My Mother Made-Up "A Dream I Had" in Order to Gaslight Me into Thinking That My Father Hadn't Sexually Abused Me

      Some time in late June or early July of 2023, I recovered memories of my mother telling me (at age seven or eight) that I’d had a dream about getting a bird's egg stuck in my ear. I believe that some or all of what she said about this dream was made-up, in order to cover-up for the abuse I experienced, and in order to distract me from the abuse, and gaslight me into thinking that my father had not abused me.

 

     This memory seems to originate from somewhere around the age of seven (i.e., in 1994) or age eight (1995).

     I say "seems to" because it's difficult to pinpoint when, exactly, this happened. That's because (as I have explained in my previous writing about the abuse and memory loss I suffered) I noticed, around the age of twenty-five, that my memories prior to age ten were incomplete. I didn't suspect that I'd been abused until years after that, though, because my girlfriend at the time told me that it's normal not to remember some of your childhood. I subsequently realized that it is very normal to not remember large blocks of your childhood because you were sexually abused. Adaptive Information Processing (A.I.P.) is the term applied to the process by which we forget or ignore traumatic memories for the sake of improving our chances at survival.

     I have previously stated that the majority of the incidents of abuse occurred in mid-1995, mid-1996, or both summers.

      This leads me to suspect that it’s possible that the abuse began at age seven instead of age eight; I’m not sure. It’s hard to say, due to the memory loss I suffered around that time (caused by the initial sexual abuse, partial suffocation during that abuse, and subsequent gaslighting and brainwashing by my father). Also, I have previously stated that the abuse could have began at age five, when I drew a picture of a hamster covered in holes (referred to as “Incident #1” in my first report to police, and referred to as “Incident #3” in my second report to police, after I recovered additional memories). So it’s entirely possible that I was abused between the ages of five and eight, in addition to the majority of the incidents, which occurred at age eight and nine.

      Regarding the supposed dream itself: I seem to remember myself, sitting at our kitchen table, eating something, most likely cereal. This could only have happened at our house at 524 East Washington Avenue in Lake Bluff, Illinois, because we moved into that house in summer 1992, when I was five years old, and did not move again until 2005 or 2006.

      I remember my mother – sitting across from me, at the other end of the kitchen table – telling me about a dream that I’d had. I remember asking her - maybe that day, or maybe the next day, or a while afterwards – something like, “What else did I dream?”, or possibly, “Did I have a dream last night?”. To repeat: I remember - at some point during the conversation about the dream, or else shortly thereafter – that I was relying on my mother to tell me what happened in my own dream. This should give an indication as to how much I trusted her at the time.

      I have had this memory for a very long time. I probably didn’t think about it – or didn’t think about it often – between the years of 2000 and 2015 (the period of time during which I had no memories of the abuse). But the memory of my mother screaming “It’s in his ear!” has popped-up in my memories, every now and then, for years. I’m not sure when I began remembering this, or whether I ever lost the memory in the first place. All the times that I recalled remembering this possible dream, up to a month ago, all I could remember were those words that my mother screamed, and the notion that I’d supposedly dreamed about a bird egg being stuck in my ear.

      Until a month ago, I have remembered the words “It’s in his ear” as some of the last words uttered in a dream I’d had, about getting a bird’s egg stuck in my ear. The exact words I believe myself to have “heard” in that possible dream, were “It’s in his ear! It’s in his ear! HIS EAR!!!” The last sentence, of those three, seems less likely to have been part of that possible dream, than the first two sentences. Until a month ago, I believed that the first two utterances of “It’s in his ear” were from the dream, and that “his ear” was something that either: 1) I “heard” while waking up from that dream; or else 2) my subconscious mind added to the memories of the dream, while I was awake, some time after the dream occurred.

      To be perfectly clear: I’m not sure whether these memories are due to an actual dream I had, or whether the entire dream was made-up by my mother. It’s possible that I did have a dream, but that my mother either: 1) added details to the dream that weren’t there; or else 2) substituted a dream she made-up, for whatever I was telling her that I’d dreamed about.

      My memories of either the dream - or what my mother told me about the dream - are that I was playing on the edge of our yard, in the dirt, and somehow got a bird’s egg stuck in my ear.

      There is nothing in my medical records about doctors having to remove a bird’s egg from my ear. And I have no concrete memories which would indicate that such a thing ever actually happened.

      This could only mean that either: 1) I dreamed it; or 2) I dreamed something else, and my mother substituted her own narrative for some or all of what I told her I dreamed about.

      Given the incomplete nature of this possible dream, and these memories – and given the memories of molestation and anal rape which have resurfaced in my mind since 2015 – all of this causes me to suspect that at least some these memories may have originated from something that my father did to me.

      To me, the most likely explanation, seems to be that my father may have ejaculated onto my face, and into my ear. If he did, then my mother would have been the only person around who would have had the ability and the incentive to clean me up after the abuse. It’s entirely possible that my father ejaculated into my ear, causing my mother to scream “It’s in his ear” when noticing the semen, and prompting her to clean it out. I suppose it’s possible that my father put something else in my ear, like spit or feces, but that seems unlikely.

      I seem to remember my mother having been very insistent, during that conversation at the kitchen table, that I’d dreamed what I was talking about. Or else she was insistent that her recollection of events was superior to my own. Possibly both.

      I also seem to remember my mother telling me that she knew what I was dreaming about, because she heard me talking in my sleep. I don’t know if that’s true, because I’m not aware of any existing proof that I talked in my sleep as a child. I do know that I occasionally talk in my sleep as an adult, so it’s possible that I did this as a child as well. But even if I was talking in my sleep about a bird egg stuck in my ear, that doesn’t come anywhere close to fully explaining the memories I have. I say that because I have no memories of what I was saying during that supposed dream; I only remember my mother screaming those eight words (or possibly ten words).

      I know that what I have said above, mostly consists of incomplete memories and speculation about said memories, and that this does not constitute direct proof that I was abused, nor proof that my mother made up a dream I had. But the fact that I have so much to say about this possible dream, leads me to conclude that this is something that needs to be talked about, in the context of what I remember related to the abuse.

      I believe that my mother intentionally implanted false memories about dreams that she couldn't possibly know that I was having. Unless, of course, I talked in my sleep. But I repeat: 1) That does not explain all the questions I have relating to the supposed dream; and 2) I have no memory of what I was saying during that dream, only of what my mother was saying. All of the verbal information that I have about that possible dream, comes from my mother, and not from myself. To me, this strongly suggests that my mother made up most of the dream, or perhaps even the entire thing.

 

 

 

 

 

     Another thing I should mention, which seems relevant to bring up here, is the incident which I numbered “Incident #4” in my second report to police. It is relevant to mention here because this incident and the dream about the bird egg both relate to my first experiences with ejaculation.

     That incident was not mentioned in my first report, because I did not then (and still do not) have any concrete memories, attached to that incident, which would suggest that I definitely endured sexual abuse during that incident. But that does not mean that sexual abuse couldn’t have happened during that incident; I do not know because my memories of the incident are incomplete.

      In my second report to police, I stated the following: 

     "#4. There is a 70% chance that the reason why I thought I remembered (at the age of five or six) the character Elmer Fudd performing a sexual act upon the Babs Bunny character from Tiny Toons, is because my father may have done something to me while watching Tiny Toons that exposed me to sex, or at least to what ejaculate (or to what “cum” / “come”) is.

     "I'm pretty confident that I saw Elmer Fudd sticking his shotgun into Babs Bunny's guts, and her screaming, on television. I know that I had sexual thoughts about this afterwards, which involved white cream and Babs Bunny's crotch. But I do not know how I – at the age of five or six – could have known that white cream had anything to do with sex or orgasm, as I did not ejaculate any fluid until I was at least 12 or 13 years old. That is why I suspect that my father may have somehow exposed me to sex - or something related to ejaculation - while I was watching Tiny Toons. This incident occurred at 524 East Washington Avenue.

     "I have remembered this since it happened, but this is the first time I have discussed it in statements to the authorities, because I have only recently begun to suspect that my father, or the possibility of something sexual happening to me, might have had anything to do with why I knew that white cream was the result of sex at just six years old."

      I do not mean to retract, nor revise, anything about the three paragraphs above; I only mean to add details and context to those memories.

      It’s possible that my father either: 1) exposed me to sex while I was watching “Tiny Toons” (the actual name of the show is Tiny Toon Adventures); or else 2) exposed me to sex afterwards, while humiliating me for thinking that Babs Bunny (the cartoon rabbit character, which wore a dress and had big eyes and long eyelashes) was pretty.

     I also remember having Buster Bunny and Babs Bunny stuffed animals some time around that age (five years to eight years old). I suppose it’s possible that I had some sort of sexual attachment to the Babs Bunny doll, although I cannot remember such a thing; but if I did, then it would be totally reasonable for me to suspect that my father subjected me to some form of shame or humiliation over my attraction to the character.

      Original episodes of Tiny Toon Adventures were aired between September 1990 and December 1992, but the show went into "off-network syndication" (i.e., re-runs); first on the Warner Bros. channel, and later on Nickelodeon. Re-runs of the show were viewable for years after that. This means that Tiny Toon Adventures was definitely being aired – and frequently – between 1992 (the earliest that this possibly could have happened) and 1996 (the final year that the successful attempts at molestation and rape took place).

      This is the first time I have mentioned being anally raped by my father, in all of my previous articles about the abuse. I will publish more information about those memories – most of which I recovered between October 2020 and November 2022 – as soon as I am ready to speak confidently about what I can remember. I have declined to talk about it until now, because of the fragmented and complex nature of those memories, and because of the shame involved in admitting that I lost my virginity to my own father.

 

 

 

 

 

Written and Published on July 27^th, 2023.

Edited and Expanded on August 3rd, 2023.

 

Includes three paragraphs from my second report to Lake Bluff Police; which was written between January 9^th and February 3^rd, and between February 27^th and March 3^rd, 2021; and was delivered to Lake Bluff Police the day after completion (i.e., on March 4^th, 2021).

 

That report can be viewed at the following address:

     http://aquarianagrarian.blogspot.com/2021/03/second-statement-to-police-regarding.html