I wrote the following messages as e-mails to Evelyn Bello - a legal advocate at the Zacharias Sexual Abuse Center, based in Gurnee, Illinois - on April 14th and 15th, 2021.
The message concerns what may or may not constitute sufficiently consistent and compelling corroborating evidence in my potential case against my father for molesting me as a child.
First Message, Sent April 14th, 2021
Hi Evelyn. I spoke with Officer Lisa Malkov at the Lake Bluff
Police Station yesterday.
She informed me that, again, the
prosecutors' office looks unlikely to file charges, due to lack of evidence and
inconsistencies in my testimony.
I tried to explain to Officer Malkov that
those inconsistencies are due to 1) me not fully remembering all of the
abuse due to suffocation and trauma; and 2) me including partial memories.
I
regret including partial memories, because prosecutors want me to be sure about
whatever charges I'm talking about. But I felt it necessary to mention partial
memories of abuse, in the interest of full disclosure.
Also, I tried to explain that I am not currently confused about what
happened to me as a child; I only experienced confusion in 2015. The fact that
I am still trying to retrieve memories does not mean that I am confused. My
mind compartmentalized the traumatic memories, causing me to forget them
between 2000 and 2014, before partial memories began to resurface, which I had
to piece together slowly.
My new therapist, Dr. Vernice Wright,
may have exaggerated the extent to which I am doubtful about my memories, in
her communications to police. She is still getting to know me and my family
situation.
None of what I said to Officer Malkov seems likely to affect prosecutors' decision, although in my opinion it should.
The fact that I have been in therapy, and have recovered new memories
since entering therapy, should be considered evidence, because it is new
testimony. It is also evidence that my thinking about the abuse has become
more clear and detailed, not less. And that is evidence that
the therapy is working.
Officer Malkov said there isn't enough
evidence to file charges, because nobody else's testimony corroborates what I'm
saying. But that's because my father made sure to abuse me when there were no witnesses
around.
I tried to explain to Officer Malkov that
the fact that my brother says he sat behind my father's legs, in the same
position I was in right before I was molested, shows that my father had ample
access to both of us. My father admitted to letting me and my brother sit
behind his legs, as recently as yesterday in our last therapy session.
Officer Malkov did not consider this to be
corroborating testimony or worthwhile evidence.
I'm stunned by how high a standard of
evidence prosecutors need to go forward with charges. It's almost as if they
expect a child to remember which exact calendar days he was molested on, as if
the average child would not be so disheveled and jarred and disturbed by
molestation that it would distract him from remembering the date.
It's as if courts expect children to save
evidence that they've been molested, at a time when children aren't even old
enough to understand what molestation is. I understand the need for
there to exist strong evidence, but placing a burden on children to remember
dates and collect evidence of their abuse, is not a rational response.
I mentioned to you that there are five main things I would
consider to be potential physical evidence in my case: 1) the gray couch, which
was thrown away; 2) my injured left rib; 3) my breathing problems; 4) my small
size; and 5) my broken life and past addiction. I also mentioned my hair
pulling and nail-biting problems, which are signs of stress attributable
to my father's abuse.
Officer Malkov and I discussed the first three of these during our
meeting earlier today. Prosecutors still don't feel that I've produced enough
evidence.
I asked Officer Malkov what might constitute the kind of evidence that prosecutors are looking for, and she said that she didn't know, but that a State's Attorney might know.
Do you know what kind of evidence could potentially be considered sufficient grounds to file charges? Would it be worthwhile to schedule a full psychological evaluation with a neurologist, and get a CT scan on my left ribcage?
Thank you.
That's because I wrote the following in my second statement to police:
"The dates on which the as many
as six incidents of abuse could have occurred during the first year wherein I
endured abuse on the couch (i.e., 1995), are April 2nd, 9th,
16th, 23rd, and 30th; May 7th, 14th,
21st, and 28th; June 4th, 11th, 18th,
and 25th; July 2nd, 9th, 16th, 23rd,
and 30th; and August 6th, 13th, 20th,
and 27th.
The dates on which the as many as
six incidents of abuse could have occurred during the second [year] wherein I endured
abuse on the couch (i.e., 1996), are April 7th, 14th,
21st, and 28th; May 5th, 12th, 19th,
and 26th; June 2nd, 9th, 16th, 23rd,
and 30th; July 7th, 14th, 21st, and
28th; and August 4th, 11th, 18th,
and 25th."
