Jack for the Order: Independence from Meyers (Abbreviated Version), by Jack Sampson

The following is an announcement of the candidacy of myself, Jack Sampson, for spiritual leader of the Order of Celestial Integration. The Order of Celestial Integration, or "the Order" for short, is an apocalyptic death cult -slash- record label based out of North Carolina.

My opponent is pastor J.C. Meyers.

This article was first published in Issues magazine in its September 2018 issue.

     It is eye, your deer leader, Jack Sampson, cum to $ave you from bad theocracy! We have nothing to fear but J.C. Meyers!

     I have come to step-up to J.C. Meyers's challenge. I hereby declare my dastardly intent to usurp Meyers's throne via the most treacherous method possible; a duly delegated special election process!

     Meyers might claim that her call was for the Order to have more “profits”, or whatever she's telling people these days. But I heard the “ph” in “prophets” with my own two ears. To be a base-line decent prophet or oracle these days, you have to either commit to nonsense, or commit to being specific in your language.

     I promise to commit to both at the same time, yet Meyers can do neither of these.

     Meyers' slogans – which worship reason and rationality without them having earned this worship – reek only of rationalizing; of a grasping at straws. Meyers struggles to explain, and remains practically speechless. Don't let the ALT-CAPS fool you.

     Not only should J.C. Meyers's fidelity to nonsense come under question, so should her lack of a plan to secure the fiscal stability of the Order. I even suspect this to be the cause of her lack of a financial plan.

     As such, I have serious doubts as to whether my opponent J.C. Meyers even understands the basics of how Crypto-Oracles generate numbers, domain names, the Holy Name of God, and robust sustained economic growth.

     J.C. Meyers's lack of a fiscal plan is worrying enough; but her lack of a non-plan is equally disturbing. I, unlike Meyers, believe that The Best Plan is No Plan. To paraphrase Abraham Lincoln, an apocalyptic cult divided against itself on the topic of salvific suicide cannot stand. J.C. Meyers's anti-suicide stance will simply not last in the modern-day apocalyptic piss-cult world.

     If you are reading this, and you are concerned that your pastor doesn't care enough about how non-being gets a bad rap, then I, Jack Sampson, am your candidate.

     J.C. Meyers caused untold suffering through the unnecessary prolongation of life which resulted from her failure to accurately predict the end of the world.

     It is only a matter of time before American Babylon 2 concertgoers start demanding refunds – nay, reparations! - for being robbed of the apocalypse they rightfully earned and paid for. I have a plan to print special pieces of paper with a very special person's face on it, to make this problem go away forever.

     J.C. Meyers has made us dependent on her for salvation and dank beats. J.C. Meyers has plundered our seas and ravaged our coasts. J.C. Meyers doesn't understand even the most basic principles about what makes time travel and backwards prediction possible. J.C. Meyers has refused to sign church reforms which would recognize and protect our sacred Right to Cum. The list goes on!

     Perhaps most shockingly of all, I have in my possession evidence which strongly suggests that collusion has occurred between the campaigns of J.C. Meyers and her opponent.

     We demand justice.

     Reverend J.C. Liars has betrayed us all, yet she shows no remorse. She knows that what she did was wrong. Her pleas for your sympathy are but bloody crocodile tears; she begs only for your votes and your precious, hard-earned Economic Units.

     I have killed J.C. Meyers before. I am the only one qualified to kill J.C. Meyers again. And this time she will stay dead.

     A vote for Jack is a vote for a good, clean kill.

     J.C. Meyers is dead. Long live J.C. Meyers!

     P.S.: Follow the link below to read Jack Sampson's full invective against J.C. Meyers's campaign to retain her position as spiritual leader and pastor of the Celestial Order of Integration!:

http://aquarianagrarian.blogspot.com/2018/08/jack-for-order-independence-from-meyers.html

     Written on August 28^th, 2018