Introduction,
Written on May 22nd, 23rd, and 24th, 2020
What follows is a document I composed between early October 2019 and
New Year's Eve 2019. It was submitted to the Lake Bluff, Illinois
Police Department, on the evening of December 31st, 2019. It details
seventeen incidents of sexual molestation which occurred in my
childhood, at the hands of my father, between 1992 and 1996 (when I
was aged five through nine).
In
this document, I detailed all the incidents of abuse which I could
remember at the time, and I explain why I came forward exactly when I
did. I also explain how and when I recovered memories of my father
molesting me, and that the reason why I had no memories of the abuse
between 1997 or 2000 and 2014 and 2015, was that I had been partially
choked and deprived of oxygen during the abuse (which made it
difficult to form new memories of what was happening at the time),
and also because I was psychologically abused by my father during the
two decades years following the abuse.
Nothing
about the content of the original document - which I submitted to
police - has been omitted, nor replaced. But the following 11 changes
have been made:
1)
the font and font size; 2) the omission of page numbers; 3) the
formatting of the Table of Contents; 4) the numbering which precedes
the headings; 5) a note in the introduction, which pertains to an
omission from the document; 6) the omission of my signature at the
end of the document, which was found only on the paper print-out of
the document which was made available to the police; and 7-11) five
typographical errors in sections 10d, 10e, 14h, 14i, and 14j.
Those typographical
errors were corrected through the use of brackets, instead of through
replacing any of the original text.
I
apologize for using names of my friends and family members in this
statement, in such a public fashion, without their consent.
I
have done so in order to avoid unnecessarily redacting information
from the statement below, and to avoid being accused of trying to
hide anything or change anything about the statement.
I
will replace any name with “[REDACTED]” if anyone mentioned in
this statement wishes me to do so, but I will not redact anything
else. No part of this statement has been redacted thus far.
I
should note that I have confronted my father about the abuse which he
inflicted upon me during my childhood, and - as I explain in the
statement below - he apologized, in the spring or summer of 2017, for
subjecting me to overwhelming tickling as a child. The fact that he
apologized does not matter to me, and I do not forgive him; but I
must note that the fact that he apologized, means that he must admit
(at least to himself) that he subjected me to overwhelming tickling.
I
would like this case to go to court, because I believe that my father has no explanation as to what happened during the times I allege he molested me, and that he has no alibi.
In order for my father to prove himself innocent, he would have to explain how he subjected me to
overwhelming tickling all over my body (which he admitted to me
privately, and attempted to apologize to me, for doing, in 2017), while also explaining to the jury that he did not
grope my penis and scrotum over my clothes (as I claim) during that
process.
He absolutely did touch my penis; he forcibly restrained me
by clamping down on my sides with his arms, and groped my genitals
over my clothes. He did this while pretending that it was just part of ordinary
tickling, and he made it into a perverse game, in which he would count down, and pretend that he would let me go if I got myself loose from his grip within ten seconds.
He would never let me go; whether I escaped his grasp was always his choosing; he is 6'2" and about 200 pounds. He overpowered me as a five, eight, and nine year old, and the idea that I ever had a chance to escape was a joke on his part, from which he drew pleasure, through humiliating me. I made every attempt to escape which was possible, all of which failed. As much of this as I remembered as of December 31st, 2019, is detailed in the statement below.
The specific details about the incidents of sexual molestation are explained in section 5 in the statement below, which is titled "What Happened: Details of the Seventeen Incidents".
Please
e-mail me at jwkopsick@gmail.com, or call me at 608-417-9395, if you
have any questions about the below statement, or about anything
mentioned above.
Sworn
Statement Regarding Multiple Counts of
Criminal
Sexual Abuse Committed Against Me by RICHARD STEVEN KOPSICK
When I
Was a Minor Aged Five, Eight, and Nine
(in 1992, 1995, and 1996)
written
by JOSEPH WILLIAM KOPSICK
in
October, November, and December
2019
___________________________________________
Table
of Contents
i.
Table of Contents
1. Introduction
2. Allegations
and Charges
3. Laws,
Crimes, and Punishments Relevant to the Allegations and Charges
3a.
Evidence Supporting “Sexual Conduct”
3b.
Evidence Supporting “Force or Threat of Force”
3c.
Evidence Supporting “Victim Unable to Understand Nature of Act or
Give Knowing Consent”
3d.
Conclusion
4. Locations
and Dates of the Incidents of Abuse
4a.
Locations Where the Incidents Took Place
4b.
Dates When the Incidents Took Place
5. What
Happened: Details of the Seventeen Incidents
5a.
First Incident
5b.
Second Through Thirteenth Incidents
5c.
Fourteenth Through Sixteenth Incidents
5d.
Seventeenth Incident
6. Damages
and Evidence Thereof
6a.
Introduction
6b. Evidence
of Childhood Trauma from Age Six to Twelve
6c. Evidence
of Childhood Trauma in My Behavior from Age Fourteen to Present
6d.
Abuse and Disciplinary Style Caused Emotional Trauma and Difficulties
Socializing
6e.
Evidence That the Defendant's Sexual Abuse and Control Caused Sexual
Dysfunction
6f.
Evidence That the Abuse Caused Thoughts of Self-Harm and Suicide
6g.
Physical Evidence of Sexual Abuse, and Evidence That the Abuse Caused
Injuries
6h. Evidence
That the Abuse Caused Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (P.T.S.D.)
6i.
Conclusion
7. Corroborating
Witnesses and Other Possible Victims
7a.
Regarding Incident
#1
7b.
Regarding Incidents
#2 through #13
7c.
Regarding Incidents
#14 through #16
7d.
Regarding Incident
#17
7e.
Witnesses to Circumstances Surrounding the Abuse
7f. Accomplices
and Co-Conspirators
8. How
I Know That I Didn't Welcome the Abuse, and How I Know That the Abuse
Was Forceful
9. When
and How I Recovered Lost Memories of Abuse, Why I Didn't Come Forward
About the Abuse Sooner, and Why I'm Coming Forward Now
9a.
Introduction
9b.
Instances When I Attempted to Disclose the Abuse
9c. Why I Didn't Come Forward About the Abuse Sooner: Bullying
and Memory Problems
9d.
When I Experienced “False Memories” of Abuse, and Why I Think I
Experienced Them
9e.
When and How I Recovered the Lost True Memories of Abuse, and How I
Distinguished False Thoughts from True Memories
9f. How
Concern Regarding Potential Legal Obstacles Has Delayed My Reporting
of the Abuse
9g.
How Concern About My Father's Professional Ties Has Delayed My
Reporting of the Abuse
9h.
How Concern About My Father's Potential Reaction Has Made it
Difficult to Cease Contact with Him
9i.
Why I Am Coming Forward Now
10. Aggravating
Factors Include Fraud, Intimidation, and Manipulation
10a.
Introduction
10b.
Fraud
10c.
Intimidation
10d. Manipulation
10e.
Conclusion Regarding Aggravating Factors
11. Proof
of the Defendant's Guilty Mind
11a.
Introduction
11b. Mens
Rea:
Proof of Criminal Intent
11c.
Proof of the Defendant's Guilty Conscience
12. Proof
That I Am a Reliable Witness, That I'm Telling the Truth, and That My
Memory is Intact
13. Conclusion,
and Signature of the Plaintiff
14. Appendix
of Images and Documents
14a.
Image #1: Positions My Father and I Would Be in Before the Abuse
Started (Drawing)
14b.
Image #2: Positions My Father and I Would Be in Before the Abuse
Started (Drawing)
14c.
Image #3: Positions My Father and I Would Be in During the Abuse
(Drawing)
14d.
Image #4: Me as a Child, With My Father (Two Photographs)
14e. Image #5: Me Happy as a Child (Two Photographs)
14f.
Image #6: Me Unhappy as a Child, With Cousins (Two Photographs)
14g.
Image #7: Me Unhappy at the Ages of Five or Six, and Seven (Two
Photographs)
14h.
Image #8: Me Unhappy at My Seventh Birthday Party (Two Paragraphs)
[i.e., Photographs]
14i.
Image #9: Me Unhappy at My Seventh Birthday Party (Two Paragraphs)
[i.e., Photographs]
14j.
Image #10: Me Unhappy at My Seventh Birthday Party (Two Paragraphs)
[i.e., Photographs]
14k.
Image #11: Me with a Blank Expression at Around Ten (Photograph)
14l.
Image #12: Me with a Blank Expression at Around Eighteen (Photograph)
14m.
Image #13: My Brother's Baby Picture on My Father's Living Room Table
(Photograph)
14n.
Image #14: Two Texts From My Mother Stating That She Believes My
Claims (Computer Image)
14o.
Image #15: Components of Sex Crimes in the Illinois Criminal Code
(Document)
14p.
Image #16: Statutes of Limitations on Reporting Sex Crimes in
Illinois (Document)
14q.
Image #17: Rules of Physical Evidence Concerning Sex Crimes in
Illinois (Document)
1. Introduction
I, JOSEPH WILLIAM KOPSICK (born February 24th,
1987 at 11:57 P.M., at Lake Forest Hospital, the son of RICHARD
STEVEN KOPSICK and Linda Anne Cervetti, formerly Kopsick) do solemnly
swear and affirm that this document is a self-authored,
self-composed, and self-written statement, which I wish to submit so
that it may be used as an affidavit, and used as evidence in my
upcoming criminal lawsuit against my father, RICHARD STEVEN KOPSICK
(of 132 Welwyn Street, Lake Bluff, Illinois), for the crime of
multiple counts of (probably aggravated) Type A Criminal Sexual Abuse
of a minor in the State of Illinois, which he committed against me in
1995 and 1996 (and also, possibly, 1992).
At
the time of writing this statement (October 20th,
and November 19th through
December 8th,
and December 12th and
13th,
and December 16th through
22nd,
and December 29th through
31st, 2019), I duly declare, swear, and affirm that I am in full
possession of my mental and emotional faculties and capacities, and
that my memory is sufficiently intact for me to be able to make
accurate verbal and written statements regarding what I can and can't
remember about the incidents of abuse which I describe in this
written statement. I additionally swear that no other person was
consulted about what the contents of this statement ought to be. I
also affirm that I have never told any mental health professional
about these abuses during any psychiatric sessions.
I
wish to fill out a police report, and (if possible) a Verified
Criminal Complaint (V.C.C.) against the defendant. I wish to speak to
a police officer who will conduct a verbal interview with me, so that
he may fill out a police report about the details of these abuses. I
wish to submit this affidavit, after the verbal interview, so that
the police may use the contents of this affidavit to corroborate my
verbal statements, and also get details and answers to any questions
they may have.
I
also wish to speak to the appropriate police officers and/or
attorneys at law about factors which I believe should be construed to
aggravate the defendant's crimes in the eyes of the State of
Illinois, as well as additional crimes the defendant may have
committed during the course of the sexual abuse. These include the
acts of forcefully and painfully restraining me, compressing my rib
cage and semi-suffocating me, and jabbing his fingers and thumbs into
my underarms and between my ribs. My father deliberately inflicted
pain upon me in numerous ways, to hold me down in order to molest me,
and those deliberate acts of harm should be construed to amount to
either assault, reckless child endangerment, or something similar to
one or both of those crimes.
I
want to make it 100% clear that I am aware that it is illegal, and
punishable, to submit a false police report, or to falsify a police
report. I have not done so. I would not waste the valuable time of
the police department, and there are plenty of things I'd rather be
doing than spending two months compiling this report. But I have done
so because it was necessary to explain clearly, the manner in which
my father not only molested me, but raised me from the very start to
be completely powerless without his guidance and orders. I have not
looked up the punishments for falsifying a police report, because I
am not worried about being punished for that, because I have not done
so.
I
hope that this statement will suffice not only as a detailed police
report of the as many as seventeen incidents of Criminal Sexual Abuse
which my father committed against me as a child, but also as the
definitive story of what happened to me as a child, how my father
raised me, and my relationship with my father in general (however,
since I have only included most of these stories in order to back up
my assertion that my father committed fraud, intimidation, and
manipulation to get away with molesting me, most of these stories
will be more negative than positive).
I
have also included in this report, my thoughts about which mental
illnesses or psychological or personality disorders may be afflicting
my father. It is for that reason that I hope this statement will
suffice as a (possible) psychological profile of my father, or at
least as a set of suggestions about for which disorder it may be
appropriate for a psychotherapist to test him. [Note: I neglected to
include this information in this report.]
I
would be willing to testify in open court that the contents of this
statement are, to the best of my knowledge and recollection, true. If
there are any errors herein, then these are not intentional; they
have only resulted from difficulties which I have had in trying to
remember dates precisely enough to consider including, and from
difficulties recovering details of incidents of abuse which are vivid
enough for me to be able to verbalize.
I
am prepared to answer all the questions, which police and attorneys
deem necessary, to back up my claims with additional written
statements of my own. I also know of several people who witnessed
circumstances surrounding the abuse (although not the abuse itself),
and thus can corroborate and possibly testify to the fact that my
father had ample opportunity to commit the acts of Criminal Sexual
Abuse of which I am accusing him.
2. Allegations
and Charges
I hereby accuse my father, RICHARD STEVEN KOPSICK, of at
least four (4) and as many as seventeen (17) counts of
non-penetrative child molestation, of a variety which is consistent
with the description of the crime of Type A Criminal Sexual Abuse of
a minor. That crime is described in Sections 12 through 15 of the
Illinois Criminal Code, 720 ILCS 5/12-12.
My
father, RICHARD STEVEN KOPSICK, molested me no fewer than four (4)
times, but no more than seventeen (17) times.
The
defendant was born on March 10th,
1957 in New York City, New York; now resides at 132 Welwyn St., Lake
Bluff, Illinois; and formerly resided at 524 East Washington Avenue,
Lake Bluff, Illinois, where most of the incidents of sexual abuse I
describe herein occurred.
I
have had difficulty remembering exactly when the abuses took place,
and exactly how many times, because:
1)
the abuses occurred a long time ago; between 23 and 27 years ago;
2)
I believe that I likely suffered memory loss due to oxygen
deprivation, due to the manner in which the defendant restrained me
and compressed my rib cage and lungs during the abuses;
3)
I may have suffered memory loss, repressed memories, and/or
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, as results of the sexual, physical,
and emotional abuse which I suffered;
4)
the abuses certainly took place repeatedly, enough to have happened
as many as seventeen (17) times. The manner in which Incidents #2
through #13 were committed, were so similar, that it is extremely
difficult for me to distinguish the memory of one incident, from
another, or to say for sure how many times these incidents happened.
However,
according to my best recollection (which I only gained over the last
five years, after beginning to recover memories which had previously
been lost and repressed), there is no way that I could have been
molested any fewer than four (4) times, nor any more than seventeen
(17) times.
Between
four (4) and twelve (12) of these incidents of abuse occurred between
April 1995 and December 1996, on Saturdays (and sometimes Sundays) in
the summers, in the furnished basement of 524 East Washington Avenue,
Lake Bluff, Illinois. The home was a ranch-style house with a
furnished basement and a large backyard, and was built in the 1940s
or 1950s. My father, and his brothers and parents, resided in the
same home beginning in 1966, and my father acquired it from my father
again in approximately June 1992. The house has since been demolished
and replaced with a two-story home.
All
seventeen (17) incidents of abuse which I describe below, occurred
between my fifth birthday (February 24th,
1992) and my tenth birthday (February 24th,
1997). One incident (#1) occurred when I was about five and a half
years old, one incident (#17) occurred just before Christmas 1996
when I was nine, three incidents (#14 through #16) occurred several
months prior to that, and the others (#2 through #13) usually
occurred on Saturdays, in the late mornings and early afternoons
during the springs and summers of 1995 and 1996 (when I was eight and
nine years old).
More
than half of the incidents which took place – namely, Incidents #2
through #13 (and possibly also Incident #1) – followed a consistent
pattern: My father, the defendant, was able to get away with
molesting me by disguising his overwhelming tickling of me (including
my genitals) as harmless play.
My
father would begin by tickling me, and then overwhelm me with
tickling, past the point where I could manage to get enough breath
into my lungs to manage to, clearly and articulately, ask him to
stop. When I did finally manage to get enough breath to say “ow”
or “no” or “stop” or “you're hurting me”, he would
disregard those objections, and continue tickling me in a way which –
now, in hindsight – shows that he clearly intended to overwhelm me
and make me unable to object.
Not
only did he make me unable to clearly object verbally; he made me
unable to physically resist his advances. After tickling me for a
prolonged, uncomfortable period of time, he would, finally, restrain
my arms and legs, to prevent me from keeping his hands away from my
groin, while he “tickled”, fondled, roughly groped, and stroked
my penis and scrotum.
I
cannot clearly remember whether my father “tickled” my penis and
scrotum over my clothing or under my clothing. I believe that he
touched my genitals over my clothes, but not under them. But again, I
cannot say for sure.
3. Laws,
Crimes, and Punishments Relevant to the Allegations and Charges
Since my father, the defendant, RICHARD STEVEN KOPSICK, molested me
no less than five (5) times, but perhaps as many as seventeen (17)
times, I contend that the law prescribes that he should be found
guilty of between five (5) and seventeen (17) counts of Criminal
Sexual Abuse of a minor, Type A (covered under Sections 12-15 of the
Illinois Criminal Code, 720 ILCS 5/12-12).
I say this because the abuses which I suffered at the hands of the
defendant, fulfill all the elements of Criminal Sexual Abuse. “Sexual
conduct” must have taken place, and there must also have been:
1)
“force or threat of force”; and
2)
“victim unable to understand nature of act or give knowing
consent”.
3a.
Evidence Supporting “Sexual Conduct”
What
happened to me was certainly sexual conduct, because whether the
defendant sought sexual gratification out of his actions or not, the
sites of the unwanted touching were my penis and scrotum. The
defendant committed unwanted sexual touching against me, and that is
sexual conduct. I do believe that the defendant intended to achieve
sexual gratification out of the act, though; I say this because of
the way he was shaking, and moving me around, and up and down, during
this harsh restraint and violent tickling.
3b.
Evidence Supporting “Force or Threat of Force” (and Manipulation
Through Gifts and Guilt)
Force:
What
the defendant did to me, fulfills “force” because the defendant
used his arms and legs to overpower me, hold me down, and tightly
restrain me, which compressed my rib cage and lungs and caused me
physical pain, which I remember, and from which I still have mental
anguish.
Threat of Force:
What
the defendant did to me, fulfills “threat of force” because he
engaged in several forms of threatening and coercive behavior;
including fraud, intimidation, and manipulation. This manipulation
included gaslighting; the act of implanting “false memories” in
people's minds, in order to cause them to doubt the accuracy of their
own memories until they are confused and cannot make sense of
reality. This is often done to gain power over a person, and to make
them look insane.
I
will explain, in detail and individually, how the defendant committed
fraud, intimidation, and manipulation against me, in order to keep me
quiet about the abuse (and in order to avoid causing the repressed
memories of that abuse to surface).
The
defendant also made numerous attempts over the years to shame,
isolate, censor, demean, and humiliate me, as well as engaging in
smear campaigns against me.
Manipulation
Through Gifts and Guilt:
My
father has additionally attempted to bribe me into silence, and kept
me terrified and submissive as a child, forcing me to depend on him
to make my decisions and determine with whom it was acceptable for me
to speak.
This
behavior has followed a consistent pattern. I believe that my father
isolated me, and censored my communications, in order to decrease the
chance that I would say something critical of him, or perhaps
remember and divulge the abuse. I believe that my father avoided
discussing the sexual abuse out loud, because he didn't know whether
I remembered it, and wanted to avoid causing those memories to
resurface. I believe that all of these behaviors were done with the
intent to intimidate me, and soft-threaten me, into silence.
Bribes
have accompanied those threats as well. I have always felt guilty and
apprehensive at the thought of accepting gifts from my father. That's
because I always feel like I owe him something afterwards; no gift
from him is just a gift. I have had to use many of his gifts the way
he wanted me to. My father has given me gifts and vacations in
childhood and adulthood, and has offered to pay for college and to
lease a car during my adulthood, but these gifts have strings
attached.
For
example, my father leases a car for me, and says I can use it to
travel to work, but also that I cannot use the car as part of my job.
I am thirty-two years old, he is still treating me like a child, and
I cannot get out from under his control. Every gift he gives, is a
threat that he will hug me again, and I do not want to feel pressured
to touch my father, because of the sexual abuse he inflicted upon me
as a child.
My
father has continued to exert control over me, and keep me quiet, my
pressuring me into continuing to accept his gifts, by brow-beat me
into silence by guilt-tripping me for not accepting or not being
excessively grateful for those gifts. I have always been grateful for
my father's help when he has provided it, but I was extremely
hesitant about going to college (and frankly, my father didn't need
to waste his money at such a prestigious college when I would have
been satisfied with something else), and a lot of the help which my
father offered, came when I needed it least, didn't ask for it, and
didn't want it.
When
I did need help, and needed it most, it was often difficult to speak
with him frankly enough to fix the problem quickly and easily. My
father made every request for help into an issue of how he could
control me while providing the solution, while he also made each
individual conversation terrifying (because I never know what comment
he will take the wrong way, and get angry about).
Silencing:
Additionally,
the defendant has routinely engaged in censorship of my speech while
we have been in the presence of mutual acquaintances; even people we
know well, even family members. One time, when I was about 30 years
old, I was working as a temporary secretary in my father's law
office, and a few of us went out to lunch. We were discussing the
Millennial generation, and I said that I wanted to explain some
things about it. My father bombarded me with several questions at
once, which I could not possibly answer at once, and then pretended
like what he was saying had the intent of inviting me to speak. As
soon as I began to answer, my father opened his mouth again and
started asking more questions. His former law partner, sitting to his
right, said something like “Counselor, you are out of order, please
let the witness respond.” My father stopped talking, and let me
finish.
My
father, very often, invites me to speak, and then starts to talk over
me as soon as I begin to speak. There were several months when I
lived with the defendant, when I was scarcely able to speak three
words to him, without him beginning to shout at me as loudly as he
could. He has not done this as much in the last two-and-a-half years
(i.e., since
mid-2017), but I think that is because “he has gotten caught”; by
which I mean I told him around that time that I recovered memories of
the abuse, and my mother told him that he needed to stop verbally
abusing her at his office.
I
believe that the defendant has attempted to keep me in silence, out
of fear that I might say something critical of him, or divulge the
abuse, to people we know.
If
what I have described above, is not sufficient cause to conclude that
“force or threat of force” was present, then the fact that my
father used physical force to restrain my torso, arms, and legs,
during the sexual abuse, ought to be considered sufficient cause to
conclude that the sexual abuse was committed with the assistance of
physical force.
The
fact that such physical force occurred, in order to perpetrate these
acts of sexual molestation, should be construed to demonstrate that
additional crimes, which are not sexual in nature, may have occurred
(such as physical assault and physical abuse) while I was being
molested. This is to say that these assaults were perpetrated in
order to hold me down during the molestation.
3c.
Evidence Supporting “Victim Unable to Understand Nature of Act or
Give Knowing Consent”
What
the defendant did to me, cannot be excused by my supposed ability to
understand the nature of the act, nor by my supposed ability to give
knowing consent to it. That's because what he did to me shows
repeated patterns of tricking me into getting near him, in order to
catch me, restrain me, and betray his promise to me that he was not
going to do again, what I had clearly and repeatedly communicated to
him that I did not enjoy, was not OK with, and caused me physical
pain.
On
at least one occasion between Incident #2 and Incident #13, my father
verbally acknowledged to me that he wouldn't repeat his previous
actions. In my opinion, that fact should be construed to constitute
an admission of guilt on his part (even if it was only to me, as a
minor child at the time, in private).
The
fact that my father had to actively plead with me, and promise not to
repeat his previous behavior, in order to trick me into getting
molested again, proves to me that my father knew exactly what he was
doing, and he knew that I didn't like it, and also knew that it was
wrong. The fact that he did it anyway, makes him a serial child
molester who committed multiple counts of Criminal Sexual Abuse
against a minor child; against his own son, no less.
Tickling
me was one thing, but I certainly did not understand the seriousness,
nor the sexual nature and intent, of my father's unwanted touching of
my genital area. I am absolutely sure that I, at the age of eight and
nine, was not yet able to give fully informed consent to what was
happening to me; I was neither old enough, nor mature enough – nor
able to understand all of the potential negative consequences – to
be said to have been truly able to consent to the sexual touching
which my father inflicted on my private parts.
Even
if I had been old and mature and wise enough to be able to consent,
the person who touched me sexually was still my own father, whom was
then aged 38 and then 39, (just under 30 years older than I am). I
would never, under any circumstances, willingly nor intentionally
engage in any form of sexual touching with my father, nor any form of
behavior or speech carrying the intent of inspiring sexual arousal in
either him or myself.
I
offer details and supporting facts in the remainder of my statement,
which will help clarify the allegations and assertions contained
herein.
3d.
Conclusion
It
is my opinion that these factors, as well as other factors which I
explain in greater detail below, should be considered and construed
as aggravating factors, meriting at least the full punishment
prescribed by the law, if not additional punishment as well.
Although
the defendant's abuses did not involve penetration (Criminal Sexual
Assault), what the defendant did to me still qualifies as Criminal
Sexual Abuse.
That crime carries with it a Class 4 Felony conviction, of between 1
to 3 years for the first conviction, and for additional convictions,
a Class 2 Felony conviction, of 3 to 7 years incarceration (which is
probationable).
Thus,
since the defendant molested me no fewer than four (4) times, but
perhaps as many as seventeen (17), the first incident should merit a
Class 4 Felony conviction, and at least one (1) year in jail or
prison but as many as three (3) years in prison. This may apply only
to repeat offenders who have been incarcerated between offenses, but
the two to sixteen (2-16) additional counts could merit Class 2
felony convictions and additional time in jail or prison.
Combining
all counts, the law prescribes that if the defendant is convicted of
all seventeen (17) incidents, then he should receive one Class 4
Felony conviction, sixteen Class 2 Felony convictions, and between
113 and 115 years in prison (pending potential appeals, reductions of
sentences due to good behavior, or probation, or mental evaluations,
or commitment in a mental institution, etc.),
unless conviction for a Class 2 Felony is only reserved for repeat
offenders who have already been incarcerated and are showing signs of
recidivism.
I
will accept whatever punishment the state doles out, in terms of
incarceration, but I stress that I will not feel safe unless my
father both goes to jail and receives the psychiatric care he needs.
I also wish to state that, under no circumstances, will I request nor
accept material nor monetary damages nor rewards, nor will I settle.
I am not after my father's money, I want justice I want my father to
get help, and I believe that my father will not voluntarily go to
therapy without the state requiring him to do so.
4. Locations
and Dates of the Incidents of Abuse
4a. Locations Where the Incidents Took Place
The
first to thirteenth incidents – about which I have the clearest
memories – which occurred, took place at 524 East Washington
Avenue, Lake Bluff, Illinois (the home which I shared with my parents
and brother from mid-1992 until I left for college in late August
2005).
Three
of the incidents occurred at the home of my now deceased grandfather,
Joseph John Kopsick (1923-2003), at 108 Welwyn Street, in the
Knollwood neighborhood of Lake Bluff near the border with North
Chicago. The set of dates listed below, between May and August 1996,
correspond to the set of dates on which I may have been (and have
incomplete memories of being) abused at my grandfather's house.
The
final incident occurred in my family's hotel room at the Union League
Club of Chicago, 65 West Jackson Boulevard, Chicago.
4b. Dates When the Incidents Took Place
The
second to thirteenth incidents typically occurred on Saturdays, when
my mother would go out grocery shopping and doing other errands, but
some incidents likely also happened on several Sundays.
This
means that the possible dates of abuse, in Incidents #2 through #13,
are as follows:
1.
The Saturdays in April, May, June, July, and August 1995 (i.e., April
8th,
15th,
22nd,
and/or 29th;
May 6th,
13th,
20th,
and/or 27th;
June 3rd,
10th,
17th,
and/or 24th;
July 1st,
8th,
15th,
22nd,
and/or 29th;
an/or August 5th,
12th,
19th,
and/or 26th,
1995);
2.
The Sundays in April, May, June, July, and August 1995 (i.e., April
9th,
16th,
23rd,
and/or 30th;
May 7th,
14th,
21st,
and/or 28th;
June 4th,
11th,
18th,
and/or 25th;
July 2nd,
9th,
16th,
23rd,
and/or 29th;
and/or August 6th,
13th,
20th,
and/or 27th,
1995);
3.
The Saturdays in April, May, June, July, and August 1996 (i.e., April
6th,
13th,
20th,
and/or 27th;
May 4th,
11th,
18th,
and/or 25th;
June 1st,
8th,
15th,
22nd,
and/or 29th;
July 6th,
13th,
20th,
and/or 27th;
and/or August 3rd,
10th,
17th,
24th,
and/or 31st,
1996); and/or
4.
The Sundays in April, May, June, July, and August 1996 (i.e., April
7th,
14th,
21st,
and/or 28th;
May 5th,
12th,
19th,
and/or 26th;
June 2nd,
9th,
16th,
23rd,
and/or 30th;
July 7th,
14th,
21st,
and/or 28th;
and/or August 4th,
11th,
18th,
and/or 25th,
1996).
I
regret that I am not able to provide a more precise set of dates; I
did so only to increase accuracy. I have included the above dates,
because they reflect as much as I know about the dates on which the
acts of sexual abuse might have occurred, and must have occurred.
There
are five additional incidents which took place as well.
Two
or three incidents of the abuses (likely the fourteenth through
sixteenth chronologically), occurred at the home of my now deceased
grandfather, Joseph John Kopsick (1923-2003), at 108 Welwyn Street,
in the Knollwood neighborhood of Lake Bluff near the border with
North Chicago.
The
last and most recent incident occurred several days before Christmas
1996 (perhaps Monday, December 23rd,
1996).
5. What
Happened: Details of the Seventeen Incidents
5a.
First Incident:
The
first traumatic incident which I remember, took place when I was
about five-and-a-half years old. My family had moved into our house
at 524 East Washington Avenue, Lake Bluff, around June 1992; we moved
in as my grandfather (Joseph John Kopsick) moved out. He had owned
that house for the previous twenty years or more.
Between
one and four months after we moved in (which would make it between
July and October 1992), I remember making a drawing in order to cope
with some traumatic event which I experience. I suspect that that
trauma might have been at the hands of my father.
If
there is any chance I am remembering the events which I describe
below incorrectly, then the only thing I might have gotten wrong is
the date. If the event which I describe below did not happen in late
1992, then it happened some time during the following year (1993).
I
remember making several drawings; on white paper with pen, with tape
holding it together. I drew two characters; cartoon mammals, perhaps
gophers or hamsters or guinea pigs of some sort. Whatever creature it
was, I drew a “mother gopher” and “son gopher”, and the house
they lived in. I intended to use the spring from the doorstop (or
some other small spring I had) to make the “mother gopher” pop
out of the house when the “son gopher” came home. My idea was to
put the “mother gopher” paper drawing on top of the spring. I
remember drawing the “son gopher” with holes or injury marks all
over his body. The purpose of the “mother gopher” popping out
when her son came home, was to comfort him after being injured. I
affixed some of these drawings onto the wall several inches off of
the floor, near my bedroom door.
I
have difficulty remembering exactly what traumatic event inspired
this piece of art which I made as a child. I remember hiding it
because I was too afraid to try to talk about it, which leads me to
conclude that something had happened which was too horrible for a
five year old to be able to talk about. This makes me suspect that
this was the first time my father physically (and/or sexually) abused
me.
The
fact that the “son gopher” had holes drawn all over it, leads me
to suspect that I was abused, during Incident #1, in the same manner
in which I was abused during Incidents #2 through #13 (namely, with
jabbing and poking all over my body, in order to hold me down and
tickle me invasively).
That
is all I can manage to remember about that incident; I cannot say
that I have clear, vivid memories of a touching of a specifically
sexual nature. But I cannot say, either, that I would have even been
capable, at that young age of five, to even understand that his
actions were sexual (or that they had a sexual intent) in nature,
especially considering that if I was molested on that day, that would
have been the first time something sexual had ever happened to me.
5b.
Second through Thirteenth Incidents:
The
next traumatic incidents which I remember, took place when I was aged
8 and 9. These incidents – numbering no less than four (4) and no
more than twelve (12) – took place at 524 East Washington Avenue,
Lake Bluff, Illinois, a ranch-style home with a furnished basement
(which has since been demolished and replaced with a two-story home).
Instances of abuse typically happened on Saturdays, when my mother
would go out grocery shopping and doing other errands, but may have
additionally happened on some Sundays.
On
nearly every Saturday and some Sundays, in the springs and summers of
1995 and 1996, the defendant would lie down on the couch in our
furnished basement, on his right side, watching sports on television.
The sport which he would watch, was usually golf, but he would also
watch baseball later in the summer, and eventually basketball in the
autumn. The defendant was watching golf most of the days on which the
incidents of abuse occurred.
When
my father, the defendant, would lay down on the couch in the
basement, on his right side, watching television, his legs and the
back of the couch made a “triangle” shape (such that his upper
legs made up one side of the triangle, while his lower legs made up
another side, and the other side of the triangle was the back of the
couch between his feet and the base of his back). My brother Michael
and I would sit in that “triangle”, watching TV with our father,
with the back of the couch behind us, and our father's legs in front
of us.
Little
did I know that this “triangle”, formed by my father's legs,
would become a physical trap which my father would use to lure me
into-under his control, so he could inflict sexual abuse upon me.
My
father would either wait for an unsuspecting moment at which I was
vulnerable or distracted, and looking away, or else he would create
some sort of distraction or diversion, like to get me to look out of
the basement window, or somewhere else in the room.
Then,
my father would seize control of my body, by using his strong,
powerful legs, to clamp down onto my legs and the lower half of my
body. He would clamp his legs together over the bottom half of my
body, while surrounding the top half of me with his arms. He would
gain complete control over where my arms and legs could go, and he
would immobilize me by holding my legs down in place.
After
my father successfully restrained my legs and stopped them from
moving, he would surround the middle of my torso with his arms. He
would give me a sort of “bear hug”, except it was extremely
uncomfortable, because he seemed to have been embracing me with all
of the strength he could muster. I would struggle to use my thumbs
like a crow-bar to free myself, inserting my thumbs between my
father's forearms and the sides of my stomach. I would try to free
myself from my father's grasp, while pushing down on his forearms
with my hands. All the while, he would be groping my penis and
scrotum invasively and roughly from underneath. [Note: I recovered
that specific memory while speaking in person to my mother on
December 30th,
2019]
At
some point between clamping his legs down upon me, and surrounding me
with his arms, my father would tickle me until I was so overwhelmed
that I was unable to stop laughing hysterically and involuntarily,
and unable to object. And I did verbally object, numerous times; it's
just that these objections – pleas and cries to stop – were
ignored by the defendant. Moreover, I was scarcely able to enunciate
my objections clearly, because I could barely manage to get enough
air into my lungs to speak any words clearly whatsoever (at least for
more than a second or two at a time).
The
reason my father restrained my arms and legs, was evidently to stop
me from swatting his hands away from my genitals, which he would
roughly grope and fondle. Once he had my arms restrained, he was free
to touch my penis and scrotum as much as he wanted, without me being
able to put up any resistance.
The
defendant would subject me to not only overwhelming constant
tickling, but also painful and invasive forms of abuse. For example,
he would use his fingers to sharply and suddenly jab at, and dig
into, my neck and collarbone, armpits, and rib cage near my floating
ribs and kidneys. This would cause me pain and pressure and
discomfort, which the defendant either intended to do, or else
disregarded because causing this pain was necessary to keep me in
place and stop me from squirming or getting away.
My
father would use the palm of his hand to stroke my penis and scrotum
– first gently, then roughly - over my clothes. He would put his
right hand over and around my penis and scrotum, he would cup my
genitals in his hand and squeeze them, and he would first slowly and
gently stroke my penis, and then stroke it gradually more and more
frantically, quickly, and roughly. He also roughly groped my penis
and scrotum.
I
am confident that my father touched me over my clothing, but I am not
positive as to whether he ever touched me under my underwear with
direct skin-to-skin contact. If he did, then I can't remember it. But
I do remember him roughly groping me over my clothing; but I'm not
sure as to whether it was over one or two layers of clothing. I was
probably wearing pajama pants at the time, but I might have been
wearing shorts. Whatever I was wearing, my father roughly groped my
penis and scrotum through my clothes, while holding me down so I
couldn't escape, and while invasively jabbing and poking at various
parts of my body.
Until
very recently, I was still trying to figure out exactly how my father
pinned my arms down, in a way that stopped me from swatting his hands
away from my groin.
I
know that he would tickle me in the underarms when I tried to resist,
to discourage me from continuing to try to resist. This relentless
tickling would cause me to experience difficulty breathing, which
would cause me to shake violently, to try to wiggle my hips free from
his arms, which were encircling my center.
Once
he had me restrained and unable to get out of the grip of his arms,
he pinned me close to him, with me sitting in his lap, and he would
hold my arms back with his hands somehow. I think he did it by either
holding onto both of my wrists with one of his hands, or else using
one of his arms to keep both of my arms pinned back. He probably did
one, the other, or both.
I
cannot remember how he pinned my arms down, but I do remember trying
to use my hands to push down on his wrists, in order to free myself
from his grip. My father would surround the middle of my torso with
his arms, and hold me down close to him, while fondling my genitals
from underneath with his hand. I remember using my thumbs as a sort
of crow-bar, to try to pry the sides of my ribs and my stomach free
from his roughly enclosing “embrace”. To be perfectly clear and
to reiterate, he roughly groped me from underneath, while he held me
down close to him, by bear-hugging the center of my body, while I
tried to pry myself free of his grasp with my thumbs. He refused to
let me go, and kept touching me against my will. I recovered this
specific memory on December 30th,
2019, while speaking to my mother about the abuse.
Once
my father had my arms and legs reliably restrained with his own hands
and legs, I could do nothing other than to lay there on top of him
while he tickled, fondled, and stroked my penis and scrotum. I would
whimper and cry, and struggle to breathe steadily while he did it. I
could scarcely get enough breath in me at that point to object or cry
or scream. All I could do was try to think of ways to escape, and
that always proved impossible.
Whenever
I did manage to get enough breath into my lungs – between either
screaming or crying, and being forced to involuntarily laugh from
overwhelming tickling – I would try to shout “no” or “stop”
or “stop it” or “please stop” or “what are you doing” or
“you're hurting me” or “I don't like this” or “I can't
breathe”. But my father would disregard those objections, and
continue molesting me by “tickling” my genitals and underarms in
this overwhelming manner. He would not only tickle my armpits, but
also grab at them and pinch them, and jab at and dig into them
forcefully with his thumbs. It was especially difficult to get air
into my lungs during all of this, because every time I would try to
breathe in and gather my strength to attempt escape, my father
(probably aware that this is what I was trying to do), my father
would begin to touch me in an even more rough and intense manner.
When
I would verbally object, the intensity of the unwanted touching and
poking would get even worse. That's probably because my father knew
that groping me more intensely would shut me up and stop me from
continuing to object. I tried to get enough breath in me to keep
objecting, and tried to get away, but I had no realistic shot at
mustering up enough strength to push his arms off of me. Besides,
such an opportunity never came up, because my father's hands would
move so fast (from my groin, to my underarms, to my hands and arms to
hold them back) that I was neither fast enough, nor strong enough, to
stop my father from grabbing at whatever part of my body he wanted
to.
The
fondling and intense groping of my penis and scrotum would only cease
when the defendant had had enough; my objections had nothing to do
with whether and when he decided to stop. No amount of me trying to
fight him off, or trying to scream objections and pleas to stop, were
ever enough to get him to stop. It stopped whenever he wanted it to
be over.
I
tried to physically thwart my father off, and I tried as many ways as
possible to swat and slap his hands away from my groin, or use what
little strength I had in my arms to push his hands away from my
genitals. This was no help, though, because when I did this, he would
respond by more strongly holding my arms back and restraining me, so
that I would have nothing left to resort to, in order to try to keep
warding him off.
When
I think about being groped like that, I remember getting a head rush
while it was happening. My brain would flood with “fight or flight
response” chemicals, while I would struggle to breathe. My father's
semi-suffocation was depriving me of both oxygen and the rush of
chemicals I needed to gather up the strength to pull away or resist
him.
As
I explained, I still have difficulty remembering whether this groping
of my genitals was over my clothes, or under my clothes, or both. I
believe it was solely over the clothes.
I
can't be sure, though, because I suspect that if I had been groped
under my clothes, my mind might have blotted-out that memory because
it would be too traumatic for me to handle, and for my mind to allow
me to remember.
On
the other hand, if memories of skin-to-skin contact during that
groping simply are not present in my mind, maybe that is because they
never happened. But still, even if that groping did not involve skin
to skin contact, it at least involved deliberate groping and fondling
of my penis and scrotum over my clothes, which is still an act of
deliberate fondling of a child's genitals, and thus Criminal Sexual
Abuse punishable by incarceration in Illinois. Moreover, my father
had every opportunity to touch my genitals under my clothes if he
wanted to, and if he did, then that could reasonably explain why I
don't remember such a thing happening.
I
believe that the defendant had a deliberate intent to achieve sexual
gratification through these actions, as well as an intent to
overwhelm me by tickling me in such an invasive, unrelenting manner.
I believe that this was deliberate, because me being immobilized and
unable to object (either verbally or physically), was what allowed
him to seize on this moment of my vulnerability in order to “tickle”
my genitals. Tickling and holding me down were what allowed him to
suppress all of my visible and audible objections.
To
be clear, what my father did to me – aside from touch my groin –
was subject me to at least 3 to 5 solid minutes of non-stop tickling.
He also jabbed and poked and pinched and groped at various places on
my body at the same time, including my rib cage (especially around
the lower ribs and the center of my torso) and my underarms as well
as the joints of my arms and legs. He would also surround the center
of my body with his arms tightly, so that I couldn't wiggle free.
All
of this forced me to laugh so much that I could scarcely breathe. He
was also restraining me, so the combination of restraint, with
breathless laughter from being forcibly tickled, resulted in what
amounted to near suffocation. I couldn't breathe, and I was letting
him know that. He didn't seem to care.
I
believe that my father deliberately overwhelmed me with tickling, in
a manner which he knew would cause me to become unable to keep my
wits long enough, and stop laughing long enough, to enunciate a clear
objection to what was happening to me. I believe that he did this in
order to convince himself – as well as me – that he was just
playing with me, and in so doing, gain plausible deniability with
which to dismiss the idea that he had any intent to hurt or molest
me. I want to state unequivocally that my father did not just tickle
me; he tickled and fondled and groped and stroked my penis and
scrotum. “Tickling” a child's genitals is not an acceptable, nor
appropriate, form of tickling.
My
father, the defendant, acted with such wanton disregard for my safety
and health, during these acts of groping, that he disregarded my
objections even when I alerted him to the fact that he had caused me
significant pain and had possibly seriously injured me in the
process.
One
of the last times this groping on the basement couch occurred –
probably the last of those incidents – I remember screaming at my
father, at the top of my lungs, as loud as I could: “You really
hurt me!”.
I
said this because he had knocked the wind out of me, by jabbing his
fingers into my sides (while also making it harder for me to breathe,
by surrounding my torso with his arms and crushing my body, and also
by tickling me until I was unable to object due to being forced to
laugh). While recovering from that incident, I remember struggling to
get enough air into my lungs in a way that would make me feel like
there was enough air in them as there was supposed to be. I had to
hold my breath in, to make my lungs feel full. I felt like he had
poked holes, in the tissue between my ribs, with his fingers.
I
left that incident of groping, believing that my lungs and/or ribs
had been severely damaged. I told my father how much he had hurt me,
and still he ignored my concerns and refused to do anything about it.
It may be a “positive” that he did not molest me many more times
after this; however, it still means that my father would stop at
nothing to keep molesting me, even if it meant breaking my ribs or
puncturing my lungs. Still, I believe that my father understood from
this injury that he could not continue molesting me without risking
serious injury to my body, and serious harm and pain to me.
The
only source of “therapy” which I had, to help me recover from
these events, was sitting curled up, in a fetal position, on a small
gray love seat which sat next to the couch on which my father abused
me. I would sit in that love seat, while my father sat silently
watching television. I would cry, and try as hard as I could to stop
crying.
My
father rationalized, defended, excused, and justified his behavior
towards me after each incident happened. Often, while I was
attempting to recover, my father would mock my crying, scoffing and
laughing at me, and make fun of me for objecting to what he had done.
He would say things like “That wasn't so bad”, and “I didn't
hurt you”, and maybe also something like “Come on, it wasn't that
bad.”
[Note:
I think that my father would also mock the tone of my voice when I
would say “I don't like this.” I am not positive that my father
did this either during or after the abuse, but I know that he has
mocked me for saying that, at times when I wasn't being abused, and
was instead in front of other people. One winter, when I was about
three years old, my father put me on a sled, at the top of a small
hill. Since I was young and small, I was afraid to sled down the
hill, so I said “I don't like this”. It would be difficult to
estimate how many times my father has told this story, and laughed
after mocking the way my voice sounded. From my point of view, my
father thought it was funny that I was afraid. The possibility that
my point of view on this is correct, does not comfort me, nor did it
when I was a child. When I would express disapproval, or more
sadness, at the fact that my father was imitating me and laughing at
me, my father would say that he was talking about it because “it
was cute”. The fact that my father thinks that it is “cute”
when I am afraid, disturbs me, but it would also help explain why he
found me so attractive while I was struggling in fear to escape from
his restraint when he molested me.]
I
expect that, if and when confronted about these abuses, he will
describe these incidents of groping and fondling of my genitals, as
nothing more than “tickling”, which was part of play between
father and son. However, since he was aged 38 or 39 at the time, the
defendant should have been able to recognize that I was giving
multiple signs that I did not approve of what he was doing. I did
not, in any way, enjoy this abuse; I was only laughing at the time
because being tickled causes involuntary laughter, especially for
prolonged periods of time. This is the same involuntary reaction
which accompanies being forcibly tickled in the private parts.
While
sitting in the love seat after the abuse, I was dehydrated (from
being suffocated, tossed around, and molested), so I remember asking
(or, more accurately, “begging”) my father if I could walk over
to the basement bathroom and get a drink of water from the faucet. He
would oblige me. I think the reason why I didn't leave the love seat,
is that I didn't think I was free to leave. I don't remember ever
being allowed to stay away from my father immediately after the abuse
would occur. I can't remember exactly why, but I remember having the
distinct feeling that he did not want me to leave the room after the
abuse would occur.
Maybe
I knew that if I had run to my room, or upstairs in general, my
father might try to catch me. I was probably afraid to find out. What
I can say for sure, is that I waited for my mother to come home,
before I knew it was safe enough to walk around the house freely.
After the abuse, I would usually go to my bedroom, or I would watch
television in one of the other rooms.
As
I explained, the incidents during which I was subjected to unwanted
genital touching on our basement couch, numbered no less than four
(4) incidents, and no more than twelve (12) incidents.
But
however many times it happened, a distinct pattern emerged. The
second time this happened and later, the defendant knew that he would
need to try harder and harder each time to coax me into sitting on
the couch behind his legs, so that I would trust him enough again to
be near him. On at least one occasion, the defendant told me that he
was not going to do again this time, what he did last time
(i.e., molest
me). He absolutely knew how much I hated the way he had touched me
the previous time, and I, being a child at the time, foolishly fell
for it, time and time again.
Each
one of these numerous instances of genital groping, and being tossed
around and manhandled while being shaken, would leave me exhausted,
sweating, and with a violently spinning headache. I would also be
thirsting for water, and desperately dehydrated; this was due to the
sweating, due to the defendant depriving me of air, and due to his
depriving me of any break from his relentless tickling and invasive
jabbing at various parts of my body. I remember trying to figure out
why my father would be so sweaty at the end of these incidents.
As
an adult, I now understand that people sweat when they masturbate;
that is why I strongly suspect that my father had the intent of
sexual gratification when he pressed his thumbs into my underarms and
groped my penis and scrotum.
The only time I remember trying to explain to my mother what was
going on, while the abuse was still happening, was after the abuse
had occurred several times already.
One
Saturday morning, probably in the summer of 1995, my mother told me
that she was going out to do errands (probably buying groceries,
other shopping, or going out to have lunch with friends, etc.).
I asked my mother to stay home that day, because I had begun to
detect a pattern about my father's abuse. I thought that if my mother
had stayed home, that Saturday, my father wouldn't have been able to
get away with what he had been doing to me on other Saturdays. At
least, not without my mother hearing what was happening, and going up
to my father and asking questions.
Since,
in 1995, I was barely able to understand what my father had done to
me (and thus, unable to understand that it was sexual in nature), I
was not able to explain to my mother's satisfaction why I wanted her
to stay home. She probably assumed that I, a young child of eight
years old at the time, simply missed her when she was out of the
house shopping on Saturday afternoons, and did not suspect anything
unusual.
If
I had tried to explain that my father had “touched my private
parts”, I suspect that my mother would have done something
about it. I had no idea how serious it was, what had happened to me;
and I had no idea how to express the events which took place.
Unfortunately,
my mother did not find out about any of the abuse while it was still
happening; only years later, in 2015 (after I recovered repressed
memories). I first spoke to my mother about the abuses in early 2015,
within several months of beginning to recover the memories of those
incidents. I know for sure that my mother believes what I have
divulged to her about the abuse, because she texted me to say that
she believes me, on December 16th,
2019 (see Image #14 in Section 14 of this report). But I also suspect
that she might be hesitant to admit what happened to anyone besides
myself, because of the embarrassment and shame that might be
involved.
During
the spring and summer of 1995 and 1996, my father – the defendant,
RICHARD STEVEN KOPSICK – engaged in periodic, repeated, consistent
patterns of serial criminal sexual abuse of a minor (myself). The
defendant's intention was clearly to make me unable to object, either
verbally or physically. If caught, the defendant could have used my
apparent lack of an objection, as plausible deniability of his
crimes, because he could get away with claiming that I consented or
understood what was happening to me. However, I did not consent, nor
did I understand that what was happening to me provided sexual
gratification for my abuser.
These
episodes of groping a minor's private parts should be understood as
the criminal behavior of a serial child molester and pedophile. There
is no possible way that they could be construed as having been “an
accident”. First, because “an accident” implies that it only
happened once, and “accidents” implies that what he did was
unintentional (or that he did not understand what he was doing). Only
insanity, mental disability, or severe alcohol or drug dependency,
could possibly suffice as an explanation (but not an excuse) as to
why my father might not have understood what he was doing. But those
are not acceptable defenses for the crime of Criminal Sexual Abuse.
This
leads me to conclude that my father knew that he was molesting me,
when he was “tickling” my penis and scrotum. If he did not
understand, then he should only be let off on reason of insanity.
However, insanity is not one of the possible defenses for the crimes
he committed; the only defense is if the accused believed the victim
to be over 17, and the defendant knew that I was not yet that old at
the time when the abuses occurred. He was present for my birth; he
knows how old I am better than almost anyone.
There
is no shadow of a doubt in my mind as to whether my father knew what
he was doing.
He
absolutely did know what he was doing, and his intention was to gain
sexual gratification from groping, fondling, and – as he will
probably say in his defense – “tickling” my penis and scrotum.
To
anyone who would ask me whether I was merely tickled in an
appropriate manner, and am simply exaggerating it; I know the
difference between tickling someone playfully, and forcibly holding
them down – and holding their arms back – in order to overwhelm
them with tickling, and jabbing sharply with fingers at sensitive and
vulnerable spots on someone's body.
My
father did not just “over-tickle” me; he crushed me and
suffocated me while forcibly restraining me, in order to prevent me
from protecting my genitals from his groping, fondling, and
“tickling”.
I
have included hand-drawn images, depicting the abuses inflicted upon
me during Incidents #2 through #13; those images are Images #1
through #3 in Section 14 of this report.
5c.
Fourteenth through Sixteenth Incidents:
Two
or three incidents of the abuses (likely the fourteenth through
sixteenth chronologically), occurred at the home of my now deceased
grandfather, Joseph John Kopsick (born 1923, died ca. 2003), at 108
Welwyn Street, in the Knollwood neighborhood of Lake Bluff near the
border with North Chicago. These possible incidents of abuse occurred
some time in the second half of 1996.
On
a few of the weekends, during the summer and fall of 1996, my father
would take my brother and me to our paternal grandfather's house. My
grandfather was 73 years old at the time, and my father would go to
his house to get work done, smoke cigars and drink whiskey with his
father, and sometimes watch television and help my grandfather get
his possessions organized.
My
brother and I would usually be left in our grandfather's living room,
watching television, while my father would be working, or while he
would leave for a while to run errands. Usually my brother came with
us, but a few times he did not, and my father took me to his father's
house without my brother.
Often,
when my brother and I were at our grandfather's house, we would hide
in our grandfather's large brown leather couch, covering ourselves
with the huge cushions. We did this in order to hide from our father,
but for my brother this was a playful event, rather than one based on
fear of my father. I may not have hidden in the couch cushions out of
fear exactly, but I much preferred being alone to interacting with my
father, so fun was not my only motive in hiding. Covering ourselves
with cushions was fun in and of itself, but there was another reason
why we were doing it. Hiding from my father was fun at times, but the
times it was scary, got too scary too quickly.
I
cannot say for sure whether my father molested me at my grandfather's
house; that is the nature of repressed memories. What I do remember,
however, is that around the time when my father would take me to my
grandfather's house often, my father called my mother on the phone,
at least once or twice to tell her that I was vomiting, and that she
had to come pick me up (or that my father was about to bring me
home).
I
remember getting sick, and throwing up, at least once or twice at my
grandfather's house, and needing to go home shortly thereafter. This
worries me because dehydration and throwing up are often side effects
of rough manhandling and sexual abuse. It additionally worries me
because I remember my father throwing me onto my grandfather's bed
several times; again, I do not remember whether I viewed this solely
as a playful event. I am also concerned because I was exposed to
second-hand cigar smoke while at my grandfather's. The cigar smoke
could have explained my dehydration and vomiting, but the fact of my
lost memories is also disconcerting, because I know that alcohol can
make a person forget due to nerve damage.
I
suspect that my father would take advantage of these opportunities to
be alone with me at my grandfather's house, in order to molest me. If
my father did molest me at my grandfather's house, then I suspect
that he got away with it by drugging me (by getting me to imbibe
alcohol), to make me forget about the molestation.
I
believe that he did this to the point where I was intoxicated, needed
to throw up, and had been through some form of stomach trauma which
could serve to distract from - and suffice as an explanation for -
the molestation to which I may have fallen victim while at my
grandfather's house. Of course, if he did make me drink liquor, then
I would probably not have been able to explain that he had done that
to me (considering that children don't understand what alcohol is or
what it does to people, and also considering that alcohol depresses
the speech centers of the brain).
I
regret that I cannot be any clearer, nor provide any more details, on
these two or three incidents of genital groping which possibly
occurred at my grandfather's house. Even if not a single incident of
molestation occurred at my grandfather's house, there is no way that
my recollection about the four or more incidents of groping on our
couch in the basement, could have been made up, nor exaggerated nor
distorted.
The
reason why I suspect that sexual abuse may have occurred during these
three incidents, is that I cannot think of any other logical
explanation as to why I became so sick that I vomited on two or more
occasions while (usually alone with my father) at my grandfather's
house.
5d.
Seventeenth Incident:
The seventeenth and final incident of abuse occurred at my family's
hotel at the Union League Club of Chicago, 65 West Jackson Boulevard,
Chicago, several days before Christmas 1996 (perhaps Monday, December
23rd,
1996).
This
is another incident which I find very difficult to remember. My
father, and his then business partner Scott Gibson, had booked our
two families rooms at the Union League Club of Chicago, over the
Christmas / holiday break at the end of 1996.
Children
attending the Union League Club's holiday events that year, were
treated with Christmas-themed pancake breakfasts, and music by
children's singer-songwriter Susan Salidor.
One
evening, probably two or three days before Christmas Day 1996, my
father took me up to our hotel room, to help me get changed before
dinner. I always remember being extremely distressed about having to
“look nice” for other people; especially when I was wearing
uncomfortable shoes and shirt collars as I was that evening.
After
finishing getting dressed, I remember my father telling me I looked
“cute”. I remember him rubbing the top and back of my head with
his fingers, slowly caressing the short hair on my head. I remember
becoming afraid and nervous, and I remember beginning to cry. I can't
recall what happened after that; I have no vivid memories of that
night beyond that point.
I
believe that my mind is still blocking me from remembering what
happened next, probably in order to protect me from memories that
would be too upsetting to me. I suspect that my father groped my
genitals again, after touching the back of my head, but I do not have
a distinct enough memory to say that for sure. However, I do not have
a clear memory of what happened next, so the fact that there is a gap
in my memory, causes me to suspect that another incident of abuse
likely took place.
The
memories of this incident at the Union League Club, are not as
distinct as the incidents of groping which took place on our family's
couch, but are more distinct than whatever happened to me (if
anything) at my grandfather's house, and more distinct than what
happened to me in Incident #1.
The
day I returned to school after Incident #17, and after Christmas
break (which was probably on or around Monday, January 6th,
1997), I was asked to write a small blurb about what I did over the
holiday break off from school. I remember, while I was doing this
writing assignment in class, that there was something I was trying to
avoid writing about. I wrote a “just the facts” blurb about going
to the Union League Club, and I left out whatever traumatic thing had
happened to me, because I knew that it was not something I could talk
about with the teacher or the rest of the class.
I
now recognize that what my father did – that is, 1) dress me up in
constricting, uncomfortable clothes that made me look like an adult;
2) call me “cute”; and especially 3) caress the back of my head –
are all signs of “pedophile grooming”. Grooming is a process by
which child molesters do things to children to cause them to become
accustomed to being touched by adults, and complimented for their
looks. Grooming is often accompanied with behaviors that made
children feel uncomfortable, and eventually afraid, to resist
unwanted touching either verbally or physically.
6.
Damages and Evidence Thereof
6a.
Introduction
During
the incidents of sexual abuse which I have described, the defendant,
RICHARD STEVEN KOPSICK, caused me physical harm. I have also
experienced symptoms consistent with those of emotional trauma,
sexual dysfunction, and possibly also Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder,
which I believe stem from the manner in which my father shouted at me
growing up (and, most importantly, from the manner in which he
molested me in Incidents #2 through #13, and groomed and possibly
molested me in Incident #17).
I
may also have depression as a result of experiencing that sexual
abuse; and I may have suffered additional mental anguish from
experiencing emotional abuse, censorship, silencing, isolation, and
intimidation at the hands of my father (which occurred in the years
following the abuse, which is why I say that my father kept me
permanently afraid of angering him in order to prevent memories of
past abuse from resurfacing).
I
suspect that it is possible to produce physical evidence that these
abuses were committed against me; I should have damage to my nerves,
brain, joints, left lower ribs and rib cage, and/or my lungs, from
this abuse. I also suffer from various nervous tics, of which I
suspect that several may have resulted from the abuse (because my
father bit his nails, and I do too; while I pull my hair compulsively
but my father doesn't).
If
physical evidence of the crimes committed against me can be produced
and accepted (aside from this written statement), then I will be
prepared to explain in court, why I believe that these traumas
resulted from my father's semi-suffocating me while molesting me when
I was eight and nine (and perhaps also five-and-a-half) years old.
As
I explained, the earliest possible episode of sexual abuse occurred
when I was five years old. What follows is the set of emotional and
physical traumas I suffered after the earliest abuse I remember.
6b.
Evidence of Childhood Trauma from Age Six to Twelve
There
are plenty of pictures of me happy and smiling as a child (see Image
#5 in Section 14 of this document). Also, my mother has told me that
I rarely cried as a baby (especially compared to my brother).
However, there are also a lot of pictures of me as a child, in which
I am frowning, or in which I have no expression on my face at all
(see Images #6 through #12 in Section 14 of this report).
As
a child, I was quiet, introspective, observant about the world around
me, and interested in fixing or improving things I found to be
incorrect or imperfect. But also, as a result of my father's
treatment, I had to be docile and submissive to avoid making him
angry. As a result, many photographs of me at the ages of four, six,
thirteen, and twenty (for example) show me with a blank look on my
face (including numerous photographs in which I posed for pictures
with other people, when I was a teenager).
I
don't appreciate being instructed to smile; I do not produce a
genuine smile just because somebody tells me to do so. But before I
was old enough to ever feel that way or understand that, I showed a
lack of expression and a lack of happiness in pictures taken of me as
a child. Being told to smile, these days, now even strikes me as a
sort of gaslighting, if you're instructing a person to smile when
they have struggled with depression or abuse. To tell a person to
smile, when they don't want to, is to silently tell them to
make-believe, for the moment, that nothing is wrong.
There
are so many pictures of me – with my siblings and cousins, and with
my parents and their friends' families – in which I am frowning and
everybody else is smiling. I have examples of such photographs in my
possession. Those photographs include images from a birthday party of
mine (probably around my eighth birthday) which show that I am
smiling in very few photos, which is strange for a child who is
celebrating a birthday. That birthday party probably occurred between
Incident #1 and Incident #2.
There
are also two photographs of me from the age of four, one of which I
have in my possession. In one photograph of me, from when I was about
four years old, with my older half-siblings (Jodi and Aaron) and our
cousin Tony, and I am noticeably the only one frowning. There is also
another photograph from around the age of four, in which I was
sitting on a wicker chair, resting my head on my hand, and looking
impatient or frustrated, with my eyes sort of “bugged-out”. That
happened before Incident #1, but even as a small child of age four, I
didn't have much to be happy about, considering the state of terror
my father would keep me in.
I
believe that the reason why I was rarely happy as a child, and had a
blank look on my face a lot of the time, was because I had endured
abuse, and also because my father hated seeing open displays of
emotion. I also attribute it to my father's invasive, confrontational
parenting style, and his lack of restraint in volume when shouting at
me and my brother (while towering over us with his arms folded).
It's
probable that I was simply being shouted at so often (and, later,
simply that I had been sexually and physically abused so many times)
that I had no urge to smile whatsoever. It's also possible that my
father used emotional manipulation and psychological torture
(via deprivation
of healthy forms of affection) to brow-beat out of me, the urge to
feel or express any emotion at all.
I
have experienced symptoms of mental anguish and depression, as well
as mild symptoms of self-harm, as a result of my father's abuses.
I
believe that the bullying which I was experiencing at home, at the
hands of my father, made me more susceptible to bullying at school
(and also made me want to bully smaller children). At its most
severe, other kids' bullying of me, occurred between kindergarten and
fourth grade (that is, from 1992 to 1997, the first few years during
which my father abused me). That bullying tended to focus on the
facts that I still played with toys, that I wore glasses, and that I
was smarter than most of the other kids were.
At
school, I began to misbehave, but as far as I can remember, I did not
have conscious memories of the abuses at that time; those lost
memories did not resurface until 2015.
At
the age of six, in first grade, I was sent to Lake Bluff East
School's speech therapist, because I had been stuttering at home.
Curiously, the problem went away as soon as I entered the speech
therapist's office, so no further action to fix the problem was
necessary on the school's part.
I
suspect that my father's penchant for shouting at me at the top of
his lungs when he was angry, even when I was very little, could have
contributed to my difficulty speaking. I believe that I was not
stuttering (as my parents suspected), but rather that I was
stammering instead. I have never felt comfortable to express myself
in front of my father; this has been a problem in my adulthood as
well as my childhood.
Even
as recently as between February 2015 and February 2018 (when I lived
with my father), I was often unable to utter even three words in a
row without my father interrupting and shouting at me. Interrupting
and shouting at a child, every time they try to talk, is by no means
a recipe for ensuring that a child will speak confidently or
frequently.
At
the age of seven, I wet my pants while doing pull-ups, in front of my
entire class of about twenty-five first-grade classmates.
I
had urinated in my pants, while sitting down with my friends in the
gym, waiting for my turn to see how many pull-ups I could do. I had
neglected to ask the teacher in the previous class period whether I
could use the restroom, so I peed my pants while sitting in the gym,
and failed to do a single pull-up on the pull-up bar, all while my
classmates saw that I had obviously wet my pants, and a lot.
This
was not the first time I had wet my pants in class, but it was the
first time I had wet myself with a significant volume of urine while
still in school, so it gave me the wake-up call I needed to fully
toilet-train myself for school, and finally get used to constantly
asking permission to go to the bathroom in school as often as I
needed to.
I
suspect that both my difficulty controlling my bladder for the first
several years of school, and my fear and embarrassment at having to –
very publicly – ask a teacher for permission to use my own penis
(i.e., to
urinate), may have stemmed from my apprehension about my father's
groping and fixation on my sexual and masturbatory development and
maturation. To put it simply, I was so accustomed to having my penis
controlled by my father at home, that I was too afraid to take
control over my genitals when the time came for doing so (in the
first few years of school).
At
the age of eight – inspired by an episode of The
Simpsons which
contained a joke about Richard Nixon's “enemies list” – I made
a list of enemies, which my parents discovered. I made this list
because I was being bullied. Unfortunately, the fact that
self-defense was my motivation, did not matter to my parents. I
suspect that if I had not been emotionally abused and shouted at –
and, later, molested – by my father, I probably wouldn't have been
bullied by kids at school (nor would I have had any reason to begin
conniving against other children).
I
remember experiencing a nosebleed in class around third grade. The
second graders had come into our classroom to observe what they were
going to learn the following year. I was sitting in class, unaware
that my nose had begun to bleed, and I wiped what I thought was mucus
on to my pants, using my hands. After a few minutes, I noticed that
my nose was bleeding, and I asked to be excused, and had to run out
of the classroom with my face, hands, and pant legs covered in blood.
That
was another example of my hesitation to ask teachers for permission
to leave the room to attend to taking care of my basic bodily
functions and physical needs.
At
the age of twelve, I told an older boy that “I want to kill you
right now” because he had rudely taken a computer that I was
walking towards and about to use. I didn't really mean it, and the
boy had been bullying me in the previous weeks. Nonetheless, the
school ignored the fact that I was reacting against a bully, the
school recommended that I see a psychiatrist because of that, and I
did.
I
suspect that I would not have reacted in such a verbally violent
manner, if I had not been bullied, shouted at, and molested at home.
6c.
Evidence of Childhood Trauma in My Behavior from Age Fourteen to
Present
In
eighth grade, I was deliberately rude to another student in Language
Arts class, just so that the teacher would make me sit in the hall
(so I wouldn't have to participate).
I
was beginning to show signs of being antisocial, but it wasn't
because I disliked other kids, or couldn't get along with them. It
was because I had been bullied in school, had no outlet for free
expression at home, and had little social time with friends while at
school.
Also,
in eighth grade, I had to run a mile in under ten minutes; and failed
the first time, completing the task in twelve minutes. I ran a mile
in just under ten minutes the second time I tried; this difficulty
may be owed to the fact that I was diagnosed with asthma.
However,
I suspect that I would not have had as much difficulty running – or
catching my breath, which is necessary to run effectively – if my
father had not physically abused me. My father abused me while he had
me, more or less, in a headlock, in a position which compressed my
rib cage and lungs. My father also jabbed at my rib cage and armpits
suddenly sharply with his fingers, while my lungs were already
compressed; there is no way that that could have been healthful for
my lungs or helpful for my breathing (let alone my asthma).
My
antisocial behavior and “negative attention” seeking, continued
into high school.
In
high school, I grew frustrated with my telecommunications teacher's
lack of expertise and inability to keep the class's attention, so I
went into a nearby room and barked like a dog for 45 minutes.
Later
in high school, I spent a whole day refraining from speaking, much to
the annoyance of one of my assigned partners in classes (although not
to the detriment of either of our grades).
Since
becoming an adult, I have used cannabis (colloquially known as
marijuana). I made that decision by myself, of sound mind and body
while a legal adult, so I do not wish to blame my father for those
choices of mine.
But
I also believe that I would not have developed a substance abuse
dependency in my early twenties, if my father had not first sexually
abused me (causing me both physical and emotional pain which would
need to be medicated). Nor would I have been as likely to develop a
substance abuse problem, if my father's alcohol dependency had not
been as noticeable or problematic as it has been.
6d.
Abuse and Disciplinary Style Caused Emotional Trauma and Difficulties
Socializing
The
emotional damage which my father has inflicted upon me, began long
before the earliest episodes of sexual abuse which I can remember. My
mother wrote in a diary about my early childhood, that I would soon
be expected to participate in an event at school, and my mother
commented that my father thought I would not participate in it. I
can't remember my father inflicting emotional abuse upon me as a
result of that event, but this is the first time I'm aware of my
father having been afraid that I will not socialize with others.
My
father's style of discipline consisted of standing tall and still,
with his arms folded, looking as large and mean as possible, in order
to strike terror in the hearts of his very small children. His
methods of imposing discipline and inspiring obedience, also included
shouting at myself and my brother at the top of his lungs.
Since
my father is my major male role model in life, his behavior led me to
treat other males, and other people in general, with suspicion and
apprehension, at the possibility that they would do something
aggressive. I believe that my father's parenting behaviors made it
extremely difficult for me to socialize with other children when I
was young, and I believe that this problem continues to this day, as
I have few friends.
I
believe that my father's aggressive, confrontational parenting style
kept me afraid of socializing with others. I also believe that my
father kept me afraid of socializing without his approval and
guidance, and kept me isolated as a child, in order to keep me quiet
about the abuse which he had inflicted upon me.
Later in life, since the abuses have occurred, I have noticed that I
have several other problems, mostly related to communication and
socializing. These include:
1)
difficulty maintaining eye contact (including during job interviews,
and even with my own family members),
2)
trouble interpreting social cues (including in the workplace, making
it difficult to hold down jobs),
3)
difficulty to maintain emotional intimacy in, sexual intimacy in, and
commitment to, romantic relationships, as well as an aversion to
friendly touch;
4)
difficulty trusting others (especially authority figures, until very
recently), and
5)
difficulty traveling, interacting socially, and participating in
games and simulations with others (because I become afraid that I
will get trapped).
Regarding
#5 in particular, I have experienced panic attacks (although they are
minute, internal, controllable, and manageable) which I believe
result from my fear of being trapped. I am not afraid of enclosed
spaces, but rather, I am afraid of the actual action of becoming
trapped. I worry that if I do as I am told too much, I will become
controlled by someone forever.
Sometimes
when I travel by bus, I picture myself and the other passengers as if
we were unsure of our destination, and then that we are in a cattle
car in the Holocaust, heading to somewhere we might be killed. My
mother and my brother should remember that, in late 2018 or early
2019, while at my brother's apartment, I verbalized my fear of people
ending up in concentration camps after becoming accustomed to
surrendering their privacy and possessions. I did so after my mother
explained that she recently had to throw away most of the contents of
her purse in order to get past security to attend a football game.
I
believe that my fear of becoming trapped, stems from my once very
rational fear of becoming physically trapped by the hands and legs of
my father. I suspect that my fear of following orders stems from my
father's controlling nature and manner of discipline.
I
believe that most or all of these problems which I have experienced,
are the direct consequences of my father's loud, confrontational
parenting discipline style, and also from the sexual abuses which he
inflicted upon me. I also suspect that I may be suffering from
P.T.S.D. (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) stemming from the various
abuses which I have suffered at the hands of my father over the
years. [Note: I do not experience panic attacks; on the contrary, I
suspect that I am nearly immune to noticeable panic attacks because
my father shouted at me so much as a child that I sort of got
accustomed to it.]
6e.
Evidence That the Defendant's Sexual Abuse and Control Caused Sexual
Dysfunction
As I stated, I experienced bladder containment problems in school
between Incidents #1 and #2, and did not masturbate with my underwear
off for several years, ending around age 12, and having begun some
time around the incidents of sexual abuse. That's why I suspect that
these experiences are signs of sexual dysfunction, and why I
attribute that sexual dysfunction to the sexual abuse inflicted on me
by my father.
I
have suffered additional signs of sexual dysfunction in my adulthood;
namely, that: 1) it seems more difficult for me, compared to other
males, to achieve penile orgasm while there is lubricant on my penis;
2) it is difficult for me (but not impossible) to achieve penile
orgasm without prostatic stimulation; 3) it is difficult for me to
achieve orgasm without holding my breath (and engaging in “breath
play”); 4) it is difficult for me to achieve orgasm without mild
forms of pain; and 5) it is difficult for me to achieve orgasm
without fantasizing about nonconsent.
That
third sign of sexual dysfunction may be attributable to my father's
having restricted my breathing during the sexual abuse which he
inflected on me. The “mild forms of pain” I mention in describing
the fourth sign of sexual dysfunction, include incorporating
constrictive clothing, testicular trauma, and/or duct tape, into the
masturbatory act.
This
may be more of an example of a sexual fetish than a sign of sexual
dysfunction, but I suspect that the manner in which my father would
forcefully push his thumbs into my underarms (to hold me in place
before and during molestation) resulted in an inordinate level of
focus of attention being placed on my armpits. I believe that this
inordinate and inappropriate attention to my underarms, resulted in
my current maschalagnia (“armpit fetish” in layman's terms). This
may not count as a dysfunction, but the strangeness of the fetish
certainly decreases the likelihood of a romantic relationship
occurring without an embarrassing discussion having to take place.
My
father has suppressed my healthy sexual activity, whether he was
intending to or not; he did this by overreacting to my needs to
masturbate and to have privacy.
This
occurred from the time he caught me masturbating when I was six years
old, while lying on the floor under the table in front of him (in
front of the same gray couch on which Incidents #2 through #13 took
place). My father tried to pressure me into admitting what I was
doing, and I told him that I had peed my pants, because I either
didn't want to admit I was masturbating, or didn't even know that I
was masturbating and thus couldn't verbally admit to what I was
doing.
I
think my father told me to only touch myself in my bedroom after
that, but I can't remember very well. What I do remember is that that
conversation made me ashamed and confused. That is the earliest time
I can remember my father having a problem with me expressing my
sexuality while he was not present.
Until
the age of twelve, I was unaware that most people masturbated while
fully naked. After discovering that people do that, from a classmate,
I masturbated with my hand directly on my genitals for the first
time.
I
realized later that it seemed strange that I had spent the previous
six years masturbating through my clothes, without taking my
underwear off. I now suspect that the reason I did this, was either
that I was afraid of being caught naked, and/or that I was averse to
being touched skin-to-skin on my genitals. If the latter is the case,
then this may stem from the manner in which I was touched either
under or over the skin, or both, during Incidents #2 through #13.
I
suspect that my father's groping of my genitals, made it difficult or
impossible for me to learn about and explore my body in a natural or
normal way, free from having to fear that my nudity or
self-pleasuring would cause an adult to react to my behavior with
attempts at sexual gratification or other inappropriate sexual
advances. This should suffice as evidence that my father's sexual
abuse caused me sexual dysfunction.
Around
the time I began to recover memories of the abuse (late 2014), I
began to cry in bed with an ex-girlfriend named Annie Dean (who now
lives in Wisconsin). I cried because I was thinking about how badly
my father was treating me, and I was probably also subconsciously
thinking about how he had mistreated me in the past.
This
happened around the same time I began to experience painful throbbing
after sex, near my circumcision scar, a fact which upset me because
it made me think about how my father had allowed my circumcision to
happen. The fact of the circumcision, the pain from the scar, and the
memories of past and current mistreatment, all made it very difficult
for me to continue bonding romantically with my then-girlfriend. One
day, I became unable to lay in bed with my girlfriend without my
thoughts about my father's mistreatment intruding into my mind; my
then-girlfriend said something to me (although I can't remember what
it was) to tease me about my bad relationship with my father. She
said this to me while we were still in bed together.
Due
to the pain involved in sex, and my preoccupation with the fact that
I'd been circumcised, I suffered an inferiority complex, difficulty
sustaining an erection, and some dissociative symptoms as well. It
became difficult to masturbate or have sex without pain, and
considering the way my father was treating me at the time, I was
experiencing emotional abuse that contributed to and exacerbated my
sexual dysfunction. It became difficult to have sex without thinking
about the way my father had been mistreating me (this was in late
2014, before I realized that the abuse had occurred). My difficulty
having sex comfortably, led to difficulties performing and finishing,
and that led to the end of my relationship with that ex-girlfriend
(in late December 2014).
Before
breaking up with Annie, I had a conversation with the person for whom
Annie left me. I don't remember what I said, but I said something
about rape, and that person asked me, “Why are you always talking
about rape?” I thought about that for a while, and realized that my
brother would use the word often, at the age of nine years old and
perhaps earlier.
I
remember using our family's camcorder, when I was about 11 and my
brother was about 9, to record my brother doing a New York accent and
improvising a comedic fake exposé about how a local pizza restaurant
owner had “raped everybody”. When my brother was four or five
years old – right after we'd moved into our grandfather's former
house in Lake Bluff (where Incidents #1 through #13 took place) –
my brother would talk to me about coming up with “a plan for
Claire”. This referred to made-up, joke plans to torture a neighbor
girl; plans on which we never followed through. One day, my brother
or I suggested painting the girl's bottom red to make her think she
was bleeding.
I
don't know which one of us said this, but the important thing to take
away from the fact that we were talking like this, was a clear
indicator that our parents had not properly explained sex to us in a
healthy way. Granted, we were probably too young to know anything
about it at that point, but our parents should have been paying
attention to us enough to know that we were talking about such
things. Moreover, if any of my father's molestation occurred before
those events, then his abuse would be the most likely explanation for
why my brother spoke about such things at such young ages.
Another
possible indicator of sexual dysfunction as an adult, is the fact
that I have scarcely dated since late 2014; I have only dated two
women. I had to break up with the last woman I dated because I could
not watch her spank her child without feeling like I was being
traumatized by my father all over again. I did not appreciate that my
girlfriend had brought physical discipline of children into my house.
That was one of the key factors that made it hard for me to want to
be physically intimate with her. That ex-girlfriend, Jessica, left
for Texas with her child in October 2018.
Over
the past few months, I have had to come to terms with the fact that,
because of my father's abuse, I will never be able to experience full
emotional or physical intimacy with a woman, unless the abuse is
disclosed. As they tell us in sex education class, “When you have
sex with someone, you're having sex with everyone they have ever been
with.” I think my future girlfriends, and wife (if I have one)
would appreciate knowing that they're having sex with someone who was
molested by his father as a child. I want my father to understand the
seriousness of the fact that there are some women whom I might date,
who could consider my own father one of my previous sexual partners.
My
father took my innocence. Since my father was the first person who
engaged in sexual contact with me for the purpose of sexual
gratification, he arguably even took my virginity. Granted, my role
in the act was not to try to achieve sexual gratification; I was
there against my will. But that is beside the point; my father
knowingly engaged in an act of sexual contact with me. His intent was
to achieve sexual gratification, and he touched my genitals; that is
why the act was undeniably sexual in nature.
These
were deliberate acts of child molestation, by a 38 (and then 39)
-year-old adult, upon an eight (and then nine) -year-old child, and I
have experienced signs of sexual dysfunction (and difficulty finding,
and committing to, mates) because of my father's abuse. My father
must apologize for the fact that, because of his own action, he
cannot get grandchildren from me until I find a wife who doesn't mind
marrying a man who was molested as a child, and he must apologize for
creating this state of affairs.
[Note:
I must also add this: I consider it disturbing that my father asked
me to invite him to speak to my former girlfriend in French when she
was thirteen years old. While this incident, and several other
comments my father has made about girls in the neighborhood, have not
caused me sexual dysfunction, they have nevertheless caused me to
worry that I might become like my father. My father needs to
apologize for those comments, and he needs to understand how serious
the chance was, that I would experience sexual dysfunction, as a
result of his molestation and his creepy behavior towards girls and
towards boys (namely myself and possibly my brother).]
The
fact that my father had a responsibility to teach me healthy lessons
about sex when I was a child, yet failed miserably by willingly
inflicting sexual abuse upon me, should be construed to constitute an
additional factor which aggravates the seriousness of the offenses
(aside from fraud, intimidation, and manipulation).
I
cannot overstate the potential danger of molesting a child, and then
rewarding them for being quiet about it, as it pertains to the
potential effect on other children. By teaching me to endure sexual
abuse, my father risked accidentally teaching me to sexually assault
other more vulnerable children (and potentially even intimidate and
manipulate them into keeping quiet about it). I could have molested
other children when I was still a child, or perhaps even my own
children as an adult. But thankfully, I never tried to do that, nor
have I ever felt any impulse to do so. Keeping children safe from
sexual abuse and kidnapping is probably the single most important
thing in the world to me.
Parents
who physically abuse and molest their children, risk raising those
children as bullies and child molesters; the seriousness of this
should not be underestimated. If you consider the facts that most
adults with emotional problems suffer from childhood abuse, and that
all adult behavior is a potential example which children might
emulate, then you will realize that child abuse is the most important
problem that exists; maybe even the only problem in a way. That's
because whatever evil we do, we condition our children to accept and
enable and excuse, even if they do not do that same evil themselves.
My
father's lack of attention in me and my brother getting appropriate
lessons about sex, and the difference between “good touch” and
“bad touch”, resulted in me experiencing sexual dysfunction. So
did the manner in which my father made inappropriate comments about
girls in the neighborhood whom were much younger than he was at the
time, as did the manner in which he touched my genitals against my
will when he was pretending to “tickle” me at the ages of eight
and nine.
My
father should have realized that molesting me could have resulted in
other negative secondary effects, such as those which I have
described. That is why my father's dereliction of his responsibility
to teach me about sex properly – that is, without molesting me –
should be considered another factor which potentially aggravates the
nature of the crime (even though the law does not yet officially
recognize this “dereliction of duty to teach healthy lessons about
sex” as an aggravating factor).
The
sexual dysfunction which my father caused me, coupled with the
emotional abuse which he has inflicted on me, have left me with a
near total lack of interest in sex with people, and in dating, going
out to meet women, and having a girlfriend. My family has always
wondered why I didn't want to have a family when I was a teenager and
in my early twenties; I now understand that my disdain for affection
probably contributed to those feelings.
Being
forced to accept genital touching by my father, has made it
increasingly difficult for me to enjoy being touched by a romantic
lover, without my mind being bothered by past memories of abuse.
6f.
Evidence That the Abuse Caused Thoughts of Self-Harm and Suicide
I
have experienced various forms of mild self-harm, self-abuse, and
self-mutilation (some socially acceptable and some not), as well as
thoughts about suicide and sharp objects cutting at me. I have also
had serious thoughts about killing myself, as well as worries that
people want me to.
At
the age of eight, I developed a fingernail-biting habit, after seeing
a classmate's cuticles and noticing that she had been biting them.
Soon
after I developed this nail biting habit, my father began to trim my
fingernails and toenails for me, in order to attempt to stop the
problem from getting worse. Unfortunately, his plan backfired. When
he cleaned under my fingernails, he scraped the nail bed and caused
me pain, which he of course ignored when I tried to point it out.
Fingernail cleaning was another routine activity which, like tickling
or getting dressed, my father had managed to make into an
excruciating form of torment.
After
several weeks of being forced to submit to my father's fingernail
cleaning and trimming, I began to bite my toenails, because I
couldn't bite my fingernails anymore without my father finding out.
When he discovered that I had been biting my toenails, he stopped
trimming all of my nails altogether, probably out of disgust. Several
years later, when the condition of my toenails had gotten especially
bad, my older half-sister Jodi saw my toes while we were sitting in
my mother's car with her, and Jodi said to me, “Doesn't that, like,
hurt, and, like, bleed?”. I replied, “Like, yes?”
My
nail biting problems continued after that – in fact, so badly that
a few times I wore several bandages on my fingers at once – but at
least I had control over when and how my own nails would be trimmed
and cleaned. Still, I believe that my father's attempt at
intervention, made the problem worse, because he did not succeed in
reducing the discomfort I was feeling in my fingers, and also because
I knew that my father had a fingernail biting problem of his own,
which I could easily see.
[Note:
An example of parental discipline backfiring, regarding fingernail
biting and cuticles, which is extremely similar to my own experiences
with my father, is portrayed in the film Black
Swan.
That film includes a scene in which the main character, played by
Natalie Portman, slowly and painfully rips a piece of her cuticle
off. In the film, the main character's mother is hyperattentive to
the state of the main character's fingernails, which is what drives
her to take over that obsession from her mother.]
At
the age of nineteen, I began to wear my hair in dreadlocks. Making
dreadlocks requires a lot of intentionally tangling, and also pulling
at, one's own hair. When wearing my hear in dreadlocks, and when
wearing my hair normally, I have developed a hair-pulling problem. I
suspect that my past stresses, and possible Post-Traumatic Stress
Disorder, which could have resulted from the way I was raised, could
have contributed to my impulse to pull on my hair until my scalp
hurts.
Fingernail-biting
and hair-pulling aren't the only forms of mild self-harm which I've
developed; I have also developed more serious impulses to harm
myself, which I have, for the most part, not acted upon.
At
home, I remember banging my head against my bedroom wall after
reading and studying for a test too long, around the age of twelve. I
did this in part because of the discipline and stress, and also the
“helicopter parenting”, which my father was inflicting upon me in
order to get me to study enough (and later, during high school final
exams sessions, to plan that studying adequately).
Some
time when I was between the ages of thirteen and nineteen, my older
half-sister Jodi started noticing that my mindset was getting
negative, or that I was acting out, or having more disagreements with
the other members of my immediate family. Perhaps even all of the
above. Whatever the reason, my sister asked me via internet message
something like “Do you enjoy your life?” or “Do you value your
life?”. I can't remember exactly what she asked me, but I remember
telling her that it wasn't a problem that I wasn't well-adjusted, and
that part of me was looking forward to death because I wasn't afraid
of it. I realized later that this resembles a suicidal thought, or at
the very least, a thought which is neutral towards suicide. Either
way, it's not a healthy way of looking at things. This was the
first time I can remember having had something resembling a suicidal
thought, or a mindset approving of, or considering, suicide.
In
my twenties and thirties, I have experienced fleeting thoughts about
cutting my wrists, thoughts about razors cutting into my flesh, and
thoughts about thumbtacks going under my fingernails. These thoughts
have never been insistent enough to get me to cut myself, but they
are still bothersome and invasive thoughts, which take conscious
effort to chase away and avoid thinking about.
However,
on New Year's Eve of 2014 – several days before the recovering the
first memories of abuse – I attempted (but failed) to pierce my own
navel without anesthetic and without professional supervision. I
later realized that this was an attempt at self-harm.
I
experienced bouts of depression while living in Portland, Oregon in
2013 and 2014. These depressive episodes included suicidal ideation
and thoughts of self-harm. During the winter of 2014-2015, during
which I first recovered memories of the abuse, I believed that I was
experiencing symptoms of Seasonal Affective Disorder (S.A.D.), which
I believe aggravated and worsened those feelings of depression which
I was already having.
I
communicated some of these suicidal thoughts through some Facebook
posts (although I can't clearly remember what those thoughts or
comments were), and the fact that I had made those posts, got around
to my brother and mother. My brother (who had worked as a suicide
hotline operator) told me that suicide was “selfish”. I
considered his “advice” incorrect, unhelpful, and also extremely
insensitive to people like myself, who feel that they have nothing to
live for.
Destroying
your self is not selfish; it is the least selfish, most anti-self
thing a person can possibly do. Fortunately, getting angry about the
idea that suicidal people should be told they're selfish, snapped me
out of my suicidal ideation for the time being.
I
realized later that constantly enduring my father's intimidation and
emotional abuse, and beginning to recover subconscious thoughts about
unwanted sexual touching possibly involving my father, had likely
caused these thoughts of self-harm and suicide.
Once
returning home from Portland, Oregon to my father's house in Lake
Bluff, Illinois (in late February 2015), I had frequent thoughts
about killing myself, and I even believed that many people around me,
wanted me to kill myself, or were encouraging me to do so.
At
one point, several weeks or months after coming home, my father said
to me, “Everybody is waiting for you to do what you said you were
going to do.” I responded, “What's that? Kill myself?” But he
was talking about cutting my hair and getting a job. I suspected the
worst out of what he meant, because he wasn't treating me well at the
time, and I thought he wanted me to kill myself.
I
owe these thoughts to several causes, including suffering from
difficulty distinguishing reality from fiction; and, in particular,
trying to come to terms with the fact that I had been recovering
memories of my father sexually abusing me. I probably could not have
even handled having a job, emotionally, at that time.
Aside
from those thoughts about suicide and self-harm, and the instance of
head-banging, I have engaged in various other forms of self-harm
(some of them socially acceptable).
Around
the age of 21, I received an ear piercing from a friend, but he took
a long time finishing it, causing me a lot of pain in the process,
and the piercing became infected for several weeks (which I treated
with hydrogen peroxide). I also have two tattoos, and the same friend
who did my ear piercing (which I've since taken out) slapped the
large tattoo on my left arm right after I got it. I realized years
later that tattoos and piercings are socially acceptable forms of
self-harm and mutilation.
I
have realized over the past five years that I am nearly constantly
fidgeting, and I “can't not be doing something” with my hands. If
I'm not twirling, nor pulling on, my hair, I'm crackling my knuckles
(or my other joints), or biting my fingernails, or scraping under
them with my other fingernails.
I
suspect that the pain which I cause to my scalp, with that
hair-pulling, is a form of self-harm. I suspect that I subconsciously
inflict these mild forms of pain upon myself, in order to sort of
“empower myself”, to declare that “If someone is going to hurt
me, then it might as well be me” (as opposed to my father).
I
suspect that I would not have these intrusive thoughts, and these
self-destructive behaviors, if I had not been molested as a child, as
well as shouted at and put in a constant state of fear, shame, guilt,
and self-defensiveness.
6g.
Physical Evidence of Sexual Abuse, and Evidence That the Abuse Caused
Injuries
I
have provided as detailed and accurate an account as possible,
regarding why I did not come forward sooner, as well as accounts
about how I recovered lost repressed memories of sexual abuse, so
that I may do as much as I can, as early and as soon as I can, to
embark upon the task of beginning to substantiate any potential links
between abuse and injuries which may yet be discovered.
Aside
from the physical evidence which may exist in the form of possible
injuries to my left lower rib cage and/or my lungs, and the physical
pain which accompanied the abuse, my father has inflicted additional
injuries upon me. These include sexual dysfunction, decades of
emotional abuse and trauma, damage to my reputation, and (most
likely) Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (P.T.S.D.).
As
provided in the Illinois Criminal Code - in ILCS §
5/13-202.2, subsection (b), “...an action for damages for
personal injury based on childhood sexual abuse must be commenced
within 10 years of the date [a person turns 18] or within 5 years of
the date the person abused discovers or through the use of reasonable
diligence should discover both (I) that the act of childhood sexual
abuse occurred and (ii) that the injury was caused by the childhood
sexual abuse.”
I
am submitting this report well within five years of having discovered
that my father's childhood sexual abuse resulted in emotional trauma,
damage to my reputation, possible physical damage to my ribs and/or
lungs, and sexual dysfunction. I have only realized that these
injuries existed, and that they were the result of my father's abuse,
within the last several months (i.e., during
the second half of 2019).
There
might be physical damage to my body which could be attributed to my
father's rough handling of me during Incidents #2 through #13; most
likely to my lungs, rib cage, middle spine, and/or my arm and leg
joints. If there is, then Incident #13 (the time I remember having
difficulty breathing after the abuse) is the most likely incident of
abuse which resulted in those rib cage and lung damages, while all of
Incidents #2 through #13 could have contributed to possible trauma
resulting from the stretching of the joints of my arms and legs when
I was being restrained.
I
have some spinal issues, those issues have perhaps not yet been fully
diagnosed, and I have only seen one chiropractic specialist about
those issues. I have been examined by doctors at ChiroOne (ChiroOne
Wellness Center Gurnee, at 3905 Fountain Square Plaza in Waukegan).
Most of the skeletal and spinal issues which I have, are likely
attributable to issues pertaining to my hips, the fact that I was
born with my right foot twisted slightly to the right, and neck
damage likely resulting from a car accident I was in with my family
in December of 1989 or 1990.
However,
I have also noticed earlier this year (2019) that I may have problems
with slipped ribs, perhaps my floating ribs, on the left underside of
my rib cage. I strongly suspect that it could have been caused by the
compression of my rib cage which my father inflicted upon me during
the abuse, and I strongly suspect that whatever is wrong with the
left side of my rib cage began during Incident #13 (the last incident
wherein my father abused me on the couch in our basement).
I
have not yet sought a second opinion about my skeletal issues, but I
would be interested in getting more opinions about what might be
wrong with the left underside of my ribs. Since I had asthma and
breathing problems as a child, and since I had difficulty running a
ten-minute-mile at school when I was about 12 years old, I would also
be interested in knowing whether there is anything wrong with my left
lung.
During
the sexual abuse I suffered, I experienced violent shaking, in
addition to the compression of my arms, legs, and rib cage. While my
father was tickling me, he would bounce me up and down, so I would be
shaking from the bouncing, and from being tickled, and also moving
around quite a bit from trying to get away from my father's invasive
“tickling”.
It's
possible that I might have experienced some form or another of nerve
damage, or nervous system damage (perhaps even Post-Traumatic Stress
Disorder), due to the manner in which my father touched me during
these incidents of abuse. That's because the way he touched me
involved not only tickling and unwanted genital touching, but also
harsh restraint and shaking of my body. My worries about becoming
trapped, likely also resulted from the way he restrained me.
The legal principle “corpus
delicti” literally
means “the body of the crime”, and refers to the principle that a
person cannot be convicted of committing a crime, unless a crime has
been proved to have occurred. And for a crime to be proved to have
occurred, there must be some item or piece of property which is
missing, stolen, or damaged; or there must be a person who can prove
that they suffered some real wrong, in a way which produces some real
victim who can claim they suffered this wrong. That is, there must be
a real victim, and real physical evidence.
Even
if it cannot be proved that there is damage to my rib cage, lungs,
and/or joints – and even if it cannot be proved that my father is
responsible for this damage – I have still suffered emotional,
psychological, and sexual functional damage, due to my father's
abuse.
Nevertheless,
if there is no physical evidence of the abuse in terms of medical
damages to my body, the abuse still happened. To fail to prosecute
adults for molesting or physically abusing their children, on the
grounds that there is no physical evidence, is to instruct adults
that they can get away with beating and molesting children all they
want, as long as they don't leave marks (or other forms of physical
evidence). And indeed, that is the official position of the Illinois
Department of Children and Family Services regarding the physical
abuse of one's own biological children; that it is acceptable to
physically discipline one's child as long as one does not leave
marks. To fail to convict an accused child molester because of a
supposed “lack of physical evidence”, while the physical body of
the victim is speaking to corroborate a physical written statement,
is not only absurd, it is to tell the accused child molester that if
he wants to molest children, he had damn well better make sure that
he gets away with it.
Even
if medical damages cannot be proven, the fact that I am making this
statement, and the fact that I am willing to testify in court to
corroborate and attempt to prove that these acts of sexual abuse
happened, should suffice as physical evidence. I am physical
evidence, my body is physical evidence, and this written statement
about the sexual abuse I suffered at the hands of my father is
physical evidence. These abuses occurred, and although the house in
which they occurred has been demolished and replaced with a new
house, my willingness to make verbal statements using my body, and
physically produce this statement, should constitute all the physical
evidence which is necessary.
Moreover,
the psychological, emotional, and sexual functional damages which I
suffered, also constitute physical evidence of Criminal Sexual Abuse
having been committed. That's because emotional and psychological
damage is not just a matter of “feeling”; emotional and
psychological damage could not occur unless the human nervous system
were a real thing. Thus, our ability to feel emotional and
psychological pain, and to experience emotional and psychological
abuse at the hands of other people, are very real.
The
fact that I still hesitate to engage in physical touch, whether for
socialization or sexual purposes, should be considered evidence that
my emotional and psychological suffering has manifested physically. I
also feel the urge to hit at, or push away, or swat at, someone, when
I think about the manner in which my father restrained my arms during
Incidents #2 through #13 (although I only feel these urges when I
willfully think about the abuse; I don't feel impulses to hit
others).
Those
effects on me, in terms of physical touch and my reactions and
behavior towards it, are the physical evidence that unwanted touching
was committed against me. I feel a physical reaction when my father
urges me to hug him; there is absolutely a connection between his
unwanted touching and close monitoring of my socializing and
communication, and my disdain for being touched and socializing.
I
should note that my mother and brother might be willing to testify
about circumstances surrounding the abuses which they witnessed
(which will confirm the fact that my father had ample opportunity to
commit the abuse). The testimony of my mother and brother, and their
potential presence in the courtroom – as well as records which the
Union League Club Hotel of Chicago might have maintained since 1995
or 1996 – could also serve to corroborate my claims.
The
fact that I am here today, reporting emotional, psychological, sexual
functional, and possible physical, traumas and damages, should be
considered possible physical evidence, whether or not there is
additional physical evidence which will corroborate my assertions.
When
I came home from Portland in early 2015, my mother told me that my
father said to her that I seemed “broken”. My psyche and my mind
were fragile – both as a child, and before remembering the abuse
again as an adult – and then, my psyche and mind were broken and
became damaged. So much so, that my father noticed. My father knows
that he is the one who broke me. I believe that the cognitive
dissonance which I experienced, at having to reconcile remembering my
father's abuse and the idea that my father should be my hero,
contributed to this fracturing of my psyche.
Even
if my body cannot be proved to have been damaged by my father, I
myself am damaged. According to the legal principle corpus
delicti (“the
body of the crime”), something must be “missing”, “broken”,
“stolen”, or “damaged”, in order for a crime to be said to
have occurred. My father stole and took my innocence, and arguably my
virginity (because he was the first person with whom I had sexual
contact), and my innocence and virginity are missing because of my
father's actions. Parts of me, too, are missing; the parts of me that
trusted my father, and which allowed me to trust and touch other
people easily. My innocence, my virginity, and my ability to trust
others, are missing, and my psyche is fractured and broken. My psyche
may not be a physical thing which my father could repair, but my
psyche held me together, and my father broke it.
The
fact that this report physically exists – and the fact that, after
completing and submitting this report, I will have physically
traveled to the Lake Bluff Police Department, to become a sort of
speaking piece of human physical evidence attesting to the abuse –
should be construed to constitute physical evidence. I would have no
reason to go to a police department otherwise. Police stations aren't
exactly my favorite place to spend my free time. My physical presence
in a police station cannot be explained, save for the fact that I
have been made the victim of a serious crime. That is why my presence
at the Lake Bluff Police Department, and my statement, should be
construed to constitute physical evidence that a crime has been
committed, and taken into (testimonial) evidence as such.
My
written and verbal testimony, and my willingness to come forward and
speak and testify in open court that these abuses occurred, should
demonstrate that I am an aggrieved person who suffered some real
damage or takings. My innocence was taken, and the fact that real
memories of abuse are in my brain, is all the “physical evidence”
that should be necessary, to prove that fact. I not only remember
these memories; I distinctly remember what it felt like to be held
down, and to have my legs held down and my arms held back by my
father, while I swatted his hands away from my groin.
If
this written and verbal testimony will be insufficient to establish a
causal link between the sexual abuse and the fact that I have been
injured by it, then conversations or exercises with psychiatric
counselors, and/or medical examinations, should reveal that
additional psychological damages, and maybe also physical injuries
(to my left floating ribs, and/or my lungs and my lung capacity),
were visited upon me during the incidents of sexual abuse which I
described.
To
return to the subject of psychological damages caused by the
abuse: There
are many examples of behaviors I exhibit, and thoughts I experience,
which are more than likely physical and psychological results of the
sexual and psychological abuse which my father inflicted upon me as a
child.
Examples
of physical and behavioral evidence of psychological abuse include
nervous tics, bad habits, and socially acceptable forms of self-harm.
Examples of psychological evidence of sexual and psychological abuse
include stress and anxiety, confusion, and manageable panic attacks.
As
I explained, I have several nervous tics and bad habits, which likely
resulted from the stress and anxiety my father's sexual and emotional
abuse caused me. These bad habits include pulling and twisting my
hair, and biting my fingernails and toenails. I have also gotten
several piercings and tattoos, which I now realize are socially
acceptable forms of self-harm. I doubt that I would have wanted to
inflict pain on myself in these manners, if my father's infliction of
pain upon my body, had not given me a sense of lack of control over
my body (whether for pain or for pleasure).
I have
also experienced thoughts and impulses to cut my wrists, as well as
other intrusive thoughts about bodily harm occurring to myself. It
would probably be safe to say that I have felt somewhat suicidal
since I was a teenager, with the most intrusive and relentless
thoughts about suicide having occurred in 2014 and 2015.
Additionally, I have exhibited self-destructive tendencies as an
adult, such as the periods of time I spent nearly homeless, taking
little care for my teeth, my need for consistent employment and
housing, and other needs which matter to stably employed people.
I
have also experienced extreme amounts of stress and anxiety, as well
as confusion, over a prolonged period of time, due to my father's
shouting, gaslighting, and various other intimidating and
psychologically manipulative behaviors. I have also suffered a near
psychic break, due to experiencing cognitive dissonance, at trying to
reconcile my father's reputation and image with the fact that I had
recovered memories of him molesting me as a child.
I
also experienced intense fears of becoming trapped as an adult, which
I believe stems from the manner in which my father trapped me with
his legs and then restrained me before touching my genitals against
my will (while groping and tickling me frantically).
I
cannot say that my father's sexual abuse caused me any nightmares,
nor intense visual flashbacks, nor intense unmanageable panic
attacks. I neither cry nor shake when I remember the incidents of
abuse. Still, these incidents have caused me self-destructive and
suicidal thoughts and behaviors, stress and anxiety, and confusion
and cognitive dissonance; as well as an unrelenting feeling of
dependence upon, and inferiority to, my father.
I
understand that, for as long as I continue to stay silent about my
father's abuse, I will be socially, emotionally, and financially
crippled, impotent, and powerless. My father wants me to depend on
him for power, money, social status and influence, and emotional
support, but that is impossible considering what an abusive,
manipulative, controlling person he is. I have a right to put my
mental health first in my life, and I cannot make progress getting
the psychological therapy that I need, unless and until I and my
father are both honest about what my father did to me.
6h.
Evidence That the Abuse Caused Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder
(P.T.S.D.)
There are many reasons why I suspect that I have
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (P.T.S.D.), and why I suspect that it
resulted from my father's sexual, physical, and emotional abuse.
I
exhibit several examples of all four of the classic warning signs
used to diagnose P.T.S.D.; intrusion symptoms, avoidance symptoms,
negative alteration symptoms, and arousal and reactivity symptoms.
Intrusion
symptoms include distressing memories, dreams, reactions, and
flashbacks. They also include intense distress at exposure to cues,
and physiological reactions to cues.
I
have experienced distressing memories of sexual abuse. I have had
distressing dreams, most notably as a small child. I cannot remember
having any nightmares pertaining to sexual abuse, except for a
nightmare I had in Portland in late 2014 or early 2015, after
watching the film The Trial.
But my memory is plagued by several traumatic events, and/or
nightmares, from my very early childhood (before Incident #1, the
earliest memory of sexual abuse likely having occurred). I have
difficulty distinguishing some of my earliest nightmares from
reality.
I
do experience dissociative reactions; I know this because when
someone is explaining a way to do something which is complicated,
involves a lot of steps, or involves giving up a considerable amount
of privacy and/or control, I start thinking about becoming trapped
and being shipped on a train to a concentration camp. I believe that
I experience these intrusive thoughts because my father trapped me
with his legs in order to hold me down so he could grope my genitals.
I
don't know whether I experience intense distress at exposure to cues,
or physiological reactions to cues. Exposing myself to cues brings me
a small amount of distress. I would probably experience distress if
someone willingly exposed me to a cue that reminds me of the abuse. I
certainly have not reacted positively when my mother, and the
stranger I met in Portland, have tried to tell me that my father
didn't abuse me. I suspect that I do exhibit some sort of
physiological reactions to cues, because if I touch my scrotum gently
with one or two fingers over my clothes, it brings up a low-level
(although nonetheless detectable) fear response within me. Granted,
my father's handling of my genitals was rough, invasive, and intense,
rather than gently. But I believe that I feel this fear response,
because this is the same kind of touching which my father inflicted
upon the same part of my body against my will; although the touching
has different intensity, the part of the body is the same.
Avoidance
symptoms include avoidance of distressing memories about the event,
and avoidance of external reminders about the event. I have probably
experienced both, but I have certainly experienced the latter.
I
have avoided distressing memories about the sexual abuse in the past,
but I am no longer avoiding those memories, now that I have to
remember it, write it down, and disclose and report it. I have chosen
to confront those memories rather than avoid them. On the other hand,
I have chosen to avoid some external reminders about the sexual
abuse.
I
avoid my father as much as I can, since he is the major reminder of
the abuse. Additionally, I broke up with a woman in October 2018
after failing to talk her into finding another way to discipline her
child besides hitting him. The way she slapped him on his stomach (as
an alternative to spanking), told him to lift his arms so she could
get a clear shot at him, and tickled him until he started to object,
made me remember the abuse I had endured (which featured my father
rendering me similarly incapable of resisting, except he did it
physically, not by talking me into surrendering). I tried explaining
to my then-girlfriend how to recognize signs that a child wants to
stop being tickled. It really upset me to hear her son begin to raise
his voice while being tickled. So I have certainly sought to avoid my
father and a former girlfriend, because being around them reminded me
about the sexual abuse which I had endured as a child.
Negative
alteration symptoms include inability to remember the event,
persistent negative beliefs, persistent distorted cognitions,
persistent negative emotional state, marked diminished interest in
activities, feelings of detachment, and persistent inability to
experience positive emotions. I have experienced all of those.
I
have had some difficulty remembering the incidents of sexual abuse; I
have explained how I struggled to recover memories and distinguish
false thoughts from true memories. I believe that the difficulty
which I've experienced trying to remember the incidents of sexual
abuse, result from the deprivation of oxygen, and state of near
suffocation, which my father subjected me to, in order to stop me
from breaking free of his grasp so he could continue to grope my
genitals.
I
have suffered from persistent negative beliefs, such as the belief
that I'm worthless, lazy, and unappreciative or ungrateful; these are
the negative beliefs about myself which my father has drilled into me
through his guilt, shaming, pressuring, and control.
I
have also suffered from persistent distorted cognitions; the worst of
this was in early 2015, when I was suffering from cognitive
dissonance, at trying to reconcile the fact that I'd just begun
recovering suppressed memories of my father's abuse, with the fact
that I had to start living with him then.
I
have already mentioned the thoughts of self-harm and suicide which I
have experienced. I have certainly had a negative emotional state
since beginning to remember the abuse in 2014 and 2015, and
especially the last few months while completing this report. But I
was also frequently troubled as a child as well (by bullying, at the
hands of other students, and also my father). It's probably safe to
say that I have had a persistent negative emotional state for nearly
my whole life.
I
have noticed, during states of depression that I have experienced
diminished interest in activities in which I normally found
fulfillment previously. These activities include listening to certain
types of music, playing music, and singing. They also include going
out for social purposes, and dating and trying to find a girlfriend.
I have no interest in trying to find ways to “have fun” like
these, because I have a diminished ability to experience fun, due to
the intrusive thoughts about sexual abuse and becoming trapped,
stemming from my father's abuse, which plague me from time to time.
I
have experienced feelings of detachment as well. Aside from having
little interest in dating, I have kept very few friends since I was a
child, as I do now. I avoid Chicago as much as possible because I
don't like being around large numbers of people; it makes me feel
unsafe. I have experienced feelings of social detachment since I was
very young. I remember inviting some of the “popular kids” to a
party when I was around 6, 7, or 8 years old. I had difficulty
keeping them entertained; I didn't really know many of them well, I
just thought that making friends with the popular kids would make me
feel less lonely. I neglected to invite my actual friends, because
they were unpopular, and I thought I could make more friends by
associating with my real friends less. This plan didn't work;
somewhere between one and five years later, one of those kids invited
me to a pool party for his birthday, and someone stole my underwear
from a gym locker while I was swimming. Whoever did it, must have
told someone, because nearly the whole party made fun of me out loud
after one of the kids revealed that I'd lost my underwear (without
explaining that someone had stolen them). That last story, in
addition to the story about peeing my pants while doing pull-ups in
front of my first grade class, are the worst examples of my
difficulties socializing and being accepted.
Finally,
I have experienced persistent inability to experience positive
emotions. I have already explained how I don't like to “have fun”
(like by drinking, going to bars, and dating). But also, I have
probably been in a persistent state of depression for the last five
years, and I have probably shown symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress
Disorder for the last 23 to 26 years. I am rarely happy, except when
listening to comedy or my favorite music, or when chatting with
friends. It is very rare that I am happy or having fun for a
sustained amount of time. Me trying to dance in public would be
pointless, since most radio stations don't play what I like, and I
can't even stay happy long enough to last for the duration of the
average song. I suffered from an extreme difficulty laughing in early
2015; I actually had to figure out what could make me laugh, in order
to snap myself out of the severe level of depression I was in. Most
of the time, my emotional state is either placated, guarded, or
angry; rarely happy.
Arousal
and reactivity symptoms include irritable behavior and angry
outbursts, self-destructive behavior, hypervigilance, an exaggerated
startle response, problems with concentration, and sleep
disturbances. I have experienced at least four of these six symptoms,
if not all of them.
I
have experienced irritable behavior and angry outbursts, but the
angry outbursts have been almost exclusively the result of my
father's shouting and provocations. I have noticed that I am
irritable around people besides my father, however, including my
friends and family. I think that this is mostly due to a sense of
misplaced anger, and my inability to level with my father, and call
him out on his behavior, and have him admit what he did. I lash out
at others because I'm not free to criticize my father. I suspect that
I would lash out less against people such as my mother and her cousin
Lisa Cervac, if they did not tell me things like “Put your
disagreements with your father in the past” and “He's not a
horrible person”. My mother was telling me “He's not a horrible
person” until the day before I filed this report.
I
have experienced multiple forms of self-destructive behavior. These
include pulling and twisting my hair (causing pain to my scalp),
biting my fingernails and toenails excessively, and several forms of
socially acceptable self-harm (including piercings and tattoos). I
have also had thoughts of self-harm and suicide, but I have not
attempted suicide, nor any form of self-harm except a botched
piercing. I have also led an arguably self-destructive lifestyle by
“running away from home as an adult”, by which I mean being
half-homeless, on and off, during my twenties. I left the Midwest to
chase after women, and easier places to get a job and make money, but
also to get away from my father and his control and manipulative
gifts that kept me dependent upon him. While traveling and homeless,
I spent long periods of time not brushing my teeth, not going to see
doctors, having few possessions, and caring little (if at all) for my
personal safety and whether I hang onto my possessions. There were
times when I spent only a dollar a day on rent (to sleep on a
friend's apartment floor) and whatever amount I could spend on an
E.B.T. / S.N.A.P. card (Supplemental Nutrition Assistance
Program; i.e., Food
Stamps). Needless to say, I went without adequate housing frequently
while homeless. I did most of this out of what I viewed as necessity;
to me, it was well worth the cost of giving up housing and security,
as long as I could be a little farther away from my father, and gain
a little independence (and experience taking care of myself while
having very little money and few possessions) in the process.
I
have noticed some possible signs of hypervigilance. First off, I
currently work as a private security guard, so whether I have
hypervigilance is difficult to judge. I write down nearly every
creative idea I have, which could be a form of hypervigilance. It
could also be a sign of hypervigilance, that (as in my fear of
becoming trapped) I come up with worst-case-possible nightmare
scenarios when I become weary of or suspicious about someone's
intentions.
I
may or may not have an exaggerated startle response. Sometimes I feel
like I'm immune from being startled or traumatized, because of how
often my father would shout at me, tower over me, and hold me down
and touch me against my will. But I know that I'm not immune to being
startled, because recently my phone alarm went off and I jumped up in
my seat. The alarm was loud, but probably not so loud as to excite
such a response in the average person.
I
have experienced problems with concentration. I explained how I
banged my head against my bedroom wall once, while studying, around
the age of 12; I had difficulty concentrating then. I feel confident
that I did that in order to issue a “call for help”, because I
knew that my father would hear the banging, and I hoped that him
noticing that I couldn't study anymore without getting more stressed
out. I have also experienced difficulty concentrating as an adult; in
late 2019 I was trying to record a guitar track on my computer, and I
kept making mistakes because I was distracted by thoughts of my
mother's cousin, Lisa Cervac (who doesn't know my father molested
me), having told me that I should put aside whatever disagreements I
had with my father in the past.
I
don't know whether I've suffered sleep disturbances, either at all,
or as a result of the abuse. For one, I am a security guard and I
work overnight, so I am constantly subject to sleep interruptions
(whether from schedule changes, or from not getting enough sunlight
while I'm awake, or from getting too much sunlight in my room while
I'm trying to sleep). It's certainly likely that I have suffered
sleep disturbances since my childhood, considering that I experienced
“nightmares” as a young child which I cannot distinguish from
actual memories. Additionally, around the age of 13, I would sneak
out of bed in the middle of the night to watch television; that was
when my difficulty maintaining a normal sleep schedule began. I
cannot say, however, that I suspect any of the sleep disturbances
which I suffer, of having been caused by my father's abuse.
Additional
criteria for diagnosing Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder include that
the duration of the symptoms is longer than one month, that the
disturbance causes clinically significant distress, and that the
disturbance is not attributable to substance use nor to another
condition. As I have explained, I have exhibited symptoms of P.T.S.D.
beginning at a very young age, so the symptoms have certainly lasted
longer than one month; they have lasted years and years, maybe even
longer than two decades. I do not know whether the distress which I
have experienced would be considered “clinically significant”;
they probably would. I would have to meet with a clinician in order
to find out. I am certain that my stress is not attributable to
substance use, nor to another condition; mild cannabis use does not
cause serious addiction, nor severe stress, nor am I (to my
knowledge) suffering from any mental illness nor physical affliction
which cannot be explained by either my natural illnesses (i.e., cat
allergies and mild asthma) or by my father's sexual, physical,
or emotional abuse.
Post-Traumatic
Stress Disorder may occasionally be accompanied by dissociative
symptoms or delayed expression. As I explained, I have experienced
social detachment, and I experience dissociation when I become
overwhelmed by stress at hearing discussion of controlling situations
which remind me of the abuse. I'm not sure whether these constitute
dissociative symptoms, however. Since I have not yet been diagnosed
with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, I probably have “delayed
expression” (or “delayed onset”) of the disorder. But on the
other hand, since I have not yet seen a clinician, it's possible that
“delayed onset” still doesn't apply to me, because I haven't yet
been diagnosed with P.T.S.D..
According
to what I have read about the “Adaptive Information Processing
(A.I.P.) Model” of P.T.S.D., if the traumatic event (in my case,
the sexual abuse) is not processed, then the mind will store the
initial distressing perceptions intact, and those initial perceptions
become the basis of P.T.S.D.. In my case, the “initial distressing
perceptions” would probably mean either the memories of pain (which
resulted from being subjected to painful restraint and invasive
tickling and genital groping) or the feeling of certainty deep within
me that I had been subjected to unwanted touching. I also read that
P.T.S.D. symptoms occur when the brain holds onto unprocessed
elements of the traumatic event. Given the manner in which I
recovered my repressed memories of the abuse slowly, and the
overwhelming likelihood that I did not process the sexual abuse until
long after it happened, all of the preceding facts lead me to suspect
that I have the vast majority of the symptoms of Post-Traumatic
Stress Disorder.
6i.
Conclusion
I attribute my, what could be called “aggressive
self-defense” and “verbally violent reactions”, against my
bullies – and my disruptive behavior in some of my teachers'
classrooms – to my subconscious need to act out.
I
believe that that desire to act out, stems from having been sexually
and physically abused by my father, and also misunderstood by my
mother when I tried to talk about the abuse (which resulted in there
being no resolution nor closure after the abuses). Perhaps I acted
out because I subconsciously understood that the more I obeyed and
conformed at school, the more easily I could be forced to submit to
domination by my father at home.
I
believe that there would have been no reason for me to want to stay
silent all day, or bark like a dog for nearly an hour, at school, if
I had been receiving enough attention at home; particularly, about my
having been molested, and about my problems involving bullying. I
believe that there would have been a much better chance that I might
have “played well with others”, had I been raised by a father who
knew how to discipline and get through to a child, without resorting
to shouting at them, or committing acts of physical aggression and
domination with the intent of gaining absolute control over them.
I
am saying this, so that I can own up to the way I behaved; I am not
saying this as a way to shift blame from myself onto my father.
However, I was a minor at the time, so legally speaking, instead of
sexually and physically and emotionally abusing me, my father should
have been making sure that nobody was bullying me. Unfortunately he
chose to do the opposite. Also, it was strictly my parents'
responsibility – not mine, that of a minor child who couldn't
police his own behavior yet – to make sure that I behaved myself
while I remained a child.
I
do not believe that those episodes of “acting out” were
conscious, but rather, a subconscious effect of my father's abuse and
my mother's lack of response to my attempts to disclose the abuse.
Furthermore, I do not, as my father claims, “blame him for
everything bad that has ever happened to me”.
I
only blame my father's sexual, physical, and emotional abuse for: 1)
my mental anguish; 2) my possible P.T.S.D. and/or depression; and 3)
the apprehension I feel when trying to interact with, get along with,
trust, or follow the instructions of, other people. I do not blame my
father for anything else but whichever of those symptoms have
directly resulted from his emotional, physical, and sexual abuse.
My
mother and father will vouch for the facts that I was sent to speech
therapy around first grade (age six or seven), and that I was later
(around the age of twelve) sent to a school psychologist named Dr.
Cohen after threatening a student who had been bullying me. But I am
fully prepared to testify – in open court, and in front of the
accused person, if necessary – as to the veracity of the other
claims I have made about my behavior in school. Some of those
incidents of misbehavior cannot be verified by my parents, because
many incidents of misbehavior in high school were not reported to my
parents. But teachers such as Christine Friedman will remember my
behavior. I wish to apologize to my past teachers for this behavior;
but I am also certain that I would not have acted that way if I had
not been mistreated at home.
I
want my father to acknowledge that his aggressive, confrontational,
loud, overbearing, intimidating, dominating style of parental
“discipline” caused me emotional, physical, and sexual trauma,
pain, and anguish – and difficulties with social interaction,
including sexual dysfunction – from which I am still suffering to
this day. I contend that the defendant owes me some form or another
of compensation for these damages; although I am not requesting, and
will not accept, monetary nor material rewards (unless that is the
only way to produce a judgment or a finding of guilt against my
father's favor, in which case I will seek the minimum amount legally
possible).
My
father taught me some absolutely wrong lessons about how to behave
properly; including how to treat females, and (most troublesome)
whether it's acceptable to force other people to endure “bad
touch”. I am thankful for the fact that I usually managed to resist
the urge to pick on smaller children when I was in grade school, and
also for the fact that I have not had any thoughts nor impulses to
abuse children.
I
want my father to acknowledge that the way he bullied me at home, and
isolated me (making me into a lonely child with few people to talk
to), put me in danger (because being an isolated child predisposes
children to abduction). I also want him to acknowledge the
seriousness of the fact that what he did, potentially risked exposing
other children at my school to danger. That's because my father's
bullying risked turning me into someone who could have bullied, or
even molested, smaller children.
My father caused me emotional, psychological, sexual
functional, and possible physical damages, and I suspect that there
are ways to detect most or all of those damages with physical medical
instruments, physical examinations, and physical and verbal
interactions with me for psychological examination purposes.
Even
if I am not literally and physically “broken” or “damaged”, I
am figuratively both of those things, and my father's actions are the
reason for that. Even if physical evidence of his crimes, conforming
to the standards set by police and prosecutors or by legislation,
cannot be found, then he still undoubtedly caused me multiple
different kinds of emotional pain and suffering (of which I have
provided ample written statements within this report, and of which
corroborating testimony could be obtained from friends and family
members who may be willing to testify about my father's behavior).
7. Corroborating
Evidence, Corroborating Witnesses, and Other Possible Victims
The
rules regarding discovery of physical evidence, pertaining to the
reporting of childhood sexual abuse, can be found in Image #17 of
Section 14 of this report.
7a.
Regarding Incident #1:
There
is no way to corroborate the first incident with physical evidence.
The first incident was the traumatic event which I cannot remember,
to which I responded by drawing a “mother gopher” and abused “son
gopher”. I kept those drawings a secret, and never told anyone
about it until this statement. I either threw the drawings away, or
discarded them secretly somewhere and forgot about them. I did not
find that drawing when in February 2015 I recovered some drawings I
had made as a child.
My
verbal and written testimony alone, is the only supporting evidence
that the first incident of abuse occurred. I remember only the fact
that the drawing was my reaction to some physically traumatic event
which had recently happened to me, but I do not remember that
traumatic event itself.
What
I do know is that the manner in which I was abused in Incidents #2
through #13 – which included the defendant jabbing and poking at
various parts of my body with his fingers – seems to be the most
likely manner in which I may have been abused in Incident #1, because
I drew the injured “son gopher” with holes all over his body.
I
would be willing to testify and make statements regarding what I can
manage to remember about this first incident of possible abuse.
7b.
Regarding Incidents #2 through #13:
There
is no way to corroborate the second through thirteenth incidents with
physical evidence, unless there is physical damage to my lungs, rib
cage, spine, or joints, which could be traced to my father's rough
handling of me.
Thus
far, no such damage has been found which has been conclusively linked
to injuries resulting from that abuse. However, I do have some spinal
issues, those issues have perhaps not yet been fully diagnosed, and I
have only seen one chiropractic specialist about those issues, and
have not yet sought a second opinion on the matter.
My
mother (Linda Anne Cervetti of Gurnee, Illinois) and my brother
(Michael William Kopsick of Chicago, Illinois) may be able to
corroborate many of my assertions regarding Incidents #2 through #13,
which took place on the couch in my family's furnished basement. The
reason why my mother and brother might be able to corroborate, is not
because they directly knew about the abuse, but rather, because they
both knew about myself and my brother sitting in “the triangle”
formed by my father's legs and the back of the couch, while he lay
down watching sports on television. My mother and brother therefore
knew about the circumstances which surrounded the abuse.
I
am certain that my brother knew about “the triangle”, because he
and I both sat behind my father's legs while he watched television.
If my brother remembers correctly, he will remember that both he and
I sat there at different times. In fact, each of us wanted to sit
there; so much so that sometimes we would have to arrange to take
turns. My brother should be able to corroborate all that I have
stated regarding my father's typical activity on Saturdays (and some
Sundays) in the summers of 1995 and 1996; namely, that he would lay
on his side on the couch in the basement, while watching sports
(usually golf) on television.
I
don't know whether my mother knew about “the triangle” until I
told her about it some time in the last two years (2018 or 2019). She
probably did know about the fact that my brother and I were sitting
there, and she probably saw my brother and me sitting behind my
father's legs on that couch, for a while when this activity began.
She might have even known that my brother and I were calling it “the
triangle” at the time.
But
my mother certainly was not around, for any of the times when this
activity “went wrong”. My mother was never around to witness my
father, seizing upon the opportunity to grab a hold of me, and using
it to “tickle” my genitals until I was too confused and out of
breath to articulate a clear objection. I'm sure that my mother would
have stopped my father from doing this, or at least would have had a
lot of questions, if she had seen this abuse.
In
the event that my case against the defendant, my father, goes to
trial, it will most likely be necessary to issue subpoenas to my
mother Linda Anne Cervetti and my brother Michael William Kopsick.
I
suspect that, combined, my mother and brother's statements about what
they remember, will corroborate at least half of what I have said
about Incidents #2 through #13 (as well as Incident #17). Since
Incidents #2 through #13 are the incidents which I remember the most
vividly and strongly – and the only incidents of unwanted sexual
touching which I remember directly – the statements of my mother
and brother will be extremely important to the outcome of this case.
At the very least, their statements will help prove that my father
had ample opportunity to do what I am claiming he did while nobody
else was around (except for, perhaps, my brother).
I
cannot say for sure where my brother Michael was when my father was
“tickling” and groping my penis and scrotum on our basement
couch. I suspect that either my brother was in his room, or else out
with my mother somewhere. I would be interested in knowing more about
what my brother remembers about those weekends in the summers of 1995
and 1996. I would also be interested in knowing what happened to my
brother when he sat behind my father's legs on the couch.
I
worry that my father may have molested my brother in addition to
myself. My brother (born on May 11th,
1989) would have been between the age of five years eleven months,
and seven-and-a-half, when Incidents #2 through #13 occurred (that
is, between April 1995 to August 1996). I think that it will be
necessary to involve my brother in this case, but I must stress that
he should be treated not only as a witness to circumstances
surrounding my abuse, but as a possible victim of my father's
emotional, physical, and/or sexual abuse as well.
I
am concerned that my father may have molested my brother in a similar
manner to that which I describe in the details of Incidents #2
through #13, and I worry that my brother may be suffering from lost
and repressed memories of any such incidents which may have happened
to him. If he is experiencing such memory loss, then I suspect that
oxygen deprivation (resulting from the suffocation which he endured
if he was abused) may be contributing to that.
Still,
I believe that my brother will distinctly remember sitting in “the
triangle”. I believe that if someone were to ask my brother “Do
you ever remember your father tickling you in too rough a way, or
touching you inappropriately, when you sat behind his legs on the
couch?”, he would probably remember that my father would treat us
in a very rough manner, and also invade our personal space with
“over-tickling”.
Aside
from the facts that my brother and I sat in the same place in
relation to my father, and that I was abused in that place, another
reason why I am concerned that my father victimized my brother in
addition to me, is that I suspect that my father is (or at least was)
sexually attracted to my brother in the same manner in which he was
(and maybe still is) sexually attracted to me. In December 2019, I
noticed that a photograph of my brother – shirtless and about one
years old – was lying out on my father's living room table (see
Image #13 in Section 14 of this report). It's possible that my father
had the picture out because he thinks my brother is “cute”, but
it disturbs me to think - at the age of 62, and after abusing me as a
child – that my father is still looking at shirtless pictures of
his children.
7c.
Regarding Incidents #14 through #16:
There
is no physical evidence which will corroborate the odd set of
occurrences which happened at my grandfather's house in 1996.
However, my mother Linda Anne Cervetti, and my brother Michael
William Kopsick, may be able to corroborate some of what I am stating
went on there.
My
brother should remember being at my grandfather's house with me. My
brother should remember, in particular, my grandfather's large brown
couch cushions, and hiding underneath them inside of that deep,
multi-section couch (sometimes while playfully hiding from my father
and/or grandfather).
My
mother should remember picking me up from my grandfather's after I
got sick and vomited, but if she didn't come and pick me up and it
was my father bringing me home, then she might remember my father
bringing me home after I got sick and vomited. I doubt that my mother
will remember why or how I got sick, nor what I got sick with. I
don't know why I was vomiting either. That's why I can't rule out the
possibility that I was being molested. I know that feeling sick can
be a result of being molested, and that could explain what happened,
without alcohol having anything to do with it. But that still means
that Incidents #14 through #16 likely involved molestation, the
urging of myself as a minor to consume alcohol, or both.
I
know that alcohol was around, and that my father and grandfather were
drinking it. I also know that my father has been very permissive
about underage drinking as long as I can remember. This goes back at
least fifteen years; over the years, he has allowed my cousin
Bradley, my brother Michael, and my cousin Anna to drink alcohol in
his presence while underage. My father's friends, too, have allowed
even very young children to drink beer at parties; these included a
girl who drank small amounts of beer at their parties from around the
age of four, whose mother later died of liver failure from alcohol
abuse. Given that my father was so permissive about children
drinking, it's reasonable to suspect that he might not have any
qualms about urging children to drink while underage.
I
suspect that the reason why I may have been vomiting, could have
resulted from being drugged with alcohol to forget about molestation.
If I was, in fact, urged to use alcohol when I was a minor, it might
help explain – in addition to the suffocation, and possible memory
loss, which I endured in Incidents #2 through #13 – why I
previously suffered loss of memory concerning what happened to me at
the ages of eight and nine.
I
cannot come up with any more reasonable explanation for why I would
have needed to come home from my grandfather's after getting sick and
vomiting, at all, let alone enough times that I would remember it
(which is why I suspect that this happened two or three times). I
have asked my mother whether she remembered my father ever telling
her “Joey's vomiting”; unfortunately I asked her this question
without enough detail, when I was still trying to recover memories of
these incidents.
7d.
Regarding Incident #17:
Since
the only people present for the seventeenth incident of abuse were
myself and my father, there are no witnesses who can corroborate the
abuse I described. However, there are numerous people who can
corroborate the fact that my father and I were in that hotel room
that week, and that night.
The
Union League Club Hotel in Chicago (at 65 W. Jackson Blvd.) should
have records; hopefully they go back to 1996. Those records should
show that RICHARD STEVEN KOPSICK, and/or Scott Boen Gibson, booked a
reservation in the second to last week of December 1996. I believe
that my father had booked an adjoining room for our family, next to
the Gibsons'.
I
am fairly confident that my father and I stayed in the hotel on the
night of December 23rd,
1996, as well as somewhere between one and four of the previous
nights. If I am incorrect about the date, then this must have taken
place either the previous year or the following year. The Union
League Club Hotel should be able to verify that Susan Salidor
performed a children's concert at the hotel on one of those years
(either 1995, 1996, or 1997). Also, the entire Gibson and Kopsick
immediate families should be able to recall that Christmas vacation.
During
that incident – when my father was with me in our hotel room
helping me get changed for dinner – my father caressed the back of
my head with his fingers, and I remember beginning to cry. I cannot
remember what happened next.
I
remember returning to school shortly after some New Year's Day, and
writing about the vacation as part of a class assignment. I believe
that this was in January 1997, because I think I was in either third
or fourth grade at the time, and I finished third grade in May 1996,
and finished fourth grade in May 1997. This is obviously a long shot,
but it's possible that one of my teachers (Debbie Barnes in third
grade, Mary Strauss in fourth grade, or Tom Brown in fifth grade)
could still have the assignment I did in which I wrote about the
vacation.
There
would be nothing in that assignment about the abuse, though, because
I remember trying not to mention anything negative, and trying to
focus on only the basic, ordinary, banal, and positive facts
regarding the vacation, in what I wrote. I do remember trying to
avoid writing about something negative or traumatic, though, and that
is why – in addition to the memory of my father caressing the back
of my head, and me beginning to cry – I suspect that what followed
that, and what I was trying to avoid writing about in that
assignment, was more sexual abuse.
7e.
Witnesses to Circumstances Surrounding the Abuse:
As
I explained, in my case, my brother Michael William Kopsick should be
treated as both a witness, and as a possible victim of sexual
molestation by my father. Again, I am not positive that my brother
ever directly witnessed any sexual abuse which my father inflicted
upon me, but my brother certainly witnessed events and circumstances
surrounding my abuse, which could serve as evidence that my father
had ample opportunity to commit these abuses.
I
suspect that, if my brother was abused in the same way in which I
was, then his having been younger (by just over two years) and more
vulnerable and physically weak at the time (and thus even less able
to resist, and to clearly form memories), may have contributed to his
lack of memory about being abused. If my brother was abused, and
cannot remember it, then he might have suffered from oxygen
deprivation during the abuse, due to suffocation, and that oxygen
deprivation could have made it difficult for him to remember the
event.
Additionally,
my brother and father both drink alcohol regularly, so it is possible
that their memories are impaired due to nerve damage from alcohol
use, and it is also possible that they are using alcohol as a way to
“self-medicate” in order to physically and emotionally cover up
and recover from the patterns of abuse we experienced as a family
under my father's control.
On
the other hand, my brother might not have been abused at all. That is
why it will likely be necessary to subpoena Michael William Kopsick
(of Chicago), in order to find out what Michael remembers about my
father's handling of him and myself on that couch. My brother Michael
should also remember the “creepy” manner in which my father has
talked about girls in the neighborhood (most noteworthy, Kate
Mortimer and Mary Bibbs).
Persons
besides my brother, who should be considered potential witnesses (of
circumstances surrounding my abuse), are my mother Linda Anne
Cervetti (of Gurnee), and the four members of the Gibson family whom
were present at the Union League Club Hotel during the same time
period when Incident #17 took place (that is, Scott Boen Gibson, his
ex-wife Joy, and their daughters Rebecca Gibson and Alyson Gibson,
most of whom reside in Lake Forest, Illinois).
Other
persons who may remember other circumstances surrounding the abuse,
include my ex-girlfriend Annie Dean, and families whom have been
present at Scott Gibson's pool parties and observed his inappropriate
behavior.
My
ex-girlfriend Annie Dean, whom I dated from late 2013 to December
2014, should be able to corroborate the fact that, while at her
apartment, I experienced thoughts about being abused.
The
two families whom attended nearly all of the pool parties at the
Gibsons' which were attended by my family, were the families of Jim
Mocogni and Curtis Skinner of Lake Bluff. Jim Mocogni's wife's name
is Marianne, and their children's names are Adam and Adrienne. Curtis
Skinner's wife's name is Cari, and their children's names are John,
Peter, and Paige.
Any
or all of those people should be able to corroborate the fact that
Scott Gibson would pinch the bottoms of his children and other
children present at those parties (which should help back up my
claims that both Gibson and my father have difficulty keeping their
hands to themselves around children).
The
statements and testimony of other people, can corroborate my claims
about the circumstances surrounding the abuse, and the social and
physical results of the way my father treated me, as well.
My
older half-sister Jodi witnessed the severity of my communication
difficulties (saying she thought I might have Asperger's syndrome, or
at least that I might be on the spectrum) and also the severity of my
problems biting and picking at my fingernails and toenails. My aunt
(my mother's sister) Marsha Peterson should be able to corroborate
the statements I have made regarding under what circumstances my
father chose Dr. Michael Feld as someone to pay for psychotherapy
sessions for me.
Teachers
such as Carolyn Bielski, Christine Friedman, and Kenneth Finkelstein
(of Lake Bluff and Lake Forest) will remember that I acted out to get
negative attention in high school. Charles (“Chuck” / “Pooch”)
Papousek (now of Iowa) should remember telling me about being
arrested and cavity searched (the story which led me to make a post
saying inaccurately that it happened to my father instead).
7f.
Accomplices and Co-Conspirators:
I
am not alleging that any accomplices, nor accessories to the crime,
assisted the defendant (or at least not yet). Nor am I alleging that
either my mother, any member of the Gibson family, nor anyone at
Union League Club Hotel, had any knowledge of the sexual abuses which
my father inflicted upon me (again, at least not yet).
However,
if there are any grounds to suspect that the manner in which Scott
Boen Gibson (of Lake Forest) constitutes a form of unwanted sexual
touching which is unlawful, then I wish to charge Mr. Gibson as
another defendant. If necessary, and if my future legal counsel deems
Gibson's abuses legally actionable, then I will file additional
charges against Gibson.
Another
troubling example of my exposure to unwanted sexual touching while
growing up, pertained to the behavior of my father's law partner at
the time, Scott Gibson, rather than to my father himself. This
behavior is worth noting because my father observed it, and
apparently condoned it (and so did many other parents present).
Scott
Gibson had a habit of getting into his pool, and repeatedly shouting
to the child guests at his pool parties, “There's a butt-biter in
the pool.” After shouting this sentence, Gibson would – with his
thumb and his clenched-together other fingers – pinch the buttocks
of his own children, myself and my brother, and numerous other
children whom were present at these pool parties. The majority of
this pinching occurred under water.
I
never heard any accusations of Gibson touching the genitals of any
child present at those parties, but looking back on it, I find it
extremely disturbing that all of the parents present at those parties
knew about what Gibson was doing, condoned it, and even thought it
was funny. I suspect that the parents wouldn't have thought it was so
funny, if they had been the ones getting “pinched” in the
buttocks instead of their children.
As
I explained, those pool parties occurred during the same period
during which I was being abused. I suspect that experiencing public,
unwanted pinching by Scott Gibson at those pool parties, may have
conditioned me to accept unwanted touching, on or near my genitals,
without any right to resist or question the older person doing it, at
the time.
Despite
the fact that I've never heard any accusations of molestation leveled
against Scott Gibson, his behavior, and the apparent approval of this
behavior by the other parents present, cause me serious concern about
whether some of those other parents and children understand the
importance of setting boundaries and keeping your hands to yourself.
I
look forward to consulting with my legal counsel about whether there
is any possibility that Gibson acted as a co-conspirator or
accomplice of my father in Incident #17, and/or any possibility that
my father acted as a co-conspirator of Mr. Gibson in his unwanted
touching of myself and other children in his pool. I say this because
my father and Scott Gibson are such good friends that Gibson once
admitted to my father through a letter that Gibson used heroin while
on vacation in Europe.
In
early 2015, while going through my old possessions at my father's
house, I found a bin marked “Aaron” (the name of my half-brother,
my mother's first child), and found letters and photographs which
belonged to my father and Scott Gibson. I was not snooping for
evidence, nor looking for “dirt”: I intended to return the bin to
my half-brother Aaron until I realized that it wasn't his possessions
which were inside. Upon inspection, I discovered that several of the
letters were written by my father at a young age, while others were
written by Scott Gibson in the late 1970s of early 1980s. I was
struck by how strange the contents of these letters were. In one
letter, addressed to my father, Scott Gibson admitted to trying
heroin while on a vacation, back in the late 1970s or early 1980s.
Also, many of the the letters written by my father, were written
using names such as “Richard Melvin Kopsick”, and “Steven
Kopsick”, as well as at least five other names which I can't
remember. Most were variations on his own name, but there might have
been even more because I didn't look through the whole bin. Those
letters make me wonder whether my father ever mailed a letter to
someone as a child, pretending to be somebody else.
The
reason why I say that Scott Gibson may have acted as an intentional
accomplice and co-conspirator of my father – in getting away with
their creepy behavior and unwanted touching – is because I have
seen pictures of my father and Gibson, from the late 1970s, dressed
in a very showy and effeminate manner. It makes me wonder whether
they have ever been sexually or romantically involved with each
other, and the manner in which my father declined to complain about
Gibson's groping of children at his pool parties, makes me suspect
that my father and Gibson might be intentionally and consciously
engaging in subtle attempts to cover up for each other's sexual
attraction to minor children. I may be wrong, however; the (usually
inebriated) parents present at those pool parties could have very
well not even known, nor cared, that Gibson was doing this to their
children.
Even
if Gibson meant no ill will, or no sexual gratification, from his
unwanted touching of children's buttocks, he still violated my
personal space, and caused me and other children to fear for our
bodily autonomy, privacy, and needs to feel safe.
Even
if Gibson is not a pedophile, my father's actions (by which I mean
the molestation, and also the fact that he declined to stop Gibson
from continuing this behavior) are still extremely troubling.
Specifically, because my father's actions involved a much longer –
and a more consistent, and more observably patterned - chain of
incidents of sexually creepy comments and behaviors (including
unwanted touching). Moreover, my father's invasion of my personal
space was greater than Gibson's, because while Gibson pinched my
buttocks, my father touched my actual genitals themselves.
But
the fact that Gibson's abuse was less severe than my father's, does
not mean that it didn't happen, and it certainly doesn't mean that it
was acceptable. To pretend that Gibson's actions were acceptable
simply because they weren't as bad as what my father did, is the same
thing as saying that my father's actions were acceptable simply
because he didn't molest me as many times as he could have.
8. How
I Know That I Didn't Welcome the Abuse, and How I Know That the Abuse
Was Forceful
I
want to stress that I am absolutely certain that I did not welcome
the abuse; I certainly wasn't “asking for it”, I tried to
physically resist and verbally object, and I didn't do anything
violent to my father which would have provoked him to respond with
physical force nor resistance. He chose to tickle and molest me.
The
fact that I sat behind my father's legs, and was stupid enough to get
tricked into doing it again after I had already been sexually abused
there one or more times before, does not prove that I was okay with
what my father was doing to me. I verbally objected, physically
resisted, and cried afterwards. All of these are signs which any sane
adult should be able to recognize as obvious signs of disapproval (of
the manner in which my father was touching me).
Furthermore,
the fact of what I was wearing, had nothing to do with why I was
molested. I was not acting, nor dressing, nor speaking, in any
sexually provocative, nor “flirtatious” manner. I was wearing
sweatpants, pajama pants, or shorts. Nothing about the way I was
dressing or acting, could possibly be construed to have been sexual
in nature, except in the mind of a pedophile.
My
father had a responsibility to protect me from physical, sexual, and
emotional abuse, but instead of protecting me, he actively inflicted
those abuses upon me. He also took advantage of his superior position
of trust and authority over me, in order to abuse me and in order to
(thus far) get away with molesting me.
The
fact that I laughed during Incidents #2 through #13, should not be
construed to suggest that I enjoyed the way my father was touching
me. The thing that should set off an alarm bell, is the fact that I
was laughing uncontrollably.
My
father started off by tickling me, and then he would “tickle”
private parts of my body, while invasively jabbing at other parts of
my body (like my underarms), which helped him grab hold of my arm and
leg joints, in order to hold me down, so that he could have free rein
to touch my genitals, without my hands being in the way.
Granted,
I did enjoy it when he would start tickling me, because he would
start by tickling me in appropriate places only (such as my ribs).
But when he touched progressively more inappropriate places (that is,
when he forced his thumbs deep into my underarms after tickling them,
and then touched my genitals), it forced me to laugh even more,
uncontrollably and involuntarily. The reason why I was still laughing
while having my genitals “tickled”, was in part because it
tickled, and in part because the way my father was touching me was
humiliating. That humiliation prompted embarrassed, nervous laughter.
That
was the only reason I continued to laugh after the tickling turned
sexual; I could not help but to do so. Uncontrollable and involuntary
laughter is the automatic bodily response to being forcibly tickled.
It is also, as it turns out, the automatic bodily response to being
aggressively and invasively tickled in the private parts,
unrelentingly. I repeat: The only reason that I laughed, while being
tickled in my private parts, was because my father, the defendant,
was literally forcing me to laugh.
I
believe that my father understood then, and understands now, that a
person loses their wits and their ability to clearly object, and
breathe properly, when they are relentlessly, invasively, or
inappropriately tickled. That is why I believe that he knew then, and
knows now, that what he did was wrong.
I
verbally objected in multiple ways, and made attempts to physically
resist – and/or escape my father's grasp – multiple times during
the abuse. All of those objections were ignored, and all of those
attempts to resist failed.
My
verbal objections to the abuse included “Ow”, “No”, “Stop”,
“You're hurting me”, and “I don't like this”. Not only would
my father ignore these pleas to stop, he would also mock me, and mock
the way I talked when I said “I don't like this”. I made clear
verbal objections multiple times during the abuse – that is,
whenever possible; whenever he wasn't overwhelmingly tickling me in a
way that limited my ability to breathe and speak – but he ignored
them.
I
made numerous attempts to physically resist my father, the defendant.
My father held me down, and restrained me, using both his legs (to
initially grab hold of me) and his hands (to keep hold of me). I
attempted, as often as I could, to slap and swat and push his hands
away from my groin, whenever he tried to touch my penis and scrotum.
My
only chance at escaping, would have been pushing away one or both of
his hands at the same time. The only thing I could have done to
escape, would have been to risk direct physical injury to my father,
and I do not believe that I had either the opportunity, nor the
confidence nor strength, to attempt such a thing. All of my attempts
to physically resist and escape – and my attempts to keep my
father's hands away from my genitals (so that he could “tickle”
them) – failed.
Another
reason why I am absolutely sure that I did not welcome or consent to
this abuse, is that I distinctly remember being coaxed into sitting
behind my father's legs again, after at least one incident of abuse
had already occurred.
Somewhere
between Incident #3 and Incident #12 – and it's possible that this
might have even happened several times – my father had to verbally
convince me that he was not going to do to me again, what he had done
the last time I sat in “the triangle”. That is why I believe that
my father knowingly used deceit and fraud, via a
false promise, to lie to me, in order to coax me into getting near
enough to him, that he could use his powerful arms and legs, to turn
his body into a trap, for me to fall into, so that he could molest me
again.
Another
reason why I know I objected, and a reason why I know that my father
knows that I objected, is that I cried both during the abuse, and
afterwards. During the abuses, I made verbal cries for my father to
stop touching me. I would also begin to cry, whenever my father would
succeed in getting me to stop trying to scream and resist, and
instead calm down and quiet down. Whenever I wasn't trying to object
and screaming for him to stop, I was sobbing quietly.
After
the abuses I described in Incidents #2 through #13, I sat on a small
gray “love seat” while crying, a few feet away from my father,
while he continued to watch sports on television, this time while
sitting upright. I remember sitting on that gray love seat – curled
up, in the fetal position – asking my father for permission to go
to the bathroom sink and drink some water; this probably happened
more than once. I remembered that drinking water helped me calm down
after being relentlessly “tickled”, especially because I was
dehydrated and exhausted (from having my wits tickled out of me, from
being aggressively jabbed and poked at with my father's fingers, from
being shaken around, and from struggling to resist while being held
down).
Other
factors which make me certain that I did not welcome the abuse,
include the fact that I was not dressing in a remotely “sexy” or
provocative manner, nor was I behaving in any “coquettish”,
“flirtatious”, nor “seductive” way. I also know that I never
touched my father with the intent of sexual gratification.
I
would absolutely never even consider doing such things to my father;
the thought of doing those things repulses me. But it is necessary to
mention this, because I anticipate the typical questions which rape
and molestation victims are often asked, including “What were you
wearing?” and “Are you sure that you weren't asking for it?”
I
can't remember clearly what I was wearing when the incidents of
sexual abuse and unwanted genital tickling occurred. I was probably
wearing what a typical white suburban child of age eight or nine
would be wearing in the summers; something like a T-shirt and shorts.
My father was usually wearing a “night shirt” (meaning an old,
beat-up T-shirt which he wouldn't wear outside of the house) and
either shorts or sweatpants. Nothing about what my father was wearing
during the incidents of sexual abuse was sexual - nor sexualizing,
nor sexually appealing - and nothing about what I was wearing at the
time could have caused any sexual thought in someone's mind (unless
they were a pedophile).
The
above comments pertain to the events described in Incidents #2
through #13, but not in Incidents #17. Clothing was a factor in the
events which led to that possible incident of sexual abuse. That is
not to say that I was wearing anything “sexy”, nor that I had any
intent to derive sexual gratification from, nor inspire sexual
arousal with, my clothing. To the contrary; it was my father dressing
me in uncomfortable, constrictive, tight-fitting clothes – which
made me look like an adult – that prompted my father to tell me I
looked “cute”, and caress the back of my head in a way which I
found to be inappropriate. I made it known to my parents that I
didn't like getting dressed up, and they continued to pressure me
into doing so; my mother probably had no idea that one of the reasons
why I resisted having to dress like that, is that dressing up caused
my father to “groom” me by showering me with unwanted praise (and
unwanted touching) for being cute. If being cute and dressing up, got
me touched inappropriately, and commented upon inappropriately, then
I didn't want to be cute and I didn't want to dress up. I still feel
that way today. I often tell people that “God wants you ugly”,
citing Matthew 6:25-28, and the fact that mankind needs clothing and
possessions to feel fulfilled and complete and beautiful, yet flowers
“do not spin” yarn and are beautiful despite the fact that they
do not wear nice clothing. My parents' focus on making sure that I
look good, rather than focusing on whether I feel good and whether
I'm safe from abuse, has caused me to question whether my parents
have allowed narcissism – as well as materialism, and the need to
“keep up appearances” in regard to their success in raising
children – to interfere with the actual raising of their child
(i.e., myself), and
with the protection of that child from physical, sexual, and
emotional abuse.
I
am certain that I did not willingly touch my father with the intent
of sexual gratification. It's possible that, while I was sitting in
“the triangle”, I may have inadvertently brushed up against his
genitals or buttocks. But if I did that, I cannot distinctly remember
it, it wouldn't have been intentional, it wouldn't have been for
sexual gratification, and such a thing could not possibly justify my
father responding by groping my genitals. Nor could the fact that I
masturbated as a child, possibly excuse what he did.
Had
someone else been around for these incidents of sexual abuse – or
for the many instances of my father saying and doing sexually
“creepy” things – then all of my responses to my father's touch
would have indicated to that person (that is, at least, to any person
who is normal, and neither insane nor a child molester) that I was
obviously upset and in a state of discomfort. Furthermore, that I was
clearly objecting, both physically and verbally.
Any
person with eyes or ears would have been able to recognize that I was
in distress when my genitals were being aggressively and invasively
“tickled” in the manner in which my father molested me.
Everything about my word choice and body language made that
absolutely clear. It is not that my father didn't understand these
words or signals; he deliberately ignored them and continued to touch
me inappropriately, despite those objections.
My
father, the defendant RICHARD STEVEN KOPSICK, was aged 38 in 1995,
and aged 39 in 1996. He had been a voting-age, taxpaying, legal adult
for no less than twenty years at that point. Moreover, he is an
attorney who knows the law, and once even headed the Lake County Bar
Association for a year. He should be considered to have been in full
possession of his faculties, and in sound mind and body, when he
committed these offenses against me. That is why no plea of mental
incapacity should excuse his behavior.
9. When
and How I Recovered Lost Memories of Abuse, Why I Didn't Come Forward
About the Abuse Sooner, and Why I'm Coming Forward Now
9a.
Introduction
I
realize that I will have to explain why I went as long as I did
without disclosing the incidents of sexual abuse to anyone, and why I
have decided to choose to come forward about this abuse now.
I
certainly regret not coming forward earlier; I would have liked to
come forward about the incidents of sexual abuse which I suffered as
a child, sooner than I did.
However,
I did attempt to come forward about it at the age of eight, and that
attempt was unsuccessful. I was thereby discouraged from attempting
to disclose the abuse again, until about nineteen years later, after
I had spent nearly that whole time unable to remember the abuse at
all.
9b.
Instances When I Attempted to Disclose the Abuse
Since
attempting to disclose the abuse to my mother at the age of eight (in
1995), I have spoken to my mother again about the abuse several
times. I also told two people in Portland, Oregon, while I was living
there in 2014 and 2015; and I told several more people in late 2019.
Between
April 2015 and now (December 2019), I have spoken to my mother about
several of the incidents of abuse which I suffered. I have spoken
about the abuse to her every few months over those nearly five years.
After
I called my mother from Portland, and came home, she and I spoke
about the abuse several times in person in February and/or March
2015, and during the several months which followed.
Between
late 2015 and late 2019, the frequency of our discussing the abuse,
increased from approximately every six months (from late 2015 to
early 2017) to approximately every two months (from mid-2017 until
mid-2019), while it also increased in mid-2017 and late 2019.
I
also told my ex-girlfriend Annie, and a male stranger in his twenties
whose name I never found out, that I had been sexually abused as a
child. I told both of those people some information which turned out
to be true, and some information which turned out to be false.
I
also told my mother some incorrect information about the details of
the abuse which I experienced, but I have corrected those details in
subsequent conversations with her over the last five years.
My
mother, Annie, and the stranger, were the only people I told about my
father's sexual abuse, until I told my friend Elliot Lubet (of
Madison, Wisconsin) and his mother Bonnie Schoenemann-Lubet (a
therapist) about it in September 2019. I told several friends about
the abuse after that.
9c.
Why I Didn't Come Forward About the Abuse Sooner: Bullying and Memory
Problems
My
fear of continued abuse as a child, my lost memories of abuse over
the eighteen years which followed it (January 1997 to
January 2015), and my fear and lack of legal knowledge regarding the
prospects of coming forward today, have all contributed to my
decisions to delay coming forward.
But
those reasons also explain why I am choosing to disclose the abuse
now. I have spent the last five years resolving those obstacles which
prevented me from disclosing the abuse prior to the time of the
composition of this statement. Specifically, I have worked to recover
memories of the abuse which were lost and repressed. I believe that
those memories were lost as a direct result of the abuse, due to
oxygen deprivation resulting from suffocation; but psychological
factors also made it difficult for me to remember the abuse shortly
after it stopped occurring.
I
believe that waiting until now was the best course of action to take,
because taking my time has allowed me to recover memories, figure out
how to best put into words what happened to me, and research basic
facts about the type of offense committed against me.
When
I was eight and nine years old – that is, in 1995 and 1996 – I
didn't disclose the abuse, because I was more concerned and
preoccupied with simply avoiding being abused again, than I was
concerned with telling someone about it.
As
I have explained, I did attempt to disclose the abuse to my mother.
However, this attempt failed, so I was discouraged from trying again.
At the age of eight, I lacked the vocabulary and the understanding of
sexuality to adequately explain, and put into words, what had
happened to me, and I also failed to understood the seriousness of
what had happened. As far as I can remember, I only made one attempt
to tell my mother about the abuse while it was still happening; I did
not mention the abuse to her again until early 2015 (when I recovered
the repressed memories again, around the time I turned 28 years old).
For
the five years which followed the abuse (1997 to 2002), not only was
I too preoccupied with bullies, and with my father's anger with me,
to worry about how I might successfully report the abuse again; I
could not even remember the abuse at that time. Having to satisfy,
and please, and ingratiate myself towards, my father – about
grades, for example – also took up a lot of my time, focus, and
worrying, during the years 1997 through 2005 (when I was still living
with my parents and attending school).
The
memories of unwanted touching had all disappeared by around the time
of my tenth birthday (February 24th,
1997; two months after the last incident of abuse which I can
recall). However, I also remember that when I was around of twelve or
thirteen, I had an argument with my father wherein I told him that I
thought my mother was going to divorce him. I remember thinking about
my father's past physical abuse in that moment, but I'm uncertain as
to whether I was aware of the sexual abuse at that point.
I
don't remember any time between turning ten years old, and that
conversation, when I was conscious of past sexual abuse; nor do I
remember any time between that conversation, and 2014, when I was
conscious of past sexual abuse.
After
the abuse ended in December 1996, I went a full eighteen years
without talking about what had happened to me in 1995 and 1996. I
spent those eighteen years not even remembering the abuse, except
(perhaps) for that conversation with my father which took place in
1999 or 2000.
Some
might argue that it makes no sense that I went nearly two decades
without remembering the abuse, because I would have vividly
remembered something so traumatic. However, I suspect that the reason
why I lost those memories of abuse, stem from the manner in which I
was restrained (especially around my lungs and rib cage), and tossed
around, shaken, grabbed, jabbed at, poked, and relentlessly “tickled”
until I couldn't breathe (and couldn't stop laughing as an
involuntary response). I suspect that my father's rough handling of
me, caused an interruption in the flow of oxygen to my brain, which
made it especially difficult for me to form new memories of what was
happening to me at the time, and also difficult for me to remember
the abuse later.
Moreover,
my brain had every reason to not allow me to remember these memories
of abuse, because it would be difficult for me to process without
causing my psyche to fracture. Allowing me to process, and remember,
those memories consciously, would have exposed my young mind to
cognitive dissonance; a state of willful self-confusion as to whether
my father had done to me what he did. I believe that that is exactly
what happened; that my brain shielded my conscious mind from having
to deal with these painful memories, between January 1997 (the month
after the last incident of abuse which I can recall) and January 2015
(when I began to recovered the repressed memories again).
The
fact that the abuse happened so long ago – that is, between 23 and
27 years ago – is another reason why these memories have been
difficult for me to access and recover.
I
admit that I have not included detailed accounts of Incident #1, nor
of Incidents #14 through #16. I also admit that I cannot provide any
specific details which differentiate Incidents #2 through #13 and set
them apart from one another, in a sufficient manner from which to
conclude that those abuses took place multiple times. I regret that
lack of detail, and I apologize that I cannot provide more.
However,
the lack of detail regarding these accounts, could perhaps even serve
better as evidence that my father's abuses did happen, than as
evidence that they didn't (that is, because my father's suffocation
of me during the abuse, explains my memory lapses from ages eight and
nine).
I
swear that I have made these statements up, nor because I have
willfully implanted these memories in my own mind (for example,
because I want attention, or whatever reason). I am certain that I
have not implanted any of these memories, because every time I think
about the manner in which I was abused, as described in the details
of Incidents #2 through #13, the memories get clearer and stronger
and more vivid, rather than less clear, or more uncertain.
I
am absolutely certain that my father “tickled” my genitals
multiple times on our large gray couch in our basement at 524 East
Washington Avenue in Lake Bluff, Illinois, during the summers of 1995
and 1996. Also, I can now say for sure that I clearly remember trying
to swat and push my father's hands away from my groin. I have
completely recovered those memories of direct unwanted sexual
touching, even if I can't remember every single detail of each
instance of abuse. Each abuse occurred in such a similar way, that it
is difficult to distinguish them from one another in my memories.
I
have included as much as I can remember about these incidents, in
order to provide as detailed an account of every single episode of
unwanted touching which I can remember my father inflicting upon me.
Even
if emerging facts are to show that I was abused in neither Incident
#1, nor Incidents #14 through #17 (the incidents which I remember the
least clearly), I would nevertheless be willing to swear to tell the
truth, and testify in open court, that: 1) I reasonably believed, at
the time this statement was composed, that these memories were
accurate, according to my best recollection; and that 2) the volume
of memories which I have, regarding the manner in which I was abused
in Incidents #2 through #13, leads me to conclude that I couldn't
have been molested any fewer than four to six times.
I
repeat: These abuses did happen; these memories are almost perfectly
clear now; the only important thing about Incidents #2 through #13
which I can't remember clearly, is whether the groping was under my
clothes or over my clothes (again, I believe over but not under, but
I can't be sure). And to repeat again: The memories of being abused
on the couch, get stronger and more vivid and detailed, each and
every time I think about them (and the more that I try to figure out,
and put into words, what happened).
I
have worked very hard over the last four years and ten months –
January 2015 to November 2019; especially the first few and last few
months of this time period – to recover these memories. One of the
reasons why composing this statement took over one month to complete,
is because I began the statement on October 20th,
2019; and did not resume composing it until November 19th.
Additionally, forcing myself to compose this statement, and forcing
myself to think harder to recover the details of my repressed
memories, has been very unpleasant, difficult, and disturbing.
I
am writing this statement because I feel that I have recovered enough
memories, and clearly enough, to say the following without
hesitation: I have vivid memories of being “tickled” on my penis
and scrotum against my will, at the hands of my father, between four
and twelve times (in 1995 and/or 1996, probably both); and also I
reasonably suspect that may have been molested as many as five
additional times (in 1992 and 1996).
I
repeat: I began writing this statement – and I am completing this
statement – as soon as I felt that I had adequately recovered the
memories, and also that I had sufficiently explained the details in
writing. I felt that it would be most appropriate to provide as much
written testimony as possible regarding the abuses – and also to
anticipate and answer potential questions regarding the abuse -
before coming forward with this statement. I also figured that it
would be productive to collect information which will be useful to
this case – for example, information regarding evidence of fraud,
intimidation, manipulation, and other psychological issues with which
my father may be struggling – for inclusion in this statement.
I
have never had any intention, nor have I made any attempt, to conceal
my father's crimes, nor to protect nor shield him from prosecution.
The
first time I noticed that there might be something wrong with my
memory, was when I played the character of “Pigpen” in a
production of You're
a Good Man, Charlie Brown which
was put on by Gorton Community Center in Lake Forest. I had
difficulty remembering my lines in that play; one particularly long
soliloquy about “blue bloods” made me so frustrated that I cried.
The people who were running the play removed that long line and
changed the script to accommodate me.
That
occurred before Incidents #2 through #17; some time between Incident
#1 and Incident #2. I believe that I was about six years old at the
time. These facts lead me to suspect that, if my father's abuses did,
in any way, contribute to my difficulty remembering my lines, then it
could have only been due to the abuses possibly committed during
Incident #1. If my difficulty remembering lines is attributable to my
father, but not to sexual abuse, then my abilities to memorize
sentences and speak confidently might have been hindered by my
father's confrontational, loud style of parenting (which would
involve him towering over me, and shouting at me, even as a young
child).
The
first time, during my adulthood, when I began to suspect that there
was something wrong with my memory, occurred some time in my
mid-twenties, perhaps around the age of 25. Some time during my
mid-twenties, I tried to remember my childhood, and I noticed that I
had difficulty doing that; I had difficulty retrieving clear memories
of being any younger than eight years old. It became apparent that
there were huge chunks of time and memory, from my childhood, which
were missing, and could not be accounted for. It wasn't until I was
at least 28 that I realized that the memory loss affected memories
from when I was age eight and nine, in addition to before the age of
eight.
Finally,
despite the fact that I have been singing all my life and playing
guitar for nearly twenty years, I still find it very difficult to
memorize whole songs. Memorizing the full set of lyrics, of any
particular song, seems difficult for me when compared to the ease at
which I have seen other musicians memorize songs. While playing
guitar and singing, I struggle with difficulty breathing (in terms of
getting enough air into my lungs to sing loudly enough) and memory
problems alike.
I
believe that I would have a much easier time singing in front of my
father, if he did not put so much pressure on me to sing when I don't
want to. My father doesn't understand that he is the primary reason
why I don't like to sing in front of him; he is so judgmental, that
the risk that he could criticize me, in a way that humiliates me
publicly, is so high, that it outweighs the potential benefits of
playing music for people whom I like.
I
suspect that I would have a much easier time breathing comfortably,
singing with full breath, and remembering all the lyrics of a song,
if my father had not contributed to my breathing and memory problems
(by compressing my rib cage and lungs, and by tickling me until I
couldn't breathe) while committing Incidents #2 through #13 of
Criminal Sexual Abuse against me at the ages of eight and nine.
My
father also made me too ashamed to play music for him, by accusing me
of making reference to him, on one of the self-produced albums I
recorded as a teenager. When I was around 18 years old (in 2005), my
father told me and my mother that he suspected that the first track
on that album, which was a dialogue, depicted a hypothetical
conversation between myself and my father. It did not, but my father
played the track on the stereo system in our living room, as if it
were “evidence” that I meant something insidious by that
dialogue, and meant to reference him. My father also told me that he
thought that some of the album art, on an album I made around 2006,
was a reference to him; that album art depicted a sample of a test in
which a student had given an incorrect answer and was corrected with
a red pen. The album art, and the track of recorded dialogue, had
nothing to do with my father; neither was a reference to him, and he
inspired neither of those things.
To
be perfectly clear, the manner in which my father treated me,
both during the abuse and afterwards, was so severe and hostile that,
from 1997 or 2000 until 2015, I was still too confused and scared to
be able to consciously remember the incidents of abuse which he
inflicted upon me between 1992 and late 1996.
For
those three years following the abuse (when I was between ten and
thirteen years old), my father did not even need to engage in active
nor conscious forms of intimidation to keep me quiet; his relentless
brow-beating, shame, guilt, and pressure kept me too distracted by
his current mistreatment to bother trying to recover and divulge his
past mistreatment.
This
is why I suspect that – due to the trauma I suffered during the
incidents, and the fact that I could easily be tricked into sitting
near my father again and again – I may have begun to experience
memory loss about the incidents of sexual abuse, while the incidents
were still happening.
It
is not possible that the memory loss I have suffered, about what
happened to me between the ages of eight and ten, could be attributed
to the use of cannabis.
For
one thing, I didn't start smoking cannabis until I was 19 years old,
more than nine years after the last time my father inflicted unwanted
touching upon me. Short-term memory loss attributable to smoking
cannabis at the age of 19, cannot explain memory loss surrounding
events which occurred at the ages of eight and nine years old.
I
am certain that my use of cannabis, from the age of 19 until
realizing the abuse had occurred in 2015, could not have caused such
significant lapses in memory. First, because cannabis only causes
lapses in short-term memory, and I know the difference between lapses
in short-term memory (which occur on a day to day basis), and
having several whole years being wiped and blanked from my memory.
Second, because cannabis has not been conclusively found to cause
long-term memory loss.
The
psychoactive ingredient in cannabis (Delta-9-THC) actually
facilitates the growth of new neurons and new connections between
neurons, rather than making “holes in the brain” and causing
memory loss (as its detractors claim it does). The same chemical
ameliorates the amyloid plaques which cause neurodegenerative
diseases, also known as nerve cancers. That's why I suspect that my
use of cannabis probably did no long-term damage to my memory.
Moreover,
marijuana is a mild psychedelic which causes only the slightest
distortion of perception; on a level which is nowhere near the
effects caused by opioids, narcotics, deliriants, and hallucinogens
(none of which terms apply to cannabis). Ingesting cannabis does not
cause outright hallucinations, let alone implanted memories;
therefore my use of cannabis could not possibly have caused me to
“make up”, nor incorrectly remember, my accounts of the abuses
which I suffered at the hands of my father.
Regardless
of whether my use of cannabis contributed to my memory loss, I
suspect that my father's physical restraint and near-suffocation of
me during the abuse, and the loss of oxygen which my brain suffered
during that abuse, were the main causes of my memory loss.
Additionally, my father's subsequent treatment of me over the several
years which followed the abuse (1997 to 2005), traumatized me
further, and kept me focused on ingratiating myself towards him,
keeping him placated about my grades, and avoiding setting him off.
And the set of things that might set him off, was usually
unpredictable.
My
father's confrontational, angry “style of parenting” – which,
again, included shouting at the top of his lungs at his small
children, and nearly slamming the door in his wife's face to keep her
out of the room while he did this – in my opinion, served as a
distraction from the abuse which I had suffered in 1995 and 1996, by
exposing me to ongoing trauma. This caused me to be too preoccupied
with continuing mistreatment by my father, and too worried about
avoiding such mistreatment, to bother to try to report the abuse
again, or to work to recover memories, or to run away, or to think of
some other way to get the abuse to stop.
The
trauma to which I was exposed as a child, was constant; it varied
only in terms of which particular type of abuse it would be
(shouting, restraint, molestation, judgment and shame,
mockery, etc.).
9d.
When I Experienced “False Memories” of Abuse, and Why I Think I
Experienced Them
Before
explaining how I recovered true memories, I must explain the “false
memories” which I experienced, and why I think that I experienced
“false memories” before recovering true memories. [Note: I put
“false memories” in quotes because they are not really memories;
they're thoughts about events which did not happen but which
nonetheless seem like truly recovered memories.]
At
the beginning of 2015, I had not yet distinguished which thoughts of
abuse were true memories and which were false thoughts. I had
discovered some”false memories”, and despite the fact that some
of the thoughts I was having, turned out not to be true, the most
persistent thought which I was having about the abuse – knowing
inside that my father had molested me, despite lacking vivid memories
of the abuse at the time – did turn out to be true.
The
lack of vivid memories, and the difficulty which I had been having in
regards to remembering events accurately (such as the cavity search
conversation) – and also my difficulty distinguishing false
thoughts from true memories of abuse – caused me to question the
accuracy of the thoughts I was having. Between February and April
2015, I decided to think about it, and try to figure out which
memories were false and which ones were true.
The
first “false memories” of direct sexual abuse at the hands of my
father, surfaced in the first few days of January 2015. But the first
memories which were both true and somewhat clear, resurfaced later;
in the first few months of 2015, perhaps March or April, when I
remembered having been pressured to wear penny loafers, as a child of
about nine (one of the years during which the abuse occurred). This
resulted in me recovering memories of Incident #17.
Before
going into the details of how I recovered those memories, I will
begin with what happened in 2014, to explain how I began to
experience the first “false memories” which pertain to both my
father and sexual abuse.
In
the summer of 2014 – while I was living in Portland, Oregon – I
made a post on Facebook about my father having been cavity-searched
during a police search, while being arrested as a young man. I made
this post because I was ashamed about the submissiveness and bodily
invasion which the search required, and also fearful for our civil
liberties, at the fact that such searches often occur without just
cause. But unfortunately, I discovered later that what I had posted
about was incorrect.
Some
time between 2010 and 2013 – at least a year before I made this
post – a friend of my father who now lives in Iowa (named Charles
“Chuck” Papousek, also known as “Pooch”), told me a story
about getting arrested when he was a young man. When I remembered
having been told this story, I made a post about it, but I mistakenly
believed that the person who got arrested (and cavity searched) was
my father.
I
am very sorry that I made that mistake, because it reflected badly on
my father. It also reflects badly on me, because I should have
thought harder about the story I had heard before discussing it, and
also I should not have divulged something painful and personal about
someone else. I sincerely wish to apologize for that, and I also want
to make it clear that I had no intent to defame, nor commit libel
against, my father.
But
my point is this: This was the first incident I can recall in my
adult life, when I began to experience “false memories”
associated with my father, which pertained to invasive actions
committed against a person's private parts.
Although
this event may seem irrelevant to mention, I mention it in order to
be as thorough as possible. This was the first time I thought that my
father had been involved in some sort of sexual abuse, and I got it
wrong. That's why it's essential to explain that this incident –
which took place in mid-2014 – was the first event in a chain of
several “false memories” concerning my father and sexual abuse,
which I experienced, prior to recovering true memories of sexual
abuse at the hands of my father. The process of verifying those
memories, eventually caused the resurfacing of true memories, in the
early spring of 2015.
Another
event which I believe accelerated the resurfacing of memories
concerning sexual abuse at the hands of my father, was the fact that
in November and December 2014 – while still living in Portland,
Oregon – I was thinking about the fact that I was circumcised.
I
had been reading articles about the debate concerning the pros and
cons of circumcision. I became increasingly displeased and upset at
the fact that my parents, and the staff of Lake Forest Hospital, had
taken part of my body just after I was born. I now consider
circumcision to be an act of unwanted sexual touching, sexual trauma,
and sexual mutilation.
I
had first became aware of my circumcision, and first became upset
about it, when I talked to my father about it around the age of
eight. I remember not knowing whether I was circumcised, and my
father informing me that I was. I knew that circumcision involved
taking a part of the penis away, and I remember feeling somewhat
upset when I first found out that I was circumcised, because I felt
that I had missed out on something. Later I discovered that
circumcision removes many nerve endings, and thus decreases sexual
pleasure.
Thinking
about the fact that I had been circumcised, and wishing that I
hadn't, got me thinking more and more – in the last two months of
2014 – about the topic of my father (passively or actively)
inflicting sexual trauma upon my genitals.
I
regret not being able to provide sufficient proof, but the fact that
I ceased publishing new posts to my blog entirely, between November
30th,
2014 and March 24th,
2015 – and then again from March 24th,
2015 to September 20th,
2015 – ought to demonstrate the frailty and fragility of my mental
state at the time. At the beginning of that time period (November
30th,
2014), I had been thinking about my circumcision for somewhere
between a few days and a few weeks, I remembered being pressured to
wear penny loafers around March or April 2015, and in the late summer
of 2015 I traveled to Florida and completed a written interview
(while staying at a friend's apartment), which I published on
September 20th,
2015.
I
was unable to produce and publish original, complete articles during
those two periods of four and six months; and that owes to the fact
that my mind was too preoccupied with religious, spiritual, and
psychological topics (circumcision included) to bother with political
writing.
On
December 31st,
2014, my then- girlfriend Annie broke up with me. I could say that
“she left me alone on New Year's Eve”, but our breakup was
inevitable and I should have expected it. I chose to spend it alone
in my apartment in Northwest Portland, which I had acquired at the
beginning of either November or December 2014.
That
night, at midnight, I briefly attempted (but failed) to pierce my own
navel. I now realize that that was likely an attempt at self-harm
(albeit a socially acceptable one). It was certainly harmful to
myself, anyway, because I was using neither professional nor sanitary
methods to do it. I believe that I attempted to give myself this
piercing because I either wanted to hurt myself, wanted to feel what
people feel when they harm themselves, was suppressing unconscious
memories that were too painful to deal with, or all of the above.
That
attempt to pierce my navel, forced me to think about how other people
I know (including my ex-girlfriend Annie) have inflicted harm upon
themselves, and it helped me identify with their pain. In a small
sense, it probably helped me focus on real forms of abuse which I had
physically suffered, in addition to emotional abuse.
The
next memory worth mentioning, which followed New Year's Eve of 2014,
is a memory of recovering a mix of true memories and “false
memories”. This occurred some time around the second or third week
of January 2015.
My
girlfriend had broken up with me on New Year's Eve of 2014, and some
time in early or mid- January I went to her apartment, because I
needed to calm myself down, and thought we were ready to talk to each
other again. I also needed to talk to her, because I needed a little
help making sense of reality, and making sense of things I had been
reading about in the news. I remember sitting on a large recliner in
her apartment in Northwest Portland, a large, hundred-year-old
building near the intersection of Northwest 23rd Street
and Thurman.
My
ex-girlfriend and I were talking in her living-room-slash-bedroom at
one moment, and the next moment, she went into her kitchen, and was
still within earshot (it was a small apartment). Through no intention
nor willful act of my own, I imagined a penis suspended in air in
front of me, going into my mouth and ejaculating into it. This
prompted me to jerk backwards into my chair, and say out loud,
something like “Oh my God, I think my dad molested me.” At the
very least, “I think my dad molested me.”
My
ex-girlfriend doubted me, and asked me to explain, so I explained the
thoughts I was having. I explained these thoughts in terms of “this
is what I think might have happened”; I was not confident about the
memories to articulate anything in specific. I might have said
something like “I think my dad made me suck his dick in his bedroom
closet”, or “I think my dad touched me in his closet”, but I
can't remember what I said for sure.
I
know I said those things to my mother, but I can't remember if I told
my ex-girlfriend those things too. I don't know when I began to
suspect that I was molested in my father's bedroom closet, nor the
breezeway between our kitchen and the garage; it might have been
during that conversation with my ex-girlfriend, or it might have been
during the several weeks or months which followed. The thoughts about
the breezeway might not have even come up until March or April; I
wish I could remember more clearly when I had these thoughts, but
thoughts are more difficult to remember than events or dates.
As
I stated, when I was at my ex-girlfriend's apartment, I recovered a
“false memory” and a true memory at the same time. This was a
“false memory”, in the sense that my father never made me perform
oral sex on him, but what the memory made me say out loud was true. I
hadn't yet, at that point, recovered the particular circumstances of
the abuse, but this was the first time that I said to someone else,
out loud, that my father molested me.
I
realized a few months after this happened, that it was a “false
memory”. Before I realized that the memory was false, I
unfortunately told my mother and my girlfriend that I thought my
father had put his penis in my mouth. I told my mother and
ex-girlfriend about those “false memories” of oral sex – which
I then suspected were true, and now know are false – before any
real, vivid memories of unwanted touching resurfaced.
I
would like to sincerely and profusely apologize for getting that
wrong. However, I also stress that I was careful to explain the
memories I was experiencing in terms of “this is what I think might
have happened”, so I did not commit an act of slander against my
father, nor did I intend to. Furthermore, I have corrected this error
in conversation with my mother.
Some
time in January or February 2015 – perhaps before telling Annie and
a stranger about the abuse, perhaps afterwards – I drew a symbol on
a piece of paper, which looked sort of like this: (R->J), except
the letters were within a fully enclosed circle instead of
parentheses. The significance of the symbol was that the “R” was
penetrating the “J” (which stand for “Richard” and “Joseph”).
Although I cannot find this image in my old documents, I distinctly
remember drawing it, and it captured what I was feeling; the feeling
that my father had intruded into my body, my life, my identity, my
name, and my essence.
Drawing
that image jogged my memories because I continued analyzing the
meaning of the image after I had drawn it. I cannot say that I drew
the image in order to consciously and purposely depict all of the
meanings which I have drawn from it, but I know that the image
captured what I was feeling; a feeling of certainty that my father
had done something to me which annihilated my identity, my power, and
my will.
Perhaps
a week or two after I visited my girlfriend, I disclosed sexual abuse
by my father to another person. That person was a white male (perhaps
with Hispanic heritage, perhaps not) whom was in his twenties.
I
had been letting this young man into my apartment to hang out. I
never found out his name, though, because I never asked his name; I
met him after he knocked on my window, and I opened the window up for
him to come through. That may sound strange, but I was virtually
alone in Portland at the time – having just broken up with my
girlfriend, and ceased speaking with my best friend John – and thus
I was so desperately lonely that I was willing to let a complete
stranger into my apartment.
I
didn't ask his name, not only because I was lonely, but also because
I was in a severe state of confusion at the time. I had turned from
studying politics to stranger and more introspective topics such as
psychoanalysis and religion, and I didn't know which memories of my
father's abuse were real and which were false. I didn't know what to
believe, and perhaps I needed a strange new person in my life who
would lead me to new experiences; someone about whom I knew almost
nothing, maybe even someone onto whom I could project whatever I
wanted to believe about them.
Again,
my mental state was fragile; I was never more isolated and alone in
my whole life, than I was between December 2014 and February 2015.
The fact that I had only been associating with that ex-best-friend
and ex-girlfriend on a purely social basis at the time, should be
considered; especially given that both of them took medication for
mental illness (the ex-girlfriend, bipolar disorder, and the
ex-best-friend, delusionary schizophrenia). Their mental conditions
likely contributed to the fragility of my state of mind at the time.
Although
I never found out his name, in February 2015, that stranger brought a
guest to my apartment, a white female in her twenties or thirties.
That woman told me that she and the stranger were friends of Jessie
Sponberg. Jessie Sponberg is a resident of Portland, and at some
point in late 2014, I either spoke with him over Facebook, wrote on
the same message boards, or both. Jessie Sponberg is, more or less,
Portland's most prominent vigilante, and he has sought the office of
Multnomah County Sheriff. I suspect that Sponberg likely sent these
two people to spy on me; if he did, then this may have been
attributable to my political view, and/or to my posts about them on
Facebook. Portland is now a divided city, and Sponberg would have had
ample reason and opportunity to send his friends to spy on someone
such as myself who was seeking to influence local politics. On the
other hand, Sponberg may not have sent these people to spy on me at
all; but that doesn't add up, since I can't figure out why the
stranger and his female friend would take it upon themselves to spy
on me (someone of whom they'd apparently never heard before that).
Before
I found out that my unnamed friend was associated with Jessie
Sponberg, I confessed to him that I suspect that my father had
molested me. The next time that I saw him after that, I brought the
topic up again, and the stranger responded, “He didn't molest you”
in a very matter-of-fact kind of way. But I insisted that my father
did indeed molest me, and I offered an explanation related to forced
oral sex (including a claim that I absorbed my father's DNA through
ingesting his semen), and the stranger reacted with disgust.
However,
now I know that what I said to him that day was false, because I have
still not recovered any clear memories of being forced to perform
oral sex on my father. I regret misleading this person, and I regret
slandering my father in the process; I only said this because I had
not yet recovered memories of the specific sort of sexual abuse he
inflicted on me (which I discovered, months later, was sexual
“tickling”).
Despite
the fact that the “memories” of forced oral sex which had
apparently “resurfaced”, turned out to be false – and the fact
that I had not yet recovered any vivid memories of the abuse – I
still, at that point, felt confident enough that some form of abuse
had taken place. At least, confident enough to tell my ex-girlfriend,
my mother, and a virtual stranger (whom I, for some reason, trusted
at the time).
The
first time I disclosed the possibility of abuse to my mother, was
after I had told my ex-girlfriend Annie and the stranger that I
suspected that I had been sexually abused by my father. I disclosed
the possibility of abuse to my mother during a phone call in early or
mid- February 2015.
This
phone call occurred while I was standing outside of St. Mark's
Episcopalian Church (1025 Northwest 21st Avenue,
Portland, Oregon). I had lost my cell phone once or twice in the
preceding year, so I cannot remember whether I called from a cell
phone or a pay phone. I think I used a quarter or two to make a call
from a pay phone. I clearly remember being near the sidewalk outside
of St. Mark's Church, calling my mother and telling her that I
suspected my father of having molested me.
This
telephone call might have taken place on a Sunday; I can't be
positive. That's because I had been researching Catholic saints, and
Decembers through Aprils are full of Catholic holidays. I was
following the Catholic calendar, and I decided to attend a service at
the St. Mark's Church, which is near a park that is situated several
blocks from where my ex-girlfriend lived at the time. That's why it's
entirely possible that this phone call did not happen on a Sunday.
The call probably took place between January 1st and
20th,
2015.
I
distinctly remember the phone call with my mother, and I distinctly
remember speaking to the priest after the service, and thinking about
whether I wanted to tell him that I thought my father had abused me.
However, I was either too shy, or not confident enough about the
accuracy of my memories (or both), to bring up the topic to him, and
I did not tell him about the abuse at any point after that. I
remember having difficulty looking the priest in the eye, when I
thought about telling him that I suspected my father of having
sexually abused me. I was probably, in part, intimidated by the sheer
size and height of this priest. I believe that this attempt to speak
to the priest, encouraged me to think harder about what actually
happened.
I
have confirmed privately with my mother that she remembers the
telephone conversation. I would like to apologize for divulging
“false memories” before I confirmed them, and I want to be as
forthcoming as possible about the fact that I divulged “false
memories” of abuse before I had recovered any true memories. But
once again, I stress that I only reported – to my mother,
ex-girlfriend, and the stranger – that I suspected that my father
had made me perform oral sex on him; furthermore, I have corrected
the error in conversation with my mother.
When
I said that specific piece of information, I was incorrect and
reporting “false memories”; but when I was telling people that I
thought my father had abused me, I was correct. I did reasonably
suspect my father of having abused me, and now I know for sure that
he did.
Additionally,
at some point during the month or two which followed that phone call
to my mother from outside St. Mark's Church, I told my mother that I
suspected that I had been molested in the “breezeway” of our
house on East Washington Avenue (between the kitchen and the garage).
I also told my mother that I thought I might have been molested in my
father's bedroom closet. As I explained, I believe that I experienced
those “false memories” because of other distressful things I
experienced in those locations; namely, being told by my father to
get out of his closet and stop playing with his shoehorns, and being
yelled at by my parents in the breezeway occasionally while coming
home or leaving home as a child. However, I now know that I was not
molested in my father's closet, nor in the breezeway, nor was I
forced to perform oral sex on my father. The majority of the abuse
occurred on the large gray couch in the basement (as described in
Incidents #2 through #13), in the form of unwanted tickling and
touching of my genitals. I have corrected this information in
subsequent conversations with my mother.
As
I explained, after I told my mother about the abuse, during that
February 2015 phone call, I attended the church services and talked
to that priest at St. Mark's. For the next few days and weeks after
that, I couldn't stop thinking about the fact that I felt confident
(somewhere inside of me) that my father had molested me, and that I
had admitted it to my mother. I didn't feel any urge to go back and
tell either my mother, my ex-girlfriend, or the stranger, that I was
wrong, or that the abuse didn't happen, though. Even if I lacked
vivid, specific memories then, I still felt confident enough that my
father had sexually abused me, to tell three people, and refrain from
retracting my claim.
The
only things which I have retracted were the few “false memories”,
regarding the location and method of the abuse, which I got
incorrect, before working to recover the memories of the incidents of
sexual abuse in more detail.
About
two or three weeks after calling my mother about the suspected abuse,
I left Portland. This occurred in the final week of February 2015,
after my father had bought me a ticket home to Chicago on a train. I
then moved back in with my father, who lived then, and now still
lives, in the Knollwood neighborhood of Lake Bluff, Illinois, at 132
Welwyn Street.
When
I got home, and my parents (divorced, by that point) were in my
father's house, I went to my father's dark garage, and sat down on
the step in front of the door, and cried. My parents came to comfort
me. I don't remember whether I explained what was going through my
head, but I remember that I was thinking about how confused I was,
and how lucky I was to be alive, after I got fired from my job and
lost my apartment, and my parents rescued me from the social
isolation I was experiencing in Portland.
I
was very grateful to be out of Portland (which I left because I had
begun to notice that a lot of methamphetamine addicts and Satan
worshipers live there), and I was grateful for my parents' upcoming
assistance in helping me get my life back together.
But
I was also displeased, because I had to live with my father after I
was told that I could move back in with my mother. I didn't want to
be around my father, much less touch him, because I was beginning to
have thoughts that caused me to reasonably suspect that he had
sexually abused me as a child.
Furthermore,
the minutiae which would upset my father, made living with him into a
situation in which two or three shouting matches per week was the
norm. My father would angrily confront me about things like where I
left the kitchen sponge, or how I failed to completely close the door
to the garage; he has always done things like this, I suspect to keep
me in a constant state of fear, panic, and anxiety.
The
first thing that my father did when I got off the train was hug me. I
understand why he did it, but I was not ready to touch him, nor ready
to trust him. I still don't want to touch him or hug him, I don't
like to be around him, and I am always aware of it whenever he
attempts to closely monitor or censor my speech in front of other
people. He is impossible to get along with, let alone live with, even
if one were to put the abuse aside.
On
the positive side, however, having to live with my father, forced me
to observe his confrontational, angry, gaslighting nature each and
every day. I tried as hard as I could to avoid him, and avoid
speaking to him, but his personality makes getting along without
conflict nearly impossible. Being in close contact with my father,
especially during the beginning of 2015, probably helped bring more
repressed memories of abuse out of my subconscious and into my
conscious mind.
In
mid-2017, I confronted my father about “half-molesting me”, and
mentioned the overwhelming tickling, but I probably didn't mention
the unwanted touching on the genitals. Aside from that conversation,
I didn't tell anyone else about my father's sexual abuse, at any time
between early 2015 (when I told three people) and the second half of
2019 (when I disclosed the abuse to my friend Elliot Lubet of
Madison, Wisconsin, and his mother Bonnie Schoeneman, formerly
Schoeneman-Lubet). Nor did I tell anyone about the abuse between 1997
and 2014, the time period during which I could not remember that
abuse (unless I was aware of it for the first three years of that
time period, and remembered it last around the age of 12 or 13).
It
would perhaps help explain why I believe that I experienced the
particular “false memories” which I did, in late 2014 and early
2015.
While
writing this report, I have realized that the memories of Scott
Gibson inflicting unwanted touching upon my buttocks, surfaced much
in the same manner in which the memories of being abused at the hands
of my father surfaced. In both instances, an image of my abuser
appeared in my mind's eye, but it was an inaccurate image at first,
and it only became clear months later what really happened during the
abuse.
When
I realized my father had abused me, I imagined a penis ejaculating
into my mouth, only to realize later that I've had no vivid memories
of my father ever doing such a thing to me. Similarly, long before I
remembered the “butt-biting” incidents, I had images of Scott
Gibson standing in front of me in swim trunks in the living room of
his house. As far as I can remember, Gibson never molested me, and
never did anything inappropriate to me any of the times we were alone
together.
The
most likely reason why I thought my father had molested me in his
bedroom closet, was because I experienced a slight amount of distress
when my father would tell me to get out of his closet and stop
playing with his shoehorn. The most likely reason why I thought my
father had molested me in the breezeway, was because I experienced
slight amounts of distress when my parents would hurry me out of the
house before going to school.
I
suspect that my subconscious was remembering those slight amounts of
distress, and suggesting them to me as the possible causes of the
trauma. They might have caused distress, but they only caused slight
amounts, and the trauma which I experienced, was not either of those
events; it was much more severe.
I
believe that I experienced these “false memories” (really,
thoughts which I once mistook for memories), my mind was trying to
take a guess at what happened to me, which it had to do in order to
present me with a serious enough thought about abuse, which would
cause me to question the validity of the thoughts, feelings, and
possible memories which I was experiencing. My mind's guess was
correct about the person who abused me both times, but both times my
mind was also wrong (in the case of my father, or, in the case of
Gibson, lacked information) about what specific form the abuse took,
and which part of my body it affected.
I
suspect that, in both cases, my mind showed me an image of my abuser,
doing something that never happened – but still something jarring
enough for the mind to notice – in order to get my conscious mind
“locked in” to the person of whom I was thinking, as someone of
whom I should be suspicious (and, especially, suspicious of having
abused me).
Thus,
these falsely recovered “memories” actually helped, because they
prompted me to figure out which thoughts were false and which
thoughts were real recovered memories that actually happened.
9e.
When and How I Recovered the Lost True Memories of Abuse, and How I
Distinguished False Thoughts from True Memories
The
first time I felt positive that I had been sexually abused, was in
January 2015, when I was living in Portland, Oregon. In January 2015,
I knew that I had been molested, but I had only experienced “false
memories” about direct abuse at that point; I hadn't yet recovered
any true memories.
The
first time I recovered true, somewhat vivid, memories of abuse,
however, was a while after that; in March or April 2015, when I was
living in Lake Bluff, Illinois. I tried to write down a list of words
and terms to jog my memory; I'm not sure whether I consciously did
this to try to figure out how I had been abused, but I think that I
did.
I
would like to get to the point, and explain how I remembered the
first incident of abuse of which I recovered vivid memories (Incident
#17, the last chronological incident), but some background is
necessary to understand what led up to that.
Before
recovering vivid memories of the abuse in early 2015, I got the
distinct feeling, deep inside of my mind and my heart and my gut,
that my father had molested me.
The
first memories of abuse were more feelings than memories; feelings of
certainty that the abuse had happened, despite lacking details.
In
late 2014 and early 2015, my research had begun to drift away from
political topics, and towards psychological and spiritual topics,
which I was not then prepared to publish. I began to listen to
lectures of Alan Watts on YouTube. Watts was a British mystic, who
studied, wrote, and gave lectures on, psychology and spirituality
(and the link between them) in the 1960s and 1970s.
In
early January 2015 – probably one of the first few days of the
month - I remember sitting in my apartment on the Northwest side of
Portland (on NW Hoyt Street) listening to one of Watts's lectures on
YouTube. I was sitting on my floor with my legs crossed, facing my
laptop computer and the window above and behind it.
Unfortunately,
I cannot remember the title of the particular YouTube video which
contained the audio of Watts's lecture, nor can I remember the main
topic of the content of the probably hour-long talk. Watts is such a
prolific author and lecturer, that it would take weeks to go through
all of the audio lectures of his which are available on YouTube
alone. For anyone except an expert on Alan Watts, and/or mysticism or
psychoanalysis, this task would be like finding a needle in a
haystack.
But
what I do distinctly remember, is when Alan Watts came to a dramatic
climactic point in his speech, and asked a pointed question at the
listener. To the best of my recollection, that question was worded
something like this: “What's the one thing that keeps coming up in
your mind, over and over again!?” (or perhaps “What keeps coming
up in your mind again and again?”) However the question was
phrased, it caused me to think “My father molested me” as a
response.
I
thought “My father molested me” in my mind, but I did not say it
out loud. Nobody else was in my apartment at the time, so there was
no need to say it out loud, and nobody else witnessed this event.
However, I distinctly remember it happening, as I had recently become
interested in researching spirituality and psychology, and Watts
spoke on the relationship between those two topics so much that I
listened to several of his lectures.
By
now, I have listened to more of Watts's lectures, and he has studied
and commented on the works of Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung, so he has
probably spoken on the topic of child abuse at one point or another.
However, I still feel confident that Watts did not say anything about
child abuse during his talk. I feel confident saying that neither
molestation, nor child abuse, nor anything of the kind, were
mentioned in that talk by Alan Watts. I do not believe that Watts did
anything to subliminally implant any thoughts about child abuse, nor
the phrase child abuse, nor anything similar to that. There was no
indication from the talk that Watts was trying to prompt his
listeners to think they were molested.
In
my opinion, Watts's desire was probably to cause the listener to
confront some memory or possibility that they were denying in their
subconscious mind; perhaps something causing cognitive dissonance,
and interfering with their ability to process reality accurately.
Only a person who had been molested or abused as a child, would think
of child abuse as the one thought that they couldn't stop from coming
up again and again in their mind, when confronted with such a
question.
Watts
simply asked a question, which was, “What's the one thing that
keeps coming up in your mind, over and over again!?”. This question
really amounts to not much more than “What's on your mind?” or
“What's bothering you?”. Yet my response to the question was “My
father molested me”, even though his question was totally innocuous
and neutral, and suggested nothing in particular. The possibility
that my father had seriously abused me or even molested me as a
child, was the one question that had recently kept coming up over and
over again, in both my conscious mind and my subconscious.
Listening
to Alan Watts pose that question “What keeps coming up in your mind
over and over” prompted me to think “My father molested me” for
the first time; some time in the first two weeks of January 2015. At
that point, I had still not experienced any vivid memories of being
touched against my will in a sexual manner; those memories were
recovered several months later (in early spring 2015).
I
remember coming away from listening to that lecture, wondering
whether my thought was accurate. At that point, since I hadn't yet
experienced any thoughts about sexual abuse, this wondering went no
further than a simple matter of “did he or didn't he”. I had no
intention to jog my memory, nor to recover repressed memories, when I
listened to Alan Watts lectures in January 2015; at the time, I had,
at most, only a vague, subconscious idea that the way my father had
treated me was something serious and something to be concerned about.
The
next indication which I could trust, that my father had molested me,
occurred to me several months later, in March or April, after
returning home to Lake Bluff from Portland, and moving in with my
father.
I
spent March and April 2015 struggling with insufficient access to
phone and internet. I had no cell phone when I arrived home in the
last week of February, the internet receptivity at my father's house
was intolerably slow, and I was in the process of transferring the
contents of my failing laptop computer onto an older working laptop
of mine which I had found at my father's house after moving in. Once
I got a new phone, and restored the old laptop, I had a fast enough
internet connection to resume blogging, sending emails, and applying
for jobs.
After
solving those problems, I set about going through some old
possessions of mine which were stored in plastic bins in my father's
garage (including toys from my childhood). I knew, even if only on a
subconscious level, that I would not be able to remember what
specific manner of molestation had happened to me – nor would I be
able to distinguish the false “memories” of abuse from the real
ones – unless and until I could reconnect with my childhood in some
way. That's why I looked at and read a few of the pieces of art,
cartoons, and stories I had drawn and written as a child.
I
also used aromatherapy at the time. My conscious reason for doing
this was to calm myself down, but I also think that I did this
because I knew that scent is the strongest sense tied to memory. At
the time, I was using a vanilla-scented hand lotion that was very
calming, and I was also treating my winter-dried hands with Burt's
Bees Hand Salve. The scent of Burt's Bees products (which contain
beeswax and honey), and especially the scent of the vanilla hand
lotion, helped calm me down enough to begin recovering memories of
abuse, and helped me remain calm amid the confusion and panic which
accompanied the recovery of frightening new memories.
At
some point in March or April 2015, I willed myself to recall the
memory of how the insides of Nintendo cartridges smell. I did this
because I was trying to remember what had happened to me in my
family's basement, in the house which formerly stood at 524 East
Washington, Lake Bluff, Illinois. Nintendo cartridges – combined
with the musty smell of a basement of a (then) forty-year-old house –
helped jogged memories of abuse, because my father abused me, in the
manner in which I described in Incidents #2 through #13, in the same
room in the basement in which my brother and I would play video games
as children. We would play video games using the same television
monitor on which my father would watch golf before and after
molesting me.
In
late February or early March 2015, I began listening to music while
taking baths, using the Pandora application on my smartphone. I was a
fan of English guitarist Nick Drake, so during one of those baths
(which probably took place around the first week of March 2015),
Pandora recommended the song “I'd Like to Walk Around in Your Mind”
by English singer-songwriter Vashti Bunyan.
I
remember being soothed by the song, but also perturbed by it. The
mood and tone of the song are calm and soothing; featuring a female
vocal, an acoustic guitar, strings, and other instruments, and
containing pleasing chord changes and pleasant melodies. However, the
lyrical content of the song was perturbing and “triggering”,
enough to cause me to recover memories. But since the song is
calming, and none of the lyrics are obviously upsetting – and
nothing in the song alludes to abuse nor molestation, and most of the
lyrics are positive – this song does not currently cause me panic
attacks, nor did it cause me panic attacks back then in 2015. one
line stood out.
The
lyrics of the line which stood out, and “triggered me” (by which
I mean “caused me to recover repressed memories”), was the line,
“I would disturb your easy tranquility, I'd turn away the sad
impossibility of your smile”. An interpretation based on literal
meaning would tell us that the singer wants to make the subject (or
listener) happy, but also that the singer wants to, in so many words,
“disturb” them. When Bunyan sings, “I would disturb your easy
tranquility”; by “I would”, she means “I want to”, and by
“disturb your easy tranquility”, she means she wants to interrupt
or disrupt the listener's calmness. And indeed she did; my
tranquility was certainly disrupted and disturbed when I heard that
line of the song.
Hearing
Vashti Bunyan's “I'd Like to Walk Around in Your Mind”, while
taking a bath in my father's house in February or March 2015, helped
me recover the memory which I described in Incident #17, the final
and most recent incident chronologically. Hearing Bunyan sing “I
would disturb your easy tranquility” caused me to remember my
father caressing the back of my head in a hotel room at the Union
League Club in Chicago.
The
combination of expressing an intention to disturb someone, and an
intention to enter their mind without them knowing (as in the
penultimate line “but most of all I'd like you to be unaware”),
made me remember that my father had touched the back of my head
without my consent. I later realized that this touching was an
episode of “pedophile grooming”.
I
might as well note here that Vashti Bunyan's music has been
especially helpful, throughout the month of November 2019, to provide
me with the calmness of mind which I needed to complete this
statement. The fact that her music is therapeutic can be verified by
listening to it; about 90% or more of her musical output consists of
a whisper-like vocal over soft, finger-picked acoustic guitars, and
sometimes feudal-era instruments. While most of her songs sound
sweet, many of them contain brutal honesty, and even criticism of the
subject or listener, of the variety that they perhaps don't want to
hear, but need to hear (for example, “Some Things Just Stick in
Your Mind”, although Bunyan didn't write it). Being confronted with
something I needed to hear, but perhaps didn't completely want to,
was certainly my experience, anyway.
It
is worth noting that “to disturb” or “to bother” is rendered
in Spanish as “molestar”. Now, I am in no way trying to say that
Bunyan intended such a double meaning by including the word
“disturb”; few people would make that connection. But that just
goes to show, as in the Alan Watts example before that, that it is my
subjective interpretation – that is, the interpretation performed
by myself, a victim of child sexual abuse – of what Watts and
Bunyan were saying, which caused me to think of molestation
consciously. My revelations had nothing to do with the content of
Watts's nor Bunyan's words, and everything to do with what memories
and realizations they evoked within me.
[Note:
I should also note that in 2017, two years after hearing Bunyan's
song in the bath, I observed my father singing the Spanish-language
backing vocals in The Clash's song “Should I Stay or Should I Go”,
several times. Each of those times, I have heard him repeat the line
“esta indecisión me molesta” (“this indecision's bugging me”),
with the emphasis on the word “molesta”. I think it's reasonable
to conclude that my father is entertained by the word “molest”; I
suspect that this is because he got away with molesting his son.]
Another
event which caused me to remember the events of Incident #17 more
clearly, occurred some time around the time I heard Vashti Bunyan's
song in the bath. I'm not sure whether it was before or afterwards,
but I remembered that I had been pressured to wear penny loafers to
events as a child. Some time in March or April 2015, I thought about
the possibility that I was abused, while hand-writing a list of words
and phrases which were on my mind.
If
I remember correctly, I was thinking about coins at the time; for
example, the possibility that my last name Kopsick might be a
reference to a small denomination of Russian currency, the fact that
a nickel can stand on its side and thus has three edges, and the
design of the U.S. dime. I was likely also remembering, at the time,
that my family had had a golden retriever named Penny when I was
growing up. It was either this focus on coins (and Penny), or
consciously trying to jog my memories about abuse, or both, which
caused me to come up with the term “penny loafers”.
Unfortunately,
I can't vividly remember writing that term down, nor can I find any
document in my possession which bears the term. But that could be
because I thought of penny loafers after completing the list. Either
way, remembering that I didn't like wearing penny loafers as a child,
helped me remember other times I had been pressured to wear
constrictive clothing (and pressured to accept unwanted affection and
touching when I dressed so “cute”), and that memory helped me to
remember my father caressing the back of my head (i.e.,
the events of Incident #17).
Aside
from the term “penny loafers” becoming a “trigger word” for
me (that is, a word that prompts memories of abuse to come flooding
back), the word “breezeway” may have resulted from that attempt
to make a list of terms to jog my memory. I can't remember whether I
first suspected my father of molesting me in the breezeway of our
house in January 2015 or in March or April. My thoughts about being
molested in the breezeway, and in my father's bedroom closet, turned
out to be false, after I thought about them for a while.
Thinking
about possibly being abused in the breezeway of my family's house,
eventually resulted in me realizing that those “memories”, as
well as the “memories” of being molested in my father's closet,
are false (and probably attributable to much less stressful events
which occurred in those locations). But thinking about why penny
loafers were on my mind, caused me to remember that my parents, and
the school, had made me wear penny loafer shoes as a child. It wasn't
primarily that penny loafers made me uncomfortable; I found some
consolation and “coolness” in the fact that I could wear money on
my shoes openly. But it was the other clothing, which the adults
around me wanted me to wear, that bothered me.
I
remember being pressured to wear penny loafers, and other
uncomfortable, ill-fitting and tight-fitting clothing. I remember
being “rewarded” for wearing them, by being called “cute” by
my parents and their friends. Students had to dress that way for
musical productions, and other social events (such as golf outings).
I had to dress that way on the evening of Incident #17, in order to
dress appropriately enough to have dinner in a restaurant of the
Union League Club Hotel in Chicago. During that incident – when my
father was with me in our hotel room helping me get changed for
dinner – my father caressed the back of my head with his fingers,
and I remember beginning to cry.
That
memory of being touched on my head, is the memory which resurfaced
then (in early 2015), and that is the memory which comes up now, when
I think about penny loafers and being expected to wear constrictive,
uncomfortable clothing (which made me look like an adult) as a child.
This memory of being touched on the head by my father, is the same
memory which resurfaced when I heard “I'd Like to Walk Around in
Your Mind” by Vashti Bunyan on the Pandora app on my smartphone,
while taking a bath at my father's house in March 2015.
Before
concluding on the topic of uncomfortable clothing, I also wish to
note that I find it incredibly upsetting, hurtful, and irresponsible
that my father has told me that I should be willing to – in his own
words, verbatim – “prostitute myself” in order to get a job. I
believe that being expected to “prostitute myself” includes
looking the way others want me to, and “prostituting myself” for
a job goes against not only my need for self-expression, but my sense
of morals regarding what is an honorable career and an honorable way
to acquire one. I especially struggle to understand how such
“prostitution for a job” could help someone at all; because as a
child, I was rewarded for being “cute”, and for dressing like an
adult, by having adults get a little too close to me. At worst, my
reward for being “cute” – in the case of Incident #17 – was
being caressed on the back of the head against my will (and possibly
more abuse which followed that, which I am still unable to recall).
Dressing children like adults, in ill-fitting clothing, and telling
them to prostitute themselves in order to get jobs, may produce
someone who is well-adjusted for submitting, but it doesn't produce
someone who is well-adjusted to being independent, nor someone who is
confident in his appearance and self-esteem.
Those
events – hearing Alan Watts ask a question, hearing Vashti Bunyan's
song, remembering the smell of Nintendo game cartridges (evoking the
smell of the basement room in which the abuse occurred), and
remembering portions of what happened during Incident #17 – are all
the important early examples wherein I realized I had been abused,
and then began to remember the first of the true memories of the
abuse which I have recovered.
The
preceding accounts are all the instances between mid-2014 and April
2015 in which I reported and recovered false thoughts and true
memories of serious abuse by my father. But they are, by no means,
the only instances in which I recovered true memories of abuse.
Hearing Watts and Bunyan were just footnotes, and early important
examples, in what has turned out to be a five-year-long process of
recovering lost and repressed memories.
I
also watched the films Anastasia and Ferngully in
2015, and The
Sword in the Stone and Once
Upon a Forest later,
in order to try to help recover memories of my childhood from between
the ages of five and ten years old. I did this because those were
some of my favorite movies growing up, and I thought that watching
them would help me connect with the memories, and state of mind,
which I had around the ages at which I noticed gaps in my memory.
I
recovered the basic set of memories of Incidents #2 through #13 some
time in the late spring or early summer of 2017. I recovered more
memories about those incidents in late 2019, especially during the
last three months of 2019 (while composing this report).
[Note:
I am not sure what the legal standards are, regarding how to prove
that I “reasonably” realized, or should have realized, that the
abuse had occurred (in the language of the Illinois criminal code,
“discovers or through the use of reasonable diligence should
discover”), but I should note that the fact that I didn't recover
memories of unwanted tickling until 2017, probably means that I am
still well within the five-year deadline of reporting the incidents
of abuse.]
It's
difficult to say exactly when I recovered those memories, because my
father had “tickled” my genitals so many times, that the memories
were “just beneath the surface” of my conscious mind, and easy to
access. A short time after recovering those memories of unwanted
sexual tickling, I told my mother that my father had molested me
after catching me in “the triangle” formed by his legs and the
back of the couch.
After
becoming aware of these memories, and before and after disclosing
them, I engaged in a form of “reality testing”, in order to
discern whether these memories of being tickled against my will, were
real or not. I latched onto the memory of sitting in “the
triangle”, which I experienced plenty of times before and without
being molested. I latched onto this memory because I'm absolutely
positive that I sat there many times, and because I suspected
(correctly) that remembering sitting in “the triangle” would help
me remember part of (and eventually, nearly all of) the details of
what would happen next.
I
can vividly remember the feeling of being trapped by my father's
legs, scooped up in his arms, and tickled and jabbed at all over my
body while he shook me and held me down so that I would be unable to
resist. Thinking about my father inflicting this unwanted sexual
touching upon me, evokes and provokes a strong feeling with me; an
urge to resist physically. I think about having my legs clamped-down
on by my father's legs, my arms held back by his hands, and my lungs
and ribs being compressed while he groped my genitals, and I have the
same thoughts and reactions which I had then: “Try to push and swat
his hands away, and cover my crotch so he can't touch my genitals any
more.” While being molested, I did that; while remembering it, I
feel an impulse in my mind to do that, but I do not make any physical
moves when I feel that impulse because I am a sane adult who is in
control of his reactions and not governed by fleeting emotions nor
whims.
After
recovering memories of unwanted sexual tickling on my family's
basement couch, I “tested reality” and tested my own memory, in
order to distinguish the false thoughts from the true memories;
resulting in the realization that the memories of unwanted “tickling”
were real, and the realization that I can still – on some level –
physically “feel” the abuse, when I think about it.
The
urge to put up a physical resistance, which I have felt whenever I
have thought about and visualized the manner in which my father
molested and restrained me, makes me 100% confident that these
memories are accurate, and also confident that that my father
intentionally kept my arms away from my crotch so that he could touch
my genitals without resistance.
That
is what I needed to do to confirm, in my conscious mind, that the
thoughts I was experiencing were true memories, rather than intrusive
thoughts which I realized later were false (as in the examples of the
closet, the breezeway, and forced oral sex). I am more confident
about what happened during Incidents #2 through #13, than I am about
any of the other incidents which I described.
I
am still trying to figure out if several images are real, however. I
have an image in my mind, of myself at a very young age, being forced
to kneel in my bedroom, while facing the mirror on my dresser. In
this image, my brother is kneeling to my right, and we are both
naked. I feel like my father told us to disrobe and kneel, while
looking at the mirror, as a way to distract us while he molested us
from behind. I have no vivid memory of this happening – in terms of
either remembering how the possible abuse felt, nor in terms of it
provoking a physical response – so I suspect that this did not
happen. However, I can't be sure that it didn't happen, because I
also know that I experienced incidents of unwanted genital touching
which I blanked-out for entire decades at a time. So the fact that I
can't remember any more than what I described, doesn't make me feel
any more certain that that was not another incident of abuse (and, if
it was, then it was perhaps the earliest one).
9f.
How Concern Regarding Potential Legal Obstacles Has Delayed My
Reporting of the Abuse
One
reason why I have delayed my reporting of the sexual abuse I suffered
at the hands of my father, concerns my lack of knowledge and
expertise regarding what the laws in Illinois surrounding the various
types of child sexual abuse and the reporting thereof.
Additionally,
the following facts have also made it difficult for me to come
forward as early as I would have liked to: 1) the fact that I know
little about how gag orders work, and that I don't know whether or
when I might be subject to one; and 2) the fact that my father is an
attorney, and an influential one at that, and also someone who is
likely to know any judge who may be asked to serve in this case.
The
main legal obstacle which could have made it difficult if I had
attempted to come forward about the abuse any earlier, was the fact
that I believed that the Illinois statute of limitations for
reporting the abuses I suffered, had expired.
However,
if I am not mistaken now, I was wrong then, and I was thinking about
a slightly different crime, whose statute of limitations had expired.
Whatever the case, Illinois repealed a statute of limitations
concerning some form of child sexual abuse, in 2003, and I became
aware, through finding out about that repeal, that I could still file
charges against my father.
In
mid-2019, I believed that I had until I turned thirty-eight (38)
years old – that is, that I had within twenty years after turning
eighteen (18) – to report the abuses, because that was my reading
of the laws at the time. That reading was incorrect, however, as the
2003 Illinois law set that limit at ten years after becoming an
adult. I cannot even say that I know for sure whether this law
applies to my case; I think it does, though.
I
suspect that I have either until the first week in January 2020, or
else some time in spring or summer 2022, to come forward and report
these incidents of abuse; depending on when I “reasonably” should
have known that the abuse had occurred. I am not sure what
constitutes “reasonable diligence” in discovering “that the act
of childhood sexual abuse occurred” (to use the language found in
ILCS § 5/13-202.2), and I am not sure what is “sufficient to
start the discovery period”. Nor am I sure what “through the use
of reasonable diligence should discover” means, exactly (see Image
#16 in Section 14 of this report for more information about statutes
of limitations on reporting childhood sex crimes in Illinois).
Furthermore,
there may be a new law, regarding statute of limitations on reporting
childhood sexual abuse, which could take effect on January 1st,
2020 (the day after I am filing this report). I am coming forward now
because I want to make sure that I don't pass a five-year deadline
(if it exists), and I want to make sure that I file this report
before the law changes in a way that alters or revokes my legal
privileges to file a police report and to press charges.
That
lack of knowledge is why I am coming forward; I need the assistance
of legal counsel to help me determine how and when I can pursue these
charges.
However,
I believe that, if necessary or required, I will be able to produce
evidence that I have physical injuries and emotional traumas, and
that they resulted from the childhood sexual abuse which my father
inflicted upon me (as well as from his emotional abuse, intimidation,
and manipulation). I also have this written statement, which I hope
will be considered the first piece of evidence in the discovery
process (or, if not that, then this statement should at least be the
basis for a police report).
I
am willing to testify in open court, and willing to produce more
verbal statements and police reports, about my accusations against my
father; and I am willing to answer any questions which police
investigators and the defense team may have for me. I intend to call
several witnesses to corroborate the circumstances surrounding the
incidents of abuse (which I believe will help jurors understand that
my father had ample opportunity to commit the acts of sexual abuse,
and condoned several other forms of sexually creepy behavior).
Another
potential legal obstacle which has contributed to my hesitation in
coming forward, is the facts that I do not know much about how gag
orders work, and that I do not understand the laws regarding libel
and slander.
I
am not sure what I am legally allowed to say regarding my father,
before what I want to say has been proven in court. I would like to
go through the proper legal channels which are necessary to report
these abuses, and pursue a case against my abuser. I am making this
statement because I need the assistance of legal counsel to help me
determine what I can say, outside of this statement, without risking
being subject to punitive consequences.
9g.
How Concern About My Father's Professional Ties Has Delayed My
Reporting of the Abuse
Two
additional factors which have made it difficult for me to come
forward earlier, concern my father's profession, and his social and
professional ties to other attorneys and judges in Lake County,
Illinois.
My
father is attorney in private practice, and a member of the Lake
County Bar Association (L.C.B.A.). He specializes in personal injury,
criminal defense, medical negligence, and other areas of law. He
works at the Law Offices of Richard S. Kopsick, P.C., located at 415
Washington Street, Suite 207, in Waukegan, Illinois. From June 2004
to June 2005, my father served as the President of the Lake County
Bar Association (L.C.B.A.). Since the BAR Association is the most
powerful and populous attorneys' union in the country, President of
the L.C.B.A. is the highest level of leadership and power, in
attorneys' professional associations, which is attainable in Lake
County, Illinois.
The
fact that my father is a former L.C.B.A. president, and a successful
attorney – with many connections to circles of judges, prosecutors,
defense attorneys, and police officers, in the counties of Lake and
Cook (in Illinois) alike – causes me significant concern about my
chances at getting a fair trial in Lake County. This is especially
so, considering the fact that any judge who might be called to serve
in my case, has probably met my father already, or at least heard of
him. This means that it will likely be very difficult to avoid a
potential conflict of interest, in the judicial selection process for
this case.
Despite
the odds being stacked against me, I am pursuing these charges. I am
doing so, because I feel that I owe it to myself to do so; first,
because I may be the only person with legal standing to do so (aside
from, possibly, my brother). Merely asking my father to admit what he
did, would result in no more people knowing the truth; and turning
himself in would be useless, because there is no warrant out for his
arrest, so he would almost certainly not be booked if he tried to
turn himself in. I have standing to press charges against him, and
that is what I am doing, because I don't need permission from anyone
(neither victim nor aggressor) to hold my child molester responsible
and accountable for his criminal actions.
I
am also pursuing these charges because I feel that I owe it to the
community which has supported myself, my father, and his business. I
know that the residents of Waukegan, Lake Bluff, etc.,
would be very interested to find out that an influential attorney in
their community – at that, one who once headed the county's Bar
Association – molested his own son when his son was aged eight and
nine. The residents of Lake County, Illinois would probably take
their business elsewhere if they knew that.
It's
not that I want to see my father's business suffer; I don't. My
father derives his income from that law office, and so does my
mother, who works as his secretary. I am not filing a report against
my father in order to sabotage his business; on the contrary, I do
not want money out of this, and I don't like seeing my mother
struggle financially.
All
I want is the following: 1) for my father to publicly admit what he
did; 2) for my mother and I to be able to support ourselves
independently, without having to shut up and pretend everything is
fine, in order to keep my child-molesting father happy; 3) for my
father to get the punishment and/or psychological counseling which he
so badly and clearly needs; and 4) to be able to rest easily, knowing
that child custody attorneys and G.A.L.s (Guardians
Ad Litem)
associated with my father, are not having their morals about what
constitutes child abuse, nor their opinions about me, negatively
influenced by my father.
It
would certainly be unfortunate if being around my father has made it
more difficult for other attorneys to detect pedophiles and child
molesters in their midst. I would also hate to allow the legal
community of Lake County to continue to think it is acceptable to let
child molesters to get off with reading about why child abuse is bad,
and doing community service instead of hard time in prison, simply
because they've been a provider for, or caretaker of, the child, in
the past. As I explained, my father used gifts and bribery – and
shame, guilt, and manipulation – to make my mother and I dependent
upon him, and to deter us from criticizing his emotional abuse (and
his other upsetting behaviors). Child sexual abuse is a serious
crime, and it cannot be resolved nor forgiven through activities such
as reading a pamphlet (which to a psychopathic abuser may inspire
absolutely no remorse nor introspection whatsoever), nor can it be
resolved through settling monetary with the victim (which, like
gifts, only serves to purchase the victim's silence).
I
worry that my father's friends believe that I am insane, and/or
spiteful and vengeful about some unnamed past wrong perpetrated by my
father, and I worry that they think that I hate my father (or at
least, that I don't get along with him) for absolutely no reason. I
do not hate my father, but I suspect that he hates me, because that's
the only logical explanation for the fact that he molested me when I
was eight and nine years old.
Even
if my father doesn't hate me, he molested me; it's possible for child
molesters to offend against children without having any hatred for
them, nor attraction to them. What my father did to me was probably
the result of a power trip, which had a secondary benefit to him, of
sexual gratification. The possibility that sexual gratification might
not have been his main goal, however, does not make what he did any
less harmful, nor any less innately sexual; and it has nonetheless
left me with the impression that my father hates me.
I
would like to come forward about my father's sexual abuse, but I
cannot in good conscience go forward with the case, if there is any
chance that judges, attorneys, or police officers who know my father,
will be involved in the case. These include current Lake County judge
Victoria Rossetti, attorney Doug Zeit, attorney and Guardian
Ad Litem Joseph
McKeown, prosecutor Steve Scheller, former Lake Bluff police officers
Carl Schons and Dan Dunn, and others.
9h.
How Concern About My Father's Potential Reaction Has Made it
Difficult to Cease Contact with Him
Looking
back on things, I grew up not really remembering the full reason why
I didn't get along with my father; now I know that it was because he
had sexually abused me, and had subsequently embarked on a more than
twenty-year-long campaign to subtly smear and silence me, while also
pretending he was trying to raise me to have self-esteem and
independence. Everything he did eroded my self-esteem and
independence.
I
must explain how and why the difficulties which I have encountered in
trying to become financially independent from my father, and why the
difficulties I've encountered in trying to decrease and cease contact
with him, have contributed to why I did not report these crimes
earlier.
To
be clear, before continuing: I want to decrease and cease contact
with my father. I want that, not because I hold some grudge against
him, nor because I hate him. My father suspects that I hate him and
hold a grudge against him. He has told me that many times, since I
was about 13 years old. He feels like I hate him, and he thinks that
I blame him for everything that has ever gone wrong in my life. He
would also insist to me, “You think I'm the biggest asshole who's
ever lived.” Again, he told me these things verbatim, multiple
times throughout my teenage and adult life, despite the fact that I
have never said such a thing to him.
I
do not hate my father, nor do I blame him for everything bad that's
ever happened to me, nor have I ever told him that I think he's an
asshole. In fact, when I would tell him thinks like “I don't hate
you” or “I never called you an asshole”, he would keep on
insisting that I did hate him. My father responded as though he would
rather be correct that I thought he was an asshole, than reassured by
my statements that I didn't hate him. My father chose not to believe
me; he needed to incite drama, and fabricate pretend attacks that
never happened, in order to make it seem like he was under a constant
state of emotional attack by me. This was what was necessary to
protect his ego.
I
believe that the reason why my father has said those things to me, is
that he feels like he needs to defend himself. Maybe he knows that he
did something wrong when he molested me, and he wants to distract
from that molestation by fabricating some new conflict between
himself and me (over and over again). Growing up, if I criticized or
questioned him, he would overstate and exaggerate the nature of that
criticism and questioning, to make it out to seem like I was
attacking him, or even criticizing or questioning or challenging his
very existence. My father would take every disagreement we had, and
then make it look like an attack, turn it into a fight, and
overreact. In so doing, he succeeded in making himself look like the
victim.
That
is what my father did to manufacture a new conflict between us, every
single time I challenged him while in my teens and twenties. Every
time I opened my mouth to question or criticize him – or even asked
him to explain his reasoning before I agreed to do something he told
me to do, just so I would understand it better – he would respond
almost as if I had told him that I hated him, or that I wished I had
never been born. He perceived every criticism and question as a
direct attack on his credibility, which threatens him because without
his reputation, he is nothing more than an alcoholic domestic abuser.
I
have always been as submissive and accommodating as I can possibly be
towards my father. I could not possibly be any more submissive,
without becoming either a mouse, or else invisible.
I
am seeking legal recourse to the abuses I suffered, because I find it
practically impossible to heal my relationship with my father by
myself, or even with the help of family members. My family always
makes it out as though I'm the one who has to learn to accept my
father the way he is; they say “That's just the way he is”, “He's
like that with everyone”, and “You can't change people”. It is
additionally difficult for me to “heal my relationship” with my
father, because now that I have recovered the memories of the
molestation which I suffered, and told my mother and father about it
directly to their faces, reconciliation with my father is (in my
opinion) now impossible without direct legal intervention to
facilitate it.
The
idea that our problems can be reconciled, implies that our conflict
is ongoing; but it is only ongoing in the sense that it is
unresolved. The conflict stems from a series of incidents of
molestation; therefore, the only things which will resolve and end
the conflict, is the revelation and admission of the facts that that
molestation occurred; and, following that, the resolution of legal
matters regarding the events which occurred during those incidents of
sexual abuse.
Furthermore,
the idea that I can “end” the conflict (i.e., the
lack of resolution and closure regarding the incidents of sexual
abuse which I suffered) by decreasing or ceasing communication with
my father, has proven to be difficult, all but impossible, and false.
Ceasing contact with my father, and becoming fully independent of
him, has proven to be an insurmountable obstacle.
My
father pays for a car (a blue Kia Forte) which I use, which is leased
from a Kia dealer (Classic Kia at 425 North Green Bay Road, Gurnee)
and he also pays for my car insurance. The last thing I want is to be
called ungrateful or unappreciative for refusing to accept that gift,
or for returning it. And my father implied that I was ungrateful for
the car on the day that he gave it to me. He asked me if I liked the
car, and I probably said a simple “Yeah” without much excitement
in my voice (which I did because I knew that my father hates
outbursts of emotion). My father responded, in an almost
angry-sounding way, “I think it's pretty fuckin' cool.” I thought
his response was strange; I have never understood how to show
gratitude for my father's gifts without him becoming angry and
without me feeling shame for not expressing my gratitude.
In
order to cease all contact with my father, it will be necessary to
return the car which he leases for me. I would like to return that
car, not only to reduce contact with my father, but also to avoid any
possible criticism which could be leveled against me, by those who
may suspect that I am making these charges up because I am spoiled
and want more money and gifts. That is absolutely not the case; every
gift from my father is “an offer I can't refuse”, and I cannot
wait to stop being influenced and manipulated by them.
I
am not asking for monetary nor material compensation, I will only
seek such compensation if it is the only way to produce a judgment of
guilt against my father, and if that is necessary, then I will seek
the minimum amount which the law allows (whether that's a penny, a
dollar, twenty dollars, or whatever it may be). I will do this to
communicate that this is about principles and justice, not rewards; I
do not want my father's money, I just want my child molester in jail
(and to get psychiatric treatment).
I
would gladly give up the car - and start taking the bus to work, or
start taking taxicabs or Uber, or buy a cheap car from one of my
friends - in order to become more independent from my father.
However, I also know my father well enough to be able to say that if
I returned the car to my father's garage, he would suspect that
something was up, and he would probably start asking questions. He
might even tell my mother that he thinks I returned the car because I
hate him, or am harboring resentment against him. If I spoke to him
about it directly and in person, he would probably do the exact same
thing, but sooner and more quickly and angrily.
I
am composing this statement, and filing a police report, before
attempting to return the car to my father, because I know that if I
return the car, my father will begin to suspect that I am attempting
to become fully financially independent from him, and/or that I am
attempting to cease contact with him (which is true). I want to avoid
tipping my father off, because I am confident that returning the car
to him will cause a backlash against me, and might even cause my
father to re-launch his smear campaign against my character.
At
the very least, he would probably guilt-trip me for either not
accepting his gift, or describe me as ungrateful or unappreciative. I
say this because he routinely did so during my childhood and
adulthood; offering me what I have always described as “gifts with
strings attached”, which I believe are intended to help maintain
his control over me and my decisions.
One
more reason why I did not come forward about the abuse as soon as I
could have, pertains to the manner in which my father coerced my
mother into dependence upon him.
My
father's successful manipulation of my mother into dependence, has
served to make my mother into one of what are sometimes called
“Flying Monkeys”, the “helper monkeys” of narcissists who
defend them and make excuses for them. My mother has helped my father
shame me into accepting my father's gifts, and into refusing to
criticize my father on account of those gifts and his financial
support.
9i.
Why I Am Coming Forward Now
I
am coming forward now because I have just recently finished resolving
the obstacles which prevented me from coming forward. Those obstacles
included lack of sufficient legal knowledge about Criminal Sexual
Abuse, gag orders, and slander; and the fact that I had not yet
produced this statement. I have researched the laws and written about
them in this statement, in order to “kill two birds with one
stone”.
In
2003, Illinois passed a law which states that adults whom were abused
as children, have five years after discovering that they were abused,
to report the crimes. If I have explained the law correctly here,
this means that I have until January 2020 to report the abuses.
That's because the first time I knew that my father molested me was
in the first few days or weeks January 2015. I might have until March
or April 2020, however; because it wasn't until March or April 2015
that the first vivid memories of being touched on the back of my head
(during Incident #17) surfaced. Either way, I am completing this
statement in late December of 2019, so that five-year limit is still
either at least a day away, or else three or four months away, or two
years away (if you consider that the most important memories were
recovered in spring or summer 2017), so I am still within the window
of opportunity to file a report.
The
law passed in 2003 – ILCS § 5/13-202.2 (b) – reads
as follows: “...an action for damages for personal injury based on
childhood sexual abuse must be commenced within 10 years of the date
[a person turns 18] or within 5 years of the date the person abused
discovers or through the use of reasonable diligence should discover
both (I) that the act of childhood sexual abuse occurred and (ii)
that the injury was caused by the childhood sexual abuse. The fact
that the person abused discovers or through the use of reasonable
diligence should discover that the act of childhood sexual abuse
occurred is not by itself, sufficient to start the discovery period
under this subsection (b). Knowledge of the abuse does not constitute
discovery of the injury or the causal relationship between any
later-discovered injury and the abuse.” More information about the
2003 Illinois law can be found at the following web
address: http://corporate.findlaw.com/litigation-disputes/the-statute-of-limitations-for-childhood-sexual-abuse-in-illinois.html.
That
five year limit (on reporting the abuse after discovering it) does
not apply, however, if the abuser used “threats, intimidation,
manipulation, or fraud” against the victim. I will explain later in
this statement, in which forms of intimidation, manipulation, and
fraud my father engaged; I suspect, in order to keep me quiet about
the abuse. I cannot remember my father threatening me in any direct
manner, but the intimidation, manipulation, and fraud which I
experienced, could arguably be construed to constitute indirect
threats.
As
I explained, a legal obstacle which has delayed my reporting of the
abuse until now, is the fact that I have had, and am still having,
difficulty understanding the laws concerning when and how I can
report the abuses which were inflicted upon me.
I
am making this statement and filing a police report, before 2020
begins and the five-year reporting limit passes, in order to make
sure that I am not reporting the crimes outside of the window of
opportunity in which I can legally do so. According to my reading of
the current laws on the matter, if I am unable to prove that my
father used threats, intimidation, manipulation, or fraud; then I
must file charges before January 2020, or March or April 2020, if I
wish to hold my abuser responsible.
There
are probably additional laws on the books in Illinois which provide
for the punishment of people who knowingly withhold information about
abuse in a manner which serves to hide, protect, or provide cover for
those who commit child sexual abuse. If I can be held legally
responsible for failing to report these crimes, then I wish to
profusely apologize, and swear that I did not do so intentionally,
and especially not with malice of forethought. I do not wish to be
charged with a misdemeanor or felony for providing aid, shelter,
comfort, assistance, or any further appeasement, to my abuser; that
is why I am coming forward now, which was as soon as I could
reasonably come forward with a detailed written statement to back me
up.
That
is why I am reporting these abuses now, without knowing for sure
whether I am legally obligated to do so; I am also coming forward
because I admit that I need the assistance of legal counsel to make a
more informed decision about when and how to report these crimes and
how I can hold my abuser accountable.
My
father has seized on each and every opportunity to bribe me into
silence, and into doing what he wants, with conditional gifts. He has
also engaged in verbal and physical intimidation (as well as fraud
and manipulation) to keep me in a state of denial, confusion, and
silence, about what he did to me as a child.
Child
abuse can occur through deprivation, but spoiling a child is child
abuse too. Especially if you spoil the child in order to control
them, like by offering them gifts which they can only have if they
agree to other conditions which they wouldn't accept in the absence
of such coercion and ultimatums.
I
believe that if I were, right now, fully financially independent from
my father, I would have even fewer qualms about coming forward about
the abuse. My concern is that people will think I am making these
stories up because I am ungrateful for my father's gifts, and for his
paying for my car. But I repeat: I am not after my father's money,
these stories are absolutely true, and I know that I am being
pressured into continuing to accept gifts from my father. It hurts my
heart to continue to accept these gifts, and it causes me a sense of
moral conflict. I want this pattern to stop as soon as possible, but
I cannot stop it on my own.
My
primary concern, in filing this report, is not for the destruction of
my father's business, nor for the preservation of my own ego and
reputation. My primary concerns are about: 1) past victims of child
sexual abuse in Lake County, who may have to suffer through being
represented by an attorney whose morality concerning child sexual
abuse is colored by my father's embrace of that problem; 2) the
possibility that my father, the defendant, may sexually abuse someone
else in the future; and 3) my father's mental state, and his need of
psychological counseling.
I
suspect that my father may have some sort of superiority complex,
and/or an inferiority complex, as well as a victim complex, resulting
in a martyrdom complex. He sees himself as deserving something more
than what he has, which he can never have; probably because he lost
his mother at a young age and had to grow up quickly. He probably
believes that he is a victim, due to the sense of abandonment which
his mother's death made him feel, and believes that as a victim the
world owed him a mother. I believe that my father's being overpowered
by his older brother and his younger (but nonetheless strong)
brother, contributed to his feelings of inferiority, and to his need
to overcome those feelings of inferiority by controlling others
physically (and, to a lesser extent, manipulating them socially).
I
also worry about my father's ability to serve a morally purposeful
life, and his ability to understand morality in the first place.
I
fear that my father's world-view is too pragmatic to be anything
other than an outlook which is ultimately self-serving and
self-excusing (and justifying of his own past crimes). He certainly
has enough of a moral purpose to want to do his job, but I worry that
he also suffers from a sort of cognitive dissonance regarding his
obligation to serve clients to the best of his ability, especially in
regard to times when “going above and beyond” to do so, isn't
necessarily called for, nor in the interest of justice. He also hates
being criticized, and takes criticism and questioning extremely
personally; almost as if it were an attack on his very life or
well-being.
I
worry that my father has no sense of morality, and that he is a
nihilist. In fact, he told me on Christmas 2019 that he doesn't know
whether there is a difference between right and wrong. Granted, he
was speaking about factual matters, but that still doesn't make
sense; things are either true, or they're false. My father might have
been speaking in a moral sense as well. I am concerned that my father
doesn't concern himself with other people's needs, except insofar as
their needs can be manipulated in a way that serves my father's goals
of gaining control over people and being accepted socially.
My
father suffers from a total lack of realization that the way he
treats people needs to qualitatively change, and a need to maintain
the illusion that he is an innocent, honorable, and accomplished
person. Since I was a teenager, I have struggled to communicate this
to him; first regarding his relationship with my mother, then
regarding his relationship with me and other people.
My
father's parenting style showed, time and time again, his utter
contempt and disregard for his children's needs of bodily autonomy
and privacy. Perhaps emotionally, physically, and sexually abusing
me, were his forms of misdirected revenge, for that trauma which he
suffered as a teenager, when his mother died.
Perhaps
most importantly, I want those of my father's friends who have
children, and I want my brother Michael – whom is due to have a
baby with his wife some time in May 2020 – to know what my father
did to me, so that they can keep their children away from him, to
prevent their children from suffering a fate similar to the one which
I suffered in 1995 and 1996.
It
especially worries me that I know my nephew is a boy, because I am a
male as well, and my father preyed on me. I know that if my father is
allowed to remain a free man, I will always have to defend my nephew
from him, or else I will have to convince my brother that he has to
defend his son because my father is the threat which I claim he is.
The
fact that my father has had a vasectomy since molesting me, might
mean that he has less of an urge or an impulse to want or “need”
to commit sexual abuse against male children, but the vasectomy
doesn't make it impossible for him to do such a thing. For all I
know, I am the only person whom my father ever molested; but for all
I know, he also could have molested my brother, or perhaps other
children. Maybe, like the way he molested me, he could have molested
them so viciously that they didn't remember who did it, or didn't
remember it happening at all. Whatever the case, I'm certain that I
won't find out, unless I file charges against my father concerning
what I personally observed (and experienced) him doing to me.
I
believe that my father continuing to be a free man, constitutes a
standing threat to the physical autonomy and integrity, and sexual
innocence and purity, of all male children who may be around him. My
father is a standing threat to boys, whom will not be fully
neutralized, until he is in jail or prison. I will not be held
responsible for following my father around for the rest of his life,
making sure that he does not abuse my nephew, and other children whom
he may encounter.
Although
fraud, intimidation, and manipulation were all present in my case,
it's possible that I might fail to satisfactorily demonstrate that
they occurred. That is why I am reporting these abuses now; before
the new year and before January of 2020 begins.
At
the time of the composition of this statement, and the filing of my
report against my father, it has still been less than five years
since I recovered the lost and repressed memories, and discovering
the abuse; that happened in January, March, and April 2015. Since the
process of discovering evidence of Criminal Sexual Abuse must begin
within five years of discovering the abuse, that means that I should
be within the authorized time frame to file a police report on this
matter.
The
final reason why I am coming forward now, is that I know that if I
wait any longer to file a police report and seek justice from my
aggressor, I will effectively waive my right to do so thereafter, in
the eyes of the law. I don't want to be accused of either passively
waiving my right to hold my abuser accountable; nor do I wish to be
accused of “asking for”, nor welcoming, the abuse.
I
witnessed and experienced these acts of Criminal Sexual Abuse, I
might be the only witness, and I have an obligation to talk about
what I saw and felt, and the way I was touched. To my knowledge, I am
the only person with standing to do so. The safe bet would be to
report the crimes, whether they can be prosecuted or not, because
those abuses did happen, and I will only have myself to blame for
what happens if I fail to come forward in time to hold my abuser
responsible.
In
summary, I'm coming forward to set the record straight; I'm coming
forward because I want to make it known what my father did to me, and
in so doing, I want to hold him accountable. Those are my only goals
in all of this; to achieve a justiciable – and, most importantly to
me, peaceful and violence-free – resolution to this conflict in
which my father admits wrongdoing (and then, also, to get him the
psychological counseling that he needs).
I
am coming forward because, despite the odds stacked against me
(i.e., as
much as half of the legal community of Lake County potentially being
on my father's side), I owe it to myself to try to get justice for
what happened to me; not only for myself, but for the safety of the
community. Additionally, I owe it to the community to explain how my
father tricked me into getting molested and manipulated me into
staying quiet, so that the residents of Lake County can learn to
notice signs that a child is trying to communicate that an adult has
committed an act of unwanted touching against them (which the child
may be incapable of even recognizing as sexual).
I'm
coming forward because I have the duty to report this abuse, because
even if I can't go to jail for failing to disclose this abuse, I am
not sure that I won't be punished later in life, or in the afterlife,
for protecting a child molester. Child molesters belong in mental
health facilities and prisons, not representing people in courtrooms
and running law offices. I am not going to behave like a whore who
was paid to shut up after sex, and continue to be quiet about my
father's “indiscretions”. I want to disclose the abuse, and I
want people to know that he molested me, because he did, and it's a
fact, and he broke the law, and he victimized me.
I
spent the last twenty-three years in silence about my father's
molestation; first I repressed memories of the abuse until I was
unable to remember them, then I suffered all kinds of social and
communication problems due to my father's ongoing emotional abuse,
and then finally I had to spent several years struggling to recover
memories, while sorting the true from the false, and having to worry
about whether true memories would come out of my mouth when I tried
to report the abuse. I know now what happened to me, and now that it
is written down, what happened to me now exists in physical form
which I can carry around with me, and I can be silent about the
incidents of abuse no longer.
I
allowed my father to turn twenty-three years of my life into a long
attempt to hide a child molester and shield him from justice (by
allowing him to intimidate and manipulate me into refraining from
criticizing him). I will not spend the rest of my life protecting any
child molester, especially not my own.
Aside
from having the duty to report this abuse, I also have the right to
do so, both legally and in terms of innate human rights and the
rights of a victim. Furthermore, it would, frankly, be both
unpatriotic of me, and unappreciative of the State of Illinois's
reforms, not to report this abuse, after the state's statutes of
limitations on reporting this crime had changed so as to allow me to
come forward. I'm referring to the changes in the law which occurred
in 2003; as well as to the fact that, from 1991 to 1993, Illinois law
prohibited the commencement of childhood sexual abuse lawsuits by
people over the age of 30.
If
laws limiting the reporting of childhood sexual abuse by adults,
hadn't been repealed and amended in 1993 and 2003, then I would have
no legal standing on which to come forward.
I
am coming forward about this abuse, because it is likely the only way
to repair the frayed relations between myself, the members of my
immediate family, and other more distant relatives. I want my father
to admit to my mother and my brother that he molested me.
This
will almost certainly cause a strain in my relationship with my
brother, but I am not worried about that because: 1) that
relationship is already strained, and wouldn't be made much worse by
suspicions of false accusations of abuse; and 2) that strain will not
last long, because eventually my brother will realize that I am
telling the truth, and when that happens, his suspicions about me
will go away, and he will realize that most of the animosity between
he and I are the fault of my father's abuse.
My
father has destroyed my ability to get along with nearly every member
of my family, because I seem to hate my father for no reason, and
none of my family members except for my mother knows that I only seem
to “hate” my father because he molested me. I have been taking
out emotional aggression against my loved ones, and I cannot stop
myself from doing this as long as my father cannot level with me
about the abuse, or admit to what he did.
I
want justice because the only way for my family to have its son
back (i.e., me),
is for them to finally understand what has been troubling me all
these years, and how truly horrible my father's mistreatment of me
has been (which they have typically doubted, downplayed, or
disregarded).
Finally,
I'm coming forward now, because I have all the information I need,
and because I suspect that if I were to wait any longer to finish
this statement and file a police report, I would not be any more
likely to recover any additional memories which I have not yet
recovered. What I have described, is all the information I can
divulge about what I remember, without risking saying something that
I'm not positive about.
I
swear that these statements are 100% true, to the best of my
recollection; any errors or misstatements found were not intentional,
nor have I attempted to commit libel in any of my statements.
10. Aggravating
Factors Include Fraud, Intimidation, and Manipulation
10a.
Introduction
Between
Incident #1 (which occurred in 1992) and Incident #17 (which occurred
in the last month of 1996), my father engaged in fraud in order to
trick me into getting close enough to him for him to grab a hold of
me and molest me again. He also intimidated me into getting near him
after I could not be tricked into doing so any longer, and he
intimidated me into accepting unwanted sexual touching during that
abuse. He also manipulated me into staying quiet and being alone most
of the time; I believe in order to reduce the chance that I might
talk to someone about the abuse.
Between
January 1997 (the month after the abuse ended) and February 2018
(when I moved out of his house), my father engaged in fraud,
intimidation, and various forms of manipulation, in order to keep me
in a state of silence and confusion about what he had done to me in
1995 and 1996.
Between
some of the incidents of abuse, my father committed fraud in order to
get away with more sexual abuse. After the sexual abuse ended, my
father committed additional fraud – through gaslighting – to keep
me in a state of confusion about whether the abuse had happened at
all. He also engaged in physical and mental intimidation, and made
numerous successful attempts to scare me, both as a child and as an
adult.
Additionally,
my father engaged in a wide variety of manipulative behaviors. These
have included shaming, pressuring, and guilt-tripping me. My father
has also manipulated me into remaining silent about the abuse he
inflicted upon me; by censoring me; by monitoring, limiting, and
spying on my communications; and by forcing me into a state of social
alienation, isolation and loneliness (thus making it difficult or me
to talk about my problems, let alone the sexual abuse which I had
suffered).
Additional
forms of manipulative behavior in which my father has also engaged,
include depriving me of privacy, teasing and humiliating me publicly,
limiting my contact with my family members, and starting shouting
matches instead of listening to me speak for five seconds.
Moreover,
my father's decision to pay for psychotherapy sessions for me in
early 2015 proved to be counter-productive; in part because my father
insisted on attending the first two sessions, and also because I was
unable to trust any therapist hired by my father. Let alone the fact
that I had not yet recovered any memories which were specific or
vivid enough to report, the fact that that therapist had had an
affair with a patient, made it impossible for me to disclose the
abuse. That's because the environment in which I would have to do so,
was not a trusting environment; it even risked containing my father,
because of my father's insistence on attending the first two out of
five sessions.
The
patterns of fraud, intimidation, and manipulation, in which my father
engaged between 1992 (Incident #1) and February 2018 (when I moved
out of his house) are consistent with the behaviors of a child
molester using “grooming” tactics to defraud and manipulate a
child into repeatedly getting near him, and to then intimidate a
child into refraining from objecting to or reporting the abuse.
My
father's actions amount to what should effectively be considered five
years of on-and-off sexual abuse, followed a twenty-one-year-long
smear campaign against my character, which severely damaged my
ability to communicate and function socially with family, friends,
and acquaintances (and, moreover, to have successful romantic
relationships). By manipulating me into silence and confusion, my
father also coerced me into a state of dependence upon him (for both
material support, and for moderation of and introduction to my social
interactions).
I
believe that my father wants people to think that I hate him, and
that I hate him for no reason, and also that I am lazy and that I
don't like to work; if he can convince people that I don't like
working and I hate him for no reason, then they will think that he
never did anything wrong to me, and that my difficulty maintaining
employment is caused by something other than the communication and
socialization damage which my father inflicted upon me (by shouting
at me, molesting me, and limiting my communications).
The
presence of “threats, intimidation, manipulation, or fraud”,
committed against the victim, aggravates the crime of Criminal Sexual
Abuse, and also causes the five-year limit on reporting abuse after
discovering it, to no longer apply.
Proving
that this fraud, intimidation, and manipulation took place, will be
essential to demonstrating that: 1) there were factors which
accompanied and followed the abuse, which should be construed to
aggravate the seriousness of the offense and the harshness of the
punishment; and 2) the presence of these aggravating factors, means
that the five-year limit on reporting abuse after discovering it,
does not apply in my case, and that therefore, I may have until
January, March, or April of 2020 to report the abuse.
Although
those factors were present, I may fail to satisfactorily demonstrate
the veracity of my claims of fraud, intimidation, and manipulation.
That is why I am reporting these abuses now, before the new year and
before the spring. At the time of the composition of this statement,
and the filing of my report against my father, it has still been less
than five years since I recovered the lost and repressed memories,
and discovering the abuse.
As
per the Illinois criminal code - ILCS § 5/13-202.2 (b) - “...an
action for damages for personal injury based on childhood sexual
abuse must be commenced within 10 years of the date [a person turns
18] or within 5 years of the date the person abused discovers or
through the use of reasonable diligence should discover both (I) that
the act of childhood sexual abuse occurred and (ii) that the injury
was caused by the childhood sexual abuse.”
I
hope that this written statement will suffice as the first piece of
physical evidence that the incidents of Criminal Sexual Abuse which I
described, occurred. I also hope that the submission of this
statement is sufficient grounds for commencing the process of
discovery of evidence. It should, because I have composed and
submitted this statement before five years will have passed since I
realized that the sexual abuse had occurred. Furthermore, I have
composed and submitted this statement before five years and several
additional months will have passed since I began to recover memories
of that sexual abuse which are specific and vivid enough to report in
detail in writing.
10b.
Fraud
My
father committed fraud; both during the abuse, and after the abuse
ended. He committed fraud during the abuse (promising not to touch me
inappropriately again) in order to trick me into getting abused more
times. He committed fraud after the abuse as well; in order to
gaslight me into a state of confusion and denial about what had
happened to me.
[Note
on Gaslighting:
“Gaslighting”
refers to the process by which an emotionally abusive person engages
in psychological tricks to confuse their victim; specifically, by
attempting to implant false memories into the victim's mind, in order
to make them doubt the accuracy of their own memories until they can
no longer trust their own judgment, and must rely on and trust
someone else (usually the person implanting the false memories) to
make sense of reality.
As
I stated earlier, my father would intentionally try to provoke and
upset me, and shout at me, and accuse me of things I didn't do (more
often than anything else, of withholding my grades), or accuse me of
having ulterior motives, in order to get me so aggressively defend
myself that I would begin raising my voice back at him. It's not that
I even had anger in me that made me want to shout; my father would
speak so loudly and angrily, and interrupt so often, that raising my
voice significantly, and over him, was the only way I could be heard.
My
father and I haven't had any serious fights since I moved out of his
house in February 2018, but between 1992 and 2018, my father shouted
at me both frequently and unpredictably. As I explained, I believe
that my father did this for entertainment, and to make himself look
less crazy than I am by comparison.
What
I have just described, isn't exactly the same thing as gaslighting,
because those shouting matches didn't involve any direct attempts to
implant false memories. However, it's still a sort of gaslighting,
because these arguments were conflicts which distracted from the
original problem of the sexual abuse which had occurred. The false
memory which he implanted in my mind, was the problem that the
current conflicts between he and I, were more important than the
preceding abuse. That probably made me doubt whether the abuse had
really happened, and caused me to forget it easily.
What
my father did, might as well be considered gaslighting, since what he
did had the effect of implanting ideas in my mind, rather than false
memories. The ideas that he implanted in my mind were that I must be
guilty of something, and that I was worthless (in addition to the
notion that he had never had any conflict with me prior to whatever
given moment in which we were arguing). Whether he intended to
implant those ideas or not, that was the effect of the way he spoke
to me.
My
father did, at the very least, deliberately attempt to confuse me
about things. For example, whether I had done something I didn't do
(like throw a magazine down the stairs with malice, around the age of
eight). Additionally, whether I meant something mean or nasty by what
I said, when what I said was innocuous. Also, whether I had ulterior
motives when doing normal things which every child does (for example,
trying to get a little bit of privacy in my father's house).
For
as long as I can remember, my father has never trusted me, and I
think that is because he doesn't trust me to keep quiet about the
sexual abuse he inflicted upon me.]
My
father committed fraud during the abuse; to trick me into getting
near him, so that he could molest me again (with minimal resistance,
by having me sort of “walk right into his hands”). As I
explained, some time between Incident #2 (the first time I was
exposed to unwanted sexual touching on our couch in the basement) and
Incident #13 (the last time I was molested on that couch), my father
tricked me into getting molested again.
My
father told me that he wanted me to sit behind his legs on the couch
in the basement; this was nothing out of the ordinary, as I had done
it before. But after I had gotten molested at least once or twice, my
father had to actively coax me into sitting with him. And in order to
do that, he had to first convince me that he was not going to do to
me that time, what he had done to me the previous time (or times);
that is, “tickle” my genitals forcefully.
It
is my opinion that my father's actions – in promising that he
wouldn't repeat the abuse (which occurred at least once, but maybe
even two or three times) – constituted fraud. He betrayed me and
lied to me, by molesting me again, after he had promised not to.
Judging by his behavior, I believe that he did this deliberately, in
order to trick me into getting near him, so that he could inflict
unwanted touching upon my genitals, yet again, with minimal effort
being exuded on his part to capture me.
I
also have memories of my father creating distractions and diversions,
to get me to look away – for example, out of the basement window,
or somewhere else in the basement – so that he could take advantage
of a moment in which I wasn't paying attention, to tickle me and then
molest me again. My father intentionally caught me off guard, and
fraudulently led me to believe that something was happening elsewhere
in the basement or out the basement window. He did this in order to
prey on my gullibility, by tickling me until I was in hysterics and
unable to resist his groping of my genitals.
My
father's use of distractions and diversions, should be considered a
separate and distinct form of fraud which my father used to grab hold
of me in order molest me, aside from and in addition to the form of
fraud which he used to make me believe that he would not repeat the
abuse.
Those
repeated acts of fraud, committed by my father, were also examples of
betrayal of trust, by a person with an implicit position of trust and
authority over myself as a child. I was a small, weak, vulnerable
child, who implicitly trusted and obeyed his parents because he had
to. My father had the responsibility to protect me from child sexual
abuse, and had a responsibility to tell me the truth; instead, he
chose to directly inflict sexual and physical abuses upon me, and
since then he has implanted false ideas in my mind which have
confused me about the truth of what he did to me.
The
fact that my father abused his authority, and his position of trust –
in a way that fractured my psyche and made it extremely difficult for
me to socialize and trust others – should be considered a factor
which especially aggravates this heinous crime of serial child sexual
abuse. And that goes regardless of whether my father's abuse of his
position of authority, legally constitutes fraud, or not.
My
father should, additionally, probably be charged with something like
reckless child endangerment, since he knowingly caused me pain during
the abuse. Since my father held me down forcefully during the sexual
abuse, he also deliberately inflicted pain on me in several ways.
These included pushing his thumbs into my underarms forcefully.
My
father's admission to me as a child that he wouldn't repeat the
abuse, should not only be considered an act of fraud and a betrayal
of trust; it was also an admission of guilt. My father knew what he
had done, he knew that I remembered him doing it, and he knew that I
didn't like it. Next he chose to defraud and gaslight me into a state
of confusion and denial about whether that abuse had happened before
at all, because that's what he had to do to get away with molesting
me more.
Another
time my father gaslit me as a child, involved him quoting The
Dick Van Dyke Show or
some television show from the 1950s or 1960s. My father would tell me
“I love you, but I also like you”, and then he would explain
that, in an episode of The
Dick Van Dyke Show,
the son went to Mary Tyler Moore's character and said that he knew
his father loved him but wasn't sure whether he liked him.
I
understand why my father thinks he was saying something loving and
endearing and positive. However, the fact that he molested me, either
before or some time around the first time he fed me the “I love you
but I also like you” line, makes me suspect that he didn't mean
what he was saying (i.e., he
molested me because he didn't love me). Either that, or perhaps
another disturbing possibility; he might have been trying to tell me
that he literally, as pre-teens say, “like-liked me” (by which I
mean “liked me” in a romantic way).
Whatever
the case, my father seemed to only like me insofar as I would follow
his orders, do things that reflect positively on his reputation, and
entertain him. And he seems to love me enough to raise me and help me
out financially, but not enough to avoid turning his “love” for
me into something romantic and sexual.
One
example of my father gaslighting me was when I was in high school. My
Spanish teacher, Ken Finkelstein, called me “antisocial” out loud
in front of my class. Soon after this happened, my father got mad at
me for being disrespectful towards my Spanish teacher. I told my
father that the teacher had called me antisocial. My father sided
with the teacher.
I
believe that my father bullied me so badly at home, and I believe
that this caused me to react by: 1) briefly bullying one or two
smaller kids myself; and 2) acting out for negative attention while
school was in session. I have explained how I barked like a dog in a
high school class once to get negative attention, and I wouldn't have
done that if I'd had someone to talk to at home.
One
year, when I was around 10 or 12 years old, I hit a boy of about age
8 with a thin wooden stick; I don't know how much pain or damage it
caused, but I feel very sorry about picking on younger kids. My
father and my bullies had taught me “bully or be bullied”, and I
picked on other kids because I was being picked on. I absolutely
regret doing that, but I would have not done it if I hadn't felt so
powerless from the way I was being treated at home.
I
suspect that I would not have bullied smaller kids – and that I
would not have had such a difficult time making friends and
socializing, and being calm and focused in class –s if
I'd had someone to talk to about the way my father was treating me.
Between being shouted at and ordered around by my father, being
somewhat ignored by my mother (at least as far as the abuse was
concerned), and having few friends at school, I had nobody to talk
to. Perhaps I tried to draw “negative attention” as a way to let
people know that something was wrong.
It
is also worth noting that this was not the first time my father
wrongfully assumed I was badmouthing a teacher. When I was seven
years old – in the first grade – my father asked me if I was
paying attention in school and if everything was going well between
me and the teacher. My father asked me “Do you talk back to her?”
I assumed that he meant “Do you respond when your teacher asks you
a question”, but he was actually asking me if I ever gave my
teacher “lip”, or “talked back” with a sassy or disrespectful
attitude. I answered my father, “Yes”. Within a moment, he
figured out that I misunderstood his question, and I told him that I
had never given sass to my teacher.
I
am still trying to understand why my father would suspect me, then
just seven years old, of even being capable of back-talking a
teacher. I was a very quiet, calm, shy, polite child, who kept to
himself; I don't even think that I had ever shown sass to my father
before that point. This is what makes me think that my father has
been suspicious of me since I was a child, usually for no good
reason.
In
my opinion, my father's leading me to believe that my difficulty
socializing and respecting my high school Spanish teacher, had
nothing to do with him, constitutes an act of gaslighting. It wasn't
gaslighting when he assumed I was talking back to my first grade
teacher, but that is an example of my father using manipulation to
shame me into thinking that I was guilty of something.
Another thing my father does, which I consider to be
gaslighting, is pretend that he does not understand why I am afraid
of him. This should serve as an example of intimidation, although
admittedly it is arguable whether his intimidation was intentional in
this instance. Still, though, this should serve as an illustration of
the manner in which my father cannot help but cause me to feel
intimidated, whenever I am around him.
While
living with my father at 132 Welwyn Street in Lake Bluff, between
February 2015 and February 2018, I would often try to avoid being too
close to my father while he and I were in the kitchen at the same
time. I did this mostly because his kitchen is small, and thus it is
difficult to move easily around the kitchen when someone is cooking
or doing anything else, and I wanted to give him a little bit of
respect in his own house by leaving him free to move around the first
floor as he pleased. I considered this an act of basic politeness,
and deference to him in terms of who has priority of movement in the
townhouse which my father rents.
However,
on one occasion – some time in 2017 or 2018 – my father talked to
me about my arguably “avoidant” behavior, saying something like,
“What are you doing? You're moving away from me, with your head
down, like you're afraid of me or something.” I believe that my
response included “I am.”
I
do not buy the idea that my father doesn't understand why I'm afraid
of him. He knows what he did to me, and he is an adult who ought to
be perfectly capable of understanding why his son would be afraid of
him at the age of 30 (as I was in 2017), after being molested by him
at the ages of eight and nine.
I
consider my father's behavior then, as a possible example of him
trying to gaslight me. I say that because I believe that his comment
was intended to make me think that I have no reason to be afraid of
him. I would not be writing this statement if I had no reason to be
afraid of him. I believe that my father wants me to think that I have
no reason to fear him, and he wants to downplay and deny our past
conflicts, in order to distract me from the episodes of sexual abuse
which he inflicted upon me.
Another
example of gaslighting pertains to a conversation which I had with my
father in the third week of April 2019, while staying at Hotel Colon
in Barcelona, Spain.
My
father and I had been discussing the accusations of sexual harassment
against Woody Allen and Joe Biden. I was saying that I thought the
legal system was being too lenient on them, and noting that they had
both been openly accused of harassing women, but that the accusations
against them which pertained to groping children, did not stick.
One
thing my father said during that conversation, which stuck out and
upset me, was “If somebody raped you, I would want that person to
go to jail.” I believe that my father said that, as a way to
implant the false idea into my mind, that nobody had ever raped me.
But someone has raped me. My father sexually molested me when I was
eight and nine years old, by forcibly restraining me and “tickling”
my penis and scrotum. Since that conversation, I have never believed
for one second, that my father has any intention to help send
“somebody who raped me” to jail, because that would involve him
going to jail.
I
believe that my father has been trying to subtly implant false
memories, or else false ideas, in my mind, in order to cause me to
doubt the accuracy of how I process information and understand
reality.
My
father has also said numerous bizarre things to me, which I believe
were intended to intimidate me, and/or to gaslight me.
These
included telling me “I'm not trying to get you” when he wanted me
to admit a mistake, or divulge my grades, or wanted me to explain
something. Oftentimes, he actually was trying to “get” me, by
which he meant “find something to get angry with me about”. My
father would criticize every single mistake and fault he could find;
the idea that he “wasn't trying to get me” on anything, was
preposterous. If he really “wasn't trying to get me”, then he
wouldn't have had to work so hard, and repeat it so many times, to
convince me and himself that it was true. What bothered me most about
my father saying this, aside from the frequency at which he said it,
was the emphasis he placed on the word “get”. He would
practically bark the word “get”; the guttural “g” sound would
hang in the air, and resonate with vindictiveness and violence. He
poked at my mind with harsh words, the same way that he poked at my
ribs with his fingers. It is impossible to deny that my father was
“trying to get me”; he grabbed a hold of me and then held me down
in order to molest me, and then spent years telling me that he wasn't
“trying to get” me, and the irony of that fact is not lost on me.
When my father said “I'm not trying to get you”, he was both
defending himself and trying to gaslight me into believing I had no
reason to suspect ill intentions on his part.
My
father would also tell me “You're crazy” whenever he would
succeed in provoking me and inciting me to the point where I would
have no choice but to raise my voice and shout back over his own
constant shouting and interruptions. He would also say, “Wow, you
are out there, man”, in a denigrating way, whenever I would express
either anger or a controversial viewpoint. He would also say “What's
wrong with you”, and really draw-out the word “wrong”. He has
also said things about me like “something's really wrong” or
“something seems really wrong with you”. He has also asked me
many times, “What's your problem?” Once in my teens, I replied
that he was my problem. Of course, he didn't like that one bit, but
it was true; he was my main problem. He was emotionally abusing me,
and, unbeknownst to me until age 27 or 28, he sexually abused me when
I was a child.
My
father would routinely respond with anger, disgust, outrage, and a
need to control the situation, whenever I would confront him with a
viewpoint, opinion, or a way of looking at things, which opposed his
own (or even potentially challenged his own way of thinking). I
believe that my father wants people to think that I am crazy and
excitable, and that I have anger management problems. I believe that
he wants people to think I'm mentally disturbed, so that he can cast
doubt on anything and everything critical I might have to say about
him (including, and especially, the accusations of sexual abuse which
I am now submitting). My father wants people to think that I am
delusional, so that when I accuse him of unwanted sexual touching, he
can easily claim that I hallucinated those memories or made them up
to get attention.
One
important instance in which my father engaged in gaslighting about my
abuse, happened to my mother, rather than myself. The following took
place in either February, March, or April 2015.
In
either late February or early March 2015, my mother told me which
she'd had a conversation with my father about the abuse. That
conversation took place in late February 2015 (probably on the
24th or
25th), when she and my father were driving to Lake Forest to pick me
up from the train station (when I was returning home from Portland).
My
mother told me that, during the conversation, she had said to my
father, something like, “Someone told me that they saw a post that
Joey made about you on Facebook.” That probably wasn't exactly what
she said, but what she said to my father had something to do with the
fact that I had been talking about my father, and/or the possibility
that someone had sexually abused me, in my posts to Facebook.
According to my mother – and I remember this verbatim, from my
mother's recounting of it to me – what my father said in response
to my mother's comment was “I didn't molest him.”
The
way my mother repeated what my father said, put the emphasis on the
first word “I”. In my opinion, the tone of my father's voice,
when saying that, makes it sound like he was being defensive, rather
than just an innocent “matter-of-fact” kind of way. When my
mother told me this story, she said that my father's response seemed
strange, since she hadn't said anything to my father about
molestation, at any point before that during their conversation. I
felt the same way she did; it was strange that he said “I didn't
molest him” without molestation being specifically brought up.
A
few weeks or years after telling me about that conversation, my
mother must have forgotten about having told me about it. In late
2019, when I would try to remind her about the conversation, she told
me that she could not remember the conversation. Nevertheless, I
clearly remember that she told me this; I distinctly remember my
mother telling me that my father had said “I didn't molest him”
in response to my mother bring up my Facebook posts. I talked to my
mother about that conversation twice before she forgot about it, so
I'm certain that she told me it happened.
I
believe that my father said “I didn't molest him”, because he
knows that he did, and has a guilty conscience. I think he knew,
during that conversation, what he had done – and knew that I was
either consciously or subconsciously aware of his past abuse at the
time – and I think that saying “I didn't molest him” was my
father's first attempt to try to “get out in front of” the
accusations of molestation before they even started piling up.
Since
I know now that my father had either made a fake Facebook account, or
else enlisted some Facebook user whom he knew, to send him
screenshots of my posts, I think it is reasonable to conclude that
the reason why my father said “I didn't molest him” was because
he had been reading some of my posts. These posts included the one
from mid-2014 about him being arrested and cavity-searched (which, as
I explained, actually happened to somebody else), and a post I made
around Christmas 2014 which read something like “If all of our
parents had fucked us underneath a Christmas tree when we were
younger, would society be any different from the way it is now?”.
Soon
after that happened - in early 2015, several months after I returned
home from Portland - my mother told me that my father had told her
that I seemed “broken”. My mother told me that she responded by
saying something like, “He's not an object” or “He's not a
toy”.
I
believe that my father has been aware that he sexually abused me all
along, and I suspect that he told my mother that I seemed “broken”
as a way to suggest to her that something was wrong with me and he
had no idea what was wrong. But he knew exactly what was wrong; he
had been spying on me on Facebook (or else enlisting someone else to
do that for him) and he knew that I had made a post or two which
alluded to child molestation.
My
father knew exactly why I was “broken”; he was the one whom had
broken me. He broke me by fracturing my psyche, by inflicting sexual
abuse upon me which created a state of cognitive dissonance in my
mind.
That
state of cognitive dissonance made it difficult for me to process
reality accurately, and difficult to accurately judge my father's
past actions.
Two
incidents wherein my father attempted to gaslight me about matters
related to child molestation, pertain to our conversations regarding
two figures – one in political activism and the other in
entertainment – whom have said controversial things regarding the
subject of child molestation. Those figures are Milo Yiannopoulos and
Louis C.K..
In
February 2017, after a clip emerged of “Alt-Right” figure Milo
Yiannopoulos evidently defending child molestation on Joe Rogan's
podcast, my father confronted me about it. My father probably doesn't
understand the difference between Alt-Righters like Milo
Yiannopoulos, and libertarians like myself; and my father probably
also didn't understand what Yiannopoulos said. Yiannopoulos did make
excuses for older men and teenage boys engaging in sexual relations,
but while doing that, he also mentioned that he had been abused by an
adult priest when he was a young teen. On one hand, Yiannopoulos was
defending his own abuser, but on the other hand, victims of child
molestation are often manipulated and brainwashed into defending
their abusers. My father - as well as those who attacked Yiannopoulos
for his, by then, year-and-a-half-old comments – probably had no
idea that Yiannopoulos was a victim of child sexual abuse, who was
still rationalizing his abuser years later. I know that, because,
after the old clip of that interview emerged, Yiannopoulos gave a
press conference in which he sincerely apologized for his comments,
and explained exactly that; that he was rationalizing his childhood
sexual abuse at the hands of an adult. While I pity the fact that
Yiannopoulos was sexually abused as a child, I do not share the
majority of the controversial views for which he has become infamous.
Despite my father's having no idea how much I disagreed with
Yiannopoulos, and also (probably) no idea that Yiannopoulos was a
child sexual abuse victim, my father confronted me out of the blue
with the accusation that Yiannopoulos was defending child
molestation. After I struggled to explain what the truth was, I got
the impression that my father thought I was defending Yiannopoulos. I
had never mentioned Milo Yiannopoulos to my father before that
happened. This conversation began and ended very quickly.
This
is an example of how my father commits acts of subtle accusations of
guilt by association, followed by drive-by character assassinations
based on that guilt. I suspect that my father was trying to get me to
defend someone thought to be a defender of child molestation, in
order to gaslight and confuse me into thinking that I was the child
molester instead of him. I also suspect that my father intentionally
put me “on the defensive” in order to provoke me to push back
against him, which he does to try to make me raise my voice and get
angry (which he does because he isn't entertained unless there's a
argument going on near him).
In
May 2017, several days after Louis C.K. hosted Saturday
Night Live,
my father criticized the comedian's opening monologue because it
contained child molestation jokes. Louis C.K.'s comments about child
molesters that night included, “They really like to molest childs”,
and other absurd and intentionally tasteless jokes. My father told me
that he did not appreciate Louis C.K.'s jokes, but when he explained
why, he told me that C.K.'s monologue included a joke about child
molesters having “a taste for boys”. I watched that monologue,
and Louis C.K. said nothing of the sort. I honestly suspect that my
father watched that monologue by Louis C.K., made up a joke about
having “a taste for boys” in his own mind, and then accidentally
told me a joke he had made up as if it had been part of that
monologue.
The
fact that my father did not seem particularly upset by the monologue,
suggests to me that he was reacting with feigned outrage. Perhaps he
even criticized the child molestation jokes in order to try to
attract attention to the problem of joking about child molestation,
rather than attracting attention to the more serious problem of
actually molesting children (of which he is guilty), thus vindicating
himself (or at least making himself look better by comparison) in the
process.
I
believe that my father is suffering from cognitive dissonance from
having to stay quiet about molesting me, and also from various mental
illnesses (which I explain later in this report). I believe that
these mental struggles are so severe, that I suspect that my father
may be experiencing a problem with processing information and
interpreting it in a realistic manner. I say this because this would
help explain my father's difficulty in correctly re-stating what
other people have said, and it would help explain why he believes
that he is virtually infallible and has never done anything wrong to
me.
My
father's high opinion of himself, and his controlling nature, make it
virtually impossible for him to engage in what psychotherapists call
“reality checking”; he is unable to level with other people, and
he even seems unable to recognize other people as anything other than
either projections of himself, or else as pawns whom he can
manipulate, use, and abuse. If my father were capable of being
leveled with, or capable of “reality checking”, then he would be
able to speak to me as if we were both voting-age taxpaying adult
citizens (which we are). He would be able recognize that, when I tell
him that he has harmed me or started an argument unfairly, he has to
deal with it and accept that I feel that way for a reason. Instead of
checking-in with others to see which of his views are unrealistic and
which aren't, my father creates his own reality, and shouts at,
intimidates, and manipulates, anybody who questions it or doesn't
conform to his expectations.
10c.
Intimidation
My
father engaged in intimidation which was physical as well as mental
(or psychological, or emotional). He has also scared me many times
throughout both my childhood and my adulthood; sometimes
deliberately, sometimes unintentionally.
While
my father never communicated, in a direct and clear manner, that I
should be afraid of him, and timid in his presence, because he abused
me, he did not have to do so in order for me to be intimidated, and
for his intimidation to achieve its desired result.
While
some of this intimidation occurred without any conscious effort on my
father's part, I believe that many of these attempts to intimidate
and scare me, were done with the intention of keeping me in a
perpetual state of confusion and fear, and of scaring me into silence
and submission (especially about the abuse).
As
I explained in detail in my accounting of Incidents #2 through #13,
my father engaged in various forms of intimidation (both physical and
mental) after those incidents of abuse. Whether or not that was his
intent, that was the effect; however, I do believe that this
intimidation was intentional, and moreover, done with the deliberate
intent of keeping me quiet and keeping me vulnerable to being abused
again.
Even
if not all of my father's intimidation was intentional, the way he
treated me in general accustomed me to living in state of constantly
being intimidated. My father's treatment of me as a child left me
timid, shy, and too afraid of conflict and confrontation, to report
the abuse to the authorities, or speak about it with anyone.
In
fact, the way my father treated me, both during the abuse and
afterwards, was so severe and hostile that, from 1997 or 2000 until
2015, I was still too confused and scared to be able to consciously
remember the incidents of abuse which he inflicted upon me between
1992 and late 1996. For those three years following the abuse (when I
was between ten and thirteen years old), my father did not even need
to engage in active nor conscious forms of intimidation to keep me
quiet; his relentless brow-beating, shame, guilt, and pressure kept
me too distracted by his current mistreatment to bother trying to
recover and divulge his past mistreatment.
I
have already explained how my father would use overt, direct physical
intimidation and force against me, during Incidents #2 through #13.
He would suddenly grab hold of me, hold my legs down with his own
legs, use his hands to hold my arms back while he groped my genitals,
jabbed and poked at my torso, and compressed my rib cage and lungs in
the process of holding me down. These were forceful acts of physical
restraint which facilitated the abuse (by allowing it to happen,
since I couldn't resist), and I believe that those acts of holding me
down were intended to intimidate me out of trying to escape. The
numerous incidents between Incidents #2 and #13, when my father
subjected me to such harsh restraints, are examples of overt physical
intimidation.
Another
thing that my father would do, to intimidate me (and my brother), had
aspects of both physical intimidation and mental intimidation to it.
Upon entering my room to discipline me and my brother, my father
would stand up as straight and as tall as possible, to make himself
look bigger, and towering over us with his arms folded. He would
often shout at us at the top of his lungs after taking that posture.
He did this long before the incidents of abuse began; even when I was
as young as perhaps five or six years old, and my brother was three
or four.
Despite
the fact that my father should have realized that it was totally
unnecessary to scare the living hell out of his small three- and
five-year-old children by shouting at them as loud as possible –
and despite my mother's objections, when she would try to get into
the room, and my father would very nearly slam the door in her face –
my father continued this confrontational, loud style of parenting
until long after the abuses ended in late 1996. He continued engaging
in loud outbursts and unpredictable egging me on to shouting matches
as recently as 2017.
Additionally,
at least once when I was somewhere between eight and ten years old,
my father stood in front of me and put his hand on my head while I
swung at him with my arms, trying to hit him. Him putting his hand on
my head, kept me at enough of a distance from him, to stop me from
being able to reach him with my arms in order to hit him. I can't
remember how much of that was my father's idea; I don't ever remember
wanting, nor trying, to hit him; I think my father told me to try to
hit him, and then put his hand on my head. It was clear that he was
doing this for fun; I think he was imitating something he saw on The
Three Stooges.
He clearly found it funny, and he was laughing at the time. Looking
back on it now, it seems that he was reveling in his ability to
physically stop me, control me, intimidate me, and keep me from
resisting. I can't remember exactly when this happened, but it's
possible that it could have given my father the idea to hold me down
and restrain me so he could touch my genitals against my will.
In
addition to that physical restraint which intimidated me and kept me
from trying to resist or escape, and the times my father would tower
over me and shout at me, my father would also engage in more subtle
forms of intimidation; i.e., mental,
emotional, and psychological intimidation.
The
forms of psychological intimidation (and manipulation) in which my
father engaged, included censoring my speech in front of people, and
accusing me of things I didn't do and without evidence, earlier in
life; spying on me in person and on the internet later in life; and
generally intimidating me into silence whenever possible between 1997
and 2018.
In
2015, I discovered that my father had been spying on my Facebook
account and printing out things I had been posting. In his defense,
he probably began spying on me because I had recently posted a story
about him being arrested, which I now know to be false. My father
kept the printouts from Facebook in his office at his home at 132
Welwyn Street in Lake Bluff, and in 2015 I found them, to my father's
dismay.
Two
or three years later, after my father had found out that I had gone
into his office to find those printouts, I was at my father's house.
For a moment, I stood in the doorway of his office, and immediately
my father began to interrogate me about why I was “in” his
office, and whether I was going in there to look for something. I
might not have even entered his office that day at all; I think I was
standing in the doorway to the office as a way to temporarily allow
my father to move around his first floor smoothly (or maybe I was
grabbing a piece of printer paper).
That
was not the first time my father accused me of something I didn't do;
he did this to me several times when I was a child. I have explained
the unfounded accusations which my father would make regarding why I
hadn't told him my grades yet (which, as a refresher, was because I
hadn't received them yet). My father also once got angry with me
because he overheard me talking to my brother and concluded that I
was conspiring to throw one of his golf magazines, Golf
Digest,
down the stairs to the basement. I had no intention to do so, yet my
father could not come up with a better explanation as to why he had
heard me say “Golf Digest” and “stairs” in the same sentence.
I
believe that the reason my father did this, was to put me on the
defensive, and keep me there forever, so that there would always be
something he said, which I would deny. And the more things of which
he could accuse me, without any evidence, the more defensive (and
righteously indignant) I would get. My father accuses me of things I
didn't do, in order to provoke me into getting justifiably angry, so
that he can make me look crazy, when all I am doing is resolutely and
consistently defending myself against his baseless lies and
accusations.
Other
examples of what I suspect were my father's deliberate attempts to
intimidate and scare me, include times when he has touched my neck
inappropriately, let go of the steering wheel of his car to scare me
and my brother, and called me names making fun of my weakness and my
disliking sports.
When
I was a child, and I would go to the grocery store with my father, he
would often scold me for being in the way of other shoppers and their
carts, telling me “You have to pay attention to where you are in
the world.” I wasn't running around, nor being rambunctious, nor
starting fights with my father nor brother; yet my father would
always have the same angry reaction and say the same line, whether or
not the customer seemed angry.
Once
in a Jewel-Osco, around the age of maybe eight or ten years old, I
remember my father wringing my neck from the back with his thumb and
forefinger. That was an example of him deliberately trying to hurt
me. And I believe that he did that without sufficient cause, because
I was a quiet and usually very well-behaved child, so I can't imagine
what I could have done that would have made it necessary to wring my
neck. He didn't even wring my neck in order to move me; it seemed
that he only did it to inflict pain on me. All for being in the way
of another grocery store shopper.
That
is not the only time I remember my father touching my neck area in an
aggressive and painful manner. I explained how my father would dig
his hands into my underarms, and jab my ribs with his fingers, while
tickling me and then molesting me (in private). My father would also
dig his hands into my neck and collarbone (in public), while making a
cracking sound with his mouth. He made that sound to imitate the
sound of my collarbone or spine breaking; that is why I suspect that
my father did this in order to scare me deliberately.
My
father would also scare me and my brother by the way he drove his
car. Aside from his usual routine speeding and following other cars
too closely, my father would seat me and my brother together in the
front seat – usually without sufficient seat belt restraint – and
control the steering wheel with his knees while traveling at
considerable speeds. This, of course, inspired terror in the hearts
of myself and my brother. We would beg him to start driving with his
hands again. Our father would then resume driving with his hands and
reassure us that he has so much experience driving that it was not
risky to steer with his knees. This did not reassure me.
My
father, along with his older brother (Joseph Michael Kopsick) would
call me names like “tough guy”, “fruitcake”, and “Joltin'
Joe”. It took me more than two decades to realize that they were
calling me these names in order to tease me. They called me “tough
guy” because I don't like sports and I'm physically weak. They
called me “Joltin' Joe”, after Joe diMaggio, possibly to make fun
of me for not being athletic. I suppose it's possible that “Joltin'
Joe” has been a past nickname of my uncle Joe and/or my grandfather
Joe, so maybe they were trying to pass that nickname on, but I still
suspect that they were just being mean on purpose. I suspect that
they called me “fruitcake” because I am sort of “feminine”,
in the sense that I am shy, timid, introspective, as well as
distinctly not the athletic ideal of masculinity.
If
my father did not call me these names in order to intimidate me, then
he at least intended to hurt my feelings, make me feel bad, and make
me feel different from the rest of his side of the family for not
being as athletic as they are. Either way, it had the effect of
intimidating me, even if he did not have the intention to do so.
My
father also did numerous things which had the effect of intimidating
and scaring me, even if they were not intended to do so. I mention
the following incidents because the importance of their disturbing
nature outweighs the need to omit them as irrelevant on the basis
that they are instances of my father scaring me unintentionally.
When
my brother and I were young, my father would occasionally say “raus”
(the German word for “out”) to tell us to get out of a room.
During a therapy session with Dr. Michael Feld (whom I visited
between April 18th and
May 18th,
2015), I asked my father to his face why he had spoken German to me
when I was a child. My father denied speaking German to me. It's
possible that he wasn't clear on what I was talking about; I did not
intend to suggest that my father spoke to me in whole sentences in
German. He only spoke several German words to me and my brother
growing up. My father studied German in college; I know this because
he has told a story about struggling to pronounce the name of the
city Munchen (Munich)
numerous times. My father would use the words “raus” and
“morgen”, and the phrase “guten morgan”, on occasion, to me
and my brother, when we were children. My father may not remember it,
but it's true. It just strikes me as strange that he would deny
having spoken German to me in front of Dr. Michael Feld. There could
be no connection whatsoever between my father saying “raus”
to me as a child, and the fact that I've had manageable panic attacks
about being put on trains and sent to concentration camps, but on the
other hand, it would be careless to refrain from mentioning it,
because it's just as likely that being told to “get out” in
German, would have such an effect on a person.
One
or two years ago (in 2017 or 2018), my mother told me that the Mickey
Mouse drawings which hung in my room when I was a child, were drawn
by a murderer. My father knew someone – perhaps a prosecutor or a
defense attorney – who somehow ended up with drawings or paintings
of Mickey Mouse which were created by someone who was convicted of
murder. My father never told me this, neither while growing up, nor
as an adult.
I
sing and play guitar, but my father has a tendency to pressure me
into singing, and then to criticize me. Even if he doesn't criticize
what I sang or played, he teases and criticizes me, and gives me
back-handed compliments, about other things, so often, that he, in
effect, rarely if ever shows me overall approval nor reward for
anything I do around him. I have never been able to sing and play
music around him without fear of being judged; I simply do not feel
comfortable trying to entertain someone who is so confrontational and
domineering whenever I am not trying to play music for him.
My
father has exhibited strange behaviors, movements, and manners of
speaking, which as a child and an adult have evoked a sense of fear
in me; even if he did not intend to scare me with these behaviors, he
did.
When
my brother and I were children, my father would sometimes speak
slowly in a low baritone voice, while making a sort of “grabbing”
motion with his hands (sort of in the same way in which Homer Simpson
of The
Simpsons would
move his fingers before picking up donuts). I can't remember much
more about this, but I suspect that my father did this intentionally
to scare us. Whether he did it for Halloween, or in good fun, is one
thing; I just mention it because I can't think of any reason why he
would have done such a thing other than to scare us.
My
father's behavior additionally exhibits evidence of various nervous
tics. The fact that he wears contact lenses, likely explains why he
flinches his eyes while suddenly looking in a diagonal direction; he
is probably doing this to get his contact lens to move into the
correct place. But he also exhibits rapid movements of the tongue; I
have noticed while speaking to him that sometimes while I am talking,
he will stand with his mouth open, and his tongue darting back and
forth inside of his mouth slightly (as if he's getting ready to start
speaking as soon as I am done talking).
My
father flinches, darts his tongue, and breathes in a sort of panting
pattern. Seeing my father standing still and getting ready to speak
is really a bizarre spectacle to watch, if you're aware that all of
those are happening at once. Granted, I have my own nervous tics;
such as nail biting, hair twirling and pulling, et
cetera.
But I suspect that my father's nervous tics – which are certainly
evident around me, even if not around anybody else – may be due to
his constant fear of being exposed as a child molester. If that's the
case, then it would certainly explain why my father is so eager to
interrupt and silence me, or begin speaking himself, every time I
talk.
My
father intimidated me and scared me, both intentionally and
unintentionally, and both as a child and as an adult. These forms of
intimidation included overt physical intimidation – such as
overpowering me with his legs, prior to incidents of tickling
followed by molestation; and shouting at me while standing as tall as
he could, while nearly slamming my bedroom door in my mother's face
to keep her out of the room while he shouted at us – as well as
more subtle forms of psychological intimidation.
Those
forms of psychological intimidation (and emotional abuse and
torture), again, included the following: engaging in unpredictable
shouting matches, spying on me over Facebook, accusing me of things I
didn't do without evidence, grabbing at my neck and collarbone in a
painful way which was not necessary to discipline me, driving with
his knees so as to intentionally scare his children, calling me names
intended to mock my lack of athleticism, speaking German to me as a
child, hanging drawings of Mickey Mouse which were done by a murderer
in my bedroom as a child without informing me, pressured and then
judged me in a way that has effectively discouraged me from playing
music for him, making strange sounds and grabbing motions, and
exhibiting various nervous tics.
These
incidents of intimidation have had profound effects on me. My
father's intimidation has caused me to do things such as hide, and to
want to be away from my father, as a child; and, in my twenties, to
leave Madison, Wisconsin without telling my father, and to have
thoughts of self-harm and suicide.
Between
the ages of five and twelve years old, I would hide in my bedroom
closet. Sometimes I would do this to hide from my brother (who would
often pick physical fights with me), while other times I would do it
to hide from my father. Once I realized that the closet was an
effective hiding place which kept them away from me, I would
sometimes go there just for the hell of it.
Doing
anything else around the house, for fun or entertainment, would
require being in contact with either my brother who would roughhouse
with me, or my father who would roughhouse with me and also shout at
me. My brother was into World Wrestling Federation (W.W.F; now
W.W.E.) wrestling, and he would learn wrestling moves on television
that he would use on me later. I found this not only painful, but
also very annoying and distracting, as he would often come up to me
while I was watching stand-up comedy on television in the basement,
and begin to engage me physically in a fight.
When
my brother would attack me on the first floor, I would lock my
bedroom door to try to keep my brother out, but my father didn't
appreciate me locking a door in his house. He didn't seem to care
that locking my door was the only way to stop my brother to come into
my room and start punching me whenever he felt like it. My father
also didn't seem to care that I was almost never the one who started
the fight; he seemed more intent on collective punishment. Maybe he
did that because he didn't know which one of us to trust.
It
also didn't seem to occur to my father that one of the reasons why I
might have had the door locked at times, was because I was trying to
masturbate in the privacy of my own room. My father was too
controlling, domineering, and invasive, for that to happen; as a
result, I grew up having to masturbate in constant fear of being
caught (and then, later, probably, shamed and guilt-tripped about
it).
Another
time I hid, I probably did for attention. Beginning when I was around
the age of eight, my father and mother would take me – and
sometimes my brother as well – to parties hosted by a friend of
his. His friends would drink beers there, and I would find some toys
to play with, or watch television, or talk with the adults.
One
night, I grew tired of going to these parties (although I previously
enjoyed it), and I noticed that nobody seemed to be paying any
attention to me. Granted, I did walk away from the party on my own to
spend time in an empty living room, but I was a child, and my parents
should have been paying closer attention to me. When nobody was
looking, I crouched behind a potted plant, and stayed there.
After
five or ten minutes, I noticed that a few people had begun to look
for me. Eventually all of the guests thought I was missing. Before
things got too out of hand – and after a few adults had looked
right at me but failed to notice me – I waited for the room to
empty out, nonchalantly sat in front of the fireplace, and waited for
someone to notice that I was in view again. Needless to say, my
parents were relieved that I had not been kidnapped.
I
can't say that I consciously knew why I hid; maybe I was just bored,
or maybe I was trying to find out who cared about me enough to find
me, and silently call for attention. But looking back on it, I was a
lonely child who was often neglected and ignored, and pressured to
hang around mostly adults. I rarely had other children to play with
at those parties, and it is not healthy for an eight-year-old to be
around a bunch of adults while they are drinking. My father should
have known that this was not an appropriate environment in which I
could socialize in a healthy manner.
It
is worth noting that I started attending those drinking parties at
the age of eight, the same age I was during Incident #2 and several
subsequent incidents (I'm not sure exactly how many, though).
When
I was around eight years old, my father became a member of the
District 65 school board. That meant that he would be out of the
house on Tuesday nights. When I found out that my father would be
attending school board meetings every Tuesday night, I was relieved.
I knew then, even at eight years old, that I would be happier, and
less worried and afraid, the less my father was around. (See Image #4
in Section 14 of this report, to see what my father and I often
looked like when we were around each other during my childhood).
Since
that event, I have read about signs of child molestation, and I have
realized that I was exhibiting one of the same behaviors which
victims of child molestation frequently display. Evidently, being
afraid of a parent, being shy or timid around a parent, and not
wanting to be around a parent, are signs which suggest that a child
may have been victimized by that parent. I wish that more parents
knew that wanting to avoid a parent is a warning sign of abuse, and
that children are statistically more likely to be abused by someone
they know rather than a stranger.
While
I was only able to casually and partially avoid my father while I was
a child, my freedom and ability to travel long distances
significantly increased between 2005 (when I began college) and 2007
(when I learned to hitchhike). While my younger brother had made a
half-hearted attempt to “run away from home” when he was around
four or five years old, I can't remember ever attempting such a thing
as a child. I never tried to run away from home, but in summer 2007,
I quit an Italian language summer course, and hitchhiked to Arkansas
to go camping with friends in the Ozarks. In mid-2007, most of the
year 2010, and 2013, I traveled around the country, going back and
forth from Illinois and Wisconsin, to places like Florida,
Pennsylvania, Oregon, and California. My father paid for me to attend
college, so in a very real way, he was chiefly responsible for me
ending up in Madison with no realistic means with which to support
myself (with few marketable skills, and living in the post- Katrina,
post- financial collapse, highly competitive, highly professionalized
economy of the late 2000s). After I had decided to take that 2007
summer course, I could not escape my father's control without
literally physically escaping him, and not telling him that I had
quit the course. As an adult, looking back on those travels, I now
realize that I was “running away” from the Midwest (and from my
father's control) as an adult, because I had missed out on
opportunities to do the same when I was a child and then a teenager.
Although
many of the things which my father has done which have scared and
intimidated me, were not intentional, the fact that these behaviors
had the effect of intimidating me, matters too. So does the fact that
my father could have easily avoided scaring – and psychologically
traumatizing – his children; by doing simple things which would
have taken little to no effort (such as refraining from hanging
murderers' drawings on my nursery room wall, and keeping his hands on
[I meant “off”] the steering wheel while driving his only sons
around in a two-ton hunk of steel at 60 miles per hour.
Even
if my father did not intend for these behaviors to intimidate me, his
behaviors exhibit a pattern of gross negligence regarding the
difference between healthy ways to scare children for fun, and
unhealthy ways to scare them which end up traumatizing them.
I
believe that I have demonstrated how my father's intimidation tactics
not only scared me as a child, but also inflicted various forms of
psychological damage which, as an adult, I am still only just
beginning to notice and understand, and from which I am still
recovering.
10d.
Manipulation
The
manipulation which my father inflicted upon me, is one of the factors
which aggravate the crime of Criminal Sexual Abuse; along with
threats (which did not occur in my case) and fraud and intimidation
(which did).
My
father used all of the following tactics to psychologically
manipulate me: picking fights with me, confusing and scaring me into
guilt and shame and submission, monitoring and limiting my ability to
communicate freely with others, and teasing me in front of others
(making it even more difficult for me to find social
acceptance), etc..
My
father's penchant for picking fights with me (for entertainment or
fun), and the other manipulative behaviors in which my father
engaged, ought to demonstrate that my father engaged in a wide
variety of manipulative tactics. I believe that the goal of
manipulation was to keep me too scared, confused, quiet, alone, and
dependent upon my father, for there ever to be a chance that I would
report the abuse (or even criticize my father openly about anything
else).
I
believe that my father engaged in these forms of manipulation out of
fear that, one day, when I opened my mouth and had nobody around me
(like him) to stop or inhibit me from speaking freely, I would tell
somebody about the sexual abuse which he inflicted upon me in 1995
and 1996.
My
father would engage in manipulative behaviors such as shaming,
pressuring, and guilt-tripping me over
things such as my grades and my hesitance about accepting gifts from
him. My father also deprived me of privacy, humiliated me publicly,
and limited and intervened in my contacts with friends and family
(causing me to become isolated, socially alienated, and lonely).
Finally, my father made it difficult for me to disclose the abuse
which he had inflicted upon me, by hiring a therapist in 2015 whom,
it turned out, I had valid reasons not to trust.
My
father has also used limitation and surveillance of my
communications; I believe intentionally, in order to manipulate me
into silence and into states of social alienation and isolation. By
keeping me apart from other children and family members more often
than not, my father effectively limited my contact with them, and
reduced the chance that I might divulge something critical about my
father (or divulge the abuse) while speaking with them.
By
manipulating me into silence and confusion, my father also coerced me
into a state of dependence upon him (and did something similar to my
mother). I believe that my father deliberately engaged in these forms
of manipulation, in order to keep me silent, and to keep me in a
state of confusion about what had happened to me on the couch in our
basement. I also believe that the fraudulent acts of gaslighting, in
which my father engaged with both myself and my mother, should also
be considered acts of intentional psychological manipulation.
While
my father did not manipulate me out of disclosing the abuse in any
conscious, overt, obvious, nor verbal manner, which acknowledged the
abuse, he did not need to do so in order to achieve the goal he
intended that manipulation to accomplish. My father's manipulation
and emotional abuse were strong enough to keep me in a perpetual
state of shame and guilt, which made it difficult for me to gather up
the courage to criticize my father, which he deserved.
My
father's efforts to make me feel ashamed and guilty, and his efforts
to pressure and shame me into confessing, began at a young age. I
have already explained how he would pressure me into saying things
about my grades before I had any idea when they were coming or what
they were. I have also explained how my father would accuse me of
doing things, and even of conspiring against him, without any
evidence. My father would insist that I had some malice of
forethought in an action, or in what I said, and so he would
repeatedly insist to me that I had done something wrong, and knew it,
even when I didn't have the slightest idea what he was talking about,
and when what I had done was totally innocuous or else a mistake
which was completely unintentional on my part.
One
such example, of my father manipulating me by instilling a sense of
guilt in me when I had done nothing wrong, pertains to a time when I
was about seven years old. I had recently begun first grade, and my
father was asking me some questions about how first grade was going
for me. One of the questions he asked was, “Do you talk back to
your teacher?” I responded that, of course I did. I was only seven
years old, so I was still too innocent to understand that “talk
back” had a negative connotation. I had not been rude to my teacher
at all; I only responded “yes” because I thought my father was
asking whether I responded when my teacher called on me. I find it
strange that my father would suspect a seven-year-old of even being
capable of smart-talking his teacher (let alone, why he would suspect
that I – a very quiet, shy, timid, and introspective person, who
was nowhere near as disrespectful or as violent as, for example, my
younger brother was, growing up – would be willing to do such a
thing). That incident is but one example of how my father would
attempt to instill a permanent sense of guilt in me, and perhaps even
to instill a feeling of need to confess to him (including things I
hadn't done).
Between
February 2015 and February 2018 – the last time I lived with my
father – he made it extraordinarily difficult to speak with him,
tell him something, or even ask him a question. I am not exaggerating
one bit when I say that I spent the majority of those three years
trying to speak more than three words of a sentence before my father
would begin talking over me and shouting at me.
I
believe that my father accused me of things I didn't do when I was
younger, and incited and provoked me into arguing and shouting over
the last two decades, in order to excite me, make me look crazy, make
himself look sane by comparison, and entertain himself. I believe
that my father's impulse to do this, may be motivated by an addiction
to the chemicals which are released in the body when a person is
angry. I suspect that my father craves conflict because it excites
and entertains him.
Granted,
my father does “seem better” these days, by which I mean he
shouts less, and it is nowhere near as easy as it was three years ago
to do something that caused him to react with anger. However, I
believe that there are two main reasons why my father has not shouted
and been angry as often over the last two-and-a-half years, as he did
before mid-2017.
Those
reasons are that, around the same time (spring or summer 2017), both
of the following occurred: 1) my mother stopped accepting my father's
abuse at the workplace, and told him off; and 2) I told my father to
his face that I knew that he had “half-molested me”. [Note: I
said “half-molested” because I couldn't remember my father having
engaged in any skin-to-skin contact while molesting me; however, I
still consider what he did to have been molestation even though it
may not have involved any groping under my clothes.]
I
distinctly remember being in my father's living room in spring or
summer 2017, and saying something like “Don't you know that you're
not supposed to tickle a kid until he screams and can't breathe?” I
remember my father apologizing for that, even though I don't
distinctly remember him having apologized for molesting me. The fact
that he apologized for tickling me until I couldn't breathe, means
that he has acknowledged that he tickled me against my will, to me,
in private. He has thus admitted to me that he did to me the exact
same thing I am claiming he did right before he touched my genitals
against my will.
Additionally,
his “seeming better” nearly always, and almost exclusively,
manifests itself in the form of him giving more gifts to people. I
suspect that he knows that giving gifts to people extravagantly, can
make them feel like they owe him something, and I believe that my
father's “cooperative” gift giving is nothing more than a bribe
to stay silent about his faults and his past behavior which has
harmed people.
Another
manner in which my father manipulated me, was by heaping shame, and
feelings of weakness and worthlessness, upon me, for spending 2010
traveling instead of working, and for not having worked much in my
life.
In
2010 or 2011, after meeting a family on a farm in Georgia, I had
dinner with my father and his two brothers at a restaurant. I
remember telling them about how I was excited to be on a farm, and to
travel, and I expressed a bit of interest in either going back or
else becoming a farmer myself. My father's response was something
like, “That's really cool. You know, I hear that some of those
farmers actually have to wake up before noon.”
He
was giving me a back-handed compliment, designed to tease me for
being lazy, sleeping too much, and/or working too little. It
especially hurt me that my father would openly mock and tease me in
such a way, because he did it right in front of my two uncles.
My
father has never apologized for this incident, nor for making fun of
me when I was employed. I have had my current job for nearly
two-and-a-half years, and my father has still never apologized for
all the times he has accused me of not wanting to work. I have always
wanted to work; it's just that my opportunities to acquire skills and
education are limited and expensive, and I decided that it was worth
the effort to spend a few years of my twenties figuring out which
states might be a more hospitable place to live and an easier place
to earn money and keep it. If my father cared as much about me having
a job as he pretends he does, then he would not have expressed so
much embarrassment and shame at the prospect of me working for
McDonald's and other fast food restaurants when I was in my early
twenties.
My
father's manipulation caused significant damage to my abilities to
socialize and communicate, but also to my willingness and ability to
display emotions openly around my father and other people. My father
engaged in censorship, silencing, monitoring and surveillance of my
communication on social media, and limitation of my communication
with friends and family members.
My
father's hyper-vigilance about with whom I was socializing, whether I
was participating in class, and whether I was speaking appropriately
to adults, contributed to my own hyper-awareness about what comes out
of my mouth. My father taught me to think before I speak, but he also
did it in a mean and confrontational way, so it worked too well. I
eventually realized that speaking, or expressing any emotion, around
my father, usually resulted in me being judged, shamed, or accused of
lying.
My
father's first noticeable attempts to isolate me and alienate me came
around the time of the abuse, or afterwards. But his first attempts
to excessively monitor my social interaction began earlier; in
preschool.
My
mother recorded in her diary that my father told her that he thought
I was not going to participate in a preschool event that would occur
a day or two after the diary entry was made. I believe that my
father's irrational fear about my ability to socialize by myself,
actually backfired. My mother has told me about how, when they
attended parties while they were married, he would tell her a lot of
basic and mundane facts about people he knew at the party, before
introducing them. My mother said that she wanted to talk to those
people, and find out those facts on her own.
My
father's fear that I wasn't socializing enough when I was a child,
and my father's habit of monitoring my speech and social interactions
when I did socialize, didn't help make socializing any easier as a
child; it only made socializing more confusing, and more difficult to
engage in without my father's guidance.
As
a child, my father would also criticize me for showing too much
emotion in my voice, as well as for showing too little emotion. If I
would be excited or angry about something, my father would respond
almost as if my open expression of emotion presented some sort of
challenge to his authority.
I
suspect that my father thinks that boys who express their emotions
openly, are “effeminate”. I know that he thinks I'm effeminate
because on two occasions in the past, he criticized my choice in
eyeglasses and cell phone color as effeminate (and he did so while
teasing me in front of complete strangers). Of course (not that it
really matters), my father is arguably more “effeminate” than I
am, in several ways; first because he and I have both worn our hair
long, and second, because, when he was 38 and/or 39 years old, he
molested an eight- or nine-year-old boy (me). Therefore, he exhibits
the arguably “feminine” characteristic of being attracted to
males.
I
believe that my father's fears that I am “effeminate” and
antisocial, stem from the facts that he is every bit as effeminate
and antisocial as I am, if not more antisocial (because he is so
self-conscious about his reputation, and his appearance, and how
other people see him).
After
a while, knowing how negatively my father would react when I
displayed emotions openly, led me to become more reserved in my
display of emotions and my manner of speech. Some time between the
ages of eight and twelve, I began responding to my father with a flat
affect, in order to avoid setting him off and making him angry.
Unfortunately, my plan backfired, because my father responded to my
flat affect, with accusations that I was deliberately trying to speak
in a “robotic” or “monotone” fashion. He would even imitate
the way I was talking, which I have always interpreted as mockery.
Raising my voice to be heard, shouting, and getting angry, didn't
help me get my father to listen to me. Unfortunately, being quiet and
calm, or submissive, got me nowhere too.
All
I was doing was trying to avoid upsetting him. Expressing myself
freely didn't work, and acting submissively and timidly didn't work
either. I discovered years later, that this flat affect which I
employed, involves the same type of lack of reaction as “the gray
rock method” of dealing with narcissists. Becoming a “gray rock”
only made my father more upset; not less.
In
the “gray rock method”, a person makes himself as uninteresting
to argue with, as a rock would be; that is, no fun at all. It's
possible that my father grew psychochemically addicted to the rush of
arguing and shouting and fighting; cortisol and adrenaline are
released in the brain when the “fight or flight response” is
activated. If my father craved such a neurochemical rush from the
conflict of arguing, then the only way to decrease the chance of an
argument happening, would be to deprive him of what he wanted (my
excited and defensive reaction). I have tried to avoid putting up
active resistance against him, but that just results in him getting
what he wants (that is, people following his orders) even more
quickly. But I have at least learned how to control my reactions, and
how to avoid shouting back at him when he began to shout at me. Once
beginning to try this “gray rock method” I was no longer any fun
to shout at, because it had become more and more difficult to excite
and provoke me, and get me to shout back.
But
I repeat, my plan still backfired. My father continued to find ways
to get angry with me, even when I would try to be as
non-confrontational as possible. Eventually, even such mundane things
as asking questions, speaking for more than three seconds at a time,
or standing in the doorway of his office for several seconds, would
prompt my father to levy wild, unfounded, evidence-free allegations,
and interrogations, at me, leaving me confused, defensive, full of
righteous indignation, and eventually angry (as was his intention).
I
have always had a fondness for all things peaceful, calm, colorful,
beautiful, and serene, and I recoil at the thought of hurting other
people. But my father has had years and years of practice provoking
me to the point of screaming anger; he has become an expert at making
a mountain of wild accusations out of a molehill of
difficult-to-explain (but nonetheless usually innocuous) behavior.
I
have explained how my father's actions resulted in frayed relations
between me and my cousins on both sides of the family. But there are
even more examples of my father's actions deepening divides, and
contributing to awkward and estranged relations, in our family.
One
example of this, is also an example of my father's hyper-vigilant
monitoring of my communication, backfiring against his intentions.
When I was about eleven or twelve years old, my mother and father
took me to my mother's cousins' house (the Cervacs) for a Fourth of
July party, where they were barbecuing racks of lamb. Before arriving
at the party, my father told me to be respectful and “shake hands
with everybody”. Since I didn't want to defy him, when I arrived in
my cousins' garage, I literally shook hands with all three of the
people who were in the garage at that time. I was doing what my
father told me to do, but I felt like an idiot because I was shaking
everyone's hands like I was running for office and meeting voters at
a “meet-and-greet” -type event. My father probably had no
intention to embarrass nor humiliate me, but I was humiliated by what
happened. I suspect that I would not have been so embarrassed, if my
father were not such a domineering person. If my father had made me
feel more comfortable about asking him questions, then I probably
would have been able to ask a clarifying question which would have
resulted in me being less likely to shake the hands of cousins whom I
already knew well, as if I were an insane person.
My
father has also shown disdain and derision for some of the less
well-off, more “working class” member of my mother's side of the
family (including the Cervacs). A few of them have gone to my father
for legal representation, and for help with financial troubles, and
although my father has readily helped them, I suspect that he also
looks upon them neither as true equals, nor as beloved in-laws and
respected members of his (now ex-, then current) wife's family.
My
relationships with several of my cousins on my mother's side, have
also been damaged because of my father's actions to keep me apart
from them, and because of his disdain for them. Some time around 1995
or 1996, my parents informed me and my brother that we would be
visiting the family of my father's brother Joe (Joseph Michael
Kopsick, born in 1956) less often. My parents' explanation for this,
was that my uncle Joe's family had had some sort of fight or
disagreement with some other relatives of theirs (however, I can't
remember which ones).
This
event upset me as a child, because it meant I wouldn't be celebrating
Christmas at my cousins' house in Lake Forest as often, or maybe not
at all anymore (I wasn't sure). I don't think I accepted my parents'
explanation. I was somewhat upset with my parents, because I wasn't
sure whether I would see my cousins again, and I thought my parents
were being pessimistic about the chances that whatever conflict was
occurring between my cousins' family and their own cousins, could be
resolved. Fortunately, however, my contact with my uncle Joe's
children did not cease completely, and I still have good
relationships with all of them, but we did see each other, and have
seen each other, less often after that.
Another
incident which resulted in me seeing members of my family less often,
for which I have felt my father responsible, occurred when my father
criticized my cousin Daniela for a quirky thing she did. My mother's
brother Billy lives in New Jersey with his wife Susan and their
daughter Daniela, my first cousin. I remember that when I was around
the age of twelve, my father told another family member of ours that
when my father had last seen Daniela, she did something like spin
around, and/or dance, and then half-sing “I'm a person!”. Daniela
was a teenager when this happened, and what she did was completely
inoffensive and unproblematic, so I thought it mean-spirited of my
father to openly criticize my cousin like that, in front of myself
and another family member.
After
reflecting upon this incident later in life, I have realized that my
father has, for a long time, had a serious problem with people
(namely, myself, my mother, and my cousin Daniela) expressing
themselves, as well as the expression of individuality in general. He
also seems to have a fear and hostility towards all things which are
difficult to explain and predict. I see now that these are traits of
a controlling person. I also understand now that, had I been allowed
more freedom to express myself as a child, I probably would have
disclosed the abuse much earlier.
My
father's alcohol problem has also been a source of embarrassment for
me, which has served to deepen divisions in my family unnecessarily.
Some time around 2010, at the wedding of my second cousin Brooke
Olenick (the daughter of my mother's cousin Marisa), my father drank
too much, spent too much time hanging out with the groom (whom he
barely knew), and insisted on driving his mother-in-law home when he
had been drinking and my uncle Loren (sober) was offering a ride as
well.
Additionally,
the
social dysfunction and social phobias which my father caused me, have
resulted in me having difficulties expressing affection with family
members. It is difficult for me to gather up the courage to hug my
sister's son, because I grew up afraid of my father's touch, and
because it is difficult for me to be around children without
remembering the abuse.
More
examples of my father's hypervigilant monitoring of my communication,
which I believe stunted my social and emotional development, include
encouraging me to talk to adults rather than play with children
during parties, and keeping me away from (and even showing disdain
towards) some members of both my mother's and father's sides of the
family.
Between
approximately 1994 and 2000 (when I was between seven and thirteen
years old), my parents would bring me and my brother to the home of
my father's then law partner Scott Gibson, for pool parties with
other families we knew. While at these parties, I wanted to spend
time with both the other children and the adults, but as I grew
older, my father would increasingly encourage me to spend more time
talking to adults, than playing with the other children. Granted, I
was among the oldest of the children at the time, but I was still in
need of interaction with children as well as adults.
I
realize now that socializing with those other children more, would
have helped me socialize better, later on in life. I know now that
that critical development of the ability to play well and speak to
other children, was much more important than showing off my ability
to speak intelligently to my father's friends.
My
father has also attempted to silence and censor me, and also to tease
and humiliate me (often with back-handed compliments) in public;
including in front of his friends, and even in front of our
relatives.
My
father's confrontational, interventionist style of discipline and
parenting, meant that he behaved as a “helicopter parent”, i.e., in
a hyper-vigilant way. My father would monitor my communications; not
only to make sure that I was being polite and behaving appropriately,
but also to make sure that I did not say anything negative nor
critical about him.
My
father would also accuse me of being secretive, when I was younger,
when I tried to assert my need for privacy.
As
I explained, my father did not appreciate locked doors in his house,
regardless of the fact that I often needed to resort to locking my
door in order to stop my brother from coming into my bedroom and
starting physical fights with me. I suspect that, at the time, my
father probably considered me locking my door, to be a form of
questioning or challenging his authority.
My
father often made it clear that he didn't care whether I or my
brother started a fight, and my father didn't like having to explain
himself (even if explaining his orders would help to convince me that
I should do them, and/or would help me understand how to do them
better and to the desired effect).
Around
2010 or 2011, while out to dinner with my father and his two
brothers, I told my father and uncles that I had visited a farm in
Georgia. My father responded, “Wow, that's great, I hear some of
those farmers actually have to wake up before noon.” It was an
obvious attempt to make fun of me for being lazy, or for being
unemployed, or for sleeping too much, or all of the above. My father
has believed for a long time that I “don't want to work”; he has
never apologized for saying this any time over the past two years
(while I have been consistently employed full-time).
On
another occasion – in mid- or late 2017, while I was working as my
father's temporary secretary – I had lunch with my father and some
of his co-workers and attorney friends. We were talking about the
Millennial generation, and the older people at the table were trying
to figure out what makes someone a Millennial. I said that I wanted
to explain, and my father asked me something to try to invite me to
speak. However, the manner in which he asked me, involved piling-on a
series of three or four questions. I suspect he did in order to make
me too frustrated and overwhelmed with questions to speak. When I
opened my mouth to answer, my father interrupted me with yet another
question or comment. Denis McKeown, an attorney with whom my father
was then sharing office space, noticed in that moment that my father
was rudely bombarding me with questions and then interrupting me. He
chimed in, and said to my father something like, “Counselor, you
are out of order, please allow the witness to respond.” My father
looked embarrassed. I explained why birth year, and which birth
years, make someone a member of the Millennial generation.
During
my 2010 trip to Georgia, I told the family with whom I was staying, a
little about my childhood, and the grandmother told me that I'd been
deprived of a childhood. She might have meant that I “didn't have a
childhood” because I didn't grow up on a farm, or near nature.
But
that is not the only fact which shows I didn't have the kind of
healthy, normal, fun, care-free childhood which parents want for
their children. I was also sheltered, and indoors most of the time
(mostly due to my own overreaction to the fact that I had mild
allergies to outdoor allergens). Furthermore, I was sheltered in the
sense that I was often kept apart from other children when
my father was around.
I
believe that my father sheltered me, kept me lonely, deprived me of
privacy, and humiliated me in front of loved ones, because doing so
was necessary to limit the chances that I would tell somebody about
the sexual abuse which he inflicted upon me.
I
believe that my father thinks he is above me, my mother, everybody
else, and also the law. His smugness and sense of superiority, and
his insistence that people defer to him on major decisions and come
to him for legal and financial and insurance advice, made it all but
impossible for me to make any major decision without his input until
February 2018 (when I moved out of his house without consulting him
about my apartment choice). My father's personality also makes it
extremely difficult for me to feel comfortable, and at-ease, around
other family members, when in my father's presence. I am always on
guard and I know that I will not be allowed to say what I feel
(without him trying to censor me, silence me, or talk over me and
interrupt me).
I
believe that my father's hyper-vigilant, controlling attitude
concerning the manner in which my mother and I speak and interact
with people, caused me to grow up excessively shy, and nearly unable
to strike up a conversation without the assistance of someone else
(namely my father). I believe that my father made me dependent upon
him to provide a context for most of the social interactions in which
I engaged, and I believe that that left me emotionally and socially
stunted, and dependent upon others to help me find new friends. Given
the fact that my now deceased friend Michael Nelson introduced me to
so many people in 2007, when beforehand I spoke to few people, that
certainly seems the case (and perhaps Michael Nelson served as sort
of a replacement “social wingman” in my father's absence).
All
of this is why I believe that my father's hyper-vigilant monitoring
and censorship of my self-expression, communication, and socializing
– even with my own family members – has served as a form of
manipulation and intimidation (as well as a tool with which to coerce
me into a state of dependence upon him).
This
manipulation not only helps explain my delay in coming forward; it
also helps demonstrate that my father's sexual abuse was
aggravated (again, because manipulation, as well as fraud
and intimidation – the factors necessary to prove aggravation –
were present).
I
feel confident enough to say that my father spent a significant
amount of time between 1992 and 2018 figuring out how to control me,
figuring out what to say and do to me to get me to respond with
anger, and finding ways to keep me in a state of confusion and
silence. I believe that my father understood then, that if he could
keep me both dependent on him to facilitate and approve my social
interactions, and could keep me too afraid to speak with him (the
person with whom I interacted more frequently than almost anyone
else), then he could repress my impulse to express myself towards
others. The result of that was that I did not disclose the abuse as a
child, and my father would have had every reason to make sure that
that outcome was achieved (and many opportunities to reinforce his
silent message that there would be repercussions for criticizing
him).
In
a manner of speaking, what my father did has kept me like a dependent
child, who only does and believes what his father tells him, until
well into adulthood. I believe that my father had it in his mind that
he wanted me to stay a child as long as possible. This makes sense
considering not only the fact that he sexually abused me while I was
still a child (and thus must have been attracted to me as a child,
and presumably wanted me to continue to look like I did then), but
also considering how controlling, aggressive, confrontational, and
domineering his parenting style has always been. I believe he has
been plying and tempting me into continuing to try to get along with
him, by offering me gifts; and guilt-tripping me when I express
hesitation about accepting them.
In
addition to expecting me to silently accept his gifts, my father has
also pressured me into coming to him first for legal advice. He does
the same thing to my mother, when she goes to anyone other than he,
regarding either legal issues, taxes, or her car. I appreciate my
father's past help in helping me get my taxes done and recommending
attorneys, but one of the reasons why I am now going through legal
avenues to pursue these charges against my father, is because this
could offer me a chance to finally be represented by an attorney whom
is neither my own father, nor a person chosen by my father.
I
have never felt like a true adult since the moment I turned eighteen
years old, and I have never felt fully liberated, nor emancipated,
from my father. I cannot think of any way to get him to stop
controlling my legal, social, and financial decisions as an adult, in
the same manner in which he controlled those things and my education
choices while I was a child.
A
few months after I returned to my father's home from Portland –
around the middle of 2015 – my father told me to my face, “I
don't understand why you don't... sort of... subordinate yourself to
me.” Immediately after saying this, however, he tried to
back-track, and said that he hadn't chosen the right word. He did
this because he knew by my reaction that I didn't appreciate his
choice of words. I immediately compared the idea of pressuring
someone to subordinate themselves to you, to what a slave master does
to a slave. Despite my father's attempt to back-track and choose
another word, I believe that he used the word “subordinate”
because it was the word in his mind which best expressed what he
wanted me to do. He believed that, by “subordinating” myself to
him, I would take his advice more, and it would lead to me getting a
job and my own place to live. Despite apparently looking forward to
me moving out, he still guilt-tripped me for declining to consult him
before deciding to move out and rent my own apartment in Waukegan.
Some
of my father's behavior almost suggests that he thinks that I am
literally “his” son, and therefore his property. I say this
because of the way he has bossed me around, treated me like a dog
(like by leaving his discarded food to me, and telling me to get onto
my knees in order to pick up a garbage bag), and encouraged me to
dress up and “prostitute” myself in order to get a job. And, of
course, when I was younger, to molest whenever he felt like it.
My
father still gets away with pressuring me, and subtly shaming me,
into hugging him. This makes me feel extremely uncomfortable and
unsafe, and it needs to stop. But I cannot make it stop by myself; I
need help. If I am only free to talk about the abuse around my mother
and few other places, then I worry that I might forever be shamed and
brow-beaten into agreeing with my father, and into trusting him,
forgiving and forgetting the abuse and subtle blackmail. I will not
be shamed into acting as if he did nothing to me.
My
father's monitoring, censorship, and intervention in my social
interactions, not only served as forms of manipulation and
intimidation; they also caused me severe social dysfunction, social
phobias, and trust issues.
Due
to my inability to trust my father (my main male role model, and the
most important authority figure in my life), I have struggled to
trust others both as a child and as an adult, and I have had
difficulty looking people in the eye (including potential employers).
As
I explained, my older half-sister Jodi McLellan (formerly Magnani)
told me that she thought I might have Asperger's. She told me this
some time in the mid 2000s, maybe around 2005, when I was 18 years
old. I suspect that my sister thinks this because of my difficulty
socializing, my sensitivity to stimuli, and other factors.
It's
entirely possible that I have undiagnosed Asperger's syndrome. I
can't easily detect social cues, and I noticed in my early twenties
that I had done things not intended as social cues, but which could
have been interpreted as such. This led to a few awkward situations.
Whether
I have Asperger's or not, I attribute my oversensitivity to becoming
overwhelmed, not to Asperger's, but to my father's sexual abuse,
while I attribute my difficulties socializing, to my father's
emotional abuse. I have an irrational fear of other people, because I
know that in some way, they are like my father. That is why I suspect
that anybody I talk to, might take advantage of me, judge me, say
something mean to me, or even attack me unprovoked.
The
way my father has treated me, has thus made it difficult for me to do
my job properly, because I am a private security officer (security
guard). Nobody wants a security guard who's afraid of everybody.
My
father probably has no idea how difficult it is for me to go to job
interviews, and go to work, and try to look people directly in the
eye and speak clearly to them. He probably has no idea that the
reason why I work third shift, is because it allows me much greater
freedom than first and second shift would, to avoid talking to people
and socializing with people.
My
father would shout at me every time I tried to speak clearly and look
him in the eye; I think that is why it is so difficult for me to look
and speak directly at other people. I wish my father would understand
that, when he gets angry with me for not working enough, a major
reason why I can't get a job is because my father's abuse destroyed
the confidence which I would have otherwise been able to use to get
past the job application process.
My
father has made my mother and me afraid of him.
While
growing up as a child, and even still today, any time I say something
critical or “negative” about my father in front of my mother, she
opens her eyes wide and shushes me. Even if my father is nowhere to
be seen – even when my mother has known that my father was on
vacation – she has shushed me out of fear that he will hear us.
As
if it weren't enough that my mother shushed me every time she or I
said something critical or negative about my father (creating an
environment in which it was impossible to criticize him), my father's
abusing me and terrifying me into submission, made me unable to be
assertive, set boundaries, speak up, or be a leader in any way. To
the best of my recollection, my father made no attempts to encourage
me to set boundaries, nor to be assertive; there would have been
nothing in it for him.
I
have never wanted to be a domineering, nor controlling, person. I
have never wanted to inspire fear in people, especially not fear of
physical violence. Since my father was the opposite way, I grew up
with no ability to set boundaries, nor to assert myself. I grew up
thinking that it's “mean” or “controlling” to set boundaries
with people.
I
let people walk into my apartment after I tell them not to, because I
have no real sense of permanent ownership of the things I own. I
think that's because what I owned was routinely taken away from me
for punishment as a child, but also because my father took my
innocence away, something that was much closer to the core of who I
was than any possession or apartment.
I
see myself as a caring, honest, affectionate person. I was certainly
more so as a child. But my father's abuse has turned me into an
angry, bitter, resentful person, whom is afraid of human touch, and
afraid of looking too attractive (because of the grooming I
experienced when I dressed up as a child). I have no desire to even
look presentable, let alone any desire to become like my father and
have wealth and influence. I care about being a good person and
getting justice for what happened to me; I want to be myself again
and give my family their son back.
The
way my father treated me as a child, was especially risky and
reckless, because the way my father abused me, and then left me
unable to speak about it, made me into a lonely child. And pedophiles
have been known to choose lonely children as victims, because they
are usually off by themselves (and thus easier to catch), and are
usually more desperate for someone to listen to them. If a child
molester or kidnapper had driven past Lake Bluff East School when I
was in first grade, he would have seen me on recess collecting trash,
yards and yards away from the other children (this occurred between
Incident #1 and Incident #2. A kidnapper could have easily identified
me as the lonely child in the class, and could have preyed on my
vulnerability.
My
father probably had no idea that, by bullying me and sexually abusing
me at home, he put me at risk of not only being bullied, but also
potentially being molested again (or even kidnapped). I honestly
suspect that my father does not think, nor care, at all, about the
way he has hurt my feelings, brow-beaten me into submission, and
guilt-tripped and shamed me into doing what he says is good for me.
I
believe that he is trying to drive me insane – and make me
emotionally, socially, and financially crippled – without his
involvement in my life (“assistance”, in his mind).
Aside
from all of these examples of manipulation through deprivation of
unmonitored social interaction, my father failed in his efforts to
provide me with psychological counseling about the abuse he inflicted
upon me when I needed that counseling in early 2015.
He
failed so miserably, in fact, that I suspect it was an act of
sabotage. I know that's a strong statement, but I say that because my
father arrived at his decision about which therapist to choose for
me, in a manner which I suspect could have put me at risk of
experiencing more sexual abuse. Those therapy sessions were nothing
more than another attempt by my father to intervene in, and obstruct,
my attempts to communicate that something was wrong.
When
I returned home to Lake Bluff from Portland, and began living with my
father, I wasn't making much sense. This was because: 1) I had been
studying religion and psychology; 2) I was extremely lonely from
having just lost my best friend, girlfriend, job, and apartment, all
within the span of two months; and 3) I was occasionally attempting
to communicate through the use of similes, comparisons, and
metaphors. The latter enraged my father, because that made it
difficult for him to understand me; as I explained, he is typically
enraged by anything that is difficult to explain or predict.
My
parents did decide to send me to a psychiatric counselor in early
2015. However, they chose Dr. Michael Feld (based at 666 Dundee Road
#1302 in Northbrook, Illinois). My father paid for me to see Dr. Feld
for five hour-long sessions, which took place once a week for five
weeks. After the fourth session, I told my parents that I thought I
was beginning to benefit from the sessions. For some reason, my
father didn't want to pay for a fifth session (each session cost
$200), but I convinced him to pay for it, and he did, and that was
the last session I attended with Dr. Feld.
When
I reminded my father, several months later, that he was hesitant
about paying for the last session, he responded by telling me that he
remembered it the opposite way; that I was the one who didn't want to
go to the final session, and that he wanted me to go. But that was
incorrect; I know that because the only reason that the fifth session
was the final one, was because after the fourth session, I had to try
so hard to convince my father to pay for one last session.
My
father may have remembered that event incorrectly, or he may have
been trying to gaslight me again; I'm not sure. But I suspect that he
was trying to confuse me, because I think that father ended those
sessions because he knew that I was beginning to learn about and
research psychology and personality disorders. He probably suspected
that I was trying to figure out which psychological issues were
affecting him. I was, though; but not out of a lack of concern for
him. This was not the first time my father had expressed disdain
about members of his family learning about psychology; he called my
mother “Freud” at least once, probably when she said something
insightful, or perhaps critical, about his personality.
A
few months after ending sessions with Dr. Michael Feld – some time
in the autumn of 2015 – I spoke to my mother's sister Marsha
Peterson and her husband Loren. Marsha told me that she had
specifically warned my mother not to choose Dr. Feld for me. My
aunt's reason was that she had heard that Dr. Feld had been accused
of having an affair with one of his patients.
Since
I had no idea whether Feld is heterosexual or homosexual, the
revelation of that fact disturbed me. That's because if Feld had been
accused of sexual impropriety with a patient, and also homosexual or
bisexual, then he might have tried to sexually abuse me. That was the
absolute last thing I needed at the time. That's because at the time
I was seeing Dr. Feld, I knew for sure that my father had molested me
(and by that time I had even recovered memories about being pressured
to wear penny loafers, and recovered some of the memories described
in Incident #17).
When
I found out, after the sessions ended, that Dr. Feld had had an
affair with a patient, I called my mother and father, and told them
to meet me at my father's kitchen table for a conversation (about
multiple things which they and I wanted to talk about). I confronted
them about what I had discovered, explained how betrayed I had felt,
and then abruptly went to the patio to smoke a cigarette. After that,
my mother and father began to argue with each other, and my mother
left my father's house without saying goodbye to me.
I
have been telling my mother about the sexual abuse which I suffered
at the hands of my father in 1995 and 1996, since the month I came
home to Lake Bluff from Portland (February 2015) and also the month
before that (January 2015, when I called my mother from Portland to
tell her I suspected that some abuse had occurred). I desperately
needed psychological counseling at that point, to help recover from
having experienced trauma from sexual abuse as a child; but my
parents' response was to send me to a therapist who had had an affair
with his client, and then pressure me into taking anti-depressant
medication.
I
may have been experiencing a little Seasonal Affective Disorder, from
the winter and the lack of sunlight in Portland, at the time, but I
was not depressed; I was disturbed and sad because I was recovering
memories of having been molested as a child. If molesting a child
causes that child to experience “depression”, then that so-called
“depression” is a perfectly rational response to a depressing
thing such as molestation befalling them. Anti-depressant medication
does not “un-molest” a person; therefore, I did not need
anti-depressant medication. In fact, anti-depressant medication
probably would have only served to placate me, and also to shut me up
about the sexual abuse which I had suffered, for even longer.
Aside
from the risk that the anti-depressant medication could have
inhibited my attempts to recover lost repressed memories of abuse,
the fact that my father was paying for my sessions with Dr. Feld,
almost certainly would and could not have resulted – and in fact,
did not result – in the recovery of those memories.
Both
of my parents were present during my first session with Dr. Michael
Feld. When the session began, Feld asked me a question which I can't
remember; it was probably something general, like “What's wrong?”,
or “What's going on?”, or “Why are you guys here?”. I stayed
quiet; part of me didn't want to respond, because I suspected that my
father would not accept whatever I said. Instead of answering Feld, I
decided to find out whether either of my parents thought they had the
right to speak on my behalf. My father started explaining to Feld
what he personally thought was wrong with me. When my father spoke on
my behalf, it became clear to me that he sees me as a ventriloquist's
dummy, which is supposed to sit on his knee and say what he tells it
to say.
Feld
and I discussed a single one of the intrusive, nonsensical thoughts I
was having, and he talked about how there's a way to get rid of those
intrusive thoughts, or at least stop them. We never got around to
talking about how to do this, but my conversations with him did
motivate me to take some steps towards getting out of the house more
often, getting more sunlight and physical activity, and thinking
about getting a job. More than anything else, we mostly talked about
my need to be outside, and my need for sunlight, socialization,
employment, and independence, as well as my own place.
At
no point during those sessions – either while my father was
present, or while he was out of the room – did either I or Feld
discuss any of the “false memories”, nor any of the other hints
I'd received in my subconscious by that point, about sexual abuse
having occurred during my childhood. I simply didn't feel comfortable
bringing it up, and my father and Dr. Feld seemed to have more
important priorities (namely, getting me to the point where I could
have a job and keep it).
There
was simply no way that I could bring up, during these sessions, the
fact that I suspected my father of having molested me as a child,
without having to worry that my father might find out. I know that
patient confidentiality supposedly protects me, but if my father was
paying for the sessions, there was simply no way that my father
spending money would result in a disclosure or accusation of him
sexually abusing me. Those five sessions were thus a waste of a
thousand dollars.
I
realized, around the time these sessions occurred, that the only
chance I had at recovering more memories of abuse, was to try to jog
my own memory. I didn't mention the thoughts about abuse to Feld, and
had to cope with the resurfacing memories on my own, without anybody
to talk to about it over the next few years (except, occasionally, my
mother, when I had something important enough to say about what I had
recovered).
In
March and April 2015, I had stopped smoking cannabis, and save for my
cigarette smoking habit, I was effectively sober. However, since Dr.
Feld had prescribed me an antidepressant (I can't remember which
one), I couldn't help but feel like my family was trying to get me
back on drugs. I knew that taking antidepressants would make me gain
weight, become more lethargic, and become placated with my financial
and family situations, and I didn't want that. I wanted to take steps
to improve my life. Since trustworthy psychiatric counseling was out,
I had to research psychology on my own, and jog my memory to recover
suppressed memories, and write them down and talk to my mother about
it, instead of going to a professional (which I couldn't afford on my
own, and still can't).
One
final form of manipulation in which my father engaged, which affected
me then and continues to cause me problems, pertains to my mother,
rather than myself. My father has manipulated and intimidated not
only myself, but also my mother, into submission and dependence upon
him.
My
father gives my mother money every month because of the divorce, and
also pays my mother's mortgage. But he also employs her as his
secretary at his law office in Waukegan (Law Offices of Richard S.
Kopsick, P.C., located at 415 Washington Street, Suite #207). He pays
her $7 per hour, which is $1.25 below the legally mandated minimum
wage in Illinois of $8.25 per hour. My father has thus engaged in
illegal activity to keep my mother dependent upon him for money, in
addition to his legal but manipulative gift-giving (i.e., bribery,
in the form of the mortgage, and other gifts).
My
father's successful manipulation of my mother into dependence, has
served to make my mother into one of what are sometimes called
“Flying Monkeys”, the “helper monkeys” of narcissists who
defend them and make excuses for them. My mother has helped my father
shame me into accepting my father's gifts, and into refusing to
criticize my father on account of those gifts and his financial
support. This is another reason why I did not come forward about the
abuses as soon as I could have.
Another
form of manipulation in which my father engaged – with me in
addition to my mother – was subtle bribery.
As
I explained, my father would give gifts with strings attached, which
he would use to control me; most often, he would control how and when
I could use the gift. He would make me feel ashamed if I didn't want
to accept them, or expressed hesitation about accepting them (usually
because of the possible strings attached which could have been
involved).
He
would also make me feel ashamed for not expressing my gratitude
enough, and not appearing happy enough, when I would receive the gift
(for example, when he started renting the Kia Forte for me); but the
only reason I didn't express my gratitude openly, was because I was
afraid to express my emotion in front of him, for fear of him calling
me “effeminate” or making fun of me for the supposedly “feminine”
trait of showing how I feel.
I
later realized that my father's gifts were attempts to bribe me into
silence, and into accepting his continued emotional abuse, and into
refraining from criticizing him. I also believe that the shame which
my father inflicted upon me for being hesitant to accept his gifts,
was a way to gaslight me; he likely knew that his past mistreatment
of me has made it more and more difficult for me to accept his gifts.
The
myriad ways in which my father manipulated me, cannot be overstated.
My
father has routinely used pressure, coercion, bullying, and shouting,
to get his way, both during my childhood, and still today in my
adulthood. He issued ultimatums to make it impossible for me to make
my own decisions. He tried to shame and pressure me into confessing
things of which I wasn't guilty. He has bribed me, and guilt-tripped
me over my hesitation to accept his manipulative gifts.
My
father has gone months at a time having extreme difficulty being able
to listen to me for more than three seconds at a time. He has
subjected me to deprivations of privacy and public humiliation
through mean-spirited “teasing”. He has silenced and censored me.
He has monitored and limited my communications with friends and
family, and even printed out my posts on social media once. He forced
me into a state of isolation, social alienation, and loneliness; a
state in which I never felt safe nor comfortable talking about my
problems (let alone the abuse).
My
father caused me social dysfunction and social phobias in addition to
sexual dysfunction. The way he has treated me has caused me to
experience invasive memories about self-harm and suicide. Finally, he
delayed me getting trustworthy therapy for the abuse which he himself
inflicted upon me, before finally concluding that drugging me with
antidepressants was the best way to shut me up about everything that
had happened between us.
My
father has manipulated me throughout my life, and I suspect that most
of the things which he did to manipulate me, since the last incident
of abuse occurred, were done with the intention of keeping me quiet
about the abuse (as well as too confused about my relationship with
my father to explain what had happened).
10e.
Conclusion Regarding Aggravating Factors
The
law allows that, for the five-year limit on reporting abuse after
discovering it to be held not to apply in a case of Criminal Sexual
Abuse, the aggravating factors of “threats, intimidation,
manipulation, or fraud” must have been made against the victim,
subsequent to that abuse. As I explained, I have not been threatened
directly, but I was defrauded during the abuse, and intimidated and
manipulated after the abuse. That's why I believe that the five-year
limit should not apply in my case, and also that the presence of
fraud, intimidation, and manipulation, should be construed to
aggravate the seriousness of, and punishment for, the crimes
committed against me.
Illinois's
2003 law on childhood sexual abuse, ILCS § 5/13-202.2, provides
in subsection (b) that “an action for damages for personal injury
based on childhood sexual abuse must be commenced within 10 years of
the date [a person turns 18] or within 5 years of the date a person
abused discovers or through the use of reasonable diligence should
discover both (I) that the act of childhood sexual abuse occurred and
(ii) that the injury was caused by the childhood sexual abuse.”
That
time limit on reporting abuse, does not apply, however, if there were
“threats, intimidation, manipulation or fraud perpetrated by the
abuser or by any person acting in the interests of the abuser”. My
father did not threaten me, but he did use intimidation,
manipulation, and fraud against me; three of the four factors
necessary to prove that the crime was aggravated. My father's fraud
and manipulation were overt and obvious, while his intimidation was
less obvious but nonetheless took place.
I
have explained thus far in this statement how my father used
fraudulent denial of his past abuses, physical and psychological
intimidation (including arguing, shouting, and various forms of
emotional abuse), and forms of manipulation (including silencing and
censorship, social isolation, gaslighting, shaming, guilt-tripping,
pressuring into confession) to discourage me from making a second
attempt (since my childhood) to come forward about the abuse.
My
father used fraud between the incidents of abuse in order to get away
with more abuse, he used intimidation to scare me into submitting to
him (both physically during the abuse, and in terms of his control
over me), and he used manipulation and gaslighting in order to
pressure and control me, and confuse me, into trusting my own mind
(rather than relying on him) to figure out what had happened, and to
judge whether I had been touched against my will. And that touching
certainly was against my will; I clearly objected, in a variety of
ways, from the very moment these incidents began to happen, and he
ignored it, because he didn't care about my objections.
Additionally,
my father has refrained from mentioning the abuse out loud to me,
likely because between 2000 and 2014, he probably had no idea whether
I could remember the abuse, and (I suspect) because, if I had
forgotten the abuse, he wanted to avoid causing me to remember
it. That is how my father managed to defraud me, intimidate me,
and manipulate me into staying silent about the abuse, all without
ever verbally acknowledging or admitting, out loud, what,
specifically, he had done to me.
And
as if all that weren't enough, when I was finally ready for therapy
in 2015, I was unable to trust the therapist whom he had hired, and I
had to resist my parents' attempts to put me on antidepressants when
I was trying to stay sober.
I
have also explained why I feel that additional factors which
potentially aggravate the seriousness of the crime, should be
considered.
To
repeat, these factors include: 1) my father's dereliction of his
responsibility to teach me about sex in a healthy manner; 2) my
father's sexually awkward and creepy behavior and comments towards me
and several teenage girls with whom I grew up; 3) my father's
apparent approval of the unwanted touching inflicted upon me by Scott
Gibson; and 4) my father's hiring of Dr. Michael Feld despite my
aunt's specific warning to both of my parents about Feld's past
sexual impropriety.
Finally,
the fact that 5) my parents tried to get me on anti-depressants,
after my father may have encouraged me to drink whiskey following
Incidents #14 through #16, should also be considered as potential
aggravating factors. The outcome of me drinking alcohol as a child,
or taking anti-depressants as an adult, could have only served to
shut me up and placate me about the abuse, and risk exposing me to
further abuse by causing me to let down my guard, and to lower my
toleration for (and my resistance against) abusive treatment.
In his book The
Mass Psychology of Fascism,
psychoanalyst Wilhelm Reich wrote that “Suppression of the natural
sexuality in the child, particularly of its genital sexuality, makes
the child apprehensive, shy, obedient, afraid of authority, good and
adjusted in the authoritarian sense; it paralyzes the rebellious
forces because any rebellion is laden with anxiety; it produces, by
inhibiting sexual curiosity and sexual thinking in the child, a
general inhibition of thinking and of critical faculties. In brief,
the goal of sexual suppression is that of producing an individual who
is adjusted to the authoritarian order and who will submit to it in
spite of all misery and degradation”. Reich continues, “The
formation of the authoritarian structure takes place through the
anchoring of sexual inhibition and anxiety.”
I
believe that my father has done exactly that to me; he has repressed
my sexual expression (by, intentionally or unintentionally, causing
me to feel ashamed to discuss sexual topics with him). He has also
repressed a related function; my ability to communicate and socialize
without his guidance. He has done so in a manner which caused me to
submit to his authority for approval and assistance, more and more as
time went on when I was a child (and for a considerable number of
years into my adulthood).
I
believe this has been his intention; from the time my father told me
around the age of six “Don't masturbate too much”, up until just
several years ago when I became unable to ask him a single question
without him shouting at me. My father knows that, if he can snuff out
all questions and criticism from the start (by simply ignoring them,
talking over them, or shutting me up as soon as I begin to speak),
then he can make it impossible for me to interact with him at all,
without getting someone else involved. That's why I'm getting someone
else involved, in order to resolve this dispute.
My
father defrauded and tricked me into getting molested, manipulated
and intimidated me into states of silence and confusion, and shamed
and guilt-tripped me whenever I doubted or criticized him (or
expressed hesitance about accepting his gifts, or could not prove
that my grades hadn't come in yet). He also groomed me, and kept me
afraid to verbally or physically resist his restraint and
molestation.
He
kept me so afraid from the ages of ten to thirteen years old, that I
could scarcely (if even at all) remember the abuses which I had
suffered during the ages of eight and nine. He made it impossible to
talk to him openly and frankly about anything – grades, employment,
whatever I'd be doing while he wasn't looking – without risking a
shouting match. He made me into a shy and lonely child, afraid to
talk to most people without my father's supervision and
introductions. My father also limited my contact with family members.
I believe that he did this to keep me from talking.
My
father kept me in a constant state of terror as a child. Before his
sexual assaults, I was a quiet, yet fun-loving and happy, child.
After his abuse, I stayed quiet, but I could no longer trust my
father, didn't want to be around him, and experienced severe
difficulties getting along with other children. Later in life, I
experienced difficulties trusting others and sustaining romantic
relationships.
I
believe that I would have a much more healthy social life, less
sexual dysfunction, and much less fear in general, if my father had
not terrorized me as a child by depriving me of privacy, [shouting]
at me, inflicting these various forms of emotional abuse and
psychological torture which I have described (i.e., fraud
through gaslighting, and mental intimidation), and molested me.
All
of what I have described – that is, my accounts of incidents and
descriptions of patterns of my father's fraud, intimidation,
manipulation, gaslighting, and other creepy behavior – ought to
help explain why I have waited so long to come forward. It also ought
to help explain why the five-year limit on reporting childhood sexual
abuse after discovering it, should not apply in my case. Finally, the
fact that three of the four accepted aggravating factors (fraud,
intimidation, and manipulation) were present following the abuses
which I suffered, should help explain why the maximum punishment
should be considered for the crimes committed against me.
Hopefully
it will not be necessary to plan around that five-year limit; I
intend to submit this statement to police before the five-year
anniversary of discovering the abuse. That anniversary is either in
January 2020 or March 2020, or else in spring or summer of 2022,
depending on whether the standard regarding “discovering the abuse”
pertains to the first time I felt confident that I had been molested,
or the first time I successfully recovered true, specific, vivid
memories of sexual abuse).
“Discovery
of the abuse”, however, apparently pertains to something more
specific in the law; that is, the discovery of a causal relationship
between Criminal Sexual Abuse and some injury. I explain in this
statement why I believe that my father caused me sexual dysfunction,
emotional trauma, and damage to my reputation, as well as possible
injuries to my left lower rib cage and/or my lungs.
11. Proof
of the Defendant's Guilty Mind
11a.
Introduction
I
have observed several behaviors, and patterns of behaviors, of my
father, which indicate to me that he both knew what he was doing when
he sexually abused me, and knew that I objected but did it anyway.
Additionally, I have observed behaviors which suggest that my father
feels guilty about what he did, as well as fearful that he will be
exposed. I will also explain what I have confronted my father about
and what I haven't confronted him about, as well as to what he has
admitted, and to what he hasn't.
11b. Mens
Rea: Proof of Criminal Intent
A
necessary element of many crimes, is the presence of intention of
wrongdoing, on the part of the accused. The Latin legal term which is
relevant here, is “mens
rea”,
which means “guilty mind”. This is to say that, for a crime to be
said to have occurred, the accused person doesn't need to have only
committed some injurious action or conduct; the accused must also
have had malice aforethought. That is, the accused must have known
that what he was doing was wrong (and injurious to someone) and
decided to do it anyway, despite that fact.
The
behaviors which my father displayed, which suggest to me that he had
malice of forethought, knew what he was doing, and knew that what he
did was both wrong and unwanted, include the fraud which he committed
in order to get away with more abuse, apparent intent to derive
sexual gratification from the abuse, and the patterns of intimidation
and manipulation in which he engaged in order to cover-up the abuse
after it had happened.
As
I explained, some time after Incident #2, after the first time I was
molested on the couch in our basement, my father tricked me into
sitting behind his legs, so that he could abuse me again. He did this
by telling me that he was not going to do to me what he had done the
previous time (however he phrased it, I don't think he admitted
specifically what he had done). He knew that I didn't want to get
close to him, because I suspected that he would subject me to more
unwanted touching. He knew that he had to either apologize, or tell
me that he wouldn't do it again, in order for me to trust him enough
to get near him.
I
suspect that my father intended to derive, and did derive, sexual
gratification from the sexual abuse. For one, he was groping and
grabbing and fondling my penis and scrotum at the time, and touching
and poking and jabbing all over my body (especially my underarms). My
father would also be very sweaty after the incidents of abuse, as a
person would be after masturbating, or having sex, or achieving
sexual climax.
I
also feel confident in saying that my father had malice of
forethought, and intent to commit wrongdoing, when he engaged in
patterns of intimidation and manipulation in order to cover-up the
abuse (and silence me, and scare me into submission) after it had
happened.
The
frequency with which I objected to my father's unwanted touching,
during this abuse, and the variety of manners in which I attempted to
object and resist, should have indicated to any sane person that what
was happening to me was both painful and unwanted. My father, with
absolute 100% certainty, knew what he was doing, and knew that he was
hurting me. He could have stopped each and every single time I begged
and pleaded him to, but he didn't. He could have let me go when I
tried to get loose from his grip; he kept fondling my penis and
scrotum from below instead.
My
father knew that what he was doing was wrong. He did it either
because he didn't care that it was wrong, or because he doesn't
believe that there is a difference between right and wrong, or both.
Or maybe he just wanted to gratify himself sexually, using me as a
tool with which to do so. Whatever the case, my father is not only
guilty of acting in an extremely inconsiderate manner; he intended to
commit these acts of Criminal Sexual Abuse against myself as a minor
aged eight and nine years old. Therefore he had criminal intent, has
a guilty mind, and should be considered a criminal offender from the
perspective of Illinois state law.
11c.
Proof of the Defendant's Guilty Conscience
I
have observed behaviors in my father, and have witnessed
conversations involving him, which indicate to me that he remembers
what he did to me, knows it was wrong, and feels not only guilty
about it, but also feels afraid that he will get outed, exposed, or
caught.
On
several occasions, during the spring or summer of 2017 – between
early March and mid-June – I confronted my father in his living
room about some of the most traumatic events of my childhood, of
which I felt (and still feel) he was responsible.
On
the first occasion, I asked him to apologize for the way he would
slam my bedroom door, almost in my mother's face, when she would try
to get into my bedroom while my father was “disciplining” me and
my brother (really, shouting at us at the top of his lungs, and
trying to scare us into obeying him and behaving well). He
apologized, saying “I'm sorry” and nothing more. It was the kind
of matter-of-fact, obviously pressured apology which you would expect
to receive from a child, who doesn't really understand what he has
done, and is just apologizing to save face and because someone
prompted him to do so.
Possibly
on the same occasion as the previous conversation, I told my father
that I remembered him tickling me until I couldn't breathe when I was
younger. I told him that he should have been able to recognize that I
was objecting, and that you're not supposed to tickle a child until
he can't breathe and is screaming at you and begging you to stop. My
father apologized after asking a few clarifying questions about what
I was talking about. I don't believe that I mentioned any unwanted
genital touching during that conversation; I didn't have the courage
to do so. [Note: I don't believe that I have yet mentioned any
specific details of the abuse, having to do with genital touching. I
could be wrong, however; I might have mentioned molestation during
this conversation, and forgotten about it later. I don't think I did,
though.]
On
a later occasion within that same time frame, I asked my father
something like, “Are you ever going to apologize for half-molesting
me when I was a kid?” I can't remember his response, but the fact
that I can't remember it, makes me suspect that he probably didn't
say anything. Maybe he apologized, but if he did, then it was a very
short apology, and nothing about his reaction to my question stuck
out as evidence that he understood the full details of what occurred
during the events for which he was apologizing, nor that he
understood how much those incidents of abuse hurt me physically and
emotionally.
My
father may have apologized for mistreating me and my mother, but he
has still not verbally acknowledged – either to myself, or to
anyone else – that he engaged in unwanted touching of my genitals.
He admitted to, and apologized for, doing what he did to me right
before the unwanted genital groping would begin, but he still hasn't
admitted to, nor acknowledged, the actual unwanted touching of my
penis and scrotum (over my clothes) itself.
If
my father had any genuine remorse about what he did to me and my
mother, then he would admit to somebody besides my mother that he
mistreated her, and he would admit to somebody besides me that he
molested me. If my father had remorse, then he would attempt to come
forward, or turn himself in, or come to me to apologize before I
confronted him. If my father had any remorse, then he would be able
to talk about the specific details of what he did, explain how he
came to understand that what he did was wrong, and explain why it was
wrong, and apologize based on that line of logic. However, he has
done none of those things. That is why I suspect that my father has
feelings of guilt, but not genuine remorse. The only thing he feels
guilty or sorry about, is the possibility that he will eventually get
caught or exposed, or arrested, for what he did.
There
are also some examples of my father's attempts at gaslighting, which
to me suggest that he is being plagued by feelings of guilt over what
he did. His attempts to confuse and shame me into thinking that I am
insane and that the abuse did not happen, as well as one attempt he
made to deny molesting me, cause me to suspect that my father is like
a leaky pipe about to crack, whose words are betraying him, as he
struggles to “get out in front” of the potential future
accusations of sexual abuse before they start.
My
father would engage in gaslighting, to make me think that there was
no legitimate conflict between us, and that the abuse didn't happen,
and that I was radical, “on the edge”, and out of my mind. My
father has said things to me such as “You are really out there,
man” and “You're crazy”, whenever I have expressed unusual
viewpoints, or viewpoints which criticize or conflict with his own
opinions. I believe that my father engages in this pattern of
manipulation in order to make me and others think that I am crazy and
my father is not. The opposite is true.
There
might be several reasons why my father called his victim (i.e., me)
crazy. One explanation that seems likely, is the possibility that my
father knows that attacking and undermining the credibility of the
victim is only the second most effective way to intimidate a child
molestation victim into submission after abuse. By making me doubt
the validity of my own memories (and also my own convictions about
right and wrong), my father found a way to get away with his crimes,
which required even less effort on his part.
Another
reason why I believe that my father knew what he did, and is
experiencing feelings of guilt – and even a need to confess his
crimes – is the fact that he denied molesting me in a conversation
to my mother, without being prompted by anything.
On
approximately February 25th,
2015, my parents picked me up in my father's car, from the Metra
train station in west Lake Forest; I was returning home from
Portland, Oregon. Some time within the following week or two, my
mother told me that she had recently had a conversation with my
father, during which he denied having molested me. This conversation
might have happened in my father's car, while my father and mother
were on their way to pick me up, or it could have happened earlier or
slightly later; I'm not sure.
Whenever
the conversation happened, my mother told me about it later; probably
some time in either the last few days of February 2015, or else the
first two weeks of March 2015. My mother told me that she was talking
to my father about some posts which I had made on Facebook. By this,
she was probably referring to either the posts I made which seemed to
have suicidal content, or the post I made about my father getting
cavity searched (which actually happened to someone else), or she
could have been referring to both of them. Whatever the case, from my
mother's telling of the story, her question was probably as vague as
to simply reference “Facebook posts”.
It's
odd that the mere mention of my Facebook posts, caused my father to
respond the way he did. My mother said to my father something like
“People have told me they're concerned about what Joey's been
posting on Facebook”, or maybe “Joey's been making some posts on
Facebook that are kind of worrying”. I wasn't there, so I don't
know the exact question she asked. But my father responded “I
didn't molest him.”
The
way my mother tells the story, makes it sound like my father placed
the emphasis of the sentence on the word “I”. The way he intoned
the sentence, suggests that he said it as a way to assert his
innocence, and to get an accusation of guilt off of himself in
particular, as opposed to anybody else. However, this would not make
sense if he were innocent, because my mother had not accused him of
molesting me in the first place. She didn't even mention molestation,
nor unwanted touching, during that conversation, and I know that
because I've asked her clarifying questions about that conversation
between her and my father.
I
know that my father had been reading my Facebook posts at the time,
because I discovered printouts of screenshots of my Facebook posts
from late 2014 and early 2015, in my father's home office, shortly
after I moved in with him in late February 2015. Considering that my
father had been reading my Facebook posts, and considering that my
mother called me in late 2014 about the post about the cavity search,
my father probably knew that I had been posting about both him, and
unwanted sexual touching. However, I never mentioned sexual touching
at the hands of my father in any of my Facebook posts, nor did I
allude to it in any specific way (which was because I hadn't yet
recovered any vivid enough details to mention to anyone).
What
all of this means, is that, even if my father had been monitoring all
of my Facebook posts, and closely, he still would not have been able
to know for sure whether I had told anyone, or made posts, about
specific abuses at the hands of my father. That is probably why he
said “I didn't molest him” as soon as my mother brought up my
Facebook posts, without molestation having even come up until that
point in the conversation.
This
is why I suspect that my father has a guilty conscience, which is
catching up to him, and making him admit things to which he doesn't
want to admit. In the most literal sense possible, he has still
admitted nothing, but the fact that he specifically denied molesting
me, at a totally inappropriate and nonsensical time to do so, leads
me to believe that he knows what he did, knew it was wrong, is
plagued by guilt from it, and still (despite all that) wants to deny
it and cover it up.
Another
example of my father's behavior, which I think shows his guilt-ridden
state of mind, was the trip to Barcelona which we took in April 2019.
I suspect that my father's goal of taking me on this trip was to
literally “guilt-trip” me; that is, to bribe me into silence, and
into refraining from criticizing him, by giving me an extravagant
gift, which he could use to manipulate me and inflict feelings of
shame upon me for feeling hesitant about accepting.
My
father did two things during that trip, which I consider to have been
indicators of his guilt-ridden conscience. On the evening we returned
to his house from the trip, he hugged me. He didn't force me to hug
him, nor did he coerce me. I can't remember whether he verbally asked
for a hug. I hugged him, even though I felt extremely comfortable
doing so. I hugged him because I felt obligated to do so, and because
I was afraid of what would happen if I didn't hug him. Most likely,
an argument would start, or my father would pretend to feel sad and
confused about why I seem to hate him so much for no reason.
That
hug communicated to me that both the trip and the hug were my
father's attempts to resolve the “disagreements” between us, but
I cannot be bought with trips, nor placated with being pressured to
hug my abuser. I avoided hugging him on Christmas 2019, but I don't
know how long I can keep it up without either someone else's help, or
my father admitting to what he did.
The
other indicator of a guilty mind happened during the trip itself. One
night, my father and I were staying in our hotel (Hotel Colon in
Barcelona), and I was telling him about how former vice president Joe
Biden was caught pinching a young girl's nipple live on C-SPAN. I
also explained the accusations of childhood sexual abuse which Dylan
Farrow leveled against her father Woody Allen. My father and I also
discussed criminal prosecution of childhood sexual abuse, statutory
rape, and other similar crimes. During that conversation, my father
told me, “If somebody raped you, I would want them to be punished
to the fullest extent possible.” This seemed as clear an attempt as
any of the others, to gaslight me about the abuse and deny
responsibility at the same time.
My
father's guilty conscience is making him admit what he did, by making
him deny what he did in too specific a manner. It is like saying
“John Smith got murdered”, and then hearing someone say, “I
didn't kill John Smith!” as a response.
I
really didn't appreciate hearing the phrase “if somebody raped you”
coming out of my father's mouth. Somebody did rape me, it was my
father, and I believe that he has no intent whatsoever to make sure
that “whoever raped me” is punished to the fullest extent of the
law.
I
should also mention a set of incidents which occurred when I was
between the ages of twelve and twenty years old, because these
incidents may also indicate my father's thoughts, or frame of mind,
concerning childhood sexual abuse.
In
2000, a resident of Lake Bluff was arrested for possession of child
pornography. That woman's name is Diane M. Ross. She formerly went by
Diane Buck, while she was married to Willis Buck, Jr.. Their
children, Marie Buck and Willis Buck, attended Lake Bluff schools
with me and my brother. I can't remember exactly which year I
discovered that Diane Ross had been arrested for possessing child
pornography, but I do remember my brother telling my father that she
had been arrested.
I
remember being in my father's former residence at 12859 Atkinson Road
in Lake Bluff, either in 2005 or 2006, when I was either eighteen or
nineteen years old. My brother Michael, my father, and I were sitting
around his dining room table. My brother told my father that Diane
Ross had been arrested for possessing child pornography; it had been
at least several years since her arrest at that point.
My
father's reaction seems strange in retrospect, because he did not
show any signs of being outraged, sickened, nor afraid for either his
safety nor the safety of the community. More than anything, he seemed
dumbfounded and incredulous. Granted, most people react to news of
child sex crimes with incredulity and disbelief; but my father's
reaction seemed to lack any sense of genuine shock, despite his
disbelief. My father asked a few clarifying questions to make sure
that we were talking about the same Diane Ross whose two children
went to our school, and once my brother confirmed her identity, my
father simply seemed surprised and slightly alert, and incredulous
but not visibly shocked, nor outraged in the manner which one would
expect from a parent.
Looking
back on that conversation, it seems likely that the reason why my
father's reaction seemed so underwhelming, is because learning about
Diane Ross's possession of child pornography probably prompted him to
remember sexually abusing me at the ages of eight and nine. It's
possible that my father was too worried - about the possibility of
his own eventual arrest for similar sex crimes against a child – to
display any signs of shock, horror, or outrage. His lack of outrage
could also be explained by the fact that he would hardly have any
right to be angry at someone who committed a sex crime against a
child; because judging by what happened to me, committing sex crimes
against a child is literally one of his favorite things to do. He
could not have felt, nor expressed, outrage, at Ross's crimes,
without feeling a sense of guilt, or a sense of outrage at himself
for his own actions.
12. Proof
That I Am a Reliable Witness, That I'm Telling the Truth, and
That My Memory is Intact
I know that I said a lot of strange things in late 2014
and early 2015; many of which didn't seem to make sense. However, I
was in a state of confusion and cognitive dissonance because I had
been recovering suppressed memories of my father's sexual abuse,
which I had to deal with while I began living with him.
I
was also very lonely from losing my best friend and girlfriend (and
soon after this I lost my job and my apartment). Any person would
have exhibited symptoms of confusion, depression, or even a disturbed
mental state, if so many bad things had happened to them over such a
short period of time.
Despite
the fact that I provided incorrect information the first few times I
tried to report the abuse as an adult, I regret those errors, I have
corrected those details whenever I have recovered new information,
and I am not suffering from anywhere near as much confusion as I was
five years ago.
I
am certain that none of the memories of incidents are implanted
memories. Neither anyone with whom I was speaking at the
time (i.e., Annie
Dean), nor
anyone to whom I was listening over the internet (i.e., Alan
Watts and Vashti Bunyan), implanted memories of sexual abuse in my
mind.
I
know that Annie did not implant memories of abuse, nor suggest sexual
abuse to me, because I remember being the one who first brought it up
to her, when I was in her apartment in early January 2015. I know
that I wasn't under her powers of suggestion, because we had already
broken up at that point, and I had previously expressed disapproval
at the fact that she wanted me to take estrogen pills like her
previous boyfriend did. Additionally, I openly disagreed with Annie
all the time.
At
numerous times between attempts to report these incidents of abuse,
and at numerous times during the composition of this report, I have
engaged in several forms of “reality testing” to see if the
thoughts I've experienced are true memories.
When
I think of being “tickled” on the gray couch in our basement, my
mind floods with memories of trying to swat and push and pry my
father's hands away from various parts of my body. These memories are
so intense and vivid that they cause me to experience a feeling of
need to strike someone or physically resist.
The
visceral, physical response I experience, when I think of these
thoughts of abuse, makes me absolutely certain that they are memories
of something which I really experienced.
I
would like to make it clear that the fact that I have provided such a
detail report, and the fact that I am claiming that memory problems
prevented me from coming forward earlier, do not conflict with one
another.
I
owe the fact that I am able to remember vivid details of some of the
incidents, but not others, to the facts that I suffered oxygen
deprivation during the abuse (which likely negatively impacted my
ability to form new memories at the time) but I do not drink alcohol
as much as most people do.
I
believe abstaining from alcohol has allowed me to remember as much of
the details of abuse as I have included within this document.
I
should also make it clear that the reason why this report looks so
polished, is because I have a lot of experience writing (political
theory and legislative analysis, not fiction). Moreover, I work as a
private security guard, and as part of that job, I was trained
according to state standards, regarding how to fill out an incident
report, and what types of questions to ask during the discovery of
information.
I
would not have written a 330-page report, if I weren't sure about the
sexual, emotional, and physical abuses which my father inflicted upon
me. I would not have written this report unless I had projects
pending which were much more important. There is no political topic
about which I could write, which would be more important to me now,
than it is to hold my child molester accountable for his criminal
actions.
I
also want to make it clear that I would not engage in deliberate acts
of slander, nor libel, against my father; nor would I waste the time
of the police (nor risk my own freedom) by knowingly filing a false
or falsified police report. I have not done so; all the information
in this report is true to the best of my recollection, and any errors
or inconsistencies are not intentional, and are purely the result of
mistakes on my part.
I
should explain, before concluding this statement, how I am so sure
that my father did not molest me “by accident”, and how I am so
sure that what my father did to me was only tickling and I am
exaggerating it.
My
father is a very controlling, domineering person, who doesn't accept
faults, nor failures, and acts as if every mistake a person makes
were intentional. There is no way that such a controlling person
could have “accidentally” molested his own son. Moreover, an
“accident” implies that the mistake was made only once or several
times, and then fixed. My father has not “fixed” the problem,
because he has not admitted the abuse.
Additionally,
there is simply no possible way that a person could “accidentally”
molest a child more than four times (the minimum number of times I
could have been molested). Most, if not all, of the incidents of my
father's abuse, were intentional on his part; I know that because the
statement which he used to defraud me into more abuse, seemed to
acknowledge what he had done (although without communicating any
responsibility nor remorse for it).
13. Conclusion,
and Signature of the Plaintiff
I,
JOSEPH WILLIAM KOPSICK, hereby swear that all of the above
information is true to the best of my recollection, and that I am of
sound mind and body, and competent to appear in court, and competent
to testify and make statements against my abuser, RICHARD STEVEN
KOPSICK.
Signed,
["Joseph
William Kopsick", signed in script writing.
Signature
included only in copy made available to the police.]
JOSEPH
WILLIAM KOPSICK,
author
of this statement
signed
on December 31st,
2019
14. Appendix of Images and Documents
14a. Image #1: Positions My Father and I Would Be in Before the Abuse Started (Drawing)
14b.
Image #2: Positions My Father and I Would Be in Before the Abuse
Started (Drawing)
14c.
Image #3: Positions My Father and I Would Be in During the Abuse
(Drawing)
14d.
Image #4: Me as a Child, With My Father (Two Photographs)
14e.
Image #5: Me Happy as a Child (Two Photographs)
14f.
Image #6: Me Unhappy as a Child, With Cousins (Two Photographs)
14g.
Image #7: Me Unhappy at the Ages of Five or Six, and Seven (Two
Photographs)
14h.
Image #8: Me Unhappy at My Seventh Birthday Party (Two Paragraphs) [i.e., Photographs]
14i.
Image #9: Me Unhappy at My Seventh Birthday Party (Two Paragraphs) [i.e., Photographs]
14j.
Image #10: Me Unhappy at My Seventh Birthday Party (Two Paragraphs) [i.e., Photographs]
14k.
Image #11: Me with a Blank Expression at Around Ten (Photograph)
14l.
Image #12: Me with a Blank Expression at Around Eighteen (Photograph)
14m.
Image #13: My Brother's Baby Picture on My Father's Living Room Table
(Photograph)
14n.
Image #14: Two Texts From My Mother Stating That She Believes My
Claims
(Computer Image)
14o.
Image #15: Components of Sex Crimes in the Illinois Criminal Code
(Document)
14p.
Image #16: Statutes of Limitations on Reporting Sex Crimes in
Illinois (Document)
14q.
Image #17: Rules of Physical Evidence Concerning Sex Crimes in
Illinois (Document)
For More Information
Watch
my video about a Lake County prosecutor declining to file charges
against my father:
Read
about Diane Ross's 2000 child pornography bust, at the following
links:
Read
about the allegations against Dave Miller, at the following link:
Read
my letter to Kathleen o'Hara, at the following link:
Post
Created, and Introduction Written, on May 22nd, 2020
Introduction
Edited and Expanded, and Images Added,
on
May 23rd and 24th, 2020
Sworn
Victim's Statement,
Addressed
to the Lake Bluff Police Department,
Written
Between Early October 2019 and December 31st, 2019
Links Added on July 2nd, 2020
Most photographs replaced with censored versions
on May 25th, 2021
