Dismantling Five Myths About Child Molesters That Are Helping Them Evade Notice, Capture, and Judgment

Table of Contents

1. Introduction: Definitions of Paraphilias
2. Dismantling Myth #1: The False Idea That All Child Molesters Are Exclusively Attracted to Children
3. Dismantling Myth #2: The False Idea That All Child Molesters Are Exclusively Attracted to the Gender They Victimize
4. Dismantling Myth #3: The False Idea That All Child Molesters Are Pedophiles and Vice-Versa
5. Dismantling Myth #4: The False Idea That All Child Molesters Have Hundreds of Victims
6. Dismantling Myth #5: The False Idea That All Child Molesters Inflict Grievous Harm or Visible Injuries
7. Conclusion

 

Content

1. Introduction: Definitions of Paraphilias

      Ephebophilia is the primary sexual attraction to people aged approximately fifteen to nineteen years old.
     Hebephilia is the primary sexual attraction to children aged approximately eleven or twelve to fourteen years old.
     Pedophilia is generally defined as the primary sexual attraction to very young children, below the age of ten years old.
     Infantophilia (or nepiophilia) is the primary sexual attraction to children aged five or younger.

     These classes of paraphilic sexual attraction towards young people, are accepted among the psychiatric community, and several of these classes are listed in the D.S.M.-5 (the Diagnostic and Statistic Manual of Mental Disorders).

     If you first heard about these classes of sexual attraction outside of a criminological or psychiatric context, then you are probably familiar with the ongoing effort - by N.A.M.B.L.A., and organizations affiliated with the so-called “pedosexual” movement - to legitimize and normalize sexual relations between adults and minors, and to defend adult sexual attraction to minors, and to fight for the recognition of a freedom to act upon that attraction.
     Such organizations, and their supporters (almost all of whom are pedophiles), often cite the existence of different classes of age-based paraphilic sexual attraction, to downplay the seriousness of adult sexual attraction to minors, and to downplay the dangerous consequences of acting on that attraction.

     While it is factually accurate to point out that ephebophilia - the primary attraction to teenagers - is different from pedophilic attraction to children, that fact does not make sexual relations between adults and teenagers (i.e., rape) any safer. Also, the fact that a person is attracted to teenagers, does not necessarily mean that they are not attracted to even younger children as well.
     It is not the aim of this article, to defend sexual attraction to minors (i.e., ephebophilia, hebephilia, pedophilia, and infantophilia), nor acting upon that attraction, at any age or age range.

     I want to make it absolutely clear: All sexual relations between people over the age of 18, and people below the age of 16, should be condemned, illegal, and punished.

     In my opinion, states should come together to draft a uniform standard regarding whether the age of consent should be 17, and whether and how Romeo and Juliet laws can help solve the problem.

     I have explained my thoughts regarding legal solutions to this, at length, before; in my 2020 platform regarding child protection and sexual consent laws, which I called the Safe Kids Amendment (S.K.A.).

     I only mention the difference between the age classes of paraphilic attraction to minors, in order to explain that the differing definitions of these classes, makes it difficult to diagnose people as the exact class of pedophile that they are.

     This is important to talk about, because fussing over definitions can make it difficult to easily identify, and properly label, an adult who is suspected of being a pedophile or suspected of having molested a child.
     If the family of the victim is distracted by arguing about which term to use to describe the suspected abuser - "if" that person is indeed guilty - then the family will be unlikely to believe the person claiming abuse. Police, and the families of the people involved in the accusation, might have difficulty accepting that the accused person exactly matches the description offered by the person claiming to be their victim.

     Physical evidence is what matters most in these cases, but family members failing to notice an accused abuser's past patterns of abuse, could cause the family's secret pain to stay secret, instead of being noticed by investigators. Those family abusers who exhibit signs of narcissism or psychopathy will often inflict emotional abuse and psychological manipulation on their entire families - often more and more over the years, gradually, without them even noticing - in order to cover-up and/or distract from the physical and/or sexual abuse they committed in secret. Thus, the abuser's success in keeping the whole family in silence, confusion, and argumentation among themselves, should be recognized by investigators as something which could prevent the full disclosure of evidence related to the case.
     To put it another way, suspected child molesters often inflict emotional abuse which should be understood to function as a destruction or suppression of evidence, because of the chilling effect which that abuse creates on the family members' freedom of speech,

     Since it's possible for someone to be a pedophile but not a child molester - and since it's arguably possible for someone to be a "serial child molester" without having multiple victims - it's important to explain the differences between definitions, and to explain stereotypes that are making it difficult to identify child sex criminals.

     Throughout the remainder of this article, I will explain what I believe are the top five "harmful stereotypes" about pedophiles and child molesters. But these stereotypes do not harm child molesters; they are harming children; by helping child molesters evade notice, capture, and judgment.

     These stereotypes are as follows:

     1) some child molesters are attracted to adults in addition to children;
     2) some child molesters are bisexual;
     3) not all pedophiles become child molesters;
     4) some child molesters only have one or a few victims, rather than many; and
     5) injuries will not always be visible after a child has been molested.

2. Dismantling Myth #1: The False Idea That All Child Molesters Are Exclusively Attracted to Children

     As I stated above, one common definition of pedophilia is that it is the primary sexual attraction to children age ten years and below.

     We might conclude, therefore - from that, and from the fact that infantophilia pertains to attraction to children age five and below - that “pedophile” might most accurately apply to people whom are primarily attracted to children between the ages of five and ten.

     While one common definition of pedophilia is that it is the primary sexual attraction to children age ten and below, there is another definition, which some people accept, which I do not think is correct. This definition is that pedophiles are exclusively attracted to children under ten, rather than primarily.

     What is the difference, you might ask? Again, to be clear, there is certainly no difference in an ethical or moral sense, between someone who is exclusively, versus primarily, attracted to children. And certainly, some - maybe even many - pedophiles are exclusively attracted to children.

     But the difference on which I wish to focus, comes in the difference seen in the difficulty establishing an M.O. (i.e., a modus operandi; that is, a mode of operating), when we make unfounded assumptions about child molestation suspects that are based on possibly false definitions.

     If we define pedophilia to mean "a person who is exclusively attracted to children", then we risk making the mistake – whether consciously or unconsciously – to reject, with prejudice, the possibility that a person suspected of molesting a child, might have done what he or she is accused of, because they’re mostly (but not exclusively) attracted to children.
     If the "exclusively attracted" definition of pedophilia were officially or universally accepted, then it would be technically correct that a person who is secretly molesting his child while maintaining a sexual relationship with his spouse, is not a pedophile (because the fact that he's attracted to his wife, means he's not exclusively attracted to his child).
     There is a difference between a definition being technically correct or legally accurate, and the definition being helpful, or easy to understand. Ideally it should be easy enough for a child to understand it, because a child might have to make a claim that abuse occurred.
     The fact that a child's attacker is attracted to adults in addition to children, does not mean that the child suffered any less, nor that the attacker is any less dangerous. It might even mean that the person in question is more unpredictable than someone who is exclusively attracted to either children or adults.

     To illustrate the risks involved in misunderstanding, or disagreeing about, definitions, let’s take an example from pop culture. In Vladimir Nabokov’s Lolita, Humbert Humbert married a woman in order to have a sexual affair with her underage daughter.

     Taking an example from real life: Jeffrey Epstein maintained a sexual relationship with Ghislaine Maxwell (his girlfriend, handler, and assigned protectee) while they were sexually abusing teenage girls together and apart. Not only that, but French fashion designer Jean-Luc Brunel once wrote a note to Epstein saying that he had “a” girl for Epstein, whose age was “8 x 2”. This might refer to a sixteen-year-old, but if you’ve heard the rumors of Epstein’s interest in twelve-year-old French triplets, it’s just as likely that this might refer to two eight-year-olds.

     Moreover, plenty of men marry women, and then cheat on their wives with their wives’ daughters from previous marriages (i.e., their step-daughters). Some survivors of domestic abuse have posted on social media sites that their stepfathers had sex with them, and then their mothers blamed their own daughters for seducing the mother’s boyfriend or husband. This is often followed by the daughter telling the mother that it’s the mother’s fault for allowing it, or for choosing a boyfriend or husband who is a pedophile.

3. Dismantling Myth #2: The False Idea That All Child Molesters Are Exclusively Attracted to the Gender They Victimize

     If it is conceivable that a man can rape or molest his daughter or stepdaughter, without being exclusively attracted to minors, then why should it be inconceivable that a man could marry a woman, and then go on to develop a sexual attraction towards his own son or sons?

     What I am about to say is not in any way a knock against same-sex marriage, nor is intended to promote suspicion of gay couples. But it is possible for a homosexual man to disguise his attraction to men, and marry a woman.
     In American slang, the woman is known as the man’s “beard”. This is because – like a beard – she creates a false vision of manliness for her husband. Such a man could undoubtedly molest his son, using the false claim that he is straight, to provide a cover or alibi, if he is accused of that type of same-sex relation. In the case of a man using his wife to provide a cover for molesting his son, that man's wife becomes a beard for the man's pedophilia rather than his homosexuality.

     Aside from gay men who marry women to cover their homosexuality, there are also bisexual men who marry women because they’d rather marry a woman than a man. Early 20^th century American songwriter Cole Porter, and his wife Linda, are one example of a couple that fit that description. [Note: Cole Porter didn’t molest his son, because he didn’t have any children. But I don’t care to speculate on whether Porter was a pedophile, since nothing would suggest that. The point is that a man can be attracted to both males and females, and then marry a woman, get her pregnant, and have a son, and potentially molest that son.]

     Additionally, there have been incidents in which children and teenagers have been coaxed into watching pornography by adults, and then gone on to molest, rape, and/or torture other (usually smaller) children. From the fact that these children molest younger children because they saw porn that probably featured adults, we can reasonably conclude that in most cases like this, the child will grow up to be attracted to both children and adults for the rest of their life (unless they get successful therapy for the abuse they suffered).
     Bisexual pedophiles do exist. A man, or a woman, could be bisexual (that is, attracted to both men and women), have children, and molest either their son or their daughter, or both. A pedophile's sexual attraction doesn't always determine which sex they are likely to victimize, but we shouldn't underestimate the likelihood that a person's choice in a victim, reflects sexual attraction in addition to the urge to dominate someone smaller and more vulnerable (i.e., that it reflects both sexual attraction and the abuser's penchant for violence).

     I say none of the above in order to promote or excuse unfounded suspicion of child molestation on the part of anyone matching the descriptions listed above.

     I am merely illustrating several real-life and fictional examples which show that not all people who molest children are exclusively attracted to children.

4. Dismantling Myth #3: The False Idea That All Child Molesters Are Pedophiles and Vice-Versa

     I also wish to make it clear that not all pedophiles are child molesters, and not all child molesters are pedophiles.

     I say “not all pedophiles are child molesters” because some adults are primarily or exclusively attracted to children, but do not go on to offend. Some of these people call themselves “righteous pedophiles”, but I do not say this to affirm the righteousness of being a pedophile. There is none. There is righteousness, however, in not offending, needless to say.

     I say “not all child molesters are pedophiles” because it’s possible that some people who molest children, are not primarily attracted to children, or at least are not consciously attracted to children.
     For example, suppose that someone were molested as a child, and the abuse were so traumatic that they forgot the abuse, and they went on to molest a child while lacking memory of their own abuse. Such a person would probably claim, when caught, that they “don’t know what came over” them. They might even realize, after molesting the child, that they think they did it because they were abused as a child, and are now recovering memories of their childhood abuse.
     Furthermore, the word pedophile literally means "child lover". To be clear, when a child is molested, there is no difference for that child whether the person who molested them, did it because they hate children, or because they "love children too much". But the fact remains: Some people who molest children love children too much, while some people molest children because they hate children.
     There are people - like Jimmy Savile, for example - who admit to hating children, yet raped children. Of course, Savile claimed that he hated children, in order to dismiss accusations that he raped children. But when Savile says he hates children, we should believe him; that is probably the one thing he was telling the truth about. I find it hard to imagine Savile falling in love with any of the sick and dying children he raped on their deathbeds.
     I say this not to downplay the seriousness of sex crimes perpetrated by people who don't hate children. I merely wish to point out that there are people who profess to hate children, yet will be around them (in order to rape them). This is important to think about because it is easy to dismiss the possibility that a person who claims to hate children, could be abusing them when they're left alone with them nd nobody is looking.
     I also wish to point out that there are people who say they love children, and do love children, but are still risks to children (i.e., because they "love children too much"). Many of such people could probably be adequately described as mentally ill pedophiles who have not only a sexual attraction to children (or one or the other gender, or both genders, of children), but also particular romantic feelings towards one or more children in particular. Such people may use their love for children, as a cover for their pedophilia, and/or as a justification for their feelings.
     Such people may be just as much of a potential danger towards children, as someone who professes to hate children (whether that child-hater is a child sex criminal or not).
   

     To say that “not all child molesters are pedophiles” is not to reduce suspicion of anybody. Most - and probably even nearly all - child molesters, are pedophiles, in fact. To say otherwise would be ridiculous, unless it happened that most molested children were assaulted by people who had no sexual attraction to children, or very little as compared to their attraction to adults.
     The point is that you have to be watchful of both child haters and child lovers who may wish to harm your children - and you have to be aware of how they may wish to use hate or love as a cover for harming children.

     Hopefully the following three infographics, which show three different methods of visualizing this information, will help the reader understand the differences between child molesters and pedophiles.

This diagram shows that

child molesting pedophiles are both

child molesters and pedophiles;

while there also exist

child molesters whom are not pedophiles,

as well as pedophiles whom are not child molesters.

This diagram shows what happens when you combine

categories of offense with the

pedophile vs. child molester category.

Since "offending non-offending pedophiles"
and "non-offending child molesters"

do not exist, only four types of

potential child sex offenders are shown here.

This diagram shows, and compares and contrasts,

six types of potential child sex offenders,

as well as two types of people whom are

extremely unlikely to sexually harm children.

Click, open in new tab or window, and download,

to view in full resolution

5. Dismantling Myth #4: The False Idea That All Child Molesters Have Hundreds of Victims

     In fact, I have said all of the above, in order to caution my readers that anybody could be a pedophile, or a child molester, because what most people think they know about the profile of child molesters, is based on unfounded rumors.

     It is commonly thought that all or most people who perpetrate sex crimes against children, do all of the following: 1) are exclusively, rather than primarily or even just somewhat, sexually attracted to children; and 2) will definitely offend; 3) will offend repeatedly or serially; and as such, 4) have dozens and dozens of victims already.

     This may sound like a farfetched claim, but this is, unfortunately, the stereotype about child molesters and child rapists, which has been allowed to propagate through American society. This is partially owing to the widely-repeated, and unfounded, claim, that every child molester has molested hundreds of children. It is also owing to the stereotype that every child molester is a serial child molester.

     This rumor has suffered from the “telephone game”; it was actually based on a real statistic; that the average serial child molester may have as many as four hundred victims in his or her lifetime. That is very different from saying that every person who has touched a child inappropriately, has four hundred victims.

     Again, I say this not to diminish the seriousness of the crimes of child molestation and rape. I say this to make it clear that just because the average serial child rapist might have four hundred victims in his lifetime, that is no guarantee that your husband will not molest your son or daughter once or twice in his entire lifetime.

     It is important to keep in mind that it is possible for a person to be a serial child molester or rapist, while only having one victim. A person who repeatedly victimizes the same child, is a "serial" child molester or rapist, every bit as much as someone who targets multiple children.
     It is important to keep in mind because sometimes a child is molested or raped by its own parent multiple times and nobody sees it. When that happens, it will often be difficult for people to believe it. They might say, "That's ridiculous, your parent loves you, and besides, everybody knows that child molesters are (fill in the blank)."
     Fill in the blank with "all fat and lonely and don't have families", or with "all criminals who are constantly on the run", or "all have multiple victims, so it would be easy to tell, because someone would have come forward by now."

     A study called "Psychological Profile of Pedophiles and Child Molesters" by John B. Murray, explains common (but not all-pervasive) profile characteristic of pedophiles and child molesters. The abstract of that study reads as follows:
     "Pedophiles and child molesters share some characteristics. Most are male, and they can be heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual. Some prefer adult sex partners but choose children because they are available and vulnerable. The sexual abuse perpetrated may be a 1-time incident and may consist only of fondling. Penetration is unlikely with young children. Perpetrators' ages range from teens to midlife. Most victims are girls, and the perpetrator usually is a relative, friend, or neighbor. The home of the victim is often the setting for the incident. When boys are victims, sexual abuse may take place outside the home, and perpetrators may be strangers. Perpetrators of sexual abuse of children often claim they they themselves were victims of childhood sexual abuse."

     The abstract continues (I advise the reader to focus on this sentence):
     "Psychological profiles are helpful but are compromised partly because many perpetrators are prisoners and control groups are lacking for this research."
     http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/00223980009600863?journalCode=vjrl20
     The fact that psychological profiles of child molesters are "compromised partly" should prompt us to use logic - and ask ourselves if we can think of examples of exceptions to the rules we thought we knew - to reconsider what information needs to be added, to the accurate information regarding child sex offender profiles, to complete our knowledge about this topic.
     That is why I have written this article.
     

6. Dismantling Myth #5: The False Idea That All Child Molesters Inflict Grievous Harm or Visible Injuries

     Knowing that not every person who molests a child is a serial child rapist with hundreds of victims, we should also keep in mind that not every act of child molestation or child rape will always leave life-threatening injuries, or even visible scars.
     Oprah Winfrey has discussed, in multiple episodes of her television show, that some children who have been molested, will not even know that they have been molested. This, according to Oprah, is because the abuse was not physically painful. Some child molesters - but not rapists - abuse children by tricking them into focusing on any physical or sexual pleasure which the child might derive from the act.

     This is not to say that molestation can be good for a child; it is simply to acknowledge that some child molesters intentionally include some pleasurable touching when they molest children. They do this: 1) to confuse the child about whether they like the touching; and/or 2) because rape is (almost always) about both violence and sexual attraction.

     To say that child molesters sometimes get away with their crimes by gently restraining the child, and then molesting them without severely injuring them or raping or penetrating them. This could potentially cause the child to remember more pleasure than pain being involved in the event. And that is, of course, the outcome which the child molester would desire, because a molested child who can't remember an incident being more painful than pleasing, is unlikely to come forward to report the way they remember the event.

     Parents should keep in mind that wounds, lacerations, blood in the stool, bruises, and other forms of easily visible injuries, will not always appear on a child who has been molested.
     Blood in the stool likely indicates anal rape, as does anal fissure. Torn labia, and blood, indicates vaginal rape.
     But a boy who has been forcefully restrained, and masturbated against his will, is likely to have no more than a visible bruise or two, if even that. It is certainly possible to molest a child without leaving a mark. It is probably not possible to rape a child without causing injuries and leaving evidence, but it is certainly possible to molest a child and leave them unscathed, except for the obvious emotional and psychological trauma, and physical stress, which result from being forcibly restrained and molested.
     I would name some examples of ways to molest a child without leaving a mark, but I don't want to give anyone - child molester or not - any wrong ideas. So it's best to just end here.     

7. Conclusion

     If we go on thinking that these unfounded rumors and stereotypes about what sort of person is likely to molest our children, are true, then we risk thinking that, if our child gets molested, then it could only have been by someone who is a crazy, psychopathic, serial child rapist, who has many, many other victims already.

     No child-molesting husbands or wives are going to get caught, if we go on giving parental molesters of children a sort of “qualified immunity”; believing that the fact that the child is being taken care of, means that they couldn’t have been molested. [Note: Some courts will give parents who sexually abuse their children "slaps on the wrist", such as by making them take a class, or read a pamphlet, about how molesting children is bad.]
     And moreover, nobody will get caught, if we go on believing that children couldn’t have been molested by anyone for whom the police aren’t already searching.
     None of these stereotypes help detect child molesters, either before or after they offend. They only help people remain in denial about what's going on in their own families.

          Lastly - and this point probably deserves its own section - a child is more likely to be molested, raped, and/or kidnapped, by someone they know (like a family member, neighbor, or teacher) than someone they don't know (like a criminal from off the street).

     Learn the warning signs of child sexual abuse and neglect.
     Is the child particularly afraid of one parent, or a specific adult? Does the child seem to want to talk about nothing but their own safety, or about how they're being mistreated by someone? Does the child know too much about sex at a young age? Has the child sexually abused or tortured other children or animals? Does the child have dark circles under its eyes? Does the child seem distant, lonely, or scared most of the time? Does the child have few friends, or few close friends? Does the child seem to have a hard time trusting certain people, or people in general?
     If this describes a child you know, then that child might be suffering from neglect, abuse, or even sexual assault.
     If the child has reported an injury related to sexual abuse, document that injury, visit a doctor, and get a rape test (if necessary) as soon as possible. Document everything you can regarding the abuse, and make sure to save anything and everything (clothes, furniture, other items) that might have the abuser's DNA on them.

     Child sexual abuse and assault are sensitive subjects. For years, courts have shied away from prosecuting priests accused with such crimes, based on the notion that the trial would traumatize the victim, and make them re-live the traumatic experience (even though one cannot say that without accidentally admitting that the first traumatic experience happened to begin with).
     Many courts simply don't want to get involved in child molestation cases. It's almost as if the courts see these criminal cases as "intra-family disputes" in which the state should not interfere.
     It is difficult to find trustworthy therapists, police officers, and social workers, who are not either abusers themselves, or else have come to see child abuse as an inevitable fact of life, which pays their bills, giving them no incentive to do anything but pass victims off to other therapists, police officers, and social workers.

     Before deciding whether to come forward, learn about whether there have been more complaints, in your state, about children suffering abuse at the hands of either the police or the child protective services agency or agencies in the state.

Written and Published on May 8th, 2021

Edited and Expanded on May 12th, 16th, and 17th, 2021

Images Added on May 17th, 2021

Originally published under the title
"Not All Child Molesters Are Exclusively Attracted to Children"

Title changed to
"Dismantling Five Stereotypes About Child Molesters That Are
Helping Them Evade Notice, Capture, and Judgment"

on May 12th, 2021

Correcting the Record: Regarding the Details About Six of Forty-Three Dates on Which Molestation Could Have Occurred

     In my second report to police regarding the molestation I endured as a child, I explained that I may have been molested as many as 21 times, between 1992 and 2000. The majority of those incidents – as many as 12 of them (and certainly no less than 3 or 4) – occurred on the gray couch in the furnished basement of my childhood home, at 524 East Washington, in Lake Bluff, Illinois.

     I have identified, in previous statements, the forty-three Sundays between April and August of 1995 and 1996, as the dates on which those incidents of molestation on the gray couch could have taken place.

     I wish to clarify some things about seven of those forty-three dates.

     As I have stated, the twelve incidents in question – given as Incidents #2 through #13 in the first statement to police, and as Incidents #5 through #16 in the second statement – could only have occurred on forty-three possible dates:

     April 2^nd, 9^th, 16^th, 23^rd, and 30^th; May 7^th, 14^th, 21^st, and 28^th; June 4^th, 11^th, 18^th, and 25^th; July 2^nd, 9^th, 16^th, 23^rd, and 30^th; and August 6^th, 13^th, 20^th, and 27^th, 1995;
     and April 7^th, 14^th, 21^st, and 28^th; May 5^th, 12^th, 19^th, and 26^th; June 2^nd, 9^th, 16^th, 23^rd, and 30^th; July 7^th, 14^th, 21^st, and 28^th; and August 4^th, 18^th, and 25^th, 1996.

     The matter which I wish to clarify, is that I was less likely to be abused during major golf tournaments, than other dates mentioned. Those golf tournaments took place on seven of the forty-three Sundays I have listed.

     Those tournaments and dates were:

     1) the Masters Tournament in Georgia, held on Sunday, April 9^th, 1995;
     2) the U.S. Open in New York, held on Sunday, June 18^th, 1995;
     3) the British Open in Scotland, held on Sunday, July 23^rd, 1995;
     4) the Masters Tournament in Georgia, held on Sunday, April 14^th, 1996;
     5) the U.S. Open in Michigan, held on Sunday, June 16^th, 1996;
     6) the British Open in England, held on Sunday, July 21^st, 1996; and
     7) the P.G.A. Championship in Kentucky, held on Sunday, August 11^th, 1996.

     On the seven dates listed above, I believe that my father would have been less likely to have molested me, than the other thirty-six dates.

     I say that because my father is, and was at the time, such an avid golfer and golf fan, that he has routinely gone to parties at friends’ houses – or thrown his own parties – to watch golf tournaments on television.

     The significance of this is that I have increased the precision with which I have identified the dates on which I could have been molested.

     Those (between three and twelve) incidents of molestation on the gray couch, could only have occurred on the following dates:

    -  April 2^nd, 16^th, 23^rd, and 30^th, 1995;
      - May 7^th, 14^th, 21^st, and 28^th, 1995;
     - June 4^th, 11^th, and 25^th, 1995;
     - July 2^nd, 9^th, 16^th, and 30^th, 1995; and
     - August 6^th, 13^th, 20^th, and 27^th, 1995;
 and
     - April 7^th, 21^st, and 28^th, 1996;
     - May 5^th, 12^th, 19^th, and 26^th, 1996;
     - June 2^nd, 9^th, 23^rd, and 30^th, 1996;
     - July 7^th, 14^th, and 28^th; and
     - August 4^th, 18^th, and 25^th, 1996.

     As I have explained, I was molested no less than three or four times, and as many as ten or twelve times, on the gray couch (aside from nine other incidents, of which I have partial memory, and am not sure whether sexual touching occurred meanwhile).

     I can’t remember how many times it happened, because the pattern of abuse – sitting behind my father’s legs, being restrained onto my father’s lap, being tickled and partially suffocated through forced laughing, and then forced genital touching – occurred so similarly, over and over again.

     This fact makes it difficult to distinguish one incident from another in my memory, aside from two incidents. One is the time I clearly remember standing in the basement living room, telling my father that I didn’t want to sit behind his legs while he was watching television, knowing that he was probably going to touch me inappropriately. The other is the time I remember speaking to my mother in the laundry room and asking her to stay home.

     I wrote this statement because I want to make it clear that – if I was molested as many as twelve times on the couch – then there is as much as (approximately) a thirty percent (30%) chance that I was molested on any one of the dates, chosen at random from among the following even sets of three dates in close succession to one another.

     Namely:

     - there is as much as a 30% chance that I was molested on either April 2^nd, 16^th, or 23^rd, 1995;
     - there is as much as a 30% chance that I was molested on either April 30^th, or May 7^th or 14^th, 1995;
     - there is as much as a 30% chance that I was molested on either May 21^st or 28^th, or June 4^th, 1995;
     - there is as much as a 30% chance that I was molested on either June 11^th or 25^th, or July 2^nd, 1995;
     - there is as much as a 30% chance that I was molested on either July 9^th, 23^rd, or 30^th, 1995;
     - there is as much as a 30% chance that I was molested on either August 6^th, 13^th, or 20^th, 1995;
     - there is as much as a 30% chance that I was molested on either April 7^th, 21^st, or 28^th, 1996;
     - there is as much as a 30% chance that I was molested on either May 5^th, 12^th, or 19^th, 1996;
 and
     - there is as much as a 30% chance that I was molested on either May 26^th, or June 2^nd or 9^th, 1996.

     August 27^th, 1995, and August 18^th and 25^th, 1996, were left out of the set of dates above, since they could not be easily grouped together into sets of threes.

     My father, Richard S. Kopsick, should be asked where he was, and what he was doing – and whether he has electronic or paper records proving it - on the thirty-six dates listed above (as well as during the last week before Christmas of 1996, when Incident #20 occurred at the Union League Club Hotel in Chicago).



     To read my most recent statement to police (written between January 9^th and March 3^rd, 2021), please visit the following link:
     http://www.aquarianagrarian.blogspot.com/2021/03/second-statement-to-police-regarding.html

Written and Published on May 8th, 2021

Correcting the Record: How I Recovered Memories of Childhood Sexual Abuse at the Age of Twenty-Eight

Table of Contents

1. Introduction
2. Preface: Clarifying, Not Recanting
3. My Previous Statements About the Lists of Terms
4. The Lists of Terms
5. Analysis of Terms Pertaining to My Father and/or to Abuse
6. Conclusions
7. References

Content

1. Introduction

     In my first report to police regarding the molestation which I endured as a child – written between October and December 2019, and delivered to Lake Bluff police on December 31^st, 2019 – I explained how I recovered memories of that sexual abuse.

     In section 9d of that report – titled “When I Experienced [‘]False Memories[‘] of Abuse, and Why I Think I Experienced Them” – I told police that “in the first few months of 2015, perhaps March or April, when I remembered having been pressured to wear penny loafers, as a child of about nine” during events for school for which I had to dress in a formal manner.

     I continued that remembering having to wear penny loafers “resulted in me recovering memories of Incident #17”. I want to clarify that I was thinking about penny loafers in early 2015, but I cannot yet prove that I wrote the phrase down at any point.

     I certainly wrote “shoehorn” down, though, which I have shown below, in the first of four images of the lists I created in early 2015.

     My statement continued as follows:

     “Another event which caused me to remember the events of Incident #17 more clearly, occurred some time around the time I heard Vashti Bunyan's song [“I’d Like to Walk Around in Your Mind”] in the bath. I'm not sure whether it was before or afterwards, but I remembered that I had been pressured to wear penny loafers to events as a child. Some time in March or April 2015, I thought about the possibility that I was abused, while hand-writing a list of words and phrases which were on my mind.”

     In April 2021, I found that list of words and phrases that I created in 2015. I created those lists in order to gather my thoughts, and then, shortly after creating them, I read the lists, and tried to think about whether any of them triggered me, or jogged my memory about my childhood.
     I consciously did this because I had begun to suspect that I had been molested as a child, and I knew I needed to think more about it and probably work to recover memories. Shortly before or after creating these lists, I went through my old childhood toys and school projects, and tried to remember what the basement at the old house smelled like, in order to jog my memory, and put myself into the state of mind I was in around the time of the abuse.

     Upon reviewing the contents of these lists in April 2021, I discovered that “penny loafers” did not appear on any of the documents I have managed to find thus far. It’s still possible that I wrote “penny loafers” on another piece of paper which I haven’t found yet.
     But since I have not found "penny loafers" written on any of my papers from 2015, I have decided that it was necessary to write this statement; in order to explain 1) why I thought "penny loafers" was the term that triggered me instead of "shoe horn", which it actually was; and 2) why I wrote many of the other terms which appear on those lists.
     These facts should help explain my state of mind in early 2015, explain the relationship between the trigger terms and the way I was treated growing up, and demonstrate that my statements regarding how I recovered memories of the abuse, are at least internally consistent. The fact that I have to much to say, and expand upon, regarding these incidents - and the fact that I am probably the only person who noticed or cared about any of the incidents mentioned below which involved multiple people - should demonstrate that I am the only person with something to say about these incidents.
     Other people's sheer denial that these events happened - and their bare, baseless insistence that they "never happened" - should not suffice as evidence contradicting my claims. I am basically being told that I made-up or hallucinated all of my negative memories of my family.



2. Preface: Clarifying, Not Recanting

     I want to be clear that I am not recanting anything, nor retracting anything, nor amending my statement in any major way. I am remaining consistent about the fact that I considered “penny loafers” a triggering phrase which I associated with abuse, in early 2015.

     I am not “changing my story”, but merely clarifying that writing down “shoe horn” was probably the written term – rather than “penny loafers” – which triggered me, and led me to try to think and remember more deeply about my childhood and the abuse.

     I believe the reason for my confusion regarding which term I wrote down, was that penny loafers and shoehorns are both associated with tight clothing

     These terms are both triggers for me because I didn’t like wearing penny loafers as a child because they were too tight, and because I used to go into my father’s closet as a child to play with his shoehorns.

     Before remembering that that’s what happened in my dad’s closet, I suspected that I had been molested in that closet; but after thinking about it, I realized that I had no memories of such a thing happening, and I concluded that I had not been molested there.

     I believe that the reason why I associate that room with fear of my father, and why I briefly suspected that he molested me there, is because my father would tell me to get out of his closet when he saw me playing in there.

3. My Previous Statements About the Lists of Terms

     Below is another excerpt from section 9b of my first statement to police, which are relevant to penny loafers, shoe horns, and the first memories of abuse which I recovered due to thinking about those “trigger words”.

     As a reminder, this excerpt reflects my state of mind and memories as of late 2019; nearly one-and-a-half-years ago, and before I began therapy.

 

     “Unfortunately, I can't vividly remember writing that term down, nor can I find any document in my possession which bears the term. But that could be because I thought of penny loafers after completing the list. Either way, remembering that I didn't like wearing penny loafers as a child, helped me remember other times I had been pressured to wear constrictive clothing (and pressured to accept unwanted affection and touching when I dressed so [‘]cute[‘]), and that memory helped me to remember my father caressing the back of my head (i.e., the events of Incident #17).

 

     Aside from the term “penny loafers” becoming a “trigger word” for me (that is, a word that prompts memories of abuse to come flooding back), the word [‘]breezeway[‘] may have resulted from that attempt to make a list of terms to jog my memory. I can't remember whether I first suspected my father of molesting me in the breezeway of our house in January 2015 or in March or April. My thoughts about being molested in the breezeway, and in my father's bedroom closet, turned out to be false, after I thought about them for a while.

 

     Thinking about possibly being abused in the breezeway of my family's house, eventually resulted in me realizing that those [‘]memories[‘], as well as the [‘]memories[‘] of being molested in my father's closet, are false (and probably attributable to much less stressful events which occurred in those locations). But thinking about why penny loafers were on my mind, caused me to remember that my parents, and the school, had made me wear penny loafer shoes as a child. It wasn't primarily that penny loafers made me uncomfortable; I found some consolation and [‘]coolness[‘] in the fact that I could wear money on my shoes openly. But it was the other clothing, which the adults around me wanted me to wear, that bothered me.

 

     I remember being pressured to wear penny loafers, and other uncomfortable, ill-fitting and tight-fitting clothing. I remember being [‘]rewarded[‘] for wearing them, by being called [‘]cute[‘] by my parents and their friends. Students had to dress that way for musical productions, and other social events (such as golf outings). I had to dress that way on the evening of Incident #17, in order to dress appropriately enough to have dinner in a restaurant of the Union League Club Hotel in Chicago. During that incident – when my father was with me in our hotel room helping me get changed for dinner – my father caressed the back of my head with his fingers, and I remember beginning to cry.

 

     That memory of being touched on my head, is the memory which resurfaced then (in early 2015), and that is the memory which comes up now, when I think about penny loafers and being expected to wear constrictive, uncomfortable clothing (which made me look like an adult) as a child. This memory of being touched on the head by my father, is the same memory which resurfaced when I heard [‘]I'd Like to Walk Around in Your Mind[‘] by Vashti Bunyan on the Pandora app on my smartphone, while taking a bath at my father's house in March 2015.”

4. The Lists of Terms

     I have scanned all of my papers from 2015 on which I wrote lists of terms and phrases that I hoped would help remind me of my childhood and possible abuse (which I then couldn’t remember clearly). Those documents appear below.

     The word “breezeway” does not appear on any of the lists. That was the other location, besides my dad’s closet, where I briefly suspected in 2015 that I had been molested, but then concluded that I had not been.

"Shoe horn" is visible near the top-right

5. Analysis of Terms Pertaining to My Father and/or to Abuse

     Below, I have included a list of all of the terms and phrases from that list, which are references to my father, his abuse, or abuse in general.

     - “alcohol in baby bottles”:

     I wrote this because I had been disturbed about the possibility that I had been given alcohol while at my grandfather’s house. I describe what I remember happening at my grandfather’s house, in my descriptions of Incidents #17-#19 in my second statement to police (which were Incidents #14-#16 in my first statement).

         

     - “automatic pencil sharpeners”, “cigar cutters”, and “Michael Sullivan – haircut” and “ear cutting”:

     I wrote these phrases because I remembered playing with automatic pencil sharpeners, with my brother, at my father’s law office as a child. I also remembered my brother playing with my grandfather’s cigar cutters while we were at his house. I was worried that he was going to cut off one of his fingers.

     Michael Sullivan was the name of my principal at Lake Bluff Central School, between (approximately) the years of 1996 and 2000. Michael Sullivan never cut my hair, but might have yelled at me once. I don’t know why I wrote Michael Sullivan next to “haircut”, but it might be because one of the earliest memories of abuse which I (partially) recovered, was the incident wherein he caressed the back of my head, and I blacked out, in our hotel room at the Union League Club Hotel in Chicago, in December 1996.

     Another reason why I might have written Michael Sullivan next to “haircut”, and why I wrote “ear cutting” as well, is because I used to be afraid that my ears would get cut, when I would get haircuts as a child. I was particularly frightened by the sound of scissors snipping in my ears. My father’s barber Lee, based in Highwood, became my barber, right before this became an issue for me. I remember feeling resentful towards my father for seeming to not be taking the fact that I was scared, seriously.

     - “back into my penis”:

     I don’t remember my father, or anyone else, ever saying this to me. But I believe that, in 2015, I was worried that my father abused me from behind. I sometimes wonder whether my father told me to put my penis between the cushions of the same small loveseat on which I would sit after he molested me, but I do not have any concrete memory of that happening, so I think that wonder is probably attributable to me putting my penis between the cushions by myself, without being instructed to do so.

         

     - “bashing head on wall”:

     I probably wrote this because I was remembering being a teenager, and studying for exams while sitting up on my bed, and hitting my head against the wall. I did it for attention, and one or both of my parents asked what the noise was. I don’t remember what I said; I might not have felt  safe or comfortable enough to tell them that I was stressed from all the studying I was doing. I might have apologized. I can’t remember. But I definitely banged my head against my bedroom wall – and maybe also my desk, on another occasion – when I was stressed-out from too much reading and studying.

     My mother never pressured me to study for long periods of time; only my father did that. It’s not that my mother didn’t encourage me to study; she did. But she didn’t need to; I was a good student. My father watched me like a hawk to make sure I did my homework, and when I was in high school he berated me about my grades. Several times, he accused me of concealing my grades, when I genuinely didn’t have them yet, because my teachers hadn’t graded my tests yet. He left me with no way to prove I was innocent of his baseless accusations.

         

     - “BED”:

     My father was extremely short, frank, demanding, stubborn, and insistent, when it came to telling me and my brother to go to bed. When he wanted us to go to bed, we had only a few minutes to brush our teeth and get into bed. He wouldn’t beat us, however, unless you count a few spankings for both me and my brother, and the molestation which I endured and then forgot.

         

     - “boat rapist”:

     I wrote this because I was trying to remember whether sexual abuse occurred, and because I was remembering hearing the tongue twister “toy boat” as a child. I was trying to remember whether I had been abused in the bathtub. I have not recovered any such memories.

         

     - “bowel movements”:

     My father would say this phrase to make himself laugh, and to try to make me and my brother laugh.

         

     - “butterfly”:

     I wrote this for one of two reasons. First, because my grandfather’s live-in girlfriend Ruth called my brother a “social butterfly”, and I remember being jealous of my brother, because I was not as social as he was. Second, because butterflies are associated with transformation and metamorphosis, and therefore, with puberty. Due to their association with puberty, butterflies could also be viewed or used as symbols for pedophilia.

         

     - “corsets”:

     I probably wrote this because corsets are a particularly tight article of clothing, not unlike shoe horns and penny loafers. I remember seeing women squeeze into corsets in the films Titanic and Moulin Rouge, when I was ten and thirteen years old, respectively. I may or may not have been thinking about these films at the time when I wrote “corsets” on the list.

     It’s likely that I had tight clothes on my mind, which are triggering for me, because of the way my parents fussed over my appearance and dress as a child (which I believe made it easier for my father to get away with being sexually attracted to me).

         

     - “CWM = cum = whom”:

     My grandfather (my father’s father Joe) would often talk about the Welsh word “cwm”, which means “valley”, saying that it was the only “English” word with no vowels. I probably wrote “CWM = cum = whom” because I was trying to remember possible sexual connotations attached to things said by my father or at my grandfather’s house.

     However, I do not remember my grandfather ever saying anything sexually inappropriate, or doing anything sexually inappropriate, to me; nor do I remember my father talking about the word “cwm” in any sexual context. I probably wrote the above series of phrases simply because they came to mind, and seemed like they could possibly be relevant in terms of helping me recover memories.

         

     - “Elmer Fudd vs. Buster (blue) and Babs (pink) Bunny”:

     This refers to my description of Incident #4 in my second statement to police (an incident which was not mentioned in my first statement). I seem to remember seeing Elmer Fudd stick his shotgun into Babs Bunny’s guts, on the show Tiny Toons, when I was around five or six years old. I remembered Babs Bunny screaming, and I remember perceiving it as arousing.

     I also remember associating white cream with that memory; like that Elmer Fudd had inserted his fingers into Babs Bunny’s vagina, and the white cream was ejaculate, or vaginal secretions. I do not know how I could have known that white cream had anything to do with sex, considering that I was just five or six when that happened, and that I did not ejaculate until I was about twelve years old.

         

     - “finger in butt” and “forced strip searches”:

     I probably wrote “finger in butt” because I was trying to remember whether my father had ever stuck his finger in my butt. I have not recovered any concrete memory of that happening, so I think the cause for that confusion relates to me touching myself there at the age of eleven, years after being molested by my father.

     Another reason for writing “finger in butt” as well as “forced strip searches” could have been that I was strip-searched during an arrest in Utah in 2010, and/or because a friend of my father’s told me around 2011 that he was subjected to an anal cavity search by police when he was a young man. In 2014, I became confused about this memory, and thought that it was my father who was searched, instead of his friend. I wrote about that incorrect memory on Facebook shortly thereafter.

     I have written about this incident in my statements to police, because that post was one of two posts which I made to Facebook in 2014 which pertained to either child molestation or to sexual matters involving my father. The other post was a remark something like “If American society were a cult that ritually molested all of its kids underneath a Christmas tree, our culture wouldn’t be any different from how it is now.”

     One or both of these posts, caused my mother to have a conversation with my father, when they were coming to pick me up from Lake Forest Train Station on February 24^th, 2015, after I had come home from Portland. According to my mother, during that conversation, my father said “I didn’t molest him” even though she hadn’t mentioned molestation yet in the conversation before he said that.

         

     - “fingernail bedding damage”:

     I started biting my fingernails at the age of seven. One day at the age of seven, I was on the school bus, and I saw the fingers of one of the neighbor girls, which she had been biting. This was either what prompted me to start biting my nails, or it happened slightly after I had started biting my nails, and caused me to stop worrying about my habit getting out of hand. After my father discovered my nail-biting habit – a problem which he shares with me – he started instructing me to lay across his lap while he did my nails. He would often dig under my nail beds too deep, causing me pain, which he would usually ignore.

     My father’s attention to the state of my fingernails caused me to start picking at, and biting, my toes, thinking that he would not detect it. After he noticed what I was doing to my toes, he stopped ordering me to lay across his lap for nail trimming. I believe that my nail-biting habit is a self-abusive form of adaptation to my father’s constant, weekly subjection of me to stresses and intimidation (in addition to guilt, shame, manipulation, and psychological abuse).  

                  

     - “fork up the ass”:

     I wrote this because I would watch Shirley Temple movies with my grandmother when I was a child. In the episode I watched more than any other, someone was trying to kidnap Shirley, and in response, she jabbed a fork into his behind. My father never used a fork to abuse me, nor did anyone else).

     - “guitar string in ear”:

     When I was about eight years old, I was tuning my father’s guitar. My father wasn’t in the room, and I didn’t get his permission to touch his guitar. Also, I didn’t play guitar yet, so I didn’t know what I was doing. I tuned one of the strings too tight, and it snapped, striking me in the face. I wasn’t seriously injured. I put the guitar down, and told my father that I broke a string. I don’t remember him getting too mad, or abusing me, or anything like that. I definitely didn’t try to tune his guitar again after that, though.

     The phrase “guitar string in ear” also reminds me of a movie called Whiplash, which I watched in my father’s house in early 2015, probably before I wrote the list of terms. That movie is about a teenage boy who injures himself in order to be a good drummer, in order to make his father proud of him. Seeing the movie Whiplash, after my father recommended it to me, was disturbing to me for several reasons. It certainly made me less interested in doing anything related to music, after my father and I bonded over guitar. I have no reason to bond with him over music, much less anything else, after recovering memories of the abuse he inflicted upon me as a child.  

         

     - “gun rape”:

     This is a reference to another disturbing film I saw my father watching when I was young (of which there are many examples). The 2003 film Monster, in which Charlize Theron plays prostitute-turned-serial-killer Aileen Wuornos, features a scene in which Wuornos is raped with a gun. I remember being a teenager, probably age 16 or 17, and being in the basement of our house at 524 East Washington, seeing my father watching that scene from Monster on our television (probably on DVD or On-Demand).

     My father never abused me or threatened me with a gun, however. Nor did anyone else. However, a guy whose name I never found out, aimed an unloaded gun at my head and then pulled the trigger while we were in my apartment - Apartment #12 of 2307 Northwest Hoyt Street, in Portland, Oregon - in January or February of 2015. He did not overtly threaten me, though; he was silent at the time. And nothing sexual happened during that incident. I do not think that I was remembering this incident when I wrote "gun rape"; it was more likely a memory of Monster.

         

         

     - “heroin”:

     I probably wrote this because I had recently discovered a plastic box of letters – marked with the name of my older half-brother – in my father’s house. As I have said, I would not have opened them if the box had been marked with my father’s name. In that box, I found letters which my father wrote as a child, addressed from “Richard Melvin Kopsick” and other false names, most of which included either Richard or Kopsick in them. My father’s middle name is Steven. Evidently, my father liked to write to people under false names as a child, and not send the letters.

     I also found, in this box, a letter which my father’s law partner Scott Gibson, wrote to him in the 1970s or 1980s, while vacationing in Europe. In that letter - which I believe was written in black pen ink on red card stock, and included a picture of Gibson surfing - Gibson commented to my father about the quality of heroin in Europe. I have informed police of my discovery of this fact. It is worth noting that Scott Gibson has had problems with alcoholism, and that alcohol is chemically similar to opiates such as heroin, which means that alcoholics are especially susceptible to opioid abuse.

         

     - “hold on to the horse”:

     I believe that one or both of my parents said this, or something like it, to me, when I would ride on the horses on carousels as a child. I have always been resistant to going on Ferris wheels and rollercoasters; even very small rollercoasters, designed for small children. I believe that I was anxious about the possibility of falling off of the horses on carousels as well.

     I was never abused near a horse or carousel, though. And the molestation which I remember clearly, probably happened after I was around the age where I would be small enough for carousels. But knowing that I wrote this phrase, has caused me to consider whether fear of motion is at least partially attributable to being shaken, prodded, and molested by my father.

     Despite the fact that I have been afraid of Ferris wheels since I was just two years old, I think it is a distinct possibility that the way my father touched me and handled me, made this problem worse.

         

     - “horse blanket”:

     My father would talk about how he needed a horse blanket, to make fun of his own size and his weight.

     I seem to remember first hearing about the Icarus myth around the age of eight (i.e., in 1995). Either my father told me about it, or I found out about it in a book of Greek myths. I seem to vaguely remember my father either calling me Icarus, and/or telling me to not fly too close to the sun; but I can't remember in what context, nor what age I was when this occurred. I know that I was thinking a lot about the similarities between the words "Richard", "Icarus", "wicker", and other words, between late 2014 and early 2015.

     I was a very inquisitive and studious child, and my school had been teaching me about really interesting and arcane things like Egyptian hieroglyphics and hierarchy, the Futhark language of the Norse, and the works of Leonardo da Vinci. I was about nine years old when a Romanian-American classmate told me some things about Romani (i.e., "Gypsy") superstitions. I also remember being about eight, and trying to write backwards in the mirror like da Vinci did. I was also reading books about U.F.O. sightings and alien abductions, and reading books about Greek mythology, around this time. I think my father found out about this, and put a stop to it. He might have even confronted me while I was at the mirror, and threatened me into stopping it.

     If it's possible that I'm not remembering this incident accurately, then I might be confusing it for Incident #2 (in my second statement to police), wherein I remember my father telling me to kneel on the floor and look at the mirror, possibly while he abused me from behind. I believe that he touched my penis, and then told me to get dressed.

     However, that happened when I was five years old. That's why I believe that there may have been a second incident involving a mirror (the same mirror, actually), later on, at the age of eight years old (or, perhaps less likely, nine).

     It's possible that my father put a stop to my interest in Greek mythology after he became aware that I knew about the demon Incubus. In 1995 - when I was eight years old - the Reebok shoe company came out with a shoe for women called the Incubus. Evidently, the people at Reebok did not know that Incubus is a mythological demon who rapes women in their sleep. I believe that I became aware of this fact the same year it happened, because it was a scandal that was being reported on in the television news.

     If things happened the same way I remember them happening, and my father knew about it, then that could explain why my father didn't want me reading about Greek mythology. The sexual nature of that incident might even explain why he started molesting me regularly that same year. The fact that I knew about Incubus, and other things I've named above, at such a young age - and the fact that I was trying to learn to write backwards using a mirror - might have caused my father to notice that he needed to do something to stifle my intelligence and my ability to communicate (whether to others, or to myself using writing decipherable only to me, like da Vinci), if he wanted to get away with molesting me.

     - “Jethro Tull – Aqualung”:

     I can't recall whether I remembered, at the time of writing, that my father would play this song a lot. I know that I never wrote about it - or thought about it for too long - until early 2021.
     My father would walk into the dining room, where he had his stereo system set up, and play Jethro Tull's song "Aqualung", usually very loud. The song starts with an abrasive, low-pitched, booming electric guitar riff, with bass and drums behind it. Singer Ian Anderson, who wrote the song, sings: "Sitting on a park bench, eyeing little girls with bad intent". He continues, "Drying in the cold sun, watching as the frilly panties run". The song, Anderson has stated, is about a homeless pedophile watching little girls. Anderson has said that the song is about how the narrator - himself - identifies with the homeless pedophile.
     It is odd to think that my father would come into the dining room randomly and play this loud song about a pedophile for me and my mother. It is hard to explain, until you remember that criminals often return to the scene of the crime. Some even want to get caught, because they have a guilty conscience. Such criminals will often put out subtle clues; in part, because they want to get caught (so someone can put an end to their madness and they can get help), and also because dropping hints increases the risk factor, and therefore, the thrill factor.
     I believe that my father played "Aqualung" because he wanted to taunt me by dropping a hint about his pedophilia that I would probably not understand for years. Hell, it took me a full six years after writing down the name of the song, to figure out what my father meant by playing it.
     My father played this song while I was a teenager, all during the period of time between 2000 and 2014 when I had no memory of the sexual abuse which took place mostly in 1995 and 1996. I assume that my father spent the first few years of this time period having no idea whether I remembered the abuse, and the rest of that time thinking that I probably didn't remember anything.
     He probably also assumed that I wouldn't ever remember the abuse. I guess that shows that we should be careful when making assumptions.

          
     - “jousting”:

     This probably refers to me and my brother play-fighting with pool cues (which sometimes turned into mild episodes of violence).


         
     - “Kate” and “Mary” [last names excluded here to protect privacy]:

     These names refer to two women, whom I and my father know, who were girls when I was growing up. I wrote these names because my father spoke about them in a manner which could be construed to be inappropriate.
     Regarding Kate: When I was about ten or twelve years old, and I got a toy that allowed me to hear far-away sounds, my father cautioned me and my brother not to use it to spy on anyone. The first and only thing he thought to use as an example, was if "we" had thought to use it to spy on the girl across the street while she was taking a shower.
     Regarding Mary: I overheard my father remarking to my brother that a girl with whom I attended high school, was cute. She and I were about twenty years old when this happened. When my brother responded by scoffing or displaying mild disgust, my father defended himself by saying "It's not like I'm going to date her."
         

     - “middle child syndrome”:

     My father is a middle child. This fact often figured into the conversations I had with my mother throughout 2015 - and also in 2010 when I was dealing with the fallout from being arrested for marijuana possession - when we were talking about how my father treated me, and what types of psychological issues he might have.


         
     - “my blue-eyed son”:

     This phrase is a segment of the lyrics to Bob Dylan's song "A Hard Rain's A-Gonna Fall", widely interpreted to be about nuclear fallout. The full lyric is "What'll you do now, my blue-eyed son". My father would play this song on guitar and sing it when I was young. This occurred when I was between eight and twelve years old (i.e., between 1995 and 1999).
     I remember thinking that this was some sort of nod to my brother, who has blue eyes, like my father. I have brown eyes. I remember feeling jealous of my brother for having blue eyes, as if my father was singing about my brother, but not about me.


         
     - “never-nude (cocks on socks)”:

     I wrote "cocks on socks" because I remembered being ten years old, and running around the house naked while nobody else was home, with a sock on my penis.
     "Never-nude" is a reference to the show Arrested Development. David Cross plays a character named Dr. Tobias Funke, an "analyst/therapist" or "anal-rapist" who has a pathological fear of being fully naked.
     I remember being afraid of being fully naked as a child, due to conscious fear of being caught masturbating. I also remember that, when I masturbated between the ages of six or seven and twelve, I was never fully naked, and I did not even touch my penis directly. I remember putting my hands inside my pants in preschool, but past the age of about six or seven, until the age of twelve, I always masturbated by touching my genitals over my clothes instead of touching my genitals directly.
     I remember, at least once, having the thought that touching my penis directly was too intense. I believe that, prior to the age of twelve, I figured that if touching myself over my clothes made me have an orgasm, it worked well enough, and touching myself directly wouldn't be necessary, and would also probably desensitize me to pleasurable touch more quickly than continuing to touch myself over my clothes.
     I suspect that - aside from my conscious fear of being caught masturbating - I also had a subconscious fear of being molested again. I intermittently had memories of abuse between the ages of eight and ten years old, but only for very brief periods of time, immediately after the times when I was molested.
     My difficulty remembering whether my father touched my genitals under my clothes, in addition to over them, during the molestation on the gray couch in the basement, could also probably help explain why I had an aversion to touching my genitals directly during masturbation.

         
     - “notary public”:

     My father is (or was) a notary public, and has a notary public stamp. Either before or after writing this phrase, I thought about how similar the phrase is to "not a republic". It's as if notaries are stamping every document in this republic, with the mark of "not a republic", as if to say that this country is not a republic.
     It doesn't matter whether this poetic turn-of-phrase is logically valid, or a cogent point, or makes sense to police, or to you, the reader. The point is that I wrote the phrase "notary public", and I did it because I associate it with negative feelings and with my father.
     People who have been abused, and have Avoidant Personality Disorder (which I may have), avoid most things that remind them of their abuser. Thus, a lot of the contents of this list of phrases, seem like an attempt by me to "exorcise" these negative feelings, by bringing them out and putting them onto paper, in order to relieve myself of the burden of holding these words inside. Explaining why I wrote these phrases now - in April 2021 - has certainly been helpful.

         
     - “pool shower rapist”:

     When I was between the ages of six and thirteen years old, my mother would take me and my brother to the Lake Bluff Public Pool near Central School. When I was about eight or nine, I heard that there was an old man who had previously hung out in the men's showers at that pool, and that he sexually abused (or tried to sexually abuse) a young boy. I don't remember hearing anything else about this, nor any details, aside from simply being told not to spend too long in the men's showers when I shower-off after being in the pool.


         
     - “the dark hallway”:

     This probably refers to one of my earliest memories, which may or may not have been a nightmare. I seem to remember a tall figure in a dark hallway. I suspect that this was either a nightmare, or I got out of bed as a very young child and got scared by the sight of my much-taller father standing in the hallway in the middle of the night. In my second statement to police, I referred to this incident as "Incident #1", although I have no clear memory that makes me feel sure that anything sexual happened during that incident (if indeed it was a real incident, and not just something that I dreamed).


         
     - “the video game” (underlined):

     This refers to a video game that my brother played, and I tried to play, when I was about seven or eight years old, and he was five or six. I can't remember the name of it, but I think it might have been for Super Nintendo.
     The game was about an adult man, who was either a cyborg, or an android, or had some sort of computer chip in him that made him part man and part machine. The game begins with F.B.I. agents bursting into the man's house, and arresting him. The first-person player is charged with the objective of helping the cyborg-man. My brother was always able to move around within the game, but I was never able to. I think I tried to read the instructions, and either I didn't understand them, or else no instructions came with the video game.
     This has nothing to do with abuse I suffered, nor with my father, but it has always bothered me that I was unable to move in the game, or do anything that resulted in any outcome but the cyborg-man getting arrested in the first scene. As I recall, you couldn't play the rest of the game, unless you first saved the man from arrest in that first scene. I never figured out how to play it. I had a strange feeling that my brother had been somehow "selected" to be able to play this game, and that there was some unknown reason why I could only lose.


         
     - “toilet-paperer” and “Halloween eggings & leggings”:

     I wrote these phrases because I toilet-papered Dave Miller's house during high school, and/or because I hit a younger kid with a stick one Halloween when I dressed as a pimp. I told a psychiatrist in 2015 that I had hit a kid with a thin wooden stick one Halloween.
     After high school plays, between the years of 2001 and 2005, I toilet-papered the house of Dave Miller, with other students. Miller was the theater director. I did not discover until 2020 that Dave Miller has had inappropriate sexual relationships with 17-year-old boys.


         
     - “tree removals”:

     Some time between 1992 and 1996, my father got into an argument with one of our neighbors, a woman, regarding tree removals on our property. I remember thinking the tree removals were unnecessary, but sympathizing with both my neighbor and my parents.


         
     - “tuck in tummy to bed”:

     The way my father would tuck me into bed as a child, involved "mummy tucking"; that is, pressing the blanket tightly under the edges of my body. I don't know why I included the word "tummy" when I wrote this phrase down.


         
     - “VOOD” and “woodchuck puppets”:

     "Vood" was how the woodchuck puppet from the show Full House would pronounce the word "wood". My father would do an impression of that woodchuck character, and also Bullwinkle Moose from Rocky and Bullwinkle, when I was a child.


         
     - “Saturday at 11:00”:

     This probably referred to an estimate of what time of the day and week I was molested on the gray couch in our basement. In October 2020, my father informed me that he worked nearly every single Saturday, so I clarified in subsequent statements - regarding Incidents #5 through #16 - that I was probably molested on several Sundays, rather than on Saturdays. This molestation probably occurred in the late morning, and there is an outside chance that some incidents may have happened in the afternoons.


         
     - “stutterer”:

     When I was about six years old, my teachers noticed that I had a stuttering problem. I went to a speech therapist at my school, and she tested me for signs of speech impediments. My symptoms - mostly stammering and stuttering - seemed to go away when I was around the speech therapist; I don't believe that she was able to detect any symptoms. I believe that not being around my father at the time, made my stuttering problems go away.
     I am absolutely certain that my father's extreme level of attention to the words I choose, have caused me to be extremely careful about what I say; sometimes even to the point where I insisted on taking a long time to respond, or stopped speaking altogether because I knew that he would somehow find fault with whatever I chose to say.

          
     - “volunteering information”:

     My father would pressure me to "volunteer information" - when I had done something wrong (or when he merely thought I might have done something he didn't like) - as a way to "make it easier on" myself. Arguments over my grades, and whether they had come in yet, were one of the most common things that resulted in my father pressuring me to "volunteer information".
     My father was raised Catholic, and his parents forced him to go through confirmation when he was resistant to it (and possibly even already an atheist). I suspect that my father spent my childhood projecting onto me, what the priests projected onto him when he was a child; i.e., that I have done something wrong, even if I don't know it, and that whatever it is (even if it's nothing), I need to confess something, because no matter what happened, I would be punished.


         
     - “welt from belt”:

     I was never hit with a belt when I was a child, but my brother and I used to play with belts, and probably also fight each other with them briefly. But never to the point of serious injury. And no belts were involved in any of the sexual abuse which my father inflicted upon me.


         
    - “Whodunit”, followed by “Lester Dunn, Lester Maddox”:

     One day in March 2015 - only several weeks after I had come home from Portland and moved back in with my father (to my surprise) - my parents asked me to help move my brother's stuff out of his apartment, because he was moving.
     During the trip from the moving truck rental facility to my brother's apartment, my father revealed that he had recently attended a funeral for the father of a friend of his, whose last name was Dunn. I asked what the man's first name was, and my father replied "Lester".
     This caused me to start shouting at my father, and criticizing him for naming me Joseph after his father. My father reacted by calling my mother, telling her that I needed to be taken home, and that I didn't want to help move. I was able to calm down and help move, however.
     The reason why I had such a strong reaction to my father saying "Lester", is because for the previous several weeks, I had been experiencing intermittent states of panic and confusion regarding whether my father had molested me as a child. At the time I was helping my brother move, I had only recently discovered that I would be living with my father instead of my mother, which disappointed me and upset me. My father shouts at me so often that it is impossible to communicate with him, and I cannot stand being near him. Having to talk to my father every day, after beginning to recover faint memories of him abusing me as a child, was the last thing I wanted to do at that point.
     Hearing my father say the word "Lester" - which is 3/4 of the word "molester" - triggered me into a mild panic attack.
     I wrote "Lester" after writing "Whodunit", because "whodunit" and "Lester Dunn" popped into my head at the same time. Probably because "Dunn" is one of the syllables in "Whodunit" ("who-done-it").
     I don't mean to imply that remembering my father saying "Lester" is proof that my father molested me. I am merely stating what I remember, in the interest of full disclosure, and stating that the molestation I remember, explains my harsh reaction to hearing my father say three-quarters of the word "molester" to me. Readers may draw whatever conclusions, from these statements, that they may.
     I probably included "Lester Maddox" (the racist governor of Alabama in the 1960s) because he was another person named Lester who was on my mind shortly after my father told me that Lester Dunn had died. I also remember thinking, in 2015, about Dick Lester, the director of the Beatles film Help!. When I moved back into my father's house in early 2015, I found some old Beatles posters of mine, and Dick Lester's name was on one of them. I remember thinking, some time in 2015, that Dick Lester was a very unfortunate name. I did not write down "Dick Lester", however.


         
     - “you’re a good-lookin’ kid”:

     My father would say this to me while he was criticizing me or punishing me as a teenager and during my twenties, as a way to pepper-in a compliment or two while berating, demeaning, devaluing, guilt-tripping, and shaming me, or while telling me that I need to get a job and get my life in order.
     The fact that I wrote this down, shows that I was thinking about my father's inordinate attention to my appearance. Which the appearance of "shoe horn" (and in a way, "corset") also helps explain.


    

6. Conclusions

     The forty preceding sets of phrases and explanations show that there were dozens and dozens of terms, among the one or two hundred terms in those lists, which indicate that I was having a lot of negative thoughts and memories about my father, and questions about whether and how I had been abused, at the time when I was writing them (i.e., February or March 2015).

     I would be willing to swear in open court that the preceding information is true to the best of my recollection.
     The only reason why I am not providing Lake Bluff police with this statement, is because they have told me that the Lake County Specialized Victims Unit doesn't look like they're going to file charges, so I suspect that the police would regard my informing them of these facts as nothing more than a waste of their time.

     I will end this statement by cautioning its readers never to attempt to raise children in Lake County, Illinois.

7. References

     Readers interested in learning more about what recovering memories of abuse, and about what I have gone through psychologically, should study the following topics:
     - A.I.P. (Adaptive Information Processing);
     - the "splitting" of the psyche or personality during abuse;
     - avoidant personality disorder arising as a result of abuse; and
     - narcissistic personality disorder and narcissistic abuse;
     - C.P.T.S.D. (complex post-traumatic stress disorder);
     - gaslighting; and
     - "false memories", and the fraudulent psychiatrist Peter J. Freyd who coined the term "False Memory Syndrome".

     My two statements to Lake Bluff police are available for reference at the links below.

     http://www.aquarianagrarian.blogspot.com/2021/03/second-statement-to-police-regarding.html

     http://www.aquarianagrarian.blogspot.com/2020/05/my-father-richard-steven-kopsick.html

Written on April 15th, 21st, and 22nd, 2021

Published on April 21st and 22nd, 2021