The following is an announcement of the candidacy of myself, Jack Sampson, for spiritual leader of the Order of Celestial Integration. The Order of Celestial Integration, or "the Order" for short, is an apocalyptic death cult -slash- record label based out of North Carolina.
My opponent is pastor J.C. Meyers.
This article was first published in Issues magazine in its September 2018 issue.
Have ewe herd the good gnus!?
It is eye, your deer leader Jack Sampson, come to save you from high psychic trolls and high psychic tolls!
You may recall from earlier issues of Issues that I invoked an anarchist grand jury, and called for a special election, challenging J.C. Meyers for the title of spiritual leader of the Celestial Order of Integration.
It Had 2 B Done!TM. Waterfall, J.C. Meyers hath invited and condoned this special election; I was just The One(R) who started turning the gears. J.C. Meyers should not have called for more prophets, if she were not willing to accept a little competition for her position.
J.C. Meyers may seem caught off-guard, or even shocked, that I have challenged her for the title of spiritual leader of the Celestial Order of Integration. But she should have seen this coming, and thought of that before she called for more prophets.
But there's nothing more shocking than the way I'd like to be elect(rocut)ed:... same way the popes do it: through a conclave (con = with, and clave = key). Benjamin Frankly, I want to be electrocuted with a key. And there's no better way to celebrate a good election than with an erection... of an obelisk... in tribute to... me, Jack Sampson.
Where was I going with this? ...Obelisks... Oh yeah. Fuck J.C. Meyers!
Now – and this brings me to my first point - I would bet that the folks over at the J.C. Meyers campaign will tell you that J.C. Meyers called for more profits, as opposed to prophets with a “p-h”. But this is a misleading distraction; from the fact that any good snake-tongued oracle ought to be well aware of the three meanings witch their words will inevitably imply to each respective listener. I explain this in detail, in my book - Time, Money, Moon, Value! - in the passages concerning Eleggua's hat and the forked tongue of Christ. Yea, yea.
And that is why we are at this crossroads. Only the precision of language, and the clarity of meaning, will aid our ability to understand existence, understand divinity, and use that information to benefit ourselves and improve the world around us. Whether Meyers called for more profits or prophets, her position on how to secure the fiscal sustainability of the Order (if she has one) is worryingly unclear.
My fiscal plan, on the other h&, has always been clear. I have no plan, because “The Best Plan is kNOw Plan”. Quite simply, my plan is “no plan” because it relies upon Chaos, not Order. That is why I promote the use of crypto-numerological-magick-based domain-name and divine symbol generators (to which I will henceforth refer as “Crypto-Oracles” for the sake of brevity).
The idea is to use the information generated by these Crypto-Oracles to back-tell, back-dict, backrophsy, and out-see fortuitous and serendipitous incidents, in order to generate sustained stable fiscal growth. And also, eventually, to randomly generate the true Name of G-d (whose meaning is to save a coat). Whose name we will, of course, use to generate more money, in Order to create the Kingdom of G-d on Earth (thus, incidentally, resolving the conflict between materialism and spirituality for all time. You're welcome).
Meyers' slogan “A rational choice for a rational society” is outdated. Reason is The Enemy!TM, Limited Time Offer Ecstatic number, sigil, and Song generation is the true Ninth Wave of the future! Just as pi, an irrational number, governs the orbs and our lives and our holes, men are rationally irrational, and yet the pie still goes 'round.
As irrational as J.C. Meyers seems, she is not nearly as committed to nonsense as I am. Sure, a stopped clock is still wrong 1,438 times a day, and we should praise J.C. Meyers for accurately failing to predict the apocalypse. But in so doing, she deprived all the concertgoers at American Babylon 2 of the Apocalypse for which they paid good money, and thus rightfully earned and deserve.
Moreover, Meyers did not give concertgoers adequate warning of the panic that could have ensued, or failed to ensue. My policy on panic is to transform the Order's moshing pits into murdering pits, and to introduce a waiver system, in order to ensure that the amount of panic can get neither too high nor too low, while also protecting Commodity Fetish Records (C.F.R.) from legal and financial liability.
Additionally, J.C. Meyers has passed the Bu¢k onto God – thus victimizing Him yet again – by blaming Him for her failure to accurately predict the End of the World. Failing to predict the future is not a bad thing! I do it all the time. The real sin is failing to predict the past. But back to my point, does J.C. Meyers even have a plan to hold God accountable for this? My plan is to hold God accountable by holding ourselves accountable, which we will do by killing God, which we will do by killing the god within ourselves, which we will do by killing ourselves.
While we're on the topic, how can J.C. Meyers can be the religious leader of an apocalyptic cult, and not even promote suicide? She has even gone so far as to prevent suicides, and prolong life, by promising fake news of an apocalypse that never cum'd. Meyers calls my suicide non-plan “not a plan”, but that just means it is no plan, which is the best plan of all. Additionally, it is not a plan; but rather a lack thereof; so it is the negation and antithesis of philosophy, the ultimate rebellion against existence. To turn a popular saying by Camus on its head, the only way to conform to the expectations of an unfree world is to become so absolutely unfree that your very rebellion becomes a lack of existence.
Furthermore, how do we know Meyers even believes in God in the first place? Does she even watch the Moon? What is her stance on Islamic banking? There is so much we don't know about J.C. Meyers. But all of my suspicions - our suspicions - will be assuaged once Sri Meyers performs a miracle live on stage (or else presents a valid driver's license, state I.D., Social Security card, passport, or original long-form birth certificate).
Meyers has cheated us out of the Carlinian “front-row seat to the end of the world” that we paid for; paid for with a year's worth of hand-water, SweatCoin, TearCoin, WadCoin, and Economic Units. She appears to have no plan; my plan is to refund concertgoers with whatever funds remain in the FloorCoin trust. The Emperor insists “we're keeping your money”, but I intend to do something about this. Even if C.F.R. funds cannot be recovered, I am positive that investing existing C.F.R. funds into CryptoOracles will help fill the gaps which remain in my “reparations for lost apocalypse” program.
The End of the World screws things up enough as it is; it takes a hell of an idiot to screw up the End of the World itself. And that, my friends, is what you have in J.C. Meyers: A Hell of an Idiot.TM FFS, the end of the world couldn't have happened, therefore it didn't have, ipso facto it couldn't have. If the glove don't fit, you must have quit trying to put it on over your other glove.
I... me... backrophsied in previous Issues that the world wouldn't and couldn't have ended. That backrophcy was post-dicted long before American Babylon 2 in the pre-post-condition-necessitating backwards-timeline that runs simultaneously parallel and perpendicular to our own “forward” timeline. Basically, the world not ending was inevitable, because the world is a planetary orb and not a time frame which can end. And so the necessity of the world not ending when AmBab 2 ended, forced the previous pre-conditions to arise in order to have made these later post-conditions possible. The works of Einstein, Professor Irwin Corey, and Brian May will confirm this. Think of it as “retroactive continuity”, except the author is God, the Architecter of the Universe.
But J.C. Meyers has no idea about any of that. And that is why you need me to lead the Order; to lead the Earth to become the Kingdom of God it so yearns to be. Only one obstacle remains: Meyers. She who has plundered our seas, ravaged our Coasts, burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people. She is at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to compleat the works of death, desolation and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty & perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy of the Head of a civilized Order.
Granted, I promise to ravage your coastlines and pillage your ports every bit as much as Meyers. But I will do it in a way that makes us greater, and does good things for people. And you better believe me that it's gonna be as great as I say it is. You won't regret it.
We must wean ourselves of our dependence on Meyers; for salvation, for forgiveness, for dank beats. After all, did Martin Luther wage the Protestant Reformation on the notion that people ought not suffer going to but a sole provider for Da Riddim, and salvation therethrough?
That is why I would mash-up dank beats with illuminated meme-u-scripts, in order to create another fiscal safeguard; in the way of an additional free-floating meme-based currency. This currency would compete against C.F.R.'s burgeoning Crypto-Oracle dividend, whose quarterly gains show promise according to Order Budget Office projections. We also project that, by 2025, illuminated meme-u-scripts will complete the fulfillment of the biblical end-times prophecy that all of mankind would miraculously learn the Word of God without reading it, and thus usher-in the Kingdom of Heaven. It would be hard to overstate the number of 999 Economic Unit notes this will allow C.F.R. to print; this means loads of fiscal Gaines for all of us.
What are J.C. Meyers' policies on religious education and absolution through meme-based currencies? Fuck all if we know! Furthermore – and this is Meyers' greatest treachery yet – I have it on good Authority(R) that Meyers aims to deprive us of our sacred right to cum. I know! Fear not, though; that is why I have signed a pledge to sign Right-to-Cum legislation (also known as Right-to-Jerk laws) into law on my first day in office. (*Note: Right-to-Cum legislation neither recognizes, confers, nor protects any actual right to jerk, except in West Virginia and Wisconsin).
This is solid legislation, it has been tested, it works, it jerks; yet Meyers asks “how will we pay for it?”. It'll pay for itself! The same goes for my Air Value Taxation plan. And by the way, Air Value Taxation is not – I repeat, not – a tax on breathing air. It is also not not a tax on breathing. And that is a great teaching example of why politics is all about compromise. But anyway, just like Crypto-Oracles and Right-to-Jerk laws, Air Value Taxation will pay for itself. Even if it won't, then just try all three of those things, and whichever one doesn't work, just bail it out with the funds from the other two! Do What Works, Do What Jerks.TM
J.C. Meyers – Reverend Liars, as I call her – is unpredictable, unpredicting, and unbackdicting. She has no plan to prevent the raiding of the Order's sacred Treasury by the many spiritual vampires set upon the Sacred Heart.
Lastly, I demand that Meyers respond to allegations of collusion with the Jack Sampson campaign. Collusion may not be a crime, but conspiracy and election fraud are crimes. And ignorance of the law is no excuse. Neither is a complete lack of evidence of guilt, and neither is irrefutable evidence of innocence. Some people have got to rule, others have got to submit.
A vote for Jack Sampson is a vote to ensure that the “J” in “J.C. Meyers” stands for Jack again. I am the only person(a) qualified to usurp Meyers, because I am the only one with direct experience killing Meyers. And that is why I will make sure that J.C. Meyers stays dead. I will kill her, and with a large circular rock I will seal her in a vault from which she cannot escape for three days.
J.C. Meyers is perpetrating a long-con on all of us; she is playing a game with us, just as a predator toys with its prey before devouring it. I, on the other hand - though mercy be undeserved by definition – will grant my prey an even sweeter end; a quick, honorable, painless death, which is much more than you – and J.C. Meyers – deserve.
I have killed J.C. Meyers before. I am the only one qualified to kill J.C. Meyers again. And this time she will stay dead.
A vote for Jack is a vote for a good, clean kill.
