Some time in late June or early July of
2023, I recovered memories of my mother telling me (at age seven or eight) that I’d had a dream about getting a bird's egg stuck in my ear. I believe that some or all of what she said about this dream was made-up, in
order to cover-up for the abuse I experienced, and in order to distract me from the abuse, and gaslight me into thinking that my father had not abused me.
This memory seems to originate from
somewhere around the age of seven (i.e., in 1994) or age eight (1995).
I say "seems to" because it's difficult to pinpoint when, exactly, this happened. That's because (as I have explained in my previous writing about the abuse and memory loss I suffered) I noticed, around the age of twenty-five, that my memories prior to age ten were incomplete. I didn't suspect that I'd been abused until years after that, though, because my girlfriend at the time told me that it's normal not to remember some of your childhood. I subsequently realized that it is very normal to not remember large blocks of your childhood because you were sexually abused. Adaptive Information Processing (A.I.P.) is the term applied to the process by which we forget or ignore traumatic memories for the sake of improving our chances at survival.
I
have previously stated that the majority of the incidents of abuse occurred in
mid-1995, mid-1996, or both summers.
This leads me to suspect that it’s
possible that the abuse began at age seven instead of age eight; I’m not sure.
It’s hard to say, due to the memory loss I suffered around that time (caused by
the initial sexual abuse, partial suffocation during that abuse, and subsequent
gaslighting and brainwashing by my father). Also, I have previously stated that
the abuse could have began at age five, when I drew a picture of a hamster covered
in holes (referred to as “Incident #1” in my first report to police, and
referred to as “Incident #3” in my second report to police, after I recovered
additional memories). So it’s entirely possible that I was abused between the
ages of five and eight, in addition to the majority of the incidents, which
occurred at age eight and nine.
Regarding the supposed dream itself: I seem to
remember myself, sitting at our kitchen table, eating something, most likely
cereal. This could only have happened at our house at 524 East Washington
Avenue in Lake Bluff, Illinois, because we moved into that house in summer
1992, when I was five years old, and did not move again until 2005 or 2006.
I remember my mother – sitting across from
me, at the other end of the kitchen table – telling me about a dream that I’d
had. I remember asking her - maybe that day, or maybe the next day, or a while
afterwards – something like, “What else did I dream?”, or possibly, “Did I have
a dream last night?”. To repeat: I remember - at some point during the
conversation about the dream, or else shortly thereafter – that I was relying
on my mother to tell me what happened in my own dream.
This should give an indication as to how much I trusted her at the time.
I have had this memory for a very long
time. I probably didn’t think about it – or didn’t think about it often –
between the years of 2000 and 2015 (the period of time during which I had no
memories of the abuse). But the memory of my mother screaming “It’s in his
ear!” has popped-up in my memories, every now and then, for years. I’m not sure
when I began remembering this, or whether I ever lost the memory in the first
place. All the times that I recalled remembering this possible dream, up to a
month ago, all I could remember were those words that my mother screamed, and
the notion that I’d supposedly dreamed about a bird egg being stuck in my ear.
Until a month ago, I have remembered the
words “It’s in his ear” as some of the last words uttered in a dream I’d had,
about getting a bird’s egg stuck in my ear. The exact words I believe myself to
have “heard” in that possible dream, were “It’s in his ear! It’s in his ear!
HIS EAR!!!” The last sentence, of those three, seems less likely to have
been part of that possible dream, than the first two sentences. Until a month
ago, I believed that the first two utterances of “It’s in his ear” were from
the dream, and that “his ear” was something that either: 1) I “heard” while
waking up from that dream; or else 2) my subconscious mind added to the
memories of the dream, while I was awake, some time after the dream occurred.
To be perfectly clear: I’m not sure
whether these memories are due to an actual dream I had, or whether the entire
dream was made-up by my mother. It’s possible that I did have a dream, but that
my mother either: 1) added details to the dream that weren’t there; or else 2)
substituted a dream she made-up, for whatever I was telling her that I’d
dreamed about.
My memories of either the dream - or what
my mother told me about the dream - are that I was playing on the edge
of our yard, in the dirt, and somehow got a bird’s egg stuck in my ear.
There is nothing in my medical records
about doctors having to remove a bird’s egg from my ear. And I have no concrete
memories which would indicate that such a thing ever actually happened.
This could only mean that either: 1) I
dreamed it; or 2) I dreamed something else, and my mother substituted her own
narrative for some or all of what I told her I dreamed about.
Given the incomplete nature of this
possible dream, and these memories – and given the memories of molestation and
anal rape which have resurfaced in my mind since 2015 – all of this causes me
to suspect that at least some these memories may have originated from something
that my father did to me.
To me, the most likely explanation, seems
to be that my father may have ejaculated onto my face, and into my ear. If he
did, then my mother would have been the only person around who would have had
the ability and the incentive to clean me up after the abuse. It’s entirely
possible that my father ejaculated into my ear, causing my mother to scream
“It’s in his ear” when noticing the semen, and prompting her to clean it out. I
suppose it’s possible that my father put something else in my ear, like spit or
feces, but that seems unlikely.
I seem to remember my mother having been
very insistent, during that conversation at the kitchen table, that I’d dreamed
what I was talking about. Or else she was insistent that her recollection of
events was superior to my own. Possibly both.
I also seem to remember my mother telling
me that she knew what I was dreaming about, because she heard me talking in my
sleep. I don’t know if that’s true, because I’m not aware of any existing proof
that I talked in my sleep as a child. I do know that I occasionally talk in my
sleep as an adult, so it’s possible that I did this as a child as well. But
even if I was talking in my sleep about a bird egg stuck in my ear, that
doesn’t come anywhere close to fully explaining the memories I have. I say that
because I have no memories of what I was saying during that supposed dream; I
only remember my mother screaming those eight words (or possibly ten words).
I know that what I have said above, mostly
consists of incomplete memories and speculation about said memories, and that
this does not constitute direct proof that I was abused, nor proof that my
mother made up a dream I had. But the fact that I have so much to say about
this possible dream, leads me to conclude that this is something that needs to
be talked about, in the context of what I remember related to the abuse.
I believe that my mother intentionally
implanted false memories about dreams that she couldn't possibly know that
I was having. Unless, of course, I talked in my sleep. But I repeat: 1) That
does not explain all the questions I have relating to the supposed dream; and
2) I have no memory of what I was saying during that dream, only of what
my mother was saying. All of the verbal information that I have about
that possible dream, comes from my mother, and not from myself. To me, this
strongly suggests that my mother made up most of the dream, or perhaps even the
entire thing.
Another thing I should mention, which
seems relevant to bring up here, is the incident which I numbered “Incident #4”
in my second report to police. It is relevant to mention here because this incident and the dream about the bird egg both relate to my first experiences with ejaculation.
That incident was not mentioned in my first
report, because I did not then (and still do not) have any concrete memories,
attached to that incident, which would suggest that I definitely endured sexual
abuse during that incident. But that does not mean that sexual abuse couldn’t
have happened during that incident; I do not know because my memories of the
incident are incomplete.
In my second report to police, I stated
the following:
"#4. There is a 70% chance that the reason
why I thought I remembered (at the age of five or six) the character Elmer Fudd
performing a sexual act upon the Babs Bunny character from Tiny Toons, is
because my father may have done something to me while watching Tiny Toons that
exposed me to sex, or at least to what ejaculate (or to what “cum” / “come”)
is.
"I'm pretty confident that I saw Elmer Fudd
sticking his shotgun into Babs Bunny's guts, and her screaming, on television.
I know that I had sexual thoughts about this afterwards, which involved white
cream and Babs Bunny's crotch. But I do not know how I – at the age of five or
six – could have known that white cream had anything to do with sex or orgasm,
as I did not ejaculate any fluid until I was at least 12 or 13 years old. That
is why I suspect that my father may have somehow exposed me to sex - or
something related to ejaculation - while I was watching Tiny Toons. This
incident occurred at 524 East Washington Avenue.
"I have remembered this since it happened,
but this is the first time I have discussed it in statements to the
authorities, because I have only recently begun to suspect that my father, or
the possibility of something sexual happening to me, might have had anything to
do with why I knew that white cream was the result of sex at just six years
old."
I do not mean to retract, nor revise,
anything about the three paragraphs above; I only mean to add details and context to those
memories.
It’s possible that my father either: 1)
exposed me to sex while I was watching “Tiny Toons” (the actual name of the
show is Tiny Toon Adventures); or else 2) exposed me to sex afterwards, while
humiliating me for thinking that Babs Bunny (the cartoon rabbit character,
which wore a dress and had big eyes and long eyelashes) was pretty.
I also remember having Buster Bunny and
Babs Bunny stuffed animals some time around that age (five years to eight years
old). I suppose it’s possible that I had some sort of sexual attachment to the
Babs Bunny doll, although I cannot remember such a thing; but if I did, then it
would be totally reasonable for me to suspect that my father subjected me to
some form of shame or humiliation over my attraction to the character.
Original episodes of Tiny Toon Adventures
were aired between September 1990 and December 1992, but the show went into "off-network syndication" (i.e., re-runs); first on the Warner Bros. channel, and later on Nickelodeon. Re-runs of the show were viewable for years after that. This means that Tiny Toon Adventures
was definitely being aired – and frequently – between 1992 (the earliest that this possibly could have happened) and 1996 (the final year that the successful attempts at molestation and rape took place).
This is the first time I have mentioned
being anally raped by my father, in all of my previous articles about the
abuse. I will publish more information about those memories – most of which I
recovered between October 2020 and November 2022 – as soon as I am ready to
speak confidently about what I can remember. I have declined to talk about it
until now, because of the fragmented and complex nature of those memories, and
because of the shame involved in admitting that I lost my virginity to my own father.
Written and Published
on July 27th, 2023.
Edited and Expanded on August 3rd, 2023.
Includes three
paragraphs from my second report to Lake Bluff Police; which was written between
January 9th and February 3rd, and between February 27th
and March 3rd, 2021; and was delivered to Lake Bluff Police the day
after completion (i.e., on March 4th, 2021).
That report can be
viewed at the following address:
http://aquarianagrarian.blogspot.com/2021/03/second-statement-to-police-regarding.html
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