fucked,^TM but let’s make sure we can see the donut for the hole.

For each Chinaman to have his own YIC, although highly impractical, is the sad course of affairs on which we have set about. For the value of the Yap Island stone coin lies in the labor which was undertaken in order to construct it; and additionally, in the labor it takes to distribute it. Each one of us can’t just carry an Easter Island statue in his pocket; they have to be carefully carved, moved according to The Game, and revered in keeping with the ancient sacrificial rites, all that good stuff.

Money creation gives a new meaning to the phrase “you’ve gotta spend money to make money”. But that’s not so; you can’t gain money by spending money, nor gain value by selling. You don’t have to read Menger to know that; yea, for, as Ivan imparted, “we can dance, everybody look at your hands”. The hole in the donut, we shall refer to as debt. So, then, whither lies the donut hole? Audit Fort Knox and you’ll find out. Maybe it’s been right there in your hand the hole time.

As with any other currency, the supposed value of the YIC lies not only in the labor-value thought to be contained within it (as if a produced good somehow traps value), but also in its widespread acceptability and use. If nobody is willing to use them – and do all the strenuous work necessary to move them – then the YIC have little to no value; only to those who recognize, honor, and compensate the hard day’s work that went into donutizing The Rock. Only to those unwilling to wait for The Rock to Come to Them.

How lucky would you be to stumble upon a Yap Island stone coin? You’d be richer than all your friends, you could buy all the seashells you want. You’d certainly have something precious on your hands; something rare and unique. But then again, what if you found a thousand of them, and gave them to all your friends!? They’d all be richer than one another!

But this is all assuming that you can even find someone willing to accept YIC, who’s willing to sell what you want, and believes that YIC are as valuable as you believe they are. But what are the odds of that? Who’d carry it? The only realistic solution is to store your money at home. But then, you say, you can’t bring them to market. Ah, but see, that’s yet another problem. Only a fool wagers his most valuable assets, yet only a fool leaves them at home where they’re of no value to anyone else.

And yet that is what the Yapese did; once the coins arrived on the island, they were deemed too large and heavy to be moved each time they were used, so the islanders decided that the coins should stay put, but change ownership.

It should be as clear as Orgonite by now that we’re grappling with a paradox: that a currency derives its value from its scarcity and uniqueness, yet at the same time, its widespread acceptance and ubiquitous use.

The rarest gem in the world supposedly holds so much value, but what exchange-value does it have? None. It has sentimental value only to its possessor, and use-value only to those who either have the skills necessary to refine the gem, or are interested in purchasing the product after such finishing and refinement processes. If the holder won’t sell, then no use-value can be derived from it.

“To myself, I am everything!”: so proclaimed Saint Max. I echo this sentiment. All my use-value is contained within my body and its powers, its potential. I alone Am a viable currency. I alone Am current, I alone Am present; am presence itself. For I Am everywhere, yet nowhere. I am the voice in the wilderness. I tread not upon the streets of men, yet I Am accessible to all. Who Am I? I Am both a who and a what, a subject and an object. I Am, at least potentially (if I am invited), all of this, yet I am not floating around in men’s pockets.

Just as the lamp is within the genie, and just as the Dead concert can never be taken out of the hippie, is not the time-money-moon-value (not to be confused with Blood Sugar Sex Magik) which is contained within me, fostering high, sustained growth of a real store of value within my Own Holy Vehicle (i.e., corpse-in-waiting)? I mean, repent, for fuck’s sake, for your days are numbered, for your home is built of nails, fire, and blood!

A stable (ahem, excuse me, I’m a little horse) fire insurance company will not – neigh, cannot – survive without local building codes demanding that what shelters us from the elements must be made of easily collapsible, flammable materials. This is a viable long-term bu$ine$$ strategy that will support $ound mØney. They don’t call it re-pent-ance for no reason; you’ll have to build yourself a new penthouse in the sky! So build that house of hay; until you do, you’ll be on pins and needles in that haystack. To sit on a house of stilts is to keep one’s head in the clouds. And that’s how you get to Heaven; the same way an ostrich does, except backwards. You just put your head through the donut hole.

There is no store of value in your home. The only home with a real store of value is when a hermit crab takes up residence inside a human skull. And Feng Shuis the shit out of it. The Chinese tea-brick can be used as medicine or food, even construction material, in an emergency. That’s how you make a currency. Not that skulls and bones don’t make excellent construction materials; have you seen some of those churches They got in the Czech Republic?

So be the king or queen of your castle, and make your home your temple. After all, it’s right there on the side of your head. Just as your permanent home is the flesh-prison from which you’re trying to escape, and, at that, the only viable world-reserve currency. To you, it’s worth everything else. After all, every country has people to wager, as a way to back that currency up, doesn’t it? Back it up! Only problem is, that country doesn’t have you. To ignore that is like trying to take the hole out of the donut, trying to drink the Blood of the Savior from a bottle of wine. You gotta get back. Plato’s Cave is the only residence that’s sheltered from all five elements. I mean, I Am a Rock, right?

Estonia has an e-currency, and you can’t spell Estonia without “stone”. Prisoners use cigarettes as currency (and, as Ronnie pointed out, they’re the most stable currency in North America, resting steadily at 25 cents each for at least the last three decades). So why not have panarcho-prison-e-cigs as the world reserve currency? Using an electronic cig could make it trackable from a remote location, another important value-padding characteristic for moneys to have. Besides, the cigarette (aside from being essentially a wedding ring, made of paper, that you fill with tobacco, which many people are married to, rendering it the perfect family heirloom) is the only currency that will smoke us into death, and into Heaven, where our treasure is.

As Blame asks when he requests a cigarette, “Will you help me die?”. That’s real value; the value of certainty, the value of death.

But let us not confine ourselves to a discussion of mere currencies; money is where it’s at. This is where the Pharaohs come in. Pharaoh says fire is the ultimate money; for fire is elemental, and a tool whose use renders he who wields it a god. This simple fact is hidden from every NomNomNomics 101 class you’ll find, yet it is remarkably easy to demonstrate. You’d be shocked to Discover® how much money you can extract from someone through the simple act of setting fire to all they hold dear. This also demonstrates that the (Fire)Power Theory of Value is immutable; unfalsifiable, immune from dispute, questioning, even logic. How can such an offer be refused?

But most importantly, only fire possesses (that is, takes spiritual control of) all the characteristics that mortals desire in a stable money. It’s portable, it’s trackable, it’s electronic, it’s accepted everywhere, it’s easily divisible into standardized units, it fits in your pocket… It is a dangerous servant and a fearful master; the primordial spark which maieutically birthed each of our thought-babies from the sacred annals of bio-history, and the desolate, deserted lome, the whirling cosmic dervish unto which we are destined to someday return; perhaps as fuel for the fire, perhaps stored neatly as computer data on a sun that’s really some otaku’s self-custom-designed computer tower.

Don’t worry about whether a black hole can store labor-value, nor worry where your thinky-thoughts are going. Keep your mind on your mooney, and your mooney on the Mound. Pyotr had it right; bread-backed currencies (like MannaLoaf^TM and SalvationCoin®) are the wave of the future. He understood that the buck(skin) stops here. Each one of us, deep within our holes, knows the value of a buck, and that of a dough. To be Frank, you can’t have one without the other.

That will bring us back to doe; the deer, dear source of the preciousness which gives life value, which backs the currency with which we keep current, with which we track the transit of that great celestial orb (our Sky-Mother, the Lesser Light). That’s how you get ahead, you keep up with the Boneses. We are fools if we think that Blockchain can record all transactions; only black holes and blood can do that. Blood and the blood oaths are the genuine Holders of Value, Signifiers of Honor, Keepers of Record, and Ancient Historians. Let’s not kid ourselves; RNA was the original Blockchain.

This is why I propose experimentation with an alternate currency backed by tracking the transit of supermoons, blood moons, and blood supermoons. I mean, when every holiday of the year occurs within the space of a single February, you know it’s time to call your broker. But you don’t need an Al Broker man to know which way the solar wind blows. This represents a call for a currency backed by nature, not nurture.

Just as the hole must be shed from the donut, as the funerary shroud from the moon-mummy, any serious monetary reform can only come about through Sacrifice^TM of what we value most. The reason that YIC and the Slandered & Whores’ Index lost 15% of their value on Friday is that it was not a Good Friday. YIC-heavy portfolios have revealed themselves to be so heavy with rock, that they don’t rock. It is as it was in the Beginning; as the portability of the coin must be sacrificed to honor the workers who make them and move them, the whole must be sacrificed for the Good of The D0nut, for the virtue of Emptiness (all hail). So let’s move some money.

When it comes to power-backed currencies, portability is next to trackability. That’s why they have to run your fingerprint (your real driver’s license, as the driver of your own body) before you’re allowed to buy Cheetos. That’s why YIC futures aren’t safe bets; rather, they’re investments that are only for the savvy moon-watching investor. But if you’re bearish on mooneys, don’t go loony; instead, hang onto that millstone and take the plunge. Take it all the way to the river bank – which is where you’re gonna be laughing – because that millstone’s gonna be worth a Hell^TM of a lot of money some day!

We’ve all read Adam and Josiah, and understand Cost the Limit of Price. Labor is the only just compensation for labor. Additionally, the cost of labor is the subjective cost of working; that is, the suffering borne by the laborer. The amount of suffering involved in the work determines the value of the product that the work creates. This is why we are paid in suffering. The wage of sin is not death; the wage of work is death, is suffering.

This is why we must pay our employers back with amounts of suffering equal to the amount they have invested in us. Only then can we restore Blood, Sweat, and Tears^TM (BST) to its proper place as the real world reserve currency. This will show that BST is the only genuine form of money in the world (at least on this plane), because it’s the only one with real exchange-value, the only one that’s universally accepted and traded the world over. Most importantly for our masters in government, taxes are payable in BST. If hard work is taxing, then it can be taxed.

Unless and until those who work us, work for us (or at least swear blood oaths not to take our toil as a standard part of our employment contracts), then no compromise short of a sweat-based currency should be made. This must come with no less than full property ownership over our precious bodily fluids, as part of our bodily autonomy, physical integrity, and personal self-ownership. If workers are to be microchipped (because who doesn’t love Revelation), then they at least deserve a package of shares corresponding to the value of their sweet, untainted golden piss on the global market, as determined equitably by everyone involved in piss futures speculation on the Stalk Exchange.

Finally: If we must use a money, then it must be one whose value is backed by the inverse of the quantity of suffering which the reckless pursuit of other currencies cause humanity; never based on a direct correlation. To do otherwise is to destroy the uniqueness of the money, with nothing to make it distinct from its competitors.

The Sacred Unique is the Scarce – the Rare – in which all value originates. And on this Rock I shall build my Church.

Written on September 14^th and 15^th, 2017

Originally Published on September 15^th, 2017

Edited on January 17th and March 20th, 2018

Currency Wars: How to Game the System

            The Pharaohs were right again, there is a war coming!

            That’s right, a war is brewing – in a pyramid-shaped brewery, no less – between currencies. This is not a mere battle between coins and paper, but one between very currencies and moneys themselves!

            This being anything other than a game of rock-paper-scissors, the John Nashes among us can return from our C.I.A.-backed drawing boards (or, rather, conspiracy webs). I mean, let’s not kid ourselves, we have a faith-based currency. Fiat currency is literally backed by say-so.

            Thus, it is not socio-cultural convention that dictates the value of the USD; it is power. From time immemorial, currencies have always been backed by power, from the labor conditions that accompanied the mining of currencies’ materials, to the conditions which brought about the widespread acceptance (“accept” being the operative word) of the currency.

Nobody begs for currency (except when they do; really, except when they need to). It was always power that gave value to these worthless little unpossessed trinkets (unpossessed in both senses of the word) in our pockets. That’s why ours must be a monetary theory predicated upon the veracity of the Power Theory of Value.

            Most of us view currencies and moneys as having a distinction and/or a difference, but the waxing crescent will soon reveal where our real values lie. This is why our masterless masters tell us; money is a real store of value, while currency is a representation. Currency is a symbol, a spectre, a spook, a phantasm, a dybbuk; it has no real value in and of itself. And just like a dybbuk or a vampire, or Jesus or God, it cannot come in – cannot receive your value, your credit, your belief – unless you invite it in.

That is, unless the currency you use is living.

            This is why how much money you get for your work, and what you spend your money on, are less valuable than what your choice of money (or currency) is in the first place.

I mean, if you conduct all of your transactions in wampum, you’re not going to be very successful unless you only trade with the Seneca and the Onondaga, or you want to move a lot of quahog shells in general. Or beaver pelts, for that matter; both make excellent currencies. All I’m saying is that resource-backed currencies are making a comeback, I’m not trying to make any value judgments.

Now it’s time to make some value judgments.

The truly best way to game the system is to make it your 40-hours-a-week business to decide how much each currency is worth relative to the others. That’s how European banking dynasties have always kept it in the black. And they’re Knights Exemplars of business ethics, for fuck’s sake.

The lessons of Hephaestus (the god of metals) are thus clear: understand the price of money, and buy and sell money. Buy money with money, it’s solid investment advice!

As you may remember from the last time (or the last piece; really, the last timepiece, the real Holder of Value, the real Keeper of Records, the real Signifier of Honor), it is a most pressing issue in today’s economy as to whether moneys and currencies derive their value from nature or from nurture.

Answering this question will be the key to discovery as to which forms of currency and money are based on power, violence, and intimidation.

I believe that a lunar currency will ultimately prove a more durable store of value, but that’s beside the point. This is not Sinfowars, neither is it No-Spin-Zone-Fo-Wars; this is pure competitive currency, the realm of numismatic pataphilosophy to which we must all eventually surrender.

But surrender we must to the subconscious realm of pure speculation. For ours is an economy based on faith, speculation, game, grime, gift, grift, and gank. That is, especially, speculation in land; this is why Geonomics must be synthesized with Geomancy.

Putting stock in your beliefs means investing in your beliefs.

If (for example) a hob-goblin who practices hoodoo tells you-doo that two-two is gonna win you the craps game, don’t think of it in terms of a cost-benefit analysis, or as a matter of wise or unwise investments. It’s all in the risk.

Use the hob-goblin as an avatar of Mammon, and use numerology to deconstruct the number 22 into its relevant values and meanings. If the angels are in the cards, play the goblin. If not, justify things according to your caprice; just let it ride.

The fundamental theorems of welfare economics tell us that one of the conditions for totally free markets (that is, perfect competition and fully interconnected markets) entails total freedom to bet on future states of affairs, as long as the bets are backed up 100% by existing assets.

So an economy based on gambling (in addition to game) is still potentially in the cards.

As Emperor Ryan taught us, “Don’t bet the house, be the house.”

Lord Petyr, too, taught that you must be willing to risk everything you have for everything you want. This is why we must gamble our lives away, for a chance at money, a chance at fame, a chance at immortality, a chance at our 15 minutes in the bacon grease. There Are No Masters Through Meyers.

And Greg, may he rest in peace, imparted that, essentially: bubbles, and volatility in markets and of currencies, affect only those who invest in them. This is why booze, strippers, and craps make for promising short-term fiduciary stratagema.

In the long term, invest in death. For an underdog, long-shot, or short-sell, buy immortality.

But this eclipses the wider point: Why use USD – a national currency covered in stripper sweat, trace amounts of feces and human skin, and toxic chemicals – when you could use a currency made of human skin? I’m not talking about soylent leather-cheques, those are so last recession season. I’m talkin’ about good old Uncle Charlie Manskin, you Prudent investors.

Hookers and blow, too, are recession-proof (and certainly depression-proof). This is what Greg has taught us, Put a Bird Upon Him (pbuh). That’s why you should hedge your bets with bush. Additionally, spending other people’s money counts as short selling.

But yea, you can vote yourself richer; by voting with your wallet, while you vote with your feet, as long as you pull yourself up by your bootstraps, hold on to your immigration papers, and bereave in yourself!

George said the only thing that makes him not a Pope is that billions of people don’t think he is. Likewise, David taught that the Pope could walk into a casino, call the wrong number at craps, and still walk away with billions of dollars, claiming infallibility.

This much we know to be true. But where do we go from here, knowing that money is the root of all evil, and that it’s impossible to serve two gods?

We must demand either a lunar-time-backed currency, or else at least a lunar calendar, as a compromise with the lunatic proles fringe.

I mean, literally (and I mean the word “literally” literally) billions of people know that time and money have a certain level of equivalence with one another. Almost as many believe, rightly, that there are 383 ½ days, divided into 13 months, in a year.

But few understand that – while the solar system is a clock that works off of a 64-multiplying-fractal-/-cyclical-linear historiological-astrological-symbolic repetition pattern, going backward from the Singularity point in the morning of December 21^st, 2012, at the cusp of the Piscean and Aquarian Ages – the Moon plays a demiurgic role in calibrating the ticking-and-talking of the Universe. And this is not just McKenna’s clockwork gnomes talking, this is some straight-up Anaxagoras shit.

How do you make money? Four words: “Distrust but independently verify”. But the question remains: how do you (the reader) gamble in a casino that doesn’t accept moon-based currencies, communion wafers, tokens that aren’t completely useless as fetishes, or Manskin? There’s no use beating around the hedge fund, I’ll spare you the buckskin euphemism.

The Cosmic Clock Theory allows us to foresee the mass use of TimeIsMoney @s a currency. The Cincinnati Time Store, and “labor-hour” currencies (such as MountainHours), all demonstrate that time is a source of value which can viably back currency. This is especially so when we consider the Holographic Universe Theory’s notion that black holes may store information.

That’s why keeping up on your historiological astrological symbolism will help make sure you’ll be In The Mooney®, and stay there.

The monetary policy on which we have set a course is one anchored in a solid foundation of hoodoo microeconomics, voodoo macroeconomics, and Moonie world trade theory. It is a sound, freeing, open-source theory, backed by standardized units of human bread.

As Rosa suggested: no bread, no man, no work. If we do not eat (“eat”, not “work”, nor “spend”), we die. Work is but an opportunistic middleman, for Hannah also said that work is distinct from action and labor. We work to earn money that we would otherwise not have to spend, if we did not “need” all the things that those who work us require of us.

Remember, need is distinct from want. Satisfaction of base needs is necessary to sustain the adequate bodily health needed to support hard work, and no employer ever compensated a new hire to the tune of the value of all the things he had to buy in order to get his shit together well enough to go about applying for a job.

A monetary policy that takes none of this into consideration will rightly suffer from a battery of attacks, and wither and die. This is why our currency must be alive.

That is what is meant by Human Bread. It is the Doe that brings us back to Dough.

You must choose a currency (or a money, or none); I cannot choose it for you. But I recommend that you choose a currency that is current; its circulation must flow freely. Volatility is a quality of water; it is not solely a state of turmoil. That’s what the spend-o-crats at Fox Business won’t tell you (F=6 O=60 X=600). You know sometimes words have two meanings.

So, you see, finance is all about water. What makes up 70% of our bodies? Water. We’re literally made of money! And what controls the tides? The Moon. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you!

Stay away from currencies that won’t give you the time of day. If your currency doesn’t keep current, you’re gonna have such a bad time that you won’t even know what time it is. But using a living currency helps prevent your choice in currency from going stale.

Read your handprints and follow the Economicon: Worship no dead moneys. Use not currencies of the past; currencies that do not keep current know no lunar calendar, know no compromise.

It then follows that human time – especially time expending effort and work (and especially especially effort and work watching and moonitoring the Moon) – is a source of time-money-Moon-value. It is this theory of (e)valuation which alone may knock the Power Theory of Value off its orbit and into relative retrograde.

Don’t be fooled, Moon Money Israel. Talk of objective and intrinsic value balks - Fairuza balks - saunters into a crevice, and yields at the majesty of the Will of each splendid Unique. Your Jewels are the most precious to you, they cannot be reduced to mere numbers.

The Neoliberals who endorse this foodoo (false hoodoo) would not bear the thorns of haggling in terms of pieces of silver, or communion wafers (or, for that matter, Nilla Wafers, as long as they’re properly ordained). I mean, does Andy Warhol have no say in this whatsoever?

If the Body of Christ could be traded around like that 2,000 years ago, then why can’t today’s money-changers get in on such a fortuitous investment opportunity? Corporate welfare whores, get in on this action. Act now: kill the Church, and scrap it for parts to sell! Go dig your graves, then fill your mouth with all the money you will save!

So, then, what is meant by a truly living currency of Human Manna (i.e., Humana)? Should we suffer anything less than a currency whose value is inversely proportionate to the human suffering which caused it, expressed in easily divisible economic units as quantities of blood, sweat, and tears?

            Do we own ourselves, and our toil? What is the value of a pound of flesh, expressed in GBP? Most importantly, are the medical professionals who conduct our pre-employment piss-tests making money selling our urine, hair, cheek swabs, and other pieces of us that harbor DNA?

            Take solace, for questions are meant to be answered.

Written on August 14th, 2017

Edited on September 14th, 2017,
and January 17th and May 11th, 2018