Coping with a Faith-Based Currency: A Guide for the Uninitiated

     In February 2018, The Zambian Observer published an article entitled “Witches and Wizards Are Very Important to the Development of Our Economy – Prof[essor] Luo”. According to the article, Nkandu Luo, a professor and Higher Education Minister in Zambia, said that her country ought to utilize “witchcraft technology” to aid the development of the nation.

     Luo has suggested that witchcraft technology could be used to help Zambians become capable of “travelling long distances within seconds”. She has reportedly called on scientists to “consider conducting research and the study of witchcraft as a science that can be used productively for the benefit of the country”, commenting “I could not help but think of witchcraft when I saw a mobile phone put into a box and it turned into a lady's pant!”

     Fortunately for us in the Western world, we have our own “witchcraft technology” that allows us to travel long distances within seconds, and helps us turn a cell phone into a lady's pant... it's called a cell phone!

     Nevertheless, Professor Luo is to be commended for her attention to the need to increase research on witchcraft as a science. Of course, witchcraft needs to be explored not only as a physical science, but also as an economic science. That's because, as an innately spiritual science, witchcraft studies have applications and ramifications which lie far outside the realm of the mere mortal, material, and infrastructural.

     Simply put, a voodoo economics must necessarily have a proper voodoo microeconomics and a voodoo macroeconomics to go with it. … The new ritual is gonna help with the corn.

     And that is the purpose of this article; to help explain to you – the muggle – how to budget your moon-perusal-time-labor-mountain-hour-value responsibly, so that you can avoid putting too much of your retirement funds on over-comprehensively packaged Petrodollar-Weapondollar-Coalition-backed blood-sweat-tears dollars derivatives (PWC-USD-BST), and start putting too much of your retirement savings into living forever!

     It's fine to think of your retirement as a basket full of “nest eggs”, but it's better to think of it as a vampire's bed. It's a casket, not a basket!^TM Planning to retire is planning to fail. Hey, maybe we would live a little longer if the money that pays for our medical needs weren't covered in toxic chemicals!

     Once you've finished summoning the dæmon or angel of your choice- oops! Did I forget to mention that that's what you were supposed to be doing while reading the previous article? Oh well. That's just how chaos magick goes sometimes; you don't know what you've summoned until the angel is standing over your left shoulder reading this... Oh hey, how's it goin'!?... Look what you made me do!

     Anyway, one moment you're fastening a candelabra onto your wall, the next thing you know, you're reading upside-down and summoning the ghost of Aaron Spelling so you can spell the word you're spelling correctly while you cast a spell with the word that you're spelling. It happened to Xzibit, it can happen to any one of us. Let your freak Frigg fly.

     As soon as you let the angel (a category which technically encompasses all dæmons, in addition to cherubim and other choirs) help you finish your interior decorating scheme, you are ready to take the steps necessary to start using the fad currency of this month, which I have decided is a tiny clone of Jesus Christ that fits in your pocket, and writes down all the transactions that you complete using Him into the Book of Life forever and ever, Amen.

     And this clone of Jesus, His Name shall be called The Bread of Life^TM. You know that 150-year-old sourdough bread in San Francisco that keeps expanding, and they keep cutting little hunks of sourdough bread off of it, and then bake it so they can sell it to people? That is what the Kingdom of Heaven is like. The life in your loaf is not diminished by the Wheat in your Feet.

Although I have explained at great length in the previous articles why Jesus Christ makes a nearly perfect currency, to paraphrase John: “there are also many other things which Jesus did, the which, if they should be written every one, I suppose that even the world itself could not contain the economics books that should be written.”

     For Jesus hath paid all our taxes, the rent, and even picked up the check at the Last Supper, by paying His life, otherwise valued at but thirty pieces of silver. This is why self-sacrifice is the basis of prudent investment. This is, truly, the Greatest Story Ever Sold! It's called the “Bible”, it tells you what to buy right in the name! For God's omnipotence is so great that it defies all logic; He is so all-powerful that even He could never make a dinner check so big that He himself could not pick it up.

     Only a mortal asshole like one of us could fuck up so bad that it throws a god off the course of His day. God's fuckups cost us money, but our fuckups cost God money (Isaiah 53:5). So if you don't use a currency that keeps current with what God wants, then you're not going to be able to pay God the specific type of money he said to leave in the knotted Tree of Life in the park at midnight if you ever want to see His Sun again.

     That is why I'd like to share with you the Gospel of Christ Socialist, and accept Jesus Christ as your Lord, Savior, and currency. I mean, if Jesus Christ is not a major credit card, then why is He accepted everywhere? This is the illusory nature of God.

     The wages of sin is death. Christ died, you save! Christ's savings get “passed on” (no pun intended) to you.

     A debt that is forgiven, is considered paid. Through Christ, all is forgiven; the rent, what you owe for your food, your taxes, all of it. That means all is paid; you don't even owe anyone your blood. Any blood you give will be of your own volition. Send your blood now to Commodity Fetish Records, and receive a free permit to commit the sin of your choice! Think of it as a self-Indulgence, a Get-Out-of-Inquisition-Free Card.

     You can't be saved without God's blood, and you can't be fiscally responsible unless you take matters into your own Hands, so if God won't allow His blood to be shed, then you've got to take that blood, and get your money back! Do you have any idea how valuable the blood of Christ (also known as Divine Wine) is? Why, you could clone one of those little blood-cell donuts and make yourself a Jesus-clone with a donut-hole hand-piercing to sit in your pocket and keep your books all cosmic Day (1,000 Earth years) long!

     Even mortal blood makes an excellent currency, as I have explained. It's made of living tissue, so it's basically alive, and that means it's mobile and easily transportable. Much like Christ, blood and bloodshed are accepted everywhere (or, at least, everywhere that Christ is accepted). You can't have a currency unless it's covered in blood, and what's more covered in blood than blood itself?

     The answer is, of course, U.S. Dollars. But we must not crucify mankind on a cross of gold, nor a cross of paper. If we cannot use Go(l)d as our money, then the Word must suffice. For at least the Word is written on paper. But if our money is drenched with the Blood of Christ, then why should it be made of paper and cotton, when it could be made of paper and wool? Follow the Lamb.

     If we keep the Bible in our chest pockets, then we can keep God close to our hearts. But if we keep Jesus clones in our pants pockets, we can keep God close to our farts. For Jesus-clones, like Peter at the Gates of Dawn Heaven, are not just Living Blockchains, but Blockchains Who Never Died. Only Jesus and St. Peter know, with their Book of Life, who hath smelt it and who hath dealt it; who's been naughty and who's been nice. They are the Bookkeepers of Life, who taketh all bets.

     Yea, though God the Father be the only one who knoweth when to hold 'em and knoweth when to fold 'em, mortals may place any bet they please on when Olam Ha-Ba (the World to Come) will be nigh. All opposed, say “nigh”. The debts of the unrepentant sinners are the only debts left to be paid, and they must be paid in a Bill, so sayeth Bill Nigh the Christian Science Guy. But Benedictine Order now, and you can pipe-organ-ize your pockets with this limited-edition vest-pocket savior! Save your money, savior soul!

     Is your landlord harassing you for the rent? Well, unless Jesus is your landlord, just tell them that your rent has already been paid, because Jesus is your real landlord, and He has your rent covered... covered in blood, no less! That's the kind of true coverage that only a major credit card could offer. That's why the Body of Christ has been traded - from hand to hand, from prison to prison - for the last two-thousand-some-odd years. He never died; He went to Rome, to be crucified again! It's like the B-52s said: “Rome if you want to, Rome around the world.”

     But Jesus is stuck down in the Vatican vaults somewhere, chained up next to all the other Human Books, waiting for someone to look Him up in the RoloCodex. Yea, the Son of God is like a turtle or a hermit crab, carrying His Cross around – from life to life – as His only permanent home. This is God's mortgage to bear, literally meaning “death agreement”.

     A cross, by the way, makes an excellent long-term investment, because it serves as a mobile home; you can lay down on it even when you have nowhere to lay Your head.

     Don't get me wrong; we all want to “make money”. But remember that gun control slogan “Guns don't kill people, people kill people”? You don't “make money”; the Department of the Treasury does! “How can we make money?” Only with the blood of Jesus. Or with a communion wafer printing press.

     It is profoundly irrational, absurd, and naïve to think that you could “make” money that most other people would be willing to use. Just as it is absurd to imagine that you can truly earn or own a currency which is made by somebody else, has the name of a private company on it, and is covered with the faces of dead people. Shouldn't it be covered with your face? Or maybe, like... the blood of Jesus Christ (like, instead of the blood, sweat, and tears of the working taxpayer)? But hey, you can't make a currency omelet without breaking a couple of legs. A currency amulet, however, is a different story.

     The hole in our currency is like the holes in our souls. A currency with a hole in it, is one that can be chained up, and a currency that can be chained up can also be chained down. But on the other Hand^TM, a currency that can be chained up can also be easily transported. Of course, you can't make a necklace without something pierced to thread it through, and an angel that is not held in chains is free to disobey God.

     Being in chains may bring you sorrow, but if you've ever worked in meat processing, you know that some tasks require the worker's hands to be chained in order to prevent them from being accidentally cut off by giant slicing equipment. And who knows better about how to process and present an old chunk of flesh, and then act like they didn't play any role in butchering it, than the Catholic Church? Pews and graves have got to be filled.

     We must render unto Caesar's that which is Caesar's, and render unto God that which is God's. In Matthew and Mark, Jesus instructs his followers to examine whose face is on the coins they're using; it's the face of Tiberius Caesar.

     Is George Washington on your money? Send it back to George Washington. Is he dead? Drop it on his grave and make it rain! Is “Federal Reserve” on your money? Send it back to the Federal Reserve! They're the only ones who believe it has any value anyway. Jesus, though, couldn't come right out and say that, because no matter what He said on the topic, it would have been misinterpreted.

     See, it's not often explained that Jesus had a speech impediment, resulting from His snake-like triple-forked tongue. It was a mutation which rendered Him (what, in those days, was considered) a “cripple”. But just like Rudolph's red nose, this hideous deformity served a useful purpose to his peers: speaking three languages at once. The laughing and calling him names came later.

     Jesus' trilingualism - “a state of having three tongues” in denotation, but “a state of using three languages” in connotation - allowed Him to transmit three messages at once, to three different audiences (just like Hillary Clinton!). It's confusing to the novice believer, but if you can read between the two outermost of Jesus's three tongues, then when you read the Bible, you can read between the lines.

     Don't believe for a second that you can own a currency that lacks an image of your own face. As Man is made in the image of God, an image of the human face is an image – a representation - of the visage of God. And that is the true Mark of Value.

     Time-Money-Moon-Value.

     In Emperor we trust.

Written on March 15th, 2018

Shut Yer Yap: How to Starve Yourself Rich (A Numismatic Exorcism)

             Nought is clear, lest we view it through the Lens of the penetrated stone.

            Nought is clear, but that the study of rai (also known as raay, fei, the Yap Island stone coin, and on the international currency market, YIC) is essential to all future study and understanding of numismetaphysics.

This is why some more study of rai shall be necessary before we continue to our main subject, cryptocurrency.

In his 1991 paper “The Island of Stone Money”, Nobel Prize winning economist Milton Friedman (Uncle Milty himself) discussed the similarity between the practices of marking gold stored in Federal Reserve vaults to signify a change in ownership, and the practice of marking rai for the same purpose.

In the paper’s conclusion, Friedman writes how important myth – “unquestioned belief” –

is “in monetary matters”. He continues, “the money we have grown up with… appear[s] ‘real’ and ‘rational’ to us”, while “The money of other countries often seems to us like paper or worthless metal”, even if its purchasing power is strong.

This ought to demonstrate to any savvy investor that talk of “the gold price”, “the iron price”, etc.^TM, is bull hockey in your pocket. Moreover, that the value is in the Eye of the (Arthurian) Stone. This is the maieutic source of currency’s value. So, then, if we are, indeed, destined to play a Game of Stones, we must ask ourselves whether it should, in particular, be a game of birthstones.

Do not let your Eyes be deceived; after all, The Book is made of paper (though it may have gilded edge). And the Almighty Emperor’s Commodity Fetish Records 999- Economic Unit Note be of paper.

So what, then, distinguishes The Book from gold? The Book from the Note, or the Note from gold? Gold from the Heart? Only the Beholder of the Light. Only the Truth and Truth of the One who makes the Promise to pay to the Bearer on demand. The Bearer of Light teaches that the Word is only as good as the heart it is printed on. Thus, the Word backs gold and paper alike. The Promise backs their value. This is what I saw through the flames.

But just as importantly, and to answer the Question directly, gold is alone among these in one key aspect: it cannot be burned for heat in an emergency. Aside from Friedman’s probably subconscious allusion to this phenomenon, that this fact makes gold inferior to the Book, the Note, and the Heart for use as a currency, has not yet been noted by mainstream economists. Thus, the Jungian Shadow cast by the spectre of gold has cast a scintillating Skynet to blind nearly all of the scientists of modern currency. This is to be remedied, for We know where the real gold is buried.

So, then, cryptocurrency. Currency reclaimed from the crypt. Is it a current currency, or not?

 Does the immortality inculcate (charge) a presence – a life – into the currency, or does its deadness (however imagined or falsely perceived) subvert its value as a “living document”? Only the numismancers know for sure. The answer might explain why we still have pyramids on our damn “money”. The only way to get through the Eye of the Rai, in a manner of speaking (and, also, quite literally), is by Numismancing the Stone.

We love our money like we love our own flesh and blood. After all, it’s backed by our own flesh and blood, isn’t it? Just as sure as the paper you’re printed on, just as sure as your dossier will survive you, if it backs your currency, then symbolically, it is your currency. We may say “I like money” or “I<3$” (now a publicly traded company), but how many of us would be willing to kill, or even die, for our money, and for its value?

One major determinant in the value of rai is the grandness of the story which can be told about one rai; what happened to it on its way to Yap from the distant island on which it was quarried. Aside from the size of the coin (ranging from 3 inches to 12 feet in diameter), whether those transporting it survived a storm, or whether a famous sailor brought the coin to the island, may boost its value.

Most importantly for the purposes of this discussion, rai may have high value because many people die bringing them to Yap, or (perplexingly) because nobody dies bringing them to the island.

This is why we must either kill many people, or else die (and take many others with us), in order to continue to bogusly inflate the value of our currency. Just as in the balancing act between relying on ubiquitous use and widespread acceptability vs. scarcity and uniqueness as the driver of currency’s value, it could not be clearer what we must do for our money, for our “own” flesh and blood.

That is why we must fight this currency war – and we shall fight them; on the Banks of every river, in every trench and every Bank vault – if we are to procure for our posterity a Currency of Blood. It is all for the sake of STABility. Remember, you’re worth more dead than you are alive, right? Just don’t go about trying to prove it, though. I mean (say it with me)… Just You Buy It!^(R)

This leads us to our next topic: how to strike it rich without working.

For example… take me… please! I don’t do shit, I make money. Read The Tao, be The Master, make shit happen. I mean… I get paid to make money.

I know we’re told that high earnings, and a lot of money, and rewards, are the inevitable result of hard work. And that if a man does not work, neither shall he eat. But I’ve eaten without being required to work for it, and I get paid to sit around and do basically nothing at my job.

That’s why I attribute all of my success and earnings to hard work. To do so may go against everything I’ve observed, but everyone else thinks it’s true, so I don’t object, because it’s all I can do to keep from shouting from the rooftops that it should be legal to steal from me. This is the Root of the Hole in the Coin. But back to my financial advice.

Are you starving, freezing, poor, broken? No, you’re not. You only feel that way. And for you to project your feelings onto my rights is unconstitutional. It’s a violation of my rights!

‘Ey, if you’re poor, spend less money. If you don’t want to pay taxes, then just refuse to pay taxes, or else stop working. If you can’t find work, get a job. If you’re disabled, work harder! If you can’t afford good food, eat garbage! If you’ve frozen stiff in your apartment, just walk away from the apartment and the landlord! I mean, if you’re in chains, break out! Amirite!?

As I suspect Jesse Ventura (Master of Mixed Metaphors) must have pontificated at some point, “Ask for work. If you can’t find work, ask for bread. If they don’t give you bread, steal bread. If you can’t steal bread, let them eat cake. And if you can’t have your cake and eat it too, then the proof of the pudding is in the eating of the cake bread pudding.” Man can live on bread alone! But only if we learn to Leave Breadney Alone.

These are the only paths to stable, rising financial gains. …Chris Gaines.

You’re welcome.

Oi, fucker, why do you think they needed to punch holes in Jesus’s hands for the Crucifixion? Well, how else are you going to insert his employment chip? I mean, Everybody Loves Revelaymond. Furthermore, is Jesus the type to charge rent for the privilege to occupy – and use – his holes, for whatever purpose we may imagine?

This is why I say, to fuck a hole in your money is to fuck a hole in yourself (as a reminder, the hole represents built-in debt). This is what it means to be unable to worship both God and Mammon (profit).

After all, the holes in Yap Island stone coins are not for the insertion of poles as axles, but only as transportation devices. To repeat, Fred Flintstone was not driving his moneymobile around Yap, that’s not in the historical records. Again, rai are as small as 3 inches; yet for some reason the holes are retained even at that size, though their light weight makes the use of poles unnecessary for transportation.

So, then, why not fill the hole with something else, such as your hopes and dreams? Your fears? A nice ottoman or a duvet? A sword? Your balls? The Resonating Light? Why not shove a jewel in there, make it nice and pretty? Remember, there’s more than one way to “charge” your purchase. Do some sacred services and an incantation, turn it into a portal so its demons can escape. Do a thing.

As Milton Friedman suggested, and as Emperor Ryan explains, “money is a magic[k] fetish”; an object believed (unquestioned) to possess a sacred, intrinsic, imminent value, including, often, a spiritual one. Emperor Ryan continues: “bank magicians use transference to charge paper into currency”. The money is charged much in the same way in which a sigil is charged.

Hence, voodoo economists are in good company; although a small but significant faction of them are currently waging a covert currency war against their fellow voodoo economists, as well as against the bank magicians, who favor the anthill (ANT) over the “petrodollar-weapondollar coalition” (USD). For more information, read the works of Jonathan Nitzan.

What all this means is that it is our dedication to refraining from questioning the value of our money, and the validity of our government’s public debt, which gives our currency much of its value. It is our suspension of belief which exalts our money to such heights. But, be assured, dead moneys cannot reign.

What do the smallest denomination of rai stone, a cross, and the Hand of God have in common? You can string all of them onto a necklace. But nobody cries when you do it to some rai. Remember: “Don’t cry; scry!”

Thus, the Punched Hand (or wrist) is, by all indicators, the best form of currency, but also, with its fingerprints, it can easily suffice as a form of INDENTification. Fingerprinting only makes human hands a more viable currency, due to its identifiability. A fingerprint is like a serial number, printed with a communion wafer printing press onto a slab of human dough; the Bread of Life, Sacred Manna from Heaven. It’s Time to Make the Donuts.

Even without fingerprinting, the early 2000s government of Afghanistan managed to run successful elections. They did this by taking the fingers of people who had already voted, and dyeing them with ink, and making sure nobody votes who already has ink on their hands. How nice it would be if we could use this idea to ban people with blood on their hands from participating in the democratic process!

So there you have it: The Hol(e)y Human Hand – the Hand of God – is like a bagel in its completeness, its roundness. It is a perfect currency; the Hand does not even have to be transported in order to serve as a useful currency, nor does it need to be separated from the body for the same purpose, nor must it be moved (and removed) in order to denote that its ownership has changed. Remember, idle hands are the Devil’s playground.

But to see the Light through the Lens of the Eternal Bagel – and to understand the artistic concept of negative space – will teach us that without the (w)hole, we are hollow and incomplete, yet complete in our incompletion. Can we be whole without the hole? Only by holding together our Hands, and our Money (which are one and the same), may we answer these questions. After all, without holes in our hands, how are we to be bound together? How are we to be strung up?

This currency – the Hand (or even the Finger) – is the Sigil which we must charge. It is the sigil which we must read in order to fully understand (that is, stand-under) the charges.

In 1948, Mahatma Gandhi wrote, “I will give you a talisman. Whenever you are in doubt, or when the self becomes too much with you, apply the following test. Recall the face of the poorest and the weakest man whom you may have seen, and ask yourself, if the step you contemplate is going to be of any use to him. Will he gain anything by it? Will it restore him to a control over his own life and destiny? In other words, will it lead to swaraj (freedom) for the hungry and spiritually starving millions? Then you will find your doubts and your self melt away.” This is the test we must apply when choosing a currency.

To be required to work in exchange for our needs, eludes the truth; that in order to work comfortably, our needs must first be satisfied. The hole in our hands is the key; just like the Afghan election, to get what we need, all we should have to do is show our hand. Why, nearly all of us recognize the meaning – the value – of a Hand, or a Fist, held high. So, too, the Finger. It says “I AM A MAN”. …Or “Fuck you”. Same thing.

This is the Shibbolethic Talisman which was foretold in the ancient scriptures (i.e., articles 1 through 4). As I’ve explained, currency is, necessarily, a talisman, or fetish (magickal object). For a currency to additionally serve as a shibboleth is to use that currency, and to set the societal rules of the marketplace around it, in such a way as to cause its usage to create and cast a distinction between those who know the Hand not, and still worship dead money, versus those who recognize the Hand, and its meaning; its monetary and spiritual value.

I’ll take Gandhi’s advice.

Years ago in Nashville, I met a man who was selling newspapers about homelessness. He asked me for a donation, in order to, in his words, “relieve the stigmata of homelessness”. He meant to say “stigma”, but his choice of words reveals all.

The big questions in all of this are: With what will you fill such an outstretched, truly empty, punched hand? Will you be as a Doubting Thomas, and insert a pole, in order to transport and trade the unit of currency?

Most importantly: What do we have to offer one another, if all any of us has is our own outstretched empty hand?

I have no gift to bring, pa-rum-pa-pum-pum…

Written and Published on October 15^th, 2017