Table of Contents
Introduction
Step 1. Five Immediate Pieces of Advice (About Social Interaction, Medications and Drugs, and More)
Step 2:
Collecting Evidence (Part 1: Thoughts, Misc. Disorders, and Drugs and Alcohol)
Step
3. Paranoia vs. Pronoia
Step
4. Collecting
Evidence (Part 2: Paranoia and Pronoia)
Step 5. Managing Your Symptoms, and the Links Between Food, Sleep, and Hallucinations
Step
6. Collecting
Evidence (Part 3: Food, Sleep, and Hallucinations)
Step
7. Abuse, Mental Illnesses Besides Schizophrenia, and the Occult
Step
8. Collecting
Evidence (Part 4: Abuse, Misc. Disorders, and Spiritual Topics)
Step
9. Planning
the Post-Trigger Phase
Step
10. Listing
Your Triggers
Step
11: Triggering
Yourself to Recover Repressed Memories
Step
12: Collecting
Evidence (Part 5: Abuse and Triggers)
Step
13: Reconstructing
the Gestalt
Step 14: Collecting Evidence (Part 6: Reconstructing the Gestalt and Stating the Obvious)
Step
15: Deciding
Who to Talk To, and Presenting the Evidence
Step 16: Following Up: Collecting Evidence (Part 7: Actionability and Misc. Questions)
Step 17: The Questionnaire
Post-Script, Pt. 1: How
to Recover from Sleep Paralysis
Post-Script, Pt. 2: How to Induce and Simulate Symptoms of Schizophrenia (If Necessary)
___________________________________________________________________________________
Content
Introduction
This article was written to help people who suspect that they may be suffering from schizophrenia or other psychotic mental disorders. Because the symptoms of schizophrenia are numerous, and overlap with the symptoms of other disorders, this article should help inform the reader about other disorders from which they might be suffering, instead of or in addition to schizophrenia.
You are reading this article because you can't tell reality from fantasy anymore. But it's OK; to read this article is to declare that you want to get better. If anyone is calling you "crazy", remember that "crazy" is not an official psychiatric or medical diagnosis. Psychosis and schizophrenia are, however.
The purpose of this article is to determine whether you are experiencing symptoms of schizophrenia (a form of psychotic mental illness), and/or other disorders. This article will also (hopefully) help you collect your thoughts and put some of your feelings into words, so you can make a record of your current state of mind for later. This information may be useful for you to have, and to share with a therapist later, if you so choose.
I wrote this article because I would have appreciated hearing this information back in 2015, when I had only two friends - both of whom suffered from mental illnesses - and was spending a lot of time alone, and then started to experience hallucinations and delusionary thoughts and thought processes, in addition to intense amounts of fear and dark thoughts.
I now recognize those symptoms as symptoms of P.T.S.D., Dissociative Identity Disorder, and other ailments such as Seasonal Affective Disorder (brought on by a lack of sunlight), Fregoli delusion, Protagonist Syndrome, and amphetamine-induced psychosis.
Please keep in mind that, due to the disturbing nature of the topic of mental illness, many controversial and potentially "triggering" subjects will be discussed throughout this article. These include physical and sexual abuse, other types of trauma, and hallucinations. A thorough discussion of schizophrenia could be had without mentioning my personal memories of abuse as often as I did, but I have included these references in order to show that 1) my advice is trustworthy because my experiences are relatable; and also 2) to present the reader numerous times with the possibility that they may have been abused. If these stories do not help you recover memories or relate, then it's likely that you were not abused, so those passages won't apply to you. But if you find it stressful to be presented with that possibility, then that's all the more reason why you should read the passages in full, and/or consider that past abuse could explain why reading these passages causes you stress.
If you are "sane enough to know you are going insane" right now, then you are likely experiencing either schizophrenia, or apophenia.
Apophenia is perceiving connections where no such connections exist. For the purposes of science and statistics, apophenia refers to seeing patterns in random data.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Apophenia
Another related term is pareidolia, which refers to perceiving significance in stimuli have none. You may have encountered the word pareidolia before; in the word "cartopareidolia", a condition in which a person sees maps and shapes of continents in places where nobody else seems to see them.
For someone who looks at maps a lot, this is probably not a very unusual condition. I was once reading a book, and saw the coastline of Southern and eastern Asia, as the gaps between the words on the page. I drew that outline with pencil, from memory. I was obsessed with maps as a kid.
Whether you are suffering from symptoms of mental illness, or you're just a science buff, it would help you to familiarize yourself with apophenia.
You may have experienced many coincidences lately, which caused you to feel special and unique. Experiencing a serendipitous feeling frequently can increase the chances that your thought processes could become increasingly self-referential. If that is what it happening to you, then it may be a sign that you need a "reality check".
The trouble is, though, that the more self-referential your thought processes are, the more difficult it becomes to socialize with others (because of how special and unique you feel), and the harder it becomes to trust others.
Apophenia has been described as "the early stages of schizophrenia", but perceiving connections where no such connections actually exist, does not necessarily mean that you're "crazy" or even schizophrenic.
You might just have an overactive ability to perceive patterns, or you want to see patterns where they might not exist, either because you're bored and/or have an overactive imagination. Or maybe your ability to perceive reality correctly is faulty because you were taught a lot of lies throughout your life. Or you see a pattern where nobody else recognizes a pattern.
It's important to consider all of these possibilities; you don't want to end up medicating yourself, or wasting money on therapy, if there's actually nothing wrong with you physically, just your thought processes. If you can think clearly, and articulate why you believe these patterns to exist, -and you're not experiencing any thoughts that could be described as delusionary, hallucinations, dissociation, nor identity disorders - then it's possible that your apophenia is nothing to be worried about, and will not develop into schizophrenia.
Suppose that you've stumbled upon an example of the government lying or being corrupt - or discovered that someone has committed a crime, or discovered a linguistic connection - that nobody else discovered before. If you can find the clarity of mind to prove that the pattern you see is really real, then see if you can prove it! If you suspect a pattern exists, and nobody notices it, then write an article about it!
There are usually logical explanations for what we think we see, if we think hard enough.
It's also important to keep in mind that current - or even past - use of psychedelic and hallucinogenic drugs, can cause persistent hallucinations.
Psychedelic drugs can increase our ability to perceive patterns, but they can also cause us to see patterns where none exist. The use of L.S.D. can cause a person to see patterns in a sidewalk paved with pebbles, and feel as if each individual pebble was placed where it was on purpose.
If you're experiencing hallucinations, and you're a drug user, it's important to ask yourself how recently you last used psychedelics, hallucinogens, or deliriants. It's possible that they are still affecting you, and your ability to process reality, and to tell the difference between the patterns that really exist and the patterns that you made up.
If you find that you are having persistent difficulty keeping track of facts day to day, then you are either suffering from an inability to think clearly which has a psychiatric explanation, or else you simply need to get organized.
If you have a lot of papers, then get them organized as soon as possible. If you can't do it by yourself, ask a trusted friend who's good at organizing, to help you. Or ask someone who's good with technology and computers - or who can at least type - to help you type some things, or organize your digital files. This will help you reduce the stress on yourself, by deferring and delegating tasks to someone who can help you, and possibly even teach you, how to do those tasks better.
Separate your papers into categories, and group them, in whichever way makes sense to you right now. Those categories might not continue to make sense, but you will be glad that you have them all in one folder or binder, accessible for whenever you might need them.
If you no longer need that folder, or the sight of it starts "creeping you out", then put it away somewhere where you won't be haunted by unwanted thoughts of it.
If you have papers that you can make sense of, and you feel comfortable sharing those thoughts, then consider turning it into a book. If you're unsure, let a psychiatrist see it first and get their thoughts.
If neither of those seem likely, then someone may be gaslighting you; for example, by claiming that they never said something you clearly remember them saying, or by claiming they never moved an item when there's no other reasonable explanation for how it got there.
Gaslighting occurs when someone is manipulated and tricked into doubting their own sanity. The 1944 film Gaslighting depicts a husband who plays with the level of gas lights, to darken rooms, to make his wife think she is losing her mind.
If anyone calls you "catatonic", keep in mind that catatonia involves lack of movement or irregular movement as well as irregular speech or lack of speech.
It also involves agitation, confusion, and restlessness. If this describes you, it's possible that you are suffering from catatonic schizophrenia. But it's also possible that someone is trying to gaslight you, and/or agitate you, on purpose, in order to make you think that you have this condition.
If you think about it, someone who wants to make you look crazy, could easily describe your symptoms as "catatonic", no matter what you are doing. If somebody else chooses to say that they perceive your sitting still, or remaining calm, or remaining quiet, as "catatonic" - when you are actually just trying to stay calm, get some peace and quiet, and mind your own business - then it's likely that you do not have catatonic schizophrenia.
Do not attempt to fly. Do not set any buildings on fire, and do not light any fires indoors, even if you think it will help someone (unless you have permission). If you must light a candle, and cannot do it outdoors, then wait to light the candle until you can do it somewhere where you have obtained permission.
Do not kill yourself. Listening to the Spice Girls will "set your spirit free" much more than suicide ever could. Your spirit stays free not by escaping your body, but by remaining within it, and enjoying life.
Do not kill or hurt others. Do not hurt, harm, or cut yourself. Do not get a piercing or tattoo unless and until you are sure that you are not doing it because you just want to feel pain (or just want to feel "something").
Self-care is cool.
You have a right to protect yourself and keep yourself safe from pain and abuse. Make sure that you are safe from others who may wish to harm you. Explain this to anyone who may accuse you of "isolating yourself" on purpose.
Everything is going to be OK.
If you are doubting whether you are real, then I assure you that you are real, as am I, Joe Kopsick, the author of this article. I may not have experienced schizophrenic symptoms to the extent to which you have, but to at least some degree, I have been through what you are going through.
I have provided many personal anecdotes in this article, to help illustrate and provide examples of what I am saying. These are based on my own experiences – with symptoms of schizophrenia, Dissociative Identity Disorder, and P.T.S.D. – which I went through in January and February of 2015.
I am not here to judge, nor doubt, the reader; nor accuse the reader of lying or making anything up. I will not be telling you to “get over it”. I will, however, give advice on how to confront what you need to confront, when you are strong enough to do so.
I apologize if anything in this article seems like a joke; if it does, it is only a half-joke, and I included it for a reason. My references to things we might hallucinate, is not intended as mockery of people suffering from mental illness. I assure you that I have suffered from the delusions I mention below. I mention many "oddly specific" things, because I suspect that they are more common to people experiencing schizophrenia than some might think. I have included many of these half-jokes as a way to comfort the reader; to tell them that their suspicions are not as uncommon as they might think.
After all, this is all about finding out whether our suspicions are founded, or whether they are unfounded delusions, right? It would be unfair to label all of your suspicions as unfounded. Some things are a matter of opinion, and cannot be discerned by attempts to ascertain objective, unbiased logic.
If you suspect that you may be related to a royal family, this may not be a delusion.
Nearly every white person is descended from Charlemagne. Kings tend to kill everyone they can, whose family refuses to intermarry with their own. Most people are either royalty, or the bastards of royalty. If you suspect that you may be a princess, or related to a king, then there is a way to verify that. Get on Geni.com, or Ancestry.com, or get a DNA test that you can trust (not to keep your DNA and clone you, or whatever they do), and find out for sure.
If you suspect that you are immortal, this may not be a delusion. I repeat: Do not kill yourself; as death might not actually be inevitable!
Functional immortality is a real thing, and if we properly utilize medical technologies (especially genetic research and therapy), some day we may become capable of extending the human lifespan, by more than one year of increased lifespan per calendar year.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Immortality#Biological_immortality
Feel free to e-mail me about this topic, or any other. I am here to help. If you have questions that are not addressed in this article, then you can e-mail me at jwkopsick@gmail.com.
_______________________
Step 1. Five Immediate Pieces of Advice (About Social Interaction, Medication and Drugs, and More)
1.
Don't panic. Read this article one sentence at a time, and one
section at a time. Everything is going to be OK. You are not dying. [At least probably not. If you think you are, then figure out why you think that, and write it down. You may have a medical condition of which I'm unaware]
You are not going to disappear. It is possible to regain your sanity. Breathe slowly, stay calm, and keep reading. Keep the things you do simple, in order to avoid overwhelming yourself.
[I have provided additional details about this piece of advice below.]
2. Do not talk to any strangers, nor to anyone, until you know who you can trust. Keep it together. Keep a low profile. Don't scream, or raise your voice at anybody, or do anything that could get you arrested or involuntarily committed. You can do this. I believe in you.
[I have provided additional details about this piece of advice below.]
3.
Learn how to hold your tongue.
[I mean this figuratively only;
if you accidentally take this advice literally, then wash your hands
before touching someone. But don't touch anyone either way; refer to the previous piece of advice. You shouldn't be talking to anyone until what you're saying makes sense.
If you don't want people to know
what you're thinking, then stop talking to yourself out loud in front
of people. This will help avoid drawing negative attention to
yourself. You will never regret learning how to tell when to stop
talking, and knowing when you have said enough.
If you are asking yourself questions, and then answering them, you may have schizophrenia.]
4.
Get to a computer, and print this article.
Also, save the link to this article, or save its text in a word processing document, in case you want to visit some of the links provided below, to learn more about the topics mentioned herein.
5.
Find a pen or pencil - and, if you can find one, a highlighter - and take this article to a safe and calm place (like your bedroom, a park bench, a library, or a beach), where you can be alone. Prepare to highlight anything that seems familiar, or stands out, to you, while reading this article.
Also, fill out the first two pages, regarding your names - and the possible identity disorders which you may be experiencing - whenever you are ready to do so.
Once
you complete these five tasks above, you will be ready to read the
rest of the instructions and information in this article, and read
about how you will be collecting your thoughts and memories.
The
goal of this article is to determine what your symptoms are, whether
you are indeed experiencing schizophrenia, and whether you may be
experiencing different or additional ailments.
If you are experiencing intense flashbacks, and/or panic attacks, and do not have the patience or composure to read this article, then what you need to do right now is make a list of things that you have noticed help reduce your flashbacks and/or panic attacks.
These "de-stressors" may include people, pets and animals, comfortable rooms or buildings or other surroundings, your favorite drinks and "comfort foods", your favorite smells or types of incense, a hot bath or shower, resting, getting a massage, or playing an instrument, punching a punching bag, or squeezing a stress ball.
Make that list, circle a few things on that list which you can easily do right now, and then do them. You will need to calm yourself down - and reduce your level of panic and the frequency of your flashbacks - before reading the remainder of this article.
The path to recovery will require you to find a way to reduce the fear that you have, of whatever hallucinations, delusions, or painful memories you may be experiencing. You will need to acquaint yourself with these painful memories as soon as you become able to do so without breaking down emotionally or experiencing panic attacks and severe stress episodes.
___________________
To
expand upon the second and third pieces of advice mentioned above:
Don't
talk about any of the strange thoughts you've been having, with
anybody, unless you're sure that they would not use that information
to mock you or make you look insane to others, or involuntary commit
you or have you medicated against your will.
Make a short list of people you can trust. This list should probably include:
-
your best friend(s)
- the sibling with whom you get along best,
and/or confide in the most,
- the parent who has been the nicest
to you, and/or
- any relative, teacher, or public official, whom
you would trust to keep a secret, rather than to immediately tell
your parents everything you said.
Next, if applicable, add some of this information to the list of things and people that reduce your panic and stress level and reduce your flashbacks.
Predatory people can sense
whether someone is gullible, and whether they are vulnerable due to
being in a suggestible state of mind.
Even if a stranger doesn't
hurt you, you are not in the right state of mind to meet someone new. You are not in the proper state of mind to be able to verify what a new person says about who they are.
Find someone you trust, who you know is who they say they are, to help you perform a "check" on any thoughts you're having that might not be based on reality.
In this fragile state of mind, you might even begin to suspect that people around you have been replaced by replicas; this is called Capgras delusion, or "imposter syndrome". This delusion is accompanied by the persistent feeling that someone is "not who they used to be", and not just figuratively, but literally. If you believe that someone has been replaced with a clone of themselves, you may have Capgras delusion. If you have experienced this delusion, don't forget to note that fact, and remember its name.
Talking to strangers –
and especially letting strangers into your house – is not something
you should do.
It may seem to you, now, like only a randomly selected
stranger could possibly relate to you or understand you, or that you
are so lonely that you literally need to find a random stranger in
order to have friends again. Even if you have Fregoli delusion or imposter syndrome, it's not always true that the only way to meet someone whose identity you can confirm, is to reach out to a complete stranger. Think hard about everyone you know who may be nearby - or even within a phone call's or e-mail's "distance" - before resorting to utilizing a stranger to help you do a reality check.
If you must reach out to someone new, then you would
probably be better off reaching out, directly, to a therapist (or
going to a hospital or fire station, if you are injured, or severely
malnourished, or have been abused or badly neglected by someone
recently).
The
last thing you want to do is ask some complete stranger what he knows
about the King Arthur legends, and then tell him that putting a
clothespin on your tongue makes you suddenly magically able to speak
perfect Spanish.
That person will immediately know that you're
experiencing a mental disturbance. If that person is the predatory
type, they might use that opportunity to defraud you, or maybe even
rob you or hurt you.
Be very careful what you say, and to whom you say it. The purpose of this article – and the questionnaire at the end – are to help you figure out, precisely, what is true about your condition and your thoughts, so that you can figure out what to say about your symptoms, to whom. Hopefully, this article will help you put your delusional thoughts on paper, in order to help you think more clearly about which thoughts you should speak out loud to others.
It may also be necessary to distance yourself from pets or animals, unless they are useful for comforting you in this time.
Don't read too far into the subtext of what other people say; there might not actually be any subtext that they intended. If someone uses the phrase "the book", and you think they're talking about the Bible - but you aren't sure - don't jump to conclusions! Just keep your mouth shut, until you can make more sense of reality.
There shouldn't be anything ambiguous, or strange, about what you say to others, until you can set aside this time to read this article and fill out the questionnaire at the end. Don't risk letting others believe you are "crazy", when you are so close to getting better. If you play a lot of games, and use avatars or false names a lot, then you might want to stop doing that (unless it helps you to fantasize about being that person or character in a safe way).
Also, do not talk to inanimate objects. If you feel that you must, though, don't let anyone see you doing it (unless it's a tree, and you're at a hippie festival). And don't expect the objects to respond.
If this describes you, ask yourself why you think these certain objects are talking to you. If a Simon and Garfunkel song made you want to talk to a lamppost, well then, I guess that explains that, now, doesn't it? What you're writing down will either make sense right away or it won't. Either the lamppost has rhymes for you or it doesn't. Don't worry yourself beatboxing all night waiting for the lamppost to jump in.
If your delusions don't make sense now, they might later. Don't worry about that right now. Just write it down and move on. You're probably experiencing a lot of thoughts right now. You will feel more in control of your mind, the more of your thoughts you are able to put into words.
It would be difficult to stop showing symptoms of schizophrenia, if you were surrounded by nothing but schizophrenic and bipolar people, and people with D.I.D. and P.T.S.D., right? Especially people who have mental illnesses and don't take them seriously, or let people make them into a joke or a laughing matter.
That's what happened to me. I found myself with only two friends left; one of them had schizophrenia and the other had bipolar. I believe that I “absorbed” their symptoms, in the same way that one can experience a “contact high” or “contact buzz” when around someone who is high or drinking. My friend who had paranoid schizophrenia joked about mental illness a lot, but he also had plenty of serious things to say about mental illness, psychology, and psychopharmacology. He told me several times that there should be at least some stigmatization of mental illnesses, because removing the stigma completely reinforces the idea that mental illness is not a serious problem. It is a serious problem, and it takes lives. If it's therapeutic to you to make jokes about your own delusions, then that is fine, as long as you do not make a laughingstock out of people with similar problems, and as long as you do not say too many crazy things around too many people for too long an amount of time.
If everything that seems “edgy” or “transgressive” is automatically labeled “cool” just because it's transgressive, then that means crazy is cool. It means that affecting, enhancing, exaggerating, and insisting upon one's delusionary thoughts and behaviors, can be done without the threat of shame.
I am absolutely not saying that everyone experiencing delusionary symptoms is “crazy”, or faking it. In fact, people suffering from mental illnesses will often find it necessary to exaggerate (or at least frequently summarize) their problems, in order to get adequate attention and help. That is, again, nothing to be ashamed of. But it is not acceptable to build a culture around delusionary behavior. Nor is it acceptable to distract professional therapeutic attention away from people who need psychiatric help much more desperately than you do.
There is an excessive de-stigmatization of mental illness going on. Just like how clothing companies push “poverty chic” by selling us ripped jeans, nothing will stop pop culture and capitalism from appropriating and selling literal insanity as fashion, as if it were merely another element of “street culture”.
If you are experiencing severe hallucinations, and bizarre or strange thoughts - and also flu-like symptoms such as fever, nausea, vomiting - then it's possible that you have rabies, and that the hallucinations are due to that, rather than schizophrenia.
However, the symptoms of rabies also include headache, agitation, anxiety, confusion, hyperactivity, irritability or aggressiveness, excessive movements, weakness or paralysis, muscle spasms, unusual postures, and seizures such as convulsions.
If this describes how you are feeling, ask yourself whether you were recently bitten or scratched by am animal, or ate an animal brain, or came into direct physical contact with a possibly rabid animal. If possible, arrange to have the animal trapped, in case you need to test it for rabies.
_______________________
Regarding
marijuana, caffeine, psychiatric medications, and alcohol:
Something
else to do immediately, is to try to reduce the amount of drugs that
you're taking overall. Especially if you're taking hallucinogens,
deliriants, psychedelics stronger than marijuana, and all hard drugs;
cut those out of your drug regimen immediately.
They can cause hallucinations, and right
now you're trying to minimize
your hallucinations, not increase them.
Regarding marijuana:
Remember
that marijuana is a mild psychedelic. A psychedelic effect is basically an extremely mild hallucinogenic effect, as they both cause distortions in perception.
Cannabis and marijuana are not narcotics, in the way that opiates are, however. But cannabis does have a mild sedative effect (especially strains high in CBD). Marijuana can also have a mild stimulant effect as well; especially the "head high" felt when one smokes strains high in THC. Marijuana is not a
deliriant, however, and it is certainly not a strong hallucinogen.
But as a mild
psychedelic, it does increase sensitivity to sights and sounds, and enhances any colors and patterns visible. Only in very strong forms or high doses, can it result in visuals which remotely approach the intensity of those experienced on psilocybin mushrooms or LSD.
For those
who have never used marijuana, it absolutely does not make you
see things, or hear things, that are not there. But it heightens your
focus on your own imagination, and in a way gently loosens the
so-called “doors of perception” (the floodgates which stops
subconscious thoughts from flowing into the conscious mind and
overwhelming it). So decreasing use of marijuana may be helpful in
people experiencing schizophrenic symptoms.
The study linked
below asserts that marijuana use during adolescence may contribute to
increased chance of psychotic disorders (which include
schizophrenia).
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2424288/
Also,
keep in mind that marijuana strains higher in THC
(tetrahydracannabinol), and hybrids, are more likely to cause mental
and emotional reactions than physical reactions. That's because CBD
(cannabidiol) is the “body high” marijuana chemical, while
delta-9-THC is the psychoactive chemical. If you want to reduce your
schizophrenic symptoms, but are in too much physical and/or emotional
pain to get off of marijuana completely right now, then switching to
smoking strains high in CBD and low in THC is probably a step in a
good direction. But consider quitting, or changing your smoking
habits, again later, whenever you feel that something isn't working
for you.
Regarding caffeine:
If you are a coffee drinker, it is important to remember that caffeine can increase your risk of experiencing hallucinations or delusions, if you combine caffeine with stress.
http://www.abc.net.au/news/2011-06-21/high-caffeine-use-linked-to-psychotic-symptoms/2766144
The study
linked below asserts that eliminating caffeine intake does not make
psychotic symptoms worse or
better.
http://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/9826240/#:~:text=In%20nonhumans%2C%20caffeine%20enhances%20the,make%20them%20better%20or%20worse.
If you are experiencing schizophrenic or other psychotic symptoms, and you drink coffee, and are experiencing stress, then you should either try to reduce your stress level, your coffee intake, or both. If neither approach reduces your delusions or hallucinations, then you will need to attempt some other approach.
Do whatever works, but don't go overboard with self-medication. Don't try medications that could kill you, or that you don't know much about. Don't start eating plants unless you've identified them in a field manual and you're sure they're safe to eat.
Regarding psychiatric medications and alcohol:
If you are currently on psychiatric medications, then learn as much as you can about the side effects of that drug (or those drugs). If you are not on psychiatric meds, but someone has recommended a specific medication to you, you should still learn as much as you can about the drug.
It
is very important to consider whether the effects of a drug might
interfere with your ability to think clearly, speak clearly, and
remember things easily. Your ability to recover lost repressed
memories might become damaged, if you take psychiatric drugs which
have what I would describe as neurotranquilizing effects; i.e., sedative effects. Alcohol has similar effects, because it has sedative effects (as well as some stimulating effects); it's the brain 's cognitive centers that get sedated.
If you are a heavy drinker, or even a regular drinker, I would suggest reducing your alcohol intake. That goes whether you are suffering from delusions or hallucinations, or not. If you are, now is not the time to hinder your ability to walk, see, or think clearly. Unless, that is, you are suffering from extreme headaches, and can't think of any other way to get relief. But be forewarned; alcohol constricts the blood vessels. Drinking alcohol will increase your risk of heart attack or stroke, and the fact that it constricts the blood vessels is more likely to increase the amount of stress you are feeling.
But if you haven't drunk much alcohol in your life, and/or you're severely depressed, and drinking in small amounts makes you feel better and improves your mood, then have a little alcohol, just not too much. Try a little Irish coffee; or Kombucha, which contains small amounts of alcohol. Or cook foods with wine or cooking sherry, or bake cookies with frosting that call for the use of vanilla extract that has alcohol in it.
If alcohol helps, and you are of age to buy and drink it, then use it. But think of a way to avoid going overboard with your alcohol use. And use whichever safe alternatives to alcohol are available, as soon as you are able to reduce your alcohol use.
_______________________
"S.G.A." stands for "Second-Generation Antipsychotics". Abilify is in a class of drugs known as "atypical antipsychotics". Other drugs in this class include Seroquel, Risperdal, Geodon, and Zyprexa.
Abilify (aripiprazole) is prescribed for bipolar disorder, clinical depression, autism-associated irritability, and various psychological disorders experienced by teenagers. Abilify is also used to treat schizophrenia.
http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2008/mar/02/mythoftheantipsychotic?fbclid=IwAR30axxWTJqQ_CRSOpq6t4KsubsgsKNLG8hFkPV4Vam6aEV5crwgjPAw58w
I say that psychiatric medications "shield us from having to deal with reality" because some patients of Abilify have reported a "loss of joy" resulting from the medication blocking-out all emotional extremes. One YouTube commenter who had taken Abilify, reported that Abilify got rid of his depression, but also got rid of his ability to experience joy and happiness.
People who are experiencing hallucinations or delusions or identity disorders - and victims of beatings, rape, and emotional abuse - do not need to be sedated, nor do they need to have their range of emotions narrowed and muted. They need someone to listen to them talk about their problems, and they need someone to help them do reality-checks.
I believe that, if I had taken Abilify in early 2015 (when my memories of childhood abuse began to resurface), then I could have suffered neurological impairments, and/or inability to move my mouth properly, which would have made it exceedingly difficult to continue to retrieve suppressed memories, and to articulate those memories verbally.
It's possible that psychiatrists - and maybe even my former psychiatrist, Dr. Feld - know about this effect. It's possible that they prescribe these neurotranquilizers - that is, nerve tranquilizers, i.e., sedatives - to diminish the speaking and fleeing ability of young people who are suffering from disruptive thought processes because they suffered forms of trauma in the past and cannot safely divulge those traumas.
All of these facts and potentialities point to the possibilities that the over-prescription of neurotranquilizing and neuroleptic antipsychotic medications - and the over-diagnosis of disorders for which antipsychotic sedatives are prescribed - in order to "dope-up" the patient and render them immobile and speechless (which only serves to make them look more "catatonic" than before), is actually a systemic problem.
It is certainly not a problem which can be medicated away.
There are club drugs that are being prescribed as anti-depressants now. Namely Ketamine, which was known as a date-rape drug until just ten years ago.
Don't
tell me that "psychiatric medications aren't drugs" just because
they're made in a lab by scientists. That would be like arguing that
marijuana has no psychoactive effects just because it grows out of
the ground.
The fact that club drugs are moving into psychiatrists'
office, means that you have every right to use the word “drugs”
when referring to, or refusing to take, medications whose full
effects on the nervous system have arguably not been sufficiently
tested.
You have every right to refuse to take psychiatric medications, as long as you are prepared to confront painful and distressing memories head-on.
You
may also wish to look into other more natural cures which may be
available. Skullcap, for example, is an herb that promotes alertness,
while also creating a soothing feeling. You can buy skullcap tea. You
may also wish to research anti-addictive chemicals, although the
anti-addictive ibogaine is hallucinogenic, and illegal in the United
States. A derivative of ibogaine, 18-MC, has no psychedelic effects,
and has been shown to reduce addiction in laboratory mice.
It's also possible that what you are experiencing is psychiatric symptoms associated with nerve degeneration, caused by a deficiency of niacin (also known as Vitamin B3) in your system.
http://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/25855923/
Niacin stimulates the production of dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin. Those neurotransmitters affect memory, learning, recognition, and recall, and mood. That's why insufficient intake of niacin can negatively affect our cognitive function.
If you suspect that you aren't getting enough niacin, talk to your doctor, nutritionist, and/or psychiatrist, and decide whether you should start drinking vitamin water containing B3, and/or whether you should get more of the high-in-niacin foods which are listed in the article linked below.
http://www.healthline.com/nutrition/foods-high-in-niacin#TOC_TITLE_HDR_2
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Step 2: Collecting Evidence (Part 1: Thoughts, Misc. Disorders, Drugs and Alcohol)
While answering the questions I asked in Step #1, write
down short lists of the people you trust the most, and the least, as your answers to Question #14.
Write down the things and people that make you less stressed and make you less likely to experience panic attacks, flashbacks, hallucinations, delusions, etc. (whichever of these apply to you), as your answers to Questions #17 through #19.
Write down whether you have experienced flashbacks, and panic attacks - and whether you think they might be occurring as the result of a past trauma - as your answers to Questions #7 and #8.
Then write down the changes you'd like to make to your drug regimen
(including marijuana, alcohol, caffeine, and any other medications
you are taking), as your answer to Question #19.
Additionally, write down any notes you have about which
medications you need to know more about, before deciding whether to start using them.
After filling-in your name(s), alter egos, and other information about your identity, fill in the first nineteen questions (Questions #1 through #19) in the questionnaire at the end of this article. That questionnaire is the last of seventeen steps to identify and recover from schizophrenic symptoms.
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Step
3. Paranoia vs. Pronoia
Paranoia
As explained above, the symptoms of schizophrenia include delusions and hallucinations, paranoid (or pronoid) thinking, disorganized thinking, and changes in emotions and mood swings. Lack of motivation, loss of attention to hygiene, and lethargy can also be symptoms.
Paranoid
delusionary schizophrenia involves the delusion that you are being
followed or stalked, harassed, tracked or spied upon, or persecuted.
Simply put, a paranoid delusion is a belief that someone is plotting
against you, or that two or more people are conspiring against you,
when they are not.
Before continuing, some notes about suspicions that you are being followed:
If you suspect that you are being followed, collect evidence. Figure out for what amounts of time and distance they have been stalking you, if possible. And in case you're mistaken, perform "reality checks". Consider alternatives which would explain that perceived stalking, more easily than what you suspect is going on, seems to explain it.
Suppose that you think you are being stalked by Devil worshippers. Suppose that you tell someone this, and they say "There's no such thing as the Devil, don't worry about it." This should not make you feel less worried. Even if there is no such thing as the Devil, that does not ensure that there is nobody who might want to kill you while sacrificing you to the Devil. The fact of the Devil not existing, would not make it impossible to drain you of your blood, whether it's done in order to make the Devil happy or not.
Maybe someone is following you, but maybe they aren't following you on purpose. Do not attack someone who appears to be following you, unless you are certain that they are carrying a weapon, and reasonably believe that they intend to use it. You don't want to kill someone, thinking they're the Devil, and get it wrong. Also, don't kill anyone because you think God or the Devil wants you to. The voice might be a hallucination, or someone you know might be playing a prank on you by impersonating someone.
Don't be suspicious of people who don't deserve it. Respect people, and their property and boundaries, and they will respect you. An analysis of whether you should be suspicious of someone, must always be evidence-based. If someone is stalking you, then they must have a name, and they probably have a motive. Find this information out and determine whether there are any better, or alternative, explanations.
If you find yourself constantly worried about your safety, and you have experienced persistent hallucinations, then it's likely that you are experiencing paranoid delusionary schizophrenia.
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Pronoia
There is also pronoid delusion, which is less common than paranoia. Pronoia is the delusion that people are conspiring to help you, rather than hurt you.
As
author Joseph Heller wrote in Catch-22,
“Just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean they aren't after you.” Ask yourself whether there is any evidence supporting your pronoid or paranoid thoughts.
If you think people are planning a surprise party for you, ask yourself "Is my birthday even coming up soon?" Gather the facts about when you think the surprise is happening, and why. Determine whether you can confirm your suspicions, without resorting to logic that would sound twisted or made-up to an educated person.
I once thought that everyone I knew was secretly conspiring to help turn me into a great puppeteer. I thought I had to write a puppet show by a certain date, and perform it live in Chicago. I had never written a puppet show before. I later realized - after talking to a trusted friend about that possibility - that nobody was thinking anything remotely like that. Within two years after that, I decided to write a puppet show about Alex Jones, Bill Hicks, and the Devil, with a friend of mine, and we performed it together in North Carolina in the summer of 2017.
I didn't pursue puppetry as a full-time job as a result of that, but I realized that even though nobody was conspiring to make me a great puppeteer, nobody was stopping me from becoming one if I wanted to. But more importantly, they specifically did not book me to perform a puppet show in Chicago in 2015.
I know now that there was a reasonable explanation for all of this! I probably began to develop a desire to become a puppeteer, when I experienced a fracturing of my identity, which led me to develop alter egos, and so I increasingly used other people's and characters' voices when speaking to one or two of my friends (basically my only friends at the time). I also found a Pinocchio marionette in my toy box in my father's house later on, which is what prompted me to speak about the delusion out loud. I was also haunted with the feeling that my father was trying to turn me into his puppet, meaning that he was being controlling.
[Note: Being controlling is the non-symbolic, non-metaphorical way to describe what was happening; stick to the world of facts. If you find yourself saying "This person is brainwashing me", or you find yourself arguing with someone about what the word "act" means (in the context of the way you're "acting"), then make sure to describe what you think is happening, without resorting to metaphors such as "brainwashing". Be more specific, and don't make any assumptions about what people are saying to you. If this becomes annoying to others, explain that you need to double-check in order to make sure you don't misunderstand or disappoint them, and in order to help you get (or keep) a firm grip on reality.]
Another time, I thought I was Rasputin, and a number of other people and characters. I believe that I experienced those delusions because of how much reality-checking I had to do during that time. The possibility that I had been molested as a child, and then screamed at and essentially bribed with gifts to keep quiet about it, seemed like remote possibilities. Until I realized that was what was happening, the chance that I was the Devil - or the chance that my skin was blue and everybody sees it but me and nobody is telling me - sincerely seemed less likely than what I was actually going through in reality. I thought these things because the reality that I was noticing, was at that point too horrifying and sad to consider.
Aside from the lesson that there is a logical explanation for almost everything, the above story about puppetry should teach us two other things: 1) It is important not to make assumptions; and 2) If you think something outlandish is going on, ask someone you trust, who would have no reason to lie to you (even to surprise you). If you don't like surprises, and one of your friends knows it, then you should consider letting that person be the one you do your "reality checks" with.
Do reality checks with multiple people. As it goes with verifying the truth of news sources, the more people who agree, the more likely it is that what they're agreeing upon, is actually true. If you have experienced thoughts which you suspect may be delusions, but someone else has experienced the same thoughts, then inform a psychiatrist and determine why that is the case.
Following this advice will help stop you from believing too many things without cause and without evidence.
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Step 4. Collecting Evidence (Part 2: Paranoia and Pronoia)
If
you are having paranoid (or pronoid) feelings, then you have every
right to explore whether those feelings can be validated. If you
think you are being spied on (for example), or you are experiencing
pronoid delusions that all of your friends are planning a secret
birthday party for you, then the most important thing you can do to
find out for sure, is to collect evidence.
If you think you're being spied on, and you live in an apartment which you don't own, then look around for cameras and audio recording devices. It's totally possible that your landlord has hidden such things around the house. It's their property, after all! Have you ever noticed a camera in the entrance of your apartment building? Wouldn't it be the property manager who watches the monitor?
Maybe your landlord is spying on you! Maybe he isn't.
On
a personal note, I had a guest over to my apartment in Portland in
early 2015, and he happened to notice an audio monitoring device in
the kitchen, which was taped to the counter behind some cooking and
coffee making devices, and near the stairwell the entrance to my
basement apartment. It was in a perfect position to record me whenever I entered or left my apartment. My guest ripped the wire out of the wall, told me where
he found it, and gave it to me. I threw it away in a trash receptacle
several blocks away from the apartment. My landlady was definitely
spying on me. But to suggest that she was spying solely on me, would be inaccurate, perhaps even delusionary. She was spying not only on me, but on anyone who entered that basement
kitchen area. This occurred at Apartment 12 of 2307 Northwest Hoyt
Street in Portland, Oregon, at the Anthony Apartments.
Have you ever suspected that someone might be tracking the books you check out at the library? So have I. They work at the Federal Bureau of Investigation.
http://ischool.syr.edu/the-usa-patriot-act-should-your-library-have-an-official-policy/#:~:text=Section%20215%20of%20the%20Patriot,agencies%20without%20a%20traditional%20warrant..
So the odds that nobody is spying on you, are frankly almost zero. If you ask me, it's the people who are confident that nobody is spying on them, who are really the crazy ones.
H.P.P.D. is probably the same thing as the "perma-tripping" effect which some former hard drug users have described. Patients of H.P.P.D. sometimes describe seeing dots move around on tables or pieces of paper, and thinking that they are ants or other small creatures. People with H.P.P.D. will often be unable to distinguish whether small objects are moving or not.
If you see things moving, and you know they're not moving, then being in that condition could easily increase the chances that you might think you saw something move behind a door (and jump to the conclusion that someone or something is spying on you or following you).
Why you think people are spying on you, could have any number of explanations.
Look
for evidence that you're being spied on, or plotted against – or
evidence supporting your theories that people are plotting to help
you – and write it down. Once you've collected that evidence, ask
yourself if it's enough, and convincing, and important enough, to
tell to a professional or a person you trust.
Then
move on to the next step.
Write your answers to these questions are your responses to Questions #20 and #21 in the questionnaire at the end (Step #17).
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Step 5. Managing Your Symptoms, and the Links Between Food and Sexual Dysfunction, Sleep Disorders, and Hallucinations
Managing Your Symptoms
Having
a safe, quiet place to collect your thoughts should help manage your
symptoms to some small degree.
People
who develop mental illnesses are often isolated, sometimes because
they talk about strange and/or negative things a lot. They are
neuro-atypical, and they feel very different from other people, which
in turn makes their illness and feelings of alienation worse.
If
you are experiencing auditory hallucinations (i.e.,
hearing voices or sounds that aren't really there), then it might be
because you are in silence now, or have been in silence too often
lately.
If being alone is difficult for you at this time (for example, if being alone in silence makes you hear more voices), then ask your most trusted friend to stand watch or guard over you, to make sure that you are safe; or else ask them to help you write down your thoughts.
If silence makes you hear more voices, then you may wish to play some ambient music, ambient sounds, or instrumental music. Music without words can help soothe you, without bombarding you with words that could have multiple meanings. Analyzing poetry would probably be too over-stimulating for you right now.
Determine what you can do to achieve a level of quietness and solitude that is appropriate for you to finish reading this article uninterrupted.
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Visual Hallucinations
As in the Tom Hanks movie Castaway, when we go too long without having human interaction, sometimes our minds make up imaginary friends for us to talk to and interact with. This happens because our minds needs a specific kind of stimulation, but they aren't getting that stimulation. In Castaway, Tom Hanks's character, stranded on a desert island, turned a volleyball into his friend and named it Wilson.
The auditory and visual hallucinations experienced in schizophrenia, are just like that imaginary friend. They are just like the “running man” that many of us imagined, running alongside our parents' cars at 65 miles per hour, when we were kids. The fact that we could vividly imagine it, made it seem real to us.
When we were young, we had keener imaginations. Our ability to “suspend disbelief” in our everyday childhood lives, was just as easy to turn off and on like a light switch, as it is for us now, as adults, when we begin to watch a movie that's a work of fiction.
We
make ourselves believe that we actually saw what we only imagined.
We
can wish we were seeing something, and then two seconds later start
convincing ourselves that we really did see it. Maybe you think it's
because your mind is tapped-in to some universal consciousness, or
that you have a spiritual connection or demigod-like nature which
allows you to see things in different ethereal planes. But what is
certain is that we sometimes do this to ourselves because believing
that we saw something that wasn't really there, makes us feel
special.
If
you have experienced a hallucination that you thought (or still
think) was real, then for one reason or another, then you may have
let yourself believe that you are the only one who is capable
of seeing those things.
Don't
beat yourself up, though. Having delusions of grandeur is nothing to
be ashamed of, as long as you don't use your believed superiority as
an excuse to mistreat others. And if you notice that you have been
experiencing delusions of grandeur, then catch yourself early. Say,
for example, you caught yourself trying to convince people that you
saw something in the spiritual world, and that this means you have
supernatural powers. If you discovered that you did something like
that, and suspect that you did it for selfish reasons, then recognize
that behavior, admit to yourself that you've done that, and change
the behavior as soon as possible. If necessary, apologize to anyone
you've hurt or lied to. This will help avoid damaging your own
reputation, losing your credibility, and losing friends.
Try
to remember clearly what you saw, and ask yourself whether you saw it
in your “mind's eye”, or in the eyes that are on your face. The
subconscious mind will sometimes show the conscious mind images which
are not really there. The mind does this because we are primarily
visual creatures, and visual cues are the best way to jog the
memories associated with those visuals, in a way that prompt the
actions that the subconscious mind wants the conscious mind to tell
the body to perform.
The "luc" in the word "hallucination" may refer to "light". Hallucination is related to the word "illusion". Hallucination derives from the Greek word "alussein", which means to be uneasy or distraught. The later Latin word "hallucinat" means to go astray in thought. "Hallucinate" may also carry with it the connotation of being deceived by what you see.]
To get a better sense about the difference between what you saw and what you only think you saw, ask yourself directly: "Did I actually see this happen with my eyes? Or did I just wish that I saw it, or think I saw it because I was afraid of it? Or did I dream it? Or was it actually a memory that was beginning to surface, rather than a hallucination?"
Sometimes certain smells, rooms, or environments remind us of painful memories, and for a moment (or longer), it's almost as if we have been transported to the place where the painful memory happened.
All of this is why it's important to distinguish real visuals from imagined visuals (i.e., visual hallucinations).
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Sleep Disorders
You
should also ask yourself whether you have been getting enough sleep
lately. You should be sleeping somewhere between 6 and 8 hours per
night. Studies have shown that the farther away from 7 hours per
night, which one sleeps – in either direction – the shorter they
tend to live.
http://jcsm.aasm.org/doi/10.5664/jcsm.4758
When we dream, the part of us that can easily distinguish fantasy from reality, is shut off. This occurs during heavy R.E.M. sleep (Rapid Eye Movement sleep), a stage of sleep which does not kick in until about four hours after you fall asleep. That's why depriving your body and mind of greater than a six to eight hour block of time can deprive you of the neurochemicals - and time fantasizing, and storing and processing your memories - which you need when you are asleep, in order to function normally when you are awake.
When you go without sleep for too long, the neurochemicals which your body would normally release when you are asleep, build up. And your body has to release those chemicals some time! So what does it do? It releases them while you are awake instead! This is why we hallucinate while we are awake. The chemical that keeps us awake is called norepinephrine, and the chemical that puts us to sleep is called acetylcholine.
http://www.newscientist.com/article/mg14619794-800-the-molecules-that-dreams-are-made-of/
If you are suffering from difficulty getting to sleep, this article might not be able to provide all the help you need. But if you are lacking sleep, it is important that you resume normal sleep patterns soon.
As
an overnight security guard, I am aware that I am missing out on
hours and hours of natural Vitamin D every day (from the sun), of
which I am getting only a pale imitation by taking Vitamin D
supplements. Getting enough sleep is one thing, but getting sleep at
the right time of day is important too.
If you work overnight, or are frequently awake at night for whatever reason, try to get sunlight anyway. The safest times to get sunlight are around sunrise and sunset, when you can absorb "orange light". If you have been sunlight-deprived for a long time, look at the sun for just a few seconds at a time - after sunrise or before sunset - out of the corner of your eye. Then close your eyes for a while and give them a rest. Then do it again for a while, until you can no longer comfortably absorb any more sunlight, or else the sun goes away or becomes too bright. This is called "sun-gazing".
http://www.wellnessoneofredding.com/blog/60878-nasa-confirms-sun-gazing-has-healing-properties
If you do this, then you will absorb Vitamin D naturally, while gradually reducing any oversensitivity to light which you may be experiencing. Reintroducing natural Vitamin D into your system should help ameliorate some of the psychotic symptoms you are experiencing; especially the abnormal sleep patterns.
If you are losing sleep, it's possible that you are doing so deliberately. Don't blame yourself, though; just read on.
Perhaps you are afraid to go to sleep, because you are having nightmares, or you are afraid that you will have nightmares, or you are simply afraid that someone will break in to where you live in the middle of the night and hurt you. If this is the case, you should write down the content of your nightmares, and any other negative thoughts you've been having; and you should make sure that your locks are working properly. Make a note to tell someone you trust about your specific concerns about being burglarized, or suffering whatever other fate you are worried about.
Once you have written down your nightmares and negative thoughts, they will be on a piece of paper, which means there's a chance that you might be able to start emptying those nightmares and negative thoughts out of your head, and keeping them on a piece of paper (where you can read about them clearly whenever you need to), instead of remaining inside of you where they can cause you mental and emotional anguish.
Your mind needs to process your memories and thoughts; while you are asleep, your mind does this through dreaming, and while you are awake, you can help this process along by keeping a dream journal and a journal about other important negative and positive thoughts and feelings.
If you are losing sleep because you are testing your boundaries, and seeing how little sleep you can survive on, then you need to stop doing that soon. It's fine to want to know what your body can handle, but depriving yourself of sleep (or other forms of rest, or exercise, or food and proper diet, or heat, or ventilation) for too long, can result in death or serious injury or harm. Collect any information you believe you need to collect, and move on to the next step.
Self-care is cool. Think about whether you are depriving yourself in order to draw attention to your suffering, or to be efficient or to live an ascetic lifestyle, or to learn about yourself, or why else you might be doing it. Write down that reason and remember to tell a professional or someone you trust when the time comes to do so.
Curing these conditions could help naturally restore any chemical imbalances in your brain, and put you on a path to less hallucinations, and to recovery.
It should also be noted that sleep apnea (which is characterized by experiencing long pauses between periods of breathing, while sleeping) results in oxygen deprivation.
If you don't get enough oxygen in your blood - specifically, if your oxygen saturation level drops below 90% - then you can suffer oxygen deprivation. Related terms include "intermittent hypoxia" and "sleep-disordered breathing".
It's possible that severe, prolonged, or repeated oxygen deprivation may result in changes to the hippocampus, and/or the pineal gland, which could result in what resemble psychotic, nightmarish, or altered states during R.E.M. sleep.
If you are being treated for sleep apnea, and you are experiencing hallucinations or delusions, then you should ask yourself and your doctor whether your inability to breathe properly at night, could be contributing to the strange thoughts (and, perhaps, nightmares) which you are experiencing.
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Don't eat your friends. Don't literally "eat your heart out". Stop ingesting any of your own bodily fluids which you may be ingesting (snot, breast milk, ejaculate, menstrual blood, placenta; anything besides your own saliva). You may wish to stop swallowing other people's ejaculate. If you are a nail biter, then stop biting your nails, and don't eat what's under your nails. Don't swallow any part of your own body.
If you have to eat meat, then don't kill an animal, unless you know how to do it, and you are either its owner or farmer, or you have permission from its owner, or live in the wilderness and need to kill the animal in order to survive. if necessary to kill an animal, don't draw attention to yourself by performing sacrificial rituals beforehand (unless this is normal for your religion or faith background, as in kosher and halal foods).
Don't be a cannibal. Eat plenty of green vegetables, and normal foods. You're already suffering from a mental illness; the last thing we want to do is create and spread some sort of "mad human disease". [Note: I'm referring to "mad cow disease"; also known as bovine spongiform encephalopathy.]
If you must bite your fingernails, then spit out what you bite off. Don't swallow it. Eat food, not yourself.
Now that that's out of the way, onto the heavy stuff.
If
you are avoiding eating, and/or have a problem with binging on food,
then it's possible that you associate guilt and shame with indulging
your desire to eat. If this describes you, it's likely that you are experiencing depression.
You may have a sugar addiction; many people do. Don't use sugar alternatives, as they often contain toxic chemicals. Use real sugar, but use turbinado sugar or other natural sugars instead of refined sugar, and aim to reduce intake because cold-turkey tends to fail. Drinking water instead of soda and coffee will also help reduce your overall intake of sugars (and also of acids).
Remember
that eating is nothing to be ashamed of, as it is a necessary bodily
process.
If you have experienced a noticeable loss of appetite, or a noticeable increase in appetite - or you have an especially low or high B.M.I. (Body Mass Index) - then you should consider the possibility that yo have an eating disorder, and you should be examined for eating disorders. If you have ever been involved in competitive eating, or associate shame with either finishing or not finishing a meal, then you may as well get checked out for an eating disorder.
If you have an eating disorder, on top
of experiencing schizophrenic (especially depersonalizing) symptoms, then you might want to ask yourself whether you are purposely gaining
weight. You might be doing this in order to be too unattractive to be sexually desired,
because you endured a sexual trauma that made you repulsed by sex and sexuality.
Men who hate feminists will often remark that it seems that lesbians, feminists, tomboys, and "butch" women, seem to "make themselves ugly on purpose" or "look like men on purpose", such as by refraining from shaving frequently, not wearing a brassiere, etc.. But most of those men neglect to ask themselves whether "butch" women "look like men" for reasons other than to attract women. Many "butch" women, feminists, and lesbians, dress the way they dress - and are the way they are - because they were raped and/or molested by men during their childhoods. There would be no reason for a teenage girl to wear make-up, or pay attention to her appearance - or even groom herself regularly - if the only reward for doing those things, is more unwanted attention from males.
This process is not always undergone consciously. If the reward mechanism for "looking good" carries "perverse incentives", then there is no meaningful reward for the girl to look good, or to even feel good or have any success or happiness in her life. When the girl's ability to look good is deemed more important than her ability to feel good and be happy, then makeup and good looks become a cover for sadness, and can lead to symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder, and to obsession with one's looks instead of neglecting one's appearance.
Both reactions can lead to a self-perpetuating, spiraling cycle of self-pity, depression, shame, guilt, and more conscious or unconscious neglect of (or obsession with) one's appearance. Eventually, the person will either begin self-harming, or they will commit suicide, or they will begin to show symptoms of mental illness. If the behavior was negligent and unconscious, then they may waste away until they realize that they are neglecting themselves, and see that they need to stop. If the behavior was obsessive, then they may stop, or break down, when they realize how strange - and different from the way they look without makeup - they are making themselves every day (or have made themselves through years of plastic surgery, or whatever the case may be).
If you are experiencing persistent sexual dysfunction, in addition to schizophrenic symptoms and/or loss of appetite, then it's possible that you suffered molestation (sexual abuse) or rape (sexual assault) when you were younger, and forgot about it due to the trauma or due to a later trauma.
It's also likely that you suffered some form of sexual abuse, or pedophile grooming, if you suffer from an obsession with, or neglect of, your appearance. All of these things relate to your sense of identity and your ability to identify with - and be secure in - the way you look.
Have you been suffering from a possible delusion that you were abducted by aliens, or that you were born into another family, in addition to schizophrenic delusions? You may have suffered from a sexual trauma, or a kidnapping, at a young age. If this describes you, and you are also suffering from "Imposter Syndrome" (Capgras delusion), then maybe you actually were born in another family, or kidnapped, or adopted without being told. What matters is that you find the evidence and figure out which is more likely, before jumping to conclusions, and doing something you regret, based on bad information.
Sexual abuse and child abuse will be discussed more below, in the sections about Dissociative Identity Disorder.
If
you are experiencing hallucinations that the Devil, or a demon, is
commanding you to starve yourself to death, don't
listen.
Make yourself some food, and say “I'm eating.” If you continue to
hear commands that you kill yourself – and thus condemn yourself to
Hell – by ceasing to eat, then tell the Devil “Can't sin if you
don't eat.”
If you stop eating, then you die, and you can't sin, and the Devil won't have as much dirt on you. Even the Devil himself would have to respect that.
Also, when there's food in your mouth, you tend to not speak as much. Even the Devil must be aware of this.
Two
or three meals a day keeps the demons away.
Also,
fasting can be useful for reducing the amount of toxins, and pus
arising due to the presence of animal products, in the system. But
you should not fast for too long.
Still, eating two meals a day instead of
three will help reduce your chances of indigestion, and make it
easier for you to breathe. It will also help reduce the amount of
weight you have to carry around, which in turn will reduce the stress
on your feet, and help improve your posture and the condition of your
spine. This will reduce the overall amount of physical pain you feel
on a daily basis.
The Millennials have a saying: If you are beginning to hate the people around you, then you need to eat. If you suspect that the people around you hate you, then you need to sleep.
Try to notice whether your hallucinations get worse when you are sleep-deprived and/or hungry. I suspect that you will find that that is the case.
Eat at least some greens every day, and get a wide enough variety of nutrients, and complete proteins (rice and beans, for example). Getting your diet under control, and eating on ordinary intervals, will help you reduce the level of physical stress you are experiencing, which in turn will help decrease your emotional stress.
If that is the case, finish reading this article whenever you are feeling emotionally strong enough to do so, as some of it may still prove helpful to you.
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Food and Sleep Disturbances and Homelessness
If you are suffering from a loss of sleep and sunlight, then the most important thing you can do is get on a normal sleep schedule, sleeping during the nighttime and being awake during the daytime. This is called diurnality; the opposite of nocturnality.
If you are suffering from schizophrenic symptoms while also experiencing homelessness, then you may be undergoing a cognitive decline which resulted from a combination of lack of quality sleep, and reduced intake of the nutrients necessary to keep your mind working properly.
The study below says that homeless people have a 15% lower intelligence quotient (I.Q.) on average. Although their lack of intelligence could be cited to explain why they do not have homes and jobs, the reduced intelligence could actually be a symptom of homelessness. The longer one remains homeless, the longer one stays in this cycle. You begin to become unable to solve your own problems without the help of another adult. Becoming homeless thus, effectively, reduces you to the level of a child, a dependent, or a serf.
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4310809/
As many people say, "Beggars can't be choosers". I know it may be unreasonable to ask a homeless person to obtain a certain type of food. But if you are somehow able to eat fish regularly, or get Omega-3 fatty acids some other way, then that could help increase your cognitive capacity. Increasing your intake of nuts - especially walnuts - could help too. Walnuts contain DHA, a type of Omega-3 fatty acid. It's possible that walnuts look like brains for a reason.
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Auditory Hallucinations
To those of you whom are suffering from auditory hallucinations, do not do what the voices are telling you to do. That is not to say “do the opposite”. Think for yourself, and ask other people if they are hearing the same voices or sounds.
If you have noticed that the voices or sounds only come at certain times or places, then try to record those sounds. Once you have collected that evidence, play the sound for someone you trust. Determine whether the sounds are real; both by thinking about it, and by asking others (again, doing “reality checks”). Write down some notes about the sounds, if that is what you think is necessary to make sense of what you are hearing.
If you still aren't sure whether you really saw or heard something, ask yourself this question: Did I see it and hear it too? If you saw it and heard it, there's a greater chance that it was really there, than if you had only seen it, or only heard it. Consider the possibility that you heard something, and were wrong about where the sound came from.
Also remember that just because a bird is tweeting, or a phone is ringing, or a siren is going off, those facts don't necessarily mean that those things are tweeting, ringing, and going off at you.
People who take drugs like LSD (lysergic acid diethylamide) have reported intense visual hallucinations; for example, the walls becoming colorful, and moving slightly, appearing to breathe, creating the sensation in the tripper that the walls are breathing at them. I once took psilocybin mushrooms, and I felt like God created the world, or maybe even the whole universe, just for me.
This “entheogenic” effect (meaning that it enables one to see or contact God) is an exhilarating feeling, and it makes one feel very important, and connected to God and to the universe. And wanting to experience this feeling is certainly one of the major reasons why people take psychedelic and hallucinogenic drugs.
But to believe that God created the universe especially for you, is a very narcissistic thing to think, if these thoughts continue after you stop tripping. Feeling connected to God and nature is great, but if you aren't connecting to other human beings – and tripping out of your mind keeps making that more and more difficult – then at some point you've got to decrease or cease your intake of hallucinogens. Yes, you are unique, special, and important, and maybe God dwells in each one of our hearts like the Bible says, and we can talk to Him. But if God made the world, then He made it in a way that other people have just as much a right to enjoy it as you do.
If you have taken, or are taking, psychedelic or hallucinogenic drugs, then learn what you can from those trips, and then decrease your use of them as soon as possible. You are reading this article because you do not want to spiral irretrievably into insanity, and into the endless hallucinations associated with “perma-tripping” (permanent tripping, which is more or less the same thing as Hallucinogen-Persisting Perception Disorder, H.P.P.D.).
If
you are experiencing intense auditory hallucinations, and/or are
sensitive to loud noises, the last thing you want to do is take
Adderall, other drugs prescribed for A.D.H.D. (attention deficit and hyperactivity disorder, formerly known as A.D.D.), or
other drugs which are made using "combinations of amphetamine salts".
http://www.psycom.net/adderall-amphetamine
You may find that these drugs - and other stimulants like 5-Hour Energy, which contains sucralose - increase your focus and attention. But be cautious, because they also
increase your heart rate. Any sounds that you hear become amplified,
because of how much you are able to focus on every sound around you.
You lose all ability to “tune-out” sounds which you would
normally just hear as background noise.
If
you are experiencing schizophrenic symptoms, then the last thing you
want is to be bombarded by sounds. If there is too much noise where
you are, go to somewhere quieter and more peaceful, where you can
think more clearly. The last thing you want is to let your mind
wander off, making guesses to try to explain to you who or what is
responsible for making the sounds that are coming from a location you
can't determine. You don't want to let yourself believe that you are
being crucified, just because you hear a hammer hitting a nail at the
next house over. If you hear a sound that you can't explain, then go find out what's making the sound.
This is why, if you are experiencing symptoms of schizophrenia, you should cease any and all use of amphetamines and other stimulants. This includes smoking "crystal meth", casual or prescribed use of Adderall and other drugs prescribed for A.D.H.D., and so-called "energy boosters' such as 5-Hour Energy.
If you are on meth or A.D.H.D. medications, and you're hallucinating, then you may be experiencing amphetamine-induced psychosis. According to the study linked below, amphetamines "may induce symptoms of psychosis very similar to those of acute schizophrenia psychosis".
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3554477/
If you are hallucinating, but you're sure that you do not have schizophrenia, then it's still possible that you are suffering from amphetamine-induced psychosis.
Before
leaving the topic of auditory hallucinations, I must also comment
that the decision – by the city of Portland, Oregon – to install
speakers in a city park in order to play fake
bird noises, is
definitely not
the best way to help the local homeless population regain their
sanity.
Any city parks department that does this, is just asking for local businesses to be mobbed with homeless people shouting "birds aren't real".
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Step 6. Collecting Evidence (Part 3: Food, Sleep, and Hallucinations)
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Step
7. Abuse, Mental Illnesses Besides Schizophrenia, and the Occult
Other Illnesses Besides Schizophrenia (incl. Depression and P.T.S.D.)
If you can remember trauma, abuse, and/or assault happening in your past, and are experiencing severe or persistent distress related to that event (or those events), then you almost certainly have P.T.S.D..
If you can't remember trauma, but are suffering severe distress, anxiety, fear, or panic attacks, then it's possible that you suffered a trauma which you forgot. If that's the case, then it's likely that your mind has found a way to distance your present-day conscious self from that memory, and/or to distance yourself from who you were when that happened to you. If this describes you, then you may be experiencing Dissociative Identity Disorder, either instead of schizophrenia, or in addition to it.
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Dissociative Identity Disorder
- depersonalization (including a blurred, lost, or fractured sense of identity, and/or a sense of numbness, or that you are smaller or larger than you actually are, or that you are not really human and are instead made of some substance, or other delusions about physical sensations);
- dissociative symptoms (such as social anxiety, depression, social isolation, loss of ability to distinguish emotions and match your face to your emotions, and feeling out of place in surroundings which should comfort you), and sometimes
- derealization (feeling disconnected from the world around you, or the loss of ability to cope with reality and/or the ability to perceive reality accurately).
People who suffer from D.I.D. may experience this “blurred” sense of identity, as a loss of the distinctions between themselves and others. For example, when a person finds that he is projecting himself onto someone else too much, or that his parent is being too controlling. So people who suffer from D.I.D. may experience a dissolution of boundaries.
But when this loss of identity, or blurred sense of identity, is experienced as a fracturing of one's identity, the patient experiences that, as if their mind - or personality - had been broken into multiple parts. That is why Dissociative Identity Disorder was formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder (M.P.D.).
Putting these parts (known as “alter egos”, or “alters) back together again – like Humpty Dumpty – must be the goal of psychological therapy. The single patient must view himself or herself as a cohesive whole; both in body, and in terms of their history of memories and experiences.
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Splitting
When we are abused – verbally, emotionally, physically, or sexually – our mind often shields us from having to face the trauma and stress associated with the situation. We may let ourselves believe that we deserve the abuse, and that what our abuser says about us is true. We may even let ourselves believe the abuser when they say “What I did to you wasn't that bad”, or “I didn't do anything to you.”
When this happens, it is as if one part of us, splits from the other.
For some abuse victims, each time we are abused, our abuser tricks or intimidates us into forgetting or ignoring the abuse, and this causes us to think “It wasn't me, who that happened to”, or “I was a different person then”, or even “I left my body when that happened, it was as if I was hovering over myself watching it happen.”
The last of these is a depersonalization or derealization reaction. Sometimes the abuser will even say “I was a different person then” when confronted with accusations of abuse, in order to deflect responsibility. This, too, is a sort of delusion.
For other victims of abuse, they experience this fracturing of identity, as if the abuser is intentionally splitting the patient in two; creating a happy personality and a sad, angry personality. The happy personality is happy because it can't remember, and/or has learned to cope with (or refrain from mentioning) the abuse. The sad, angry personality is sad because it can remember the abuse, takes it seriously, and does not forgive the abuser. The abuser often learns how to control the victim by triggering, taunting, inciting, and instigating, until the victim begins to express sadness and anger. The abuser will then, often, cite that anger as proof that the victim is insane, and that the victim is actually the one who is being unfair, rather than the abuser.
If
you were abused in any way, and you have experienced symptoms of
schizophrenia (such as hallucinations and delusions), then you should
consider the strong possibility that you are suffering from both
P.T.S.D. and D.I.D..
If
you can remember a past trauma, but it wasn't the result of
intentional abuse, and you're not experiencing delusions or
hallucinations, then you probably have P.T.S.D., but not D.I.D.. If
you're not experiencing symptoms of P.T.S.D., then it's possible that
you have Lewy body dementia (L.B.D.; also known as dementia with Lewy
bodies).
If you have experienced "splitting" of your
identity or personality, but are certain that you have no delusions
and can't remember any sexual abuse, then it's possible that you have
some sort of identity or body illusory disorder, such as body
dysmorphia, gender dysphoria (meaning depression related to one's gender identity), or Parkinson's disease dementia.
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Alter Egos
If
you suspect that you are suffering from D.I.D., based on the
information above, then write down the names of your alter egos, if
they have names. If they do not have names, or if you don't know
their names, then describe them.
If
you have been suffering from more of a delusion that you are actually
a real person from history who has been reincarnated, or that you are
the real-life incarnation of a fictional character, then write down
the name of the person or people whom you think you are. Then ask
yourself why you feel this way. List the things you have in common
with those historical figures or characters.
Are you increasingly viewing yourself as a projection of somebody else? If so, it's likely that you have an identity disorder. Or maybe you have an attachment disorder regarding that person, or they have an unhealthy attachment to them.
Make a list of your alter egos, and ask yourself "Are most of them fictional characters?" If that is the case, then figure out whether most of them are from films, television shows, or books, or the Bible, or what. Then ask yourself whether you may have Protagonist Syndrome.
Many works of art ask us to place ourselves, the reader, in the position of one of the characters. Usually it is the protagonist, but sometimes we may relate to some other character more than the protagonist. When we come to relate to a character too much, we may literally begin to "identify with" that character, or even "identify as" that character.
If many or most of your alter egos or personalities are fictional characters, then you should probably reduce your intake of media and art. Especially whichever story or stories spawned the characters with which you are identifying (or maybe even seeing around you). Also, reduce your intake of horror movies, mainstream media, anything that may be a propaganda film or report, news reporting outlets which you may feel are too negative for you to handle at the moment, and media and art which may contain mixed messages and/or meaning which is difficult to discern.
If you think you're someone else, and it doesn't make sense, don't worry; as there may be a reasonable explanation.
Have you been suffering from the delusion that you are a ghost? Maybe someone has been treating you like you are invisible.
Have you been suffering from the delusion that you are a dog? Maybe someone has been ordering you around in a snippy way, making you beg for everything you have, and expecting you to subsist basically on food scraps.
Have you been suffering from the delusion that you are Amelia Bedelia? Maybe you take things to literally. Or maybe someone in your life is being too literal with you, and seems like they expect you to take everything literally.
Do you think you're God? Maybe you are experiencing ordinary delusions of grandeur, or maybe people around you are expecting you to be perfect.
Do you think you're Jesus? Maybe people are expecting you to sacrifice your own needs, and forgive people, more than you're capable of doing.
Whatever the case, there may be a perfectly reasonable explanation as to why you
think you are somebody else! Ask yourself what commonalities you have with your "alters", or people or characters whom you suspect you may be. Use this information to help you figure out why you might be thinking that you are this person, in case you're actually not that person.
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The Occult, Spirituality, Religion, and Chaos Magick
Do
you suspect that you are God, or Jesus, or the Devil, or Buddha, or
some other figure from religion or spirituality? Maybe you have been
reading too much about spirituality and religion lately.
Or maybe you
haven't been reading enough, and need more reliable sources on
those matters. In general, you're probably thinking too much about,
or fixating on, religion, if you think you're God. Or maybe you
sarcastically think you're God, or the Devil, because people are
expecting too much out of you (like a god) or are unfairly treating
you like you're evil (like they would treat the Devil). People treating you like the Devil doesn't point to the sole possible conclusion that you must be the Devil; maybe other people just like to treat you like shit!
If you find that you are experiencing symptoms of schizophrenia and/or Dissociative Identity Disorder, while you also find yourself getting into occult topics, then you may wish to familiarize yourself with the subject of chaos magick.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chaos_magic
But pace yourself inn your study, because it may be difficult to understand, due to the fact that it is not a religion with a strict or exact dogma, and because it is a topic that is completely alien (and potentially alienating) to most working Americans.
Studying the occult to much could cause socializing and communicating even more difficult than they already are. So be careful.
The basic idea behind chaos magick is "do whatever helps"; it revolves around "success-based magick". For example, if it makes you feel better - or seems to make sense - for you to stand inside a cardboard box, face southwest, and sit down, then do it.
As my schizophrenic friend said, "Don't worry about what you say out loud to nobody in particular." This is innocent nonsense, or innocuous nonsense; what I call "innoncense".
Not a real world? So what! Now it is. I can make words up if I want to, and so can you.
Wanting to coin words doesn't necessarily mean you're insane; it may just mean that you belong to the school of linguistics which emphasizes descriptivism over proscriptivism. The descriptivist school holds that language is language not primarily because it has rules which prohibit certain efforts to communicate, but instead that language is language primarily because - and if, and as long as - the other person understands it.
Chaos magick has spiritual applications, as well as psychological and artistic applications. I say this because it may help for you to draw, paint, or write about your dreams, nightmares, visions, visual hallucinations, or creatures you are imagining, during this time.
If you find yourself fixating on randomness, chaos, and/or random numbers, then you may be experiencing a form of apophenia (schizophrenia in its early stage) because you are connecting numbers which may not necessarily have the relationships with each other which you suppose.
Drawing, painting, and writing about your thoughts and memories, may help you turn this difficult time in your life into something positive.
Does it make you feel better to draw your nightmares? Do it until it stops helping. Does it make you feel better to paint your pleasant dreams? Do it, but make sure you're writing about your nightmares as well.
Are you experiencing a fracturing of your identity, which is leading you to develop alter egos, or use other people's voices to communicate? If possible, make some recordings of yourself, doing impersonations of what you think these voices sound like. If this advice works, and you think these recordings might help a future therapist of yours, figure out what is going on with you, then save those recordings and find a therapist.
If doing voices helps your symptoms go away, and doesn't convince you that you are multiple people, then take some voice acting classes and try puppetry. Watch Mrs. Doubtfire. You might end up being a famous voice actor and/or puppeteer. You might not have been crazy at all, you might have just needed an outlet for your wild imagination.
If you are in a sensitive state, then it will be helpful to show these images to therapeutic and legal professionals, if it becomes necessary, later on, to show that you were in a disturbed state of mind. Don't show them until you're sure it will help, and you can trust the person you're showing them to, however. It may also help you to start a dream journal, and to write about any nightmares you are having (that is, if - and as soon as - you can emotionally handle writing about them).
[Note: I wrote a book about this topic; my 2017 collection of spiritual financial advice articles, Time Money Moon Value!, which can be read and purchased at the following link:
http://aquarianagrarian.blogspot.com/2018/11/links-to-all-articles-regarding.html
However, many parts of the book are intentionally cryptic, or require advanced knowledge of religious topics; as such, large portions of it may be completely incomprehensible to the average reader.]
Whatever nonsense words you may be using, keep them on the page. Refrain from using nonsensical words out loud, unless and until you first introduce that information with the proper artistic, spiritual, poetic, and/or psychiatric context in which you wish to present it.
And if you need to make animal noises, don't do it around people, don't do it at night (to avoid waking people up), and only do it when you're sure that you're alone (or after asking someone if they want to hear your animal impersonation).
Have you been trying to read words and letters upside-down? You might not be so crazy after all.
A lot of letters are still other letters when you rotate or reflect them. Lower-case b, d, p, and q - for example - are just the same letter reflected and rotated around. I had one of those Klutz books when I was a kid that talked about that.
If this topic fascinates you, then you may wish to start learning about the development of the alphabet. Or you may want to practice cryptography (creating codes) and/or study cryptology (the study of codes). Maybe you could develop a fictional language, either for use in magickal rituals, or for characters to speak in a novel you're writing (like the Elfin language in Lord of the Rings, and Dothraki and Valyrian in the A Song of Fire and Ice series, better known as Game of Thrones).
If you can't make sense of what you've been scrawling, then throw the papers away, or leave them to the side after organizing them neatly. If you can make sense of them, then consider whether they have enough spiritual, poetic, or artistic value, to be put to some use that could help you or others
Use every part of the buffalo.
Have you been drawing a lot of symbols? Do many of them have a spiritual meaning? Start learning about sigil magick.
Are your delusions and hallucinations making you laugh? Are demons telling you jokes? Write them down! If they barely make sense, then learn about common joke formats, and figure out how to make them into proper jokes. If they're funny, consider trying stand-up comedy!
If life has given you the lemons of insanity, then squeeze them into the lemonade of healing and creativity.
If you are getting into the occult, and suddenly find yourself obsessed with numbers and/or letters, then you may wish to familiarize yourself with the topics of numerology, Pythagorean numerology, and the Hebrew and Greek gematria. These are numerical letter-coding systems. The 1998 Darren Aronofsky film provides a good introduction to the topic of gematria and its relationship to Jewish mysticism. However, people in sensitive psychological states should be cautioned that the film is a psychological thriller, and contains numerous scenes which may be upsetting.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pi_(film)
Once you are familiar with the topic of gematria, you may wish to study Kabbalah and the Sefer Yetzirah (which means Scrolls of Creation, or Book of Formation); and read writing on the topic of Equidistant Letter Sequences, in Hebrew, the Bible.
Another thing to study, if you are interested in spirituality and also find yourself experiencing psychotic symptoms, is the work of Alan Watts. Watts was a British mystic who gave lectures on Zen Buddhism in the 1970s.
In his lecture "On Being God", Watts compares psychology and psychiatry to religion and spirituality. He also seems to explore the possibility that God is within each of us, presenting the belief that he is God, as a delusion, while assigning to the audience the role of a psychologist, who gets to ask God questions.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i8YOTvfpiso
But if you are getting into occult topics while experiencing psychic disturbances, then be careful not to study the dark arts (black magick). As actor and occultist Christopher Lee put it, you will lose both your mind and your soul, if you use magick to harm others.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vRVQD4FKPrY
"White magick" is the term used to describe magickal rituals or actions which do not involve the attempted invocation of evil spirits or deities, nor wishes of physical harm against human beings.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/White_magic
If you would like to know more about the occult, the first thing with which you should familiarize yourself, is the difference between the "left-hand path" and the "right-hand path".
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Left-hand_path_and_right-hand_path
You might be a magician! You might not. If not, then you could still be a great healer, or a therapist.
It's alright to feel that there shouldn't have to be physical proof, or evidence, for what you think and feel and suspect! After all, you're the only person who has access to your dreams, your nightmares, and memories of what happened when nobody else was around. Nobody should be able to cast doubt on those things, nor on how you are feeling.
Also, it's not certain that everything can be provable by scientific experimentation. Terence McKenna said not all experiments can be trusted to create and repeat the exactly similar conditions necessary to perform an experiment perfectly. Belief in the scientific method which resembles blind faith, is referred to as "scientism".
If it helps for you to believe that you are an angel, then I don't see how that's a problem. Just don't try to fly without an airplane or hang-glider, and don't use the belief that you're an angel, to justify strapping a jet-pack to your back so you can fly over cities murdering sinners by picking them up and dropping them from 500 feet above ground. Maybe that's what an angel would do, but if you think someone's a sinner, ask yourself if they're dangerous, and if they are, consider reporting them to the police.
If you think you're an angel - or some benevolent deity or character - and that belief has a neutral or positive impact on you and the people around you, then let yourself believe you're an angel for a while. When you determine that a thought like that is no longer helpful, or is probably a delusion, then discard it. Whenever you are ready, figure out what might be causing you think that you are that character or entity.
If you believe that you can read minds, and you want to do a reality check, ask yourself the following question. Can you even read your own mind? After all, you're reading this article because you can't tell reality from fantasy. If you need outside help to figure out what you yourself are thinking, then what are the odds that you know what other people are thinking, unless you ask them first? If you want to know what someone's thinking, ask them. But then, of course, they might be lying. Think about it. If there is evidence for your suspicions, you should be able to think of what it is, and write it down.
If you are worried that other people might be able to read your mind, then try to collect some evidence of that (without harming others, stealing or destroying their property, or invading their privacy or their home). If you're worried that other people are reading your mind, there are really only two things you can do about that. The first is to stop talking to yourself out loud in front of other people. The second is to learn to hold your tongue, learn when to stop talking, and be careful to whom you tell your secrets and possible delusions.
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Conclusion
If you don't feel like yourself, or are experiencing emotional and identity disturbances that make it difficult for you to communicate logically with others, there must be a reason for that.
If you believe, for example, that the name you were given is limiting or constricting, then there's no reason why you shouldn't talk about that.
Write down any thoughts and feelings of which you can make sense. You will not regret, later, having attempting to make a record of your mental condition, while you are in this sensitive state.
It's important to explore every possibility, and to ask yourself why you might be thinking and feeling the way you are feeling. Also, why you have the set of alter egos that you do, and why you think you are this or that demon or deity. It may sound crazy to others, and it may not even make sense to you later on. But it's important that you do this, in order to regain your sense of self and your sense of identity.
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Step 8. Collecting Evidence (Part 4: Abuse, Misc. Disorders, and Spiritual Topics)
Answer these questions in the questionnaire section (Step #17). The topics discussed in Step 7 pertain to Questions #31 through #44.
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Step 9. Planning the Post-Trigger Phase
Next, gather all of the information you have collected, about who you plan to go to with your secrets, and your reality checks. Determine who, among them, are the top 2 or 3 people you can talk to.
Keep their phone numbers and/or e-mail addresses handy. Find out which one of them is available right now, or will become available soon, and is willing to put aside some time to help you, in case you need to call them later.
Repressed memories result when something happens to you which is too painful or traumatic for your mind to process, and so it stores that memory away in your unconscious or subconscious mind. This process is referred to as "Adaptive Information Processing" (A.I.P.), because the mind adapts to the trauma by processing only certain parts of the information that resulted from the traumatic memory.
http://emdr-europe.org/about/the-aip-model/
If we constantly remembered all of the most painful and stressful things that have ever happened to us, every single day, then we would not be able to easily function in every day life, without a lot of stress and mental anguish. So, in order to put the past behind us, and cope, the mind saves some of the memories, putting some memories in the conscious mind, while storing-away the traumatic parts in the subconscious. This is part of human beings' evolutionary development; which was developed over many thousands of years of suffering through head injuries due to earthquakes knocking bricks out of the ceiling, and other similar traumas.
If an abuser learns to control you and "push your buttons", they may learn to make an angry or sad "version of you" (that is, or alter ego, or personality) come out. These alter egos usually prefer to stay hidden, where they are safe from having to come to the surface (i.e., the conscious mind) where they would have to interact with reality and possibly face painful memories.
But before triggering yourself, you must first make yourself emotionally strong enough to trigger yourself. You must make sure that you will be prepared to recover from this attempt to retrieve memories, in case you remember something traumatic, and you need someone or something to comfort you afterwards.
Since you are about to list your triggers, you should first refer to the list of people and things that comfort you, which I asked you to collect in Step 2. These are your answers to Questions #14 and 15.
Again, these may include people you trust and know you can confide in, pets and animals, comfortable rooms or buildings or other surroundings, your favorite foods and drinks, your favorite smells or types of incense, a hot bath or shower, resting, getting a massage, or playing an instrument. It might include punching a punching bag, or squeezing a stress ball. It could even include smoking, drinking alcohol, or masturbating (as long as you do not do those things in excess).
If you drink alcohol, think of this as sort of a "chaser" to take after unpleasant-tasting alcohol. If you don't drink alcohol, think of the song "A Spoonful of Sugar Makes the Medicine Go Down".
Do not cut your hair or shave your head after triggering yourself. You might end up regretting it.
If you want to cut your hair, wait until after you've finished this article and the questionnaire at the end, and wait until you are sure about how you want to look and until you can hire a professional.
Don't let yourself become Britney Spears at her lowest point. Even if you feel that you need to shave your head as a "cry for help", resist that urge. Instead, figure out what you really want to cry, and what kind of help you need, and write those things down.
Leave your appearance alone for now, and just get the information down. The sooner you do this, the faster you will recover.
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If you are in an especially bad schizoaffective state, it's possible that a large percentage of these phrases will not make sense. That's OK. After you make one list, take a break - drink some water, lay down, and then pet a dog, or call your friend or your mom or whatever - and come back to the list again, whenever you are ready. Cross out every phrase that has no obvious meaning to you, or that you would sound insane trying to make sense out of in front of another person.
Come away from this exercise with a small list of things that trigger you, whether or not you understand yet why these things are triggering.
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The next step is to figure out why the phrases you are left with, are triggering you. This step essentially involves triggering yourself on purpose, by presenting yourself with your triggering phrases, in a way that you have to deal with and cannot ignore.
This will be one the most difficult and potentially traumatic steps, because of the painful nature of the memories you will be asked to confront. If it helps to get through it quickly, do this quickly. If it helps to pace yourself and breathe, then do that.
[Note: If you are already overwhelmed by stressful and unpleasant memories, and that is what is causing your symptoms, then you do not need to trigger yourself any more than you already have been. Whenever you can gather the strength to do so, write down quickly whatever form of abuse you suffered, what year it happened, and who did it. Then de-stress, and skip ahead to Step #12. If you determine that you need to recover more memories at a future date, read the rest of Step #11.]
As for me, I discovered this technique by accident, while I was frantically scrawling a list of phrases, trying to find any word that would help me make sense of anything. So I wrote down about a hundred phrases, and when I looked at it again, the only thing that made sense was "penny loafers". I thought about this until I realized why it was triggering.
I had to wear penny loafer shoes during elementary school, when we had to sing songs at school in front of our parents. I began to remember the way my parents fussed over, and paid so much attention to, what I was wearing, which I had not thought about in years. I remember complaining to my parents that my collar, and my penny loafers, were too tight, and uncomfortable. The more I thought about my parents' attention to my clothing, the more I began to remember my father's inordinate attention to my appearance, and the creepy way he called me "cute".
Shortly thereafter - in early 2015 - I recovered a memory of my father calling me cute, and then caressing the back of my head. I don't remember what happened next, and the fact that I still have that gap in my memory made me suspect that I was molested. In 2017, I recovered memories of my father touching my penis while subjecting me to overwhelming tickling and poking all over my body, which occurred on the gray couch in our basement.
A little more than two years after I made that list of triggering phrases, and mysteriously came up with "penny loafers", I figured out that I had been molested as a child.
This fact continues to shock and horrify me, and it is on my mind every day. But if twenty-five years of my life were a lie, I would rather know that fact too late, than never find out. The costs of continuing to base my life on a lie - the lie that my father didn't treat me badly - cannot be paid through denial. They can only be paid through my attention to detail regarding my reporting about what he did to me.
I am not saying that coming up with a list of triggers is fool-proof, nor am I guaranteeing that it will work for you. All I am saying is that it worked for me.
I'm not aware of any other technique for recovering lost or suppressed memories, so you might as well give this one a shot. Just make sure that you have a chaperone, if you need one (just as you would make sure you have a "trip-sitter" in case you go nuts while using a psychedelic or hallucinogenic substance).
Once you have written down - or had a friend help you write down - your list of most important trigger words, and why you think they are triggers for you - engage in whatever forms of relaxation, comfort, or consolation you may have planned.
If, after completing Step #11, you are not stressed out or panicking, then you are ready to proceed to the next step.
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Step 12: Collecting Evidence (Part 5: Abuse and Triggers)
[Note: This "collecting evidence" phase also functions as the "post-trigger" phrase.]
If you are still experiencing symptoms of panic attacks or severe stress, after the previous step, then consider taking a nap, or even getting between four and eight hours of sleep.
Sleeping - and dreaming - will probably help you process the thoughts and memories you just went through.
You might have nightmares when you go to sleep, though, but don't worry about that until you wake up. Maybe getting that information on paper could cause you to have pleasant dreams instead. There's no use worrying about it; your mind and body need sleep either way.
What's important now, is that you get enough rest, relaxation, comfort, and peace and quiet, until you are emotionally prepared to handle thinking about, and reading about, these stressful topic again.
If you were unable to recover any trigger words or suppressed memories during Step #11, and you still think you need to recover memories, then keep making lists of trigger words, and write down whatever is on your mind that you suspect might be a memory of your past, and try again.
Lack of ability to remember certain times in your childhood could be an indication that you suffered some sort of abuse, and then forgot about it. New traumas - especially brain traumas - can make it easy to lose the memories of past abuse, or to become distracted from past traumas by having to focus on and deal with newer traumas.
Try to identify time periods of time during your childhood which you have a difficult time remembering. If you can, figure out which years you have the most difficulty remembering. If possible, write down the last thing you remember before the gap in memories begins, and the first thing you remember after that gap. Then, if it isn't too difficult, estimate what dates those events occurred on. Give a rough estimate if necessary.
This will help you identify exactly what span of time you need to focus on, if there's any chance that you may be able to recover lost suppressed memories.
If possible, find toys that you had from that time period. Find anything that reminds you of that time period, or your state of mind during that time.
Read things you wrote as a child, and look at things you drew. Smell is the strongest sense tied to memory. Find something that helps you remember what your house smelled like when you were younger. It's possible that, if you were abused, remembering the smell of that room (or something in it) could help you jog the memory of what it was like to be there, and help you remember other things that happened in that room.
As for me, I was molested in my basement, and remembering the smell of Nintendo video game cartridges that I used to play on the TV in that basement, helped me remember the smell of that room, which made it easier to remember the abuse I suffered.
If asking you to jog your memory of a room is not helpful or doesn't apply, then think of whatever factors and conditions you can, which may help you to remember what state of mind you were in, when you were the age range from which you are trying to recover memories.
If you were unable to recover any trigger words or suppressed memories, and you don't think you are going to, then it's likely that your schizophrenic symptoms are unrelated to past traumatic incidents or to Dissociative Identity Disorder. You should try to determine whether you are suffering from paranoid schizophrenia or persecutory delusions (i.e., delusions that you are being persecuted).
There may be no cause to worry, anyway, even if you may be suffering from paranoid schizophrenia. The American people have been told a lot of lies - by their government, by organized capital, etc. - so it's hard to tell whether paranoid schizophrenia and persecutory delusions are overdiagnosed.
If you know you weren't abused as a child, or attacked - and you know you don't have P.T.S.D. or D.I.D. - then why are you suffering from hallucinations and delusions? Maybe it can be explained by problems with your brain chemistry.
But maybe you are having trouble distinguishing reality from fiction because you are surrounded by people who can't stop lying to you. Not that it's always their fault; they might not even know that they're lying, they might just be repeating propaganda and unfounded assumptions. And who's to say that that's not a form of delusion?
As Terence McKenna said, a culture is just a collectivized consensus about what sorts of neurotic behaviors are acceptable.
Who's to say that society's delusions are superior to your own? Who's to say that we are not expected to (at least partially) base our life on lies, in order to cooperate with businesses and government and other citizens, on a daily basis?
Think about all of this, and then answer Questions #45 through #51 in the questionnaire at the end (Step #17).
Also, while reading this article, feel free to expand your answer to Question #50, whenever you come up with more things that help you recover memories (or which have helped in the past, or which you suspect might help you recover memories in the future, that you want to use the next time you attempt to recover memories).
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Step
13: Reconstructing
the Gestalt
The fractured personality must be put back together into a cohesive whole, so that the patient can remember as much of his life, from birth to the present, as possible, as clearly as possible. If repressed memories can be recovered, this will allow the patient to regain control over his life, now understanding the arc of his life. It would be difficult to make progress in our lives, if large chunks of our memory were simply missing. We would have no idea to know what we needed to recover from.
If the patient's sense of identity is blurred, rather than fractured, then the patient either must learn to stop projecting onto others, and interfering in others' affairs. If that is not the problem, then the patient must learn to assert his own boundaries, to prevent others from controlling him.
If the patient feels so strongly that someone inside them wants to speak and has a name, then those facts should be noted. If it becomes clear that one of the alter egos developed when a person was traumatized as a child, then that should be noted.
It's important to determine whether a person's delusions - and alter egos - can be explained logically. Dismissing them outright, only avoids confronting them. Failure to confront delusionary thoughts might cause the delusion to become embedded, since the patient would not be confronted with anything that proves their delusion false.
This should include both the major positive memories, and whatever traumatic or extremely stressful incidents or times in your life which have contributed to your nightmares, depression, or whatever persistent negative feelings you have experienced.
Being able to read about your own life, and read your own notes about your own mental condition, will hopefully help you start putting your life back together, and regaining control over your mind and your life.
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Step 14: Collecting Evidence (Part 6: Reconstructing the Gestalt and Stating the Obvious)
A note regarding brain tumors and psychosis:
If you are experiencing persistent and/or severe headaches, in addition to schizophrenic or other psychotic symptoms, then you might want to consider getting scanned for a brain tumor. It could be a tumor on or near the pineal gland or the cerebellum.
Brain tumors - such as pineal gland tumors and medulloblastomas - can cause psychosis. It's possible that oxygen deprivation or brain tumors could be the cause of the hallucinations or delusions you've been having. You can read the articles linked below to learn more about that topic.
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4582304/
http://www.hindawi.com/journals/np/2017/6986983/
You may also wish to be tested for abnormal brain growth, or abnormal growth of certain parts of the brain, in order to see whether any damage can be detected, which would indicate a past head trauma, or damage which you may have sustained but cannot currently remember.
But if you are experiencing headaches, and feel confident that you were abused, then don't readily submit to any painful or humiliating procedure, in case professionals are telling you that you have a brain tumor in order to lead you to believe that that ailment is the sole cause of the disturbing thoughts you're having (some of which might be memories of abuse that are trying to resurface).
Please answer Questions #52 through #54 in the questionnaire.
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Step
15: Deciding
Who to Talk To, and Presenting the Evidence
It could be because you were abused, meaning that there is someone who's out to get you (or at least lied to you about your past).
But if you were definitely traumatized, and you are also definitely schizophrenic, then it's possible that you suffered from a trauma that resulted from something that was accidental or unintended (i.e., something which did not result from someone intentionally harming you).
If this describes you, then you might associate some person, place, or circumstance with trauma, in a way that is causing you to think that that person is "out to get you", or causing that condition to be a trigger for you.
The questionnaire at the end of this article is there to function as both a record of your mental health, and also (if applicable to you) a criminal police report, when needed.
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Step 16: Following Up: Collecting Evidence (Part 7: Actionability and Misc. Questions)
Read through this section, and then answer Questions #42 through #50 in the questionnaire at the end.
Congratulations! You should be proud of yourself. You clearly want to get better. Given that you have almost finished this article, your attention span has probably improved since you picked it up. The ability to read and focus, without daydreaming or becoming distracted, is the sign of a healthy mind.
Thanks for bearing with me. Hopefully, by now, you have more control over the boundary between your conscious mind and your subconscious, and you are feeling better informed about what happened to you and why you have had the confusing thoughts you have been having.
If any of the following questions are too upsetting or "triggering" for you answer now, then skip it. Answer it again later, the next time you review your answers, or whenever you are ready and have calmed yourself down enough to do so.
Skip any question which doesn't seem to pertain to you. Skip any question which you would feel it would be irrelevant, impossible, or futile to attempt to answer.
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Step 17: The Questionnaire
[This section will be added at a later date.]
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Post-Script, Pt. 1: How to Recover from Sleep Paralysis
If you are suffering from loss of sleep or nightmares, the contents of this article may have helped you already.
But if you have experienced sleepwalking problems, that is outside the scope of this article. A psychiatrist would have advice about that; I do not have any. Please consult a psychiatrist if this describes you.
If you are experiencing difficulty distinguishing wakefulness from sleep (that is, telling the difference between when you're awake and when you're asleep), then you may be experiencing one or both of the following phenomena: 1) lucid dreaming; and/or 2) sleep paralysis.
Lucid dreaming
Lucid dreaming and "waking dreams" describe dreams in which the dreamer knows that he or she is asleep and only dreaming. Numerous articles and books - and the film Waking Life - have been made, concerning the phenomenon of lucid dreaming, and how to notice that you are dreaming.
Supposedly, you can train yourself to recognize cues in dreaming, so that you notice you are dreaming.
Such "cues" can include the following:
- Try to count your fingers, and notice whether you can give yourself extra fingers just by thinking about it;
- See whether the time on the clock changes randomly or at your will;
- Try to notice whether you have more difficulty than normal remembering numbers;
- Ask yourself if the things you're thinking, and seeing in your mind's eye, are changing much more rapidly than they normally do;
If you are able to notice you're dreaming without accidentally waking up, then you might be able to consciously warp what's in the dream, and make the dream conform to your fantasies. Basically, you become able to control your dream.
Other things you can do, to stimulate semi-dreaming states, include the following:
- Start keeping a dream journal.
- Read books and articles about common dreams and the psychological analysis of dreams.
- When you feel up for a nap, set alarms for every ten or fifteen minutes, over the next hour. Then set your dream journal next to you, and go to sleep with the lights on. Waking up into full wakefulness and full light, every 10 to 15 minutes for an hour, should eventually produce at least one dream that you can either remember well enough to write down, or else recognize that you're dreaming.
That should suffice, as far as advice about how to engage in lucid dreaming, goes. Now, onto sleep paralysis.
Sleep paralysis
Sleep paralysis is a phenomenon in which a person finds himself fully awake, lying in bed, but unable to move. Essentially, the mind is awake, but the body is asleep; and the body has only partially woken up.
Causes of sleep paralysis are reputed to include lack of sleep, sleep deprivation, a changing sleep schedule, and/or sleeping on one's back. Stress, narcolepsy and other sleeping disorders, and certain medications, may also cause or worsen sleep paralysis.
If you are experiencing sleep paralysis, it is important that you get enough sleep, and start sleeping on a regular schedule, as soon as possible. It's possible that your body has suffered so much deprivation of sleep, and irregularities in your sleep schedule, that your body has stopped being able to fully wake itself up.
If this describes you, and you are taking medications, ask yourself whether you have suffered any irregularities in your sleep schedule, and whether any of your medications may cause sleep-related side effects. Also, ask yourself whether you should start sleeping in a different position, such as on your side(s); or on your stomach (although that could be bad for your back).
If you ever find yourself alert in bed, unable to move, do not panic.
There are two ways out of this: 1) you can stay awake and get your body working; or 2) you can fall asleep and hope that you will be able to move when you wake up.
If there's somebody in the room with you, and you're about to be attacked, then, of course, do not go to sleep, unless you're sure you will wake up a few seconds late. For example, if the other person is being noisy and is likely to wake you up, then feel free to fall asleep, because you might be able to wake up and defend yourself. But if the other person is silent, then you may have no choice other than to get your body working.
If there is nobody in the room, then it should be pretty easy - with your body already immobilized, and with the silence and the lack of people in the room - for you to will yourself back to sleep. Just tell yourself, "I'm going to sleep now". You should be able to wake up, able to move your body. But I can't tell you how much time it will take for you to wake up.
If you absolutely have to stay awake, while experiencing sleep paralysis, don't worry, because there is a way to do it. I did it once, while sleeping on a couch in my father's living room, in 2017.
There's a scene in the movie Kill Bill [Note: spoilers follow] in which Uma Thurman's character Beatrix Kiddo finds herself partially paralyzed at a hospital, after being in a coma for years, after giving birth to Bill's daughter.
In order to free herself, she remembers a previous time, when she was beaten up, put into a wooden casket, and buried underground, and had to punch her way free. In order to free herself from that, she remembered her martial arts training, which involved breaking pieces of wood.
The way she got free from her partial paralysis in the hospital, was to wiggle her big toe.
I used the "wiggle your big toe" advice, from the movie Kill Bill, to get my body moving, in order to awake from a state of sleep paralysis.
Wiggle your big toe, or do whatever you can to move any part of your body. You should have at least some control. Think about it: when you're experiencing sleep paralysis, you can at least move your eyes, because your eyes are open.
Blink your eyes. Get as much control over your eyes as you can. Then see if you're able to move your neck. Try to move your neck, while sensing whether you can feel your toes or your fingers. Try moving your neck, and/or flexing your fingers and toes, to find out how much control you have.
If you are able to bring your hands together, it should be possible for you to massage one hand with the other. The more you massage one hand, the more blood will circulate in that hand, restoring sensitivity, and (hopefully) mobility, to that hand.
Once you've massaged one hand, massage the other. Rub your eyes and your face; this should help you see better, and keep your eyes open.
Once both of your hands move, massage your forearms. Massage whichever parts of your body you can currently reach. Rub your arms up and down, to restore feeling to them. Rock back and forth while touching your own arms. Move as much of your upper body as you can, and keep moving your neck and head.
Hopefully by now, you should be able to see almost straight, keep your eyes open most of the time, and move at least half of your upper body. Try to start doing sit-ups. Keep moving your arms around.
See if you can massage your legs. Do so as soon as you are able. If you can reach your feet, then massage your feet and legs; especially the joints in your calves and your toes. Also, on and around your knees, and reduce the tension in your thigh muscles.
By now, you should be able to move most or all of your body. Bounce up and down a little - to continue moving - and then try to catch your breath. Once you're sure that you won't be dizzy when you stand up, stand up and see if you can walk. Grab onto something if necessary. If you can't walk well yet, then massage your legs and/or feet some more, and try again.
I know it can be very scary to experience sleep paralysis; especially if you are experiencing nightmares along with it.
That is why I want to caution the reader that you should only attempt these steps if: 1) you think it will work; 2) there is nobody and nothing dangerous in the room with you; and 3) you are physically fit enough to know that you will be able to reach your legs and feet.
If you are obese or disabled, the later parts of this advice may not work.
It is worthwhile to note the possibility that, if a person succeeds in waking himself up from a state of sleep paralysis, then he might actually be continuing to dream after that point (at least until the next time he goes to sleep).
If that's what's happening, then I wish anyone who attempts to awaken from sleep paralysis, good luck. I wish you luck in liberating yourself from the icy grip of the Sleep Demon! Be sure to bring some of the ideas from the dream world into the "real world", so we can improve it, and turn our dreams into reality.
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Post-Script, Pt. 2: How to Induce and Simulate Symptoms of Schizophrenia (If Necessary)
But the first ten pieces of advice above, may be helpful, for those who wish to experience first-hand what the feeling of having schizophrenia is like, without using any medications or drugs to achieve that state of mind.
Sometimes a short, simple reality-check, can do a lot of good. The sooner you get your son to stop thinking he's a duck, the sooner you might be able to recognize severe depression, abuse, a traumatic past injury, or even a brain tumor.
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Written
on February 24th, 25th, and 26th,
2021
First published incomplete on February 26th, 2021
under the title "Tips on Recovering from Schizophrenia,
Persecutory Delusion, and Sleep Paralysis"
Edited and Expanded on February 27th and 28th,
and March 3rd, 5th, and 7th through 9th, 2021
Title Changed Twice, Most Recently on February 28th, 2021
