Investment Advice for Lunatics: Using Sigil Magick to Risk Nothing for Everything

      The investment advice of the Pharaohs is true after all. This means that you, too, can be a possessed corporate welfare whore; too big to fail, and too tender to touch!

      But heed ye not advice from the so-called “professional witches” of Vice Magazine, and their À-La-Flambuoyant Flirtemptation and flat-out foolery of manner of article purporting that one may simply “use witchcraft to make money”.

      This is merely the washing of a demonic hog; it is not fit for human consumption, and should have never been marketized. Not everything is witchcraft just because Frank sings that it is. The same goes with Stevie and superstition, and Marxy Markets and resources.

      You can have it all. As long as you're willing to risk losing everything you have. If that figure is zero, this article is for you.

      But to get the money, we must understand (that is, obey) where money comes from, and where it gets its value. From its parents? From society? Let's find out.

      You know, the Twelve-Dollar News-Suits^TM on the FOXy-Box tell us that people like physical currency because they like the way it feels. But y'ever feel a dollar bill? It's kinda itchy, isn't it? How are you gonna have a stable currency that's so itchy, people don't want to touch it? Well, here's how to turn your itchy money into Witchy Money.

      Money comes from the moon. Don't believe me? Grab yourself an Oxford English Dictionary. It's an entymological dictionary, so it pins down the meaning of the word the same way you pin an insect down to the specimen collection tray. No wiggle room, no room for all that “living document” bullcrap. You Know What I'm Saying.^TM

      This brings me my first tip for making money is to Trademark^TM Everything^TM You^TM Can.^{TM (TM)} Charge^TM People^TM Mooney^TM for^(R) Talking^TM Like^TM You^TM. Paul Mooney. You wanna know why? The Greeks, man. See the coin-moon on the Drachma. Silver Moon, Golden Sun. Bimetallism, baby. Remember William Jennings Bryan? Well, this is him times Aleister Crowley, to the power of a red panda!

      Don't be a Moonie for Mooney; be a Loonie for Loonies! That's right: this year, it's not Manic Monday, it's Lunacy Lunedí – it's the “Luna-C, Luna-D” to the “A-Tone, B-Tone, See-Tone” which upon Us Allen of Madison Son of Satan imparted - so watch out for owls and crescents.

      Signs and traces of owls and crescents act as virtual tabernacles charged with sigil and seal, and with talismans (talismen?) aplenty, all suitable for ensuring reliable access to alternate neighboring celestial dimensions. It's like a United Nations World Passport, but for ghosts.

      You Heard it Here First^TM; by taking entheogenic hallucinogenic plants, you can send yourself into psycho-shamanic trances, in which you may experience glossolalia, or “speaking in tongues”. Record yourself doing an incantation! Do the Wop Bam Boogaloo.

      Write down the words later, in whatever pre-existing or invented (or summoned) language you please! Go overboard, get all Joseph Smith about it. Make the Shroud of Turin into your own personal waifu pillowcase if you have to, just Do a Goddamn Thing for the Empire!

      The more sigils, seals, talismans, talisman-based shibboleths, and other meaning-based currencies you collect, the more domain names you can come up with. That's why the more symbols you generate through ecstatic ritual glossolalia, and the more pictograms (such as hieroglyphics and emojis) - and cryptograms, codices, and even entirely “new” (i.e., primordial) languages - the better (another tip: Spell things any way you like. Remember, you can't spell “spell” without “spell”!!!).

      Then you just sit back, like a nest-egg on an anthill, and wait for the offers to come rolling in! It's easy as pi, as romantic as Romania!

      I heard you ask that question out loud, and yes, you should turn down opportunities that your conscious mind presents to you to make yourself less crazy (if you didn't ask anything out loud, this article is, once again, not for you).

      If you hear or sense a magickal impulse in the skull-bound spell-room in which your Psyche dwells a tortured prisoner, delve into it immediately, and believe it like your life depends on it. Put it all on 21 red! You are special, you are the ideal, and all patterns and symbols are convening to communicate to You that you alone are one with the gods, and The One to Shepherd the Weak Out of the Valley^TM. Put all your stock in your beliefs.

      This technique – called the Cherishing Technique^TM – allows the magician to extract as much meaning as possible from What Ze Has. In French they say chérie. In Spanish, they say querid@. In Spanish and Italian, it's carin@. In England, “dear” also means “expensive”. What does it mean to you that I'm telling you this? Don't mistake the medium for the message. Learn the language of Lov, the language of the World Wide Web.

      People need websites, don't they? Why wouldn't they need a website named after a nonsense word you came up with after you realized your new phone lets you type more symbols than your old phone? Don't^TM Tell^TM Me^TM The^TM Odds^TM. If You Build It, And Say God Built It, And Told You To Marry All Of Your Followers, They Will Come.

      We must invest multiple meanings into all of the words we use, for our most common words have dozens of meanings, for as Jesca taught us, words are all we have, if not love. This will enable maximum profit for all you Uber-loving millennials' witchcraft professionalization needs, so you can be a successful one-eyed, moneyed warlock who Pays^TM His^TM Goddamn^TM Taxes^TM!

      We can go on believing that the Illuminati-symbol-covered holographic honey-brick food-based currency (combination mutuum cheque) which we use today, is the best way to conduct trade in today's integrated globalizationist economy. But even though our modern currency fulfills all of the functions that make a currency valuable (even more so than the tea-brick or the onion), we must not ignore the value of a human being.

      And that is why I suggest investing in currencies backed by human skin.

      The value of the American dollar is backed by the blood, sweat, and tears of the American worker. It's a veritable spirit cooking of wealth in those sweatshops. After all, a “buck” is called a buck because it was named a buck back when a buckskin was worth a dollar (try to say that 999 times fast!). So why not Soylent up the currency?

      It would help restore financial soylency. And besides, that's where I write my blog. How else are you gonna keep that encyclical in circulation, unless you have a real circulatory system behind it? It would sure help us keep current with the fact of what our main export is (i.e., pain), information which has must be considered when establishing economic systems and choosing which currencies to use and invest in.

      So my advice: keep a steady stream of currency in your river bank. You can ask the River of Jordan that is Jordan Maxwell What^TM I'm^TM Talking^TM About^TM. Know the secrets of your Berth.

      The main lesson here is that the best way to get What^TM You^TM Have^TM to appreciate in value, is to appreciate it more. Appreciate that Hebrew Typewriter with the Keys^TM Made^TM Out^TM of^TM Dice^TM Carved^TM from^TM Endangered^TM White^TM Rhino^TM Teeth^TM better, by destroying it. I mean make it, name it, cash in on the domain names, and then destroy it.

      Be sure to destroy everything you own (including yourself) – especially if you have two or more of the relevant item – in order to exploit scarcity and make your valuable items invaluable (or else smashed on the floor). Don't forget to salvage the scraps, arrange them meticulously in orders that will only make sense at a certain time, and make new languages out of that.

      Remember the First Rule of Sigil Money: You've^TM Got^TM a^TM Portfolio^TM to Maintain^TM. There Is No Second Rule Of Sigil Money. Just keep in mind that, like fire, schizophrenia can be harmful to those who fail to master it and harness its vast creative and emotional powers of imagination, introspection, and sympathy and empathy.

      Although, as they say (Who's they? Wait, who am I talking to?), a mind is a terrible thing to waste, and nothing is free except your opinion, the human brain may very well become the World Reserve Currency by 2025, so the Yuan better watch out! So hold on to your head like you hold onto the night (or if you're into Zen instead of 80's music, like you hold fast to the pillow).

      Additional ways to grow your wealth by exploiting scarcity include:

      1) Making yourself scarce;

      2) Hiding your magickal items away from your normie half-orc friends; Remember the Folding Rule: Nobody^TM Needs^TM to^TM See^TM That^TM Shit^TM. You haven't even figured out how those clothespins connect to spell angelic messages out of meaningless symbols, what makes you think your guests are going to know how? …Oh right, Crowley's wife in the Pyramid. … anyway, also:

      3) Murdering your döppelganger (as always) to protect against identity theft. Consider doing the same to your shadow, as well as your Jungian Shadow.

      These steps (i.e., magick tricks) will help you increase the value of your ritual items (including your sealskin seals, your talisman chalicements, etc.), while also ironically making you into a more highly valued target for currency-skinning. So hold on to your buckskin; it's all in a day's work for dear Bambi.

      Finally, 1) Take full ownership of yourself; be a precious jewel, a diamond in the rough; 2) Print a bunch of stylized Andy Warhol faces onto sacramental communion wafers with a wafer press, use them as an edible currency (for use in fashionable indulgences), and call it art; 3) Pay Your Goddamn Taxes^TM, and 4) Redeem yourself, not all of your insignificant possessions for money over eBay.

      Or the other thing, whatever floats your Ark. That garbage screw just might be a fetish after all.

      If all else fails, picture your audience as a bunch of empty sacks of money.

      Take advantage. There's no limit to what you have to gain.

$igned,

God Will Increase

      S.P.Q.R.: All capitalized phrases herein not capitalized upon are hereby up-for-grabs for both copyrighting and open access.

Written on July 15th and 16th, 2017