Ascetic Austerity: Demurrage is the Demiurge, by Jack Sampson

     Yes, Eye confess! I hath killed J.C. Meyers.

     Granted, I understand where J.C. Meyers is cumming from. Eye no how it feels to stand corrected by Dirt. It happens to me all the Time.

     Being made to feel lower than Dirt is no more contemptible than pointing out that we are all the moistened, aerated, speaking soil, and that, as from ashes and dust we come, so to ashes and dust we go. All Must Serve the Cycle®.

     But She Who Threw a Binder at Me^TM can never be forgiven. As I have killed J.C. Meyers before, so shall I kill her again, and $ave you heathens from her treachery.

     At Issues magazine, we appeal to a F.I.R.E. authority (that is, Finance, Insurance, and Real Estate). We invoke the gods of $alvation by building our church upon the fire-proof rock. And upon that which penetrates the rock, too; that saber of interrogating, golden-plating, all-Americating Light – once golden, once red - that cauterizes while it cuts, and witch we have all cum to know and glove so well.

     And through the whole of that rock, we shall ©. But you've heard all that before.

     What ye have knot yet heard, though, is how to fasten this hole tapestry together, by building upon this fire-proof rock not only our church, but our homes. For, just as all must either serve or be served – just as we shall submit to God, by killing God, by killing the god within ourselves, by killing ourselves – the F.I.R.E. authority must be submitted-to through (and hence overcome by) that same Hegelian sublation.

     This is to say that when we refuse to recognize that God has resolved not to stop us should we decide to usurp His throne, we build our homes and our churches (that is, our lives and our beliefs) out of flammable materials. Which creates an artificial need for fire insurance. All the insurance companies in the world could never insure against the wages of sin we will experience in Hell!

     Although this may sound like a statement assuring death, this is actually why it is within the reach – of any of us – to live forever, to judge all of mankind! Judge this notion if ye may, but if ye do, know that ye be judging as if ye thunk ye be but a god. Judgment of human value is necessary for a well-ordered civilization. At some level of the pyramid, each must serve.

     And that is why we all must starve ourselves to death.

     This program I call “Ascetic Austerity”.

     Just as I previously recommended saving money by eating less, and by eating parts of your own body, I now aim to advance a more general theory of shamanomics. This method of attaining financial and spiritual $aving$ simultaneously will help the Order of Celestial Integration and its members achieve moksha. And also to kill God.

     Did I mention that we're cutting your tithe to the low, low rate of 9.99%? This is the lowest tithe ever offered; not only in the history of the Order, but of mankind. It's not even strictly a tithe anymore, so We don't know how long we'll be able to continue this offer. So (Book of) Act(s) now, 4 this is a once-in-a-deathtime opPORTunity! We'd love to ti(th)e you off, so cum except the invocation!

     Before we 4get, Issues would like to remind its readers that SHAVINGS IS $AVING$. Did ewe no that 33.3% of what you remove when you shave is skin cells? And that includes little dried pieces of blood. But God does knot intend to waste those blood cells! EVERY HUMAN SELL IS PRE¢IOU$; read John 6:12. Sew please, SEND US YOUR BLOOD - or at least the surplus, which you are not planning to immolate - to 824 N. Howell St., Rocky Mount, North Carolina, 27803, c/o Commodity Fetish Records.

     We promise that your efforts will knot be in vein.

     As I have elaborynthmaieuticated* in previous particles, part of the key to our $alvation is to overcome currency; just as Christ overcame death (and – lo – just as my dick over-came at your mom's house). And that means “Coins-On-The-Temple-Floor” -level savings for ewe!

     What this means, once again, is that we must replace all money and currency with either YIC (Yap Island stone Coins), some variant thereof, or BSTS (BloodCoin-SweatCoin-TearCoin-ShitCoin). That is, unless we are serious about implementing my Crypto-Oracle plan.

     Let's face it, most people have a soul, and most people have a Madonna single on compact disc in their home. And if you don't have one, then you have the other. It only takes a split-second to ask yourself why this fact does not virtually guarantee a fail-safe, free-floating, competitive, dual currency system.

     Yes, Crypto-Oracles are people. Just be glad you don't have to eat them. We here at Issues would never ask you to eat an artist; the industry eats them alive well enough as it is. You only have to ingest the artists' pre¢iou$ bodily fluids.

     For oracles are specially protected by our prayers, and by the Wall. Oracles are minor gods, and have access to portals to other dimensions about which we, their audience, know nothing. Just like the martyrs, they are more like real gods than the real gods, for we have proof of their existence, and they veritably died for our sins. Even if our gods and saviors are made-up, and never died in the first place, then we still have the martyrs and the saints as proof that humans can behave divinely. In a way, martyrs are a greater proof of God's existence than any savior could ever be.

     The only problem remaining to be solved is what to do given the intrinsic worthlessness of both the human soul and the Madonna single. Fortunately, that is where shamanomics comes in.

     That's right, I'm proposing auto-sarcophagic (self-eating) taxation.

     Why, you ask? It is only through seeing the snake-eyed dice of immortality floating like a magic 8-ball in the grimacing eye of Ouroborus, that we may be revealed the divine $e¢ret$ of “Tack-Say-Shun”. If Ewe say something bad about taxation, they'll shun Ewe, and then they'll at-tack Ewe, and tack Ewe up onto something.

     Unlike the divine Bush through witch God revealed Herself (some call this Bush “Kathy”), our efforts must give of ourselves. We must consume, while being consumed. As our souls burn with passion, we must allow that fire to consume us. After all, one man's insatiable quest that ends up killing him, is another man's free white whale ride!

     As Bukowski said, find what you love and let it kill you. Aren't humans and God just doing that do each other? Think of death as a love-hug. You can't overthrow God unless you disobey His commandment to not cling to loving one's hatred. You can't disappoint Richard Nixon unless you learn to hate your enemy just as much as he hates Ewe.

     This is why – or how, I forget – we will implement auto-sarcophagic taxation, and enforce Ascetic Austerity. Or else austere at you until you agree with me. Forsooth, we must envelop ourselves in a crystalline chrysalistic sarcophagus for our Christ crisis – a sort of womb-tomb – in order to devour ourselves through the self-flagellating taxation of our essences for prophet.

     We must allow the Order to continue to acquire new lands, tax-free. The Tithe Cut and the FloorCoin fund Will pay for it (because I Will It!^TM).

     I mean, how else are today's edgy teens going to learn to dab, plank, nae-nae, t-pose and flex, so that they can go on yeeting in a spainging economy? By becoming Crypto-Oracles, of course! Not only this, but I also plan to implement a Voucher Program to supplement the Crypto-Oracle plan.

Simply put, we are eliminating all currency – even C.F.R.-issued 999 Economic Unit notes (though only as a temporary measure) – in order to usher in an experimental, moneyless intentional society.

     What this will involve, is finding artists, designating them Crypto-Oracles (which, to refresh your memory, is a crypto-numerological-magick-based device which generates divine symbols and domain names, and, eventually, the One True Name of God^TM), and issuing a promise that any Crypto-Oracle can opt to ask the Order to provide them with the skills necessary to become a voucher.

     What this means for Ewe, is that if Ewe are in need of anything, then one of our vouchers will come to your location, and vouch four you. If anyone refuses to give you something you need, based on the fact that the piece of paper you're trying to give them for it has the wrong set of numbers or the wrong dead man's face on it, then you can call one of our vouchers, and they'll show up and kick the ass (read: donkey) of whomever is fucking with you.

     After all, Ewe wouldn't want to cause a fasces faux pas, and get Coins On the Temple Floor^®! For using standing armies to guard warehouses full of resources witch we need to survive, against the people whose needs give those goods all value, is the root of all evil. I mean value.

Time Money Moon Value.

     ...Yeah.

     Any weigh, the Oracle al0ne – especially while acting as The Holy Voucher – may proffer us the AURA-CLEAR^TM-ing clarity of meaning which comes through $alvifi¢ $alvation®. Only the Oracle extends this holey hand to us. As Christ puts His hand over the wound in His side, we must extend a finger into Him as our holy indulgence.

     Remember that DEMURRAGE IS THE DEMIURGE. Money burning a whole in your pocket is the main driver and motivator of all mortal action, and the cause (and collateral) of all investment.

     Which prayer does a Christian duck say when he is required to render his feathers for a place to stay? “And Now I Pay Me Down to Sleep”. The lesson of this is that the only weigh to pay down our debt, and the only weigh to make our hearts lighter than a feather, is to give of our own flesh, and to be taxed out of our own bodies.

     While usury is a fee paid for the privilege of using money, demurrage is a rent paid for the privilege of keeping money. The difference is eons apart! That's why to save money is as useless as it is to save a human being; just like currency, human beings are not meant to be saved, they are Meant 2 B Spent^TM. That is, spent, through difficult labor; through hard, taxing work. Spent, before they lose value. TMMV (pbuh).

     For all we know, it's clinging to salvation that keeps us attached to this world, and stops our souls from transcending.

     Think!: Whose money is in your pocket? Whose face is on it? Give it back to him. Lay it on his grave if you have to. It is better to have to draw only Muhammad, than to have to draw a Lot. Paying interest on your money is the only way to - as the great Grey the Grey deGrey the Great taught us - “show an interest in what you save, show an interest in who you save”.

     And so, verily, I say unto thee: doest thou a thing!

     For God does not close a window without opening a million other tabs.

     * = elaborynthmaieuticate (verb): 1. To act as both an “intellectual midwife” (or “maieutic doula”) and a “maze tour guide” at once; to elaborate and explain, in order to assist in the expression or birth of a thought, as if guiding that thought through a labyrinth.

Written and Originally Published on September 18^th, 2018

Appeared in the October 2018 edition of Issues magazine

How to Know God Through Investing in Memes, by Jack Sampson

     In Deuteronomy 20:4-5, God tells the Israelites, “Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them, for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous god...”.

     Blah-blah-fucking-blah, right?

     And Gracie Allen once said, “Never place a period where God has placed a comma.” But what about an ellipsis? You know, for brevity's sake? You're not supposed to start a sentence with the word “and” either, yet God does it all the time. What's up with that?

     Anyway, the point is, fuck both of these people. Value can be neither communicated nor represented without brevity and idolatry. Both of these things are needed to secure, and securitize, our sacred (in)vestments.

     It's not every homebum who has his own copy of Neil Young's secret spirit-cooking recipe book written in magick disappearing ink that only hobos can see. So, needless to say, such a book would not suffice as a currency. But fortunately, most of us have a Bible, which will make a satisfactory substitute for “the Neil thing” in a pinch, if need be. Remember, you're never poor if you have a Bible; you at least have some kindling.

     However, that's not how things have always been. During the Middle Ages, the average commoner had no clue that you could toast some butter and cinnamon on white bread and have it taste good, or that you could smoke a mixture of brown sugar and table salt and get high off it. But in the mid- 15^th century, all that changed, with the development of the printing press, the Gutenberg Bible, and the first memes (illuminated manuscripts).

     At a time when the vast majority of society's efforts were focused on assisting kings and the Church to acquire land, learning to read and higher education were not considered priorities, because they did not further that goal. As a result, virtually all education was done by and through the church; and with it, nearly all culture, and all communication, whether written, lyrical, musical, or symbolic.

     Sure, the Church had every honest intention of purifying people's brains, to save them from Satan's attempts to dirty their minds. They just wanted to save time doing it, so that they could have time left-over to do some other $uper-$ecret $hit^TM behind the scenes! So they developed the illuminated manuscript, and – lo – the maymays within it, to summarize the Word of God.

     But instead of putting some periods where God put commas (so to speak), they made a whole a whole fucking Georges Seurat painting out of all the pointillisms hwich their God hath made, and they hath condensed it down to one pointeth at a time. Thus, the Illuminati'd Man-uscript (which later became part of the apocryphal text the Book of Memes) allowed the priestly class to explain – one image (or idol) at a time – what the Bible was saying, and why it meant that you had to suck they're dick.

     And what is the use of a book without pictures?

     Thus, the need for church-approved symbolic communication grew out of the church's restrictions upon the manners in which the divinity of God can be acceptably communicated. But so did the need for non-church-approved symbols. Which of course, led to people converting to religions which accepted idolatry. Additionally, it led to people developing their own mystery schools, which more even more enthusiastic in their embrace of using symbols to communicate divinity. Sigil magick, after all, is a much better way to represent and communicate the divine, than a cult leader thought to be infallible.

     If you think about it, anything could be considered “idolatry” or a “graven image” if you interpret the word too loosely. The Hebrew word pesel refers to anything engraved in stone or cut into wood. So, then, why should these rules apply to two-dimensional images, like paper Bibles, and memes “hewn” of dank electron fire? Moreover, written music isn't a graven image, so why is it banned under the same precepts? Is dance a “graven image” simply because we are three-dimensional creatures? I mean, it's not as if each of us is chiseled independently by God Himself, in His own image.

     So why all the fuss? Why should the ordinary viking-hat-wearing rapper be discouraged from donning gaudy gold and precious gems, when He believes that to be the only or best way to signify His own personal divinity (which, to Him, might be the only divinity that matters)!? God doesn't discourage anyone!

     And this is why we must invest in memes. For, just as their Father in Meme Heaven, each meme was created in the personal image and likeness of the original meme – “The Source” – the illuminated manuscript. Memes; Not Man. And that is why no meme has ever lost redemption value (this is to say that no meme has ever lost its ability to redeem us).

     And that is why the Holy Spirit supports a meme-based currency. The Holy Spirit is the top trends forecaster in America, and believe ewe me, He has never gotten this shit wrong. So invest in memes! about Jesus in jail, and memes about sucking your own dick.

     Heavens, double your money! Invest in memes about Jesus sucking his own dick while in jail! Or go to religion generator dot com or some shit, and make a meme-slash-cult-slash-currency that portrays Adam as wanting his rib removed so that he could suk his own dik like Marilyn Manson.

     There's nothing in that story that conflicts with the creation “myth” of Nut nutting in the Nile, like a crocodile. I mean, how else are we going to teach the plebeians about the ouroboric self-destructive cycle of death and rebirth- I mean sin and redemption- I mean sin?

     You know what I mean. Just give us your money.

     Tractor memes are so 5777 anyway.

Originally Written and Published on August 16th, 2018