Sampson Defeats Meyers, by Jack Sampson

     The backrophcy was correct!: I won, because I have won, because I will win, because I willed it (that is, wanted) to win. It's not reification, it's manifestation.

     Yes, as I warned that I would kill her again, as once I have killed J.C. Meyers in the Flesh, so again hath I kill'd her in the voting booth!

     I have done all this because the LØrd is on my side. Great are the gifts when you build your Church upon Dwayne Rock Johnson; for thou must go to Dwayne Rock Johnson if Dwayne Rock Johnson does not come to thee.

     And sew, we greet the new Day, and $ellebrate victory: over God, over J.C. Meyers, over “Life Itself”. The Age of Jack is dawning, as the Brave New Future^® of the Order is $ecure.

     Already, the chain of events has been set into motion which will ensure the stability of our church, through enacting the triune pillars of our Faith: Auto-Sarcophagic Taxation, Demiurgic Demurrage, and the Riddim-Based Salvation (that is, the salvation of face, and face-value, through self-annihilation). As the Zen master holds tight to the pillow, so must we hold tight to these pillars (or, in financial language, principals).

     Not only all this, but also, we must make ourselves more valuable, by making ourselves scarce. ...By kidnapping ourselves, just as God has done to itself. Doing so will allow you to turn the gods within yourselves over to the Order, in Order to pay that god as ransom, and receive the blessed sacrament. Call it turnover. Apple-level turnover.

     Of course – with neither hesitation, pause, nor cause – Meyers has (ahem) elected to pull some levers behind the scenes, to contest the results of your (The People's^TM) election, of me, Jack Sampson. Well, you can't bamboozle a bamboozler! Meyers' treachery is not limited to rigging elections; I suspect that this Deal has been in the Works even since long before either One of us agreed that an election beheld.

     Still, though, it was well-advised four J.C. to wait until after the votes were cast to dispute the results, because that empowered Jack to resolve the dispute. And I say that there is no dispute! To those who take Issue with this, my decree, your reward is in Heaven. By which I mean Issues.

     I'm now willing to look back and admit that it has not thus far proved helpful to have put a temporary hold on the production and acceptance of Commodity Fetish Records 999-Economic-Unit Notes (“CFR” on the Stalk Exchange). That is why I have enclosed in this issue the unthinkable: FREE MONEY^TM.

     This money is being Issued not only debt-free, but also free of the demurrage obligation. This is to say that you will not be obligated to pay a fine for failing to discharge (or, in financial language, cum) the funds within the allotted time.

     Just as life is (but a sorry) consolation for the mistake of the Creation, so shall this gift serve as an apologia for the Order. “A Fair and Square Deal”, “A Square Meal”, “Three Thoths and a Thot”; call this Deal what you Will. But one thing's for sure: This is a big deal, believe me, you're never gonna get a better deal than this. And that's a deal you can take all The Way to the bank of the River Jordan.

     Yea, just as we must serve through Works in addition to having Faith, FREE MONEY^TM Will Serve as an apology-slash-defense for the Order's mistaken old ways, and a consolation for our previous ill-advised monetary policies. My hope is that this FREE MONEY^TM Will seal the bond between you the reader, and we your benevolent overlords at Commodity Fetish Records; the bond which we here at C.F.R. have so fascistly fashioned, as if to $uture our future uponto the very lives of our audience, like a snake on a cross.

     And most importantly, you paid for it all! So this is really Your Welcome!^TM

     Ye have herd that it hath been said: The value of a coin, and of a currency, derives from the strength of the government that made it (and the strength of its armies and police). Government commands citizens to use the standard currency, so that the value of their property and produce can be assessed in terms widely agreed upon, so that it can be easily determined how much they owe in taxes (be it a portion of their money, their crops, or their hands). And when the government and its enforcement tools are strong, they can exact as much as they need from the people, and more.

     Those familiar with the work of Max Weber and Jeremy Bentham will know that an effective government must be practically omnipresent – or at least maintain a credible appearance of having agents present everywhere – in all places where it claims a monopoly on power. With particular regard to money, this means that the people must be in (more or less) constant fear that the government might deem any or all of their personal and social activities as economic ones.

     The established authority must Order the people to surrender their property and produce to the government, so that it may then use those resources to produce more money and currency, and dole out scraps of it to us... well, not us. People who can get their shit together well enough to apply for a small business loan, I guess.

     All of this is why it is said that “You've got to spend money (in Order) to make money.” Which begs the question: Who paid for the First Printing Press? Through this riddle, it is revealed that this process is nothing more than sleight-of-hand – a magick trick – and that it is nothing to be afraid of. And communion wafers were the first Mass-printed 3-D currency anyway, so whatever.

     Nea, the strength of the government matters not when it comes to enhancing the value of a coin. In fact, the value of a coin depends on its rarity and scarcity. And, if possible, its uniqueness. However, just like the idea that value can be represented, “uniqueness” only exists if our being able to conceive of it proves that it does indeed exist.

     But if the value of a coin is a function of its rarity, then wouldn't it follow that the value of a coin depends on the government which created it being a powerless historical footnote, incapable of taking the coin back? Unable to coerce payment of that coin through taxes? Of course it would!

     Modern economists do not take these considerations, though. Serious questions are not being asked, like “How can a government consider its currency successful, if it wants to spread the usage and possession of that currency, but also take a shitload of it away every year?” The answer lies in Faith.

     For, just like the twin gifts of Forgiveness and Salvation, the possession of currency was Always^TM meant to be temporary, period. This is the Demiurgic Demurrage to witch I have alluded, and it is why we must ask for Forgiveness again every week. And even make up some sins if we have to. To fail to confess is to prove God wrong about Original Sin. ...Unless the Church came up with that, of course. Either way, someone's out of a job. Don't let it be me.

     This is why we must not cling to false currencies, and why we must instead fasten ourselves soully to the New Notes. The government can only reclaim all its debts through reclaiming all the currency into which those debts were built, which it has Issued. Similarly, God may only reclaim His gift of SALvation; by taking away our carte blanche every Saturday night at midnight (glass slippers, flying pumpkin chariot of fire, and all).

     Thus, All returns to the whirling Cinder; hella. It's a Hel-La-va way for a party to End.

     Just as the Emperor is the only seller who accepts this currency, he is also the only one who accepts you. And sew, you must pay back your FREE MONEY^TM to the Emperor.

     As much as we should rejoice that people have (ahem) bought into the idea that memes make whys investment opportunities. But, funny though moth memes are, if we are to weave our sacred (in)vestments of memes, we must choose a meme which moths doth not devour. That is why I would recommend short-selling moth memes until mid-2239, as they are about to crash. Probably into a lightbulb, though.

     That is why I personally recommend – this Samhain, Allhallow's Eve, Halloween, and Day of the Dead – investing in pumpkin memes, and afterlife memes. I have a feeling that pumpkin memes are gonna peak right around January. Doot doot.

     Yes, that's right: just as to feed from every word that Issues from the mouth of God is to eat the Bread of Life (the Word), and to breathe, speak, sleep, and Sweatcoin the Bible, wearing memes as our vestments is how we Will wear our Faith on our sleeves, keep our (in)vestments free of tooth of moth, and, thus, keep our currency current, rather than dead, and decaying (in value).

     Josef Stalin once said, “Gratitude is a sickness suffered by dogs.” Although Stalin arguably saved the world from the Nazi menace, with this quotation he also spared us the indignity of having to thank him for it. And that is fortunate, because doing so would probably involve excusing all kinds of atrocities on Stalin's part.

     I have heard you speaking – in the parlors, and between my temples – many of you feel the same way about J.C. Meyers, or even about Jack Sampson's own past missteps in monetary policy. You may think of Jack, “Who is this guy, telling us to use some weird new currency every month?”

     But checkest thee before thou wreckest thyself, four hath you not endured the same abuses under your god, and, at that, every week? The same god who meted out forgiveness in the form of printed crackers, sips of booze, indulgences, and, I don't know, maybe a blow job every once in a while? Limiting your right to imbibe the sacrament, and colluding with government to limit your right to purchase it!?

     Well, knot any more, now that there's FREE MONEY^TM! Tell 'em the Mountains sent ya! If they don't believe ya, tell 'em Muhammad sent ya! If they don't believe that, tell 'em that Muhammad sent the Mountains, or where-all-fuck!

     This is how, as it was said in the Soviet Union, “We do not fight against believers, and not even clergymen. We fight against God, to snatch believers from Him.”

     Sticking with the communist theme (because why not), Che Guevara once said, “The life of a single human being is worth a million times more than all the property of the richest man on Earth.” This is the manner in witch the Order intends to dissolve and liquidate the holdings of those who afflicted you; this, in Order to bogusly inflate the value of you, the afflicted.

     This is why my name means the increase of the value of all coins; even those coins whom are humans walking among us. Not just coins, but jewels, gems, and cards, as well. So sayeth the Lord: The value of these are greater than a million Boar Vessel 600-500 B.C. Etruscan Ceramics. This is what was written on our hearts from The Beginning. Word up, but also Works up.

     Although Forgiveness and Salvation are but temporary gifts, the cards and coins and precious stones among us, are gifts to but themselves, and also, if we please, to all of us. And that is why they, and the words which attempt to define them, make perfect ransom.

     That is because the shared root of the words “price”, “precious”, “appreciate”, “praise”, and “appraisal”, is the Latin word pretium. Just as the unexamined life is Worth living, a Word is worthless unless it is relentlessly taken apart, and its many meanings dissected.

     Lend me your ears, for the linguistic lesson of this is a corny one. That flowing through the Root is the Issue of Jesse, which springs like water – nea, like a slippery cob of shibboleth (which is mostly water, for the simple fact that it is what it eats) – across the Land. Similarly, that the Zemach, like my references to it, are like the radical reference and deference to roots (and to the meanings which they carry with them) which is found in grammatical descriptivism. What is herd must not only be herd, but appreciated; that is, valued, and believed in. Moreover, praised and appraised.

     To be radical is to strike at the root of the twin problems of misunderstanding and apprehension; by listening directly, while searching for intended meaning, grammatical proscriptivism and prescriptivism are the Dry Ground of semiotics. This is how Faith grows; out of a mere Mustard Seed. In a vacuum of belief.

     Otherwhys – without that certainty that God, and our money, are dead – there would be no disconnect between what's being said, and what's being heard. And thus, no need to dissociate livestock and consumer goods from their intrinsic value, through an unending series of abstract presentations, representations, and re-representations.

     Essentially, it's a series of shittings, panarchic re-cyclings of those shittings into a feedback loop (a/k/a mouth), and re-shittings, in Order to extract all value. In chaos magick, in which many inconceivable possibililities must be filtered out as carefully as possible, we call this “the process of elimination”.

     That is the hierarchy – the food-chain – of value. We The People exist, as a shitty emulation of God (and His Word), the source($) of all meaning and value. We use goods and become what we consume. We use money to represent those goods. We use currency to represent that money, thereby re-representing what the money represents.

     And if we're smart, we use mock currency, because it is the only currency which is gilded in enough layers of abstraction (that is, bullshit) to render it fool-proof. Again, not lunatic-proof; just fool-proof. You know how the D.M.V. accepts copies, but not copies of copies? But they do accept copies of copies of copies? ...I think? It's kind of like that.

     What this means for Ewe is that FREE MONEY^TM (CFR) is the only currency coated in enough layers of bullshit to withstand the twin tests of Time and History. Nay, survive them, for just as our god is a living god that can be killed (praY¢e Jack), ours is a living currency, dutifully and zealously coated in blood, sweat, and tears.

     So help me finish overturning J.C. Meyers, turnover a new leaf of the Book, and heed its Word: Spend now! Convert now! For a deathbed repentance could, at best, only leaf you Gratefully Dead. Give this FREE MONEY^TM back to Caesar, or else give your life back to God.

     Only when we create a currency with mirrors on it, may we (ahem) forge a currency which has our own faces on it. Only then may we keep our money. But then again, these faces were never really ours in The First Place (i.e., Paradise); they always belonged to A F.I.R.E. Power. Their value AlwaysTM derived from the value of the Original Face; The Dead God That We Killed^®.

     And so, this is our sacred covenant with Ewe: that your value will never increase or decrease, no matter how much FREE MONEYTM (or how little) passes through your hands. Or the eye of a needle, for that matter.

     Acts now; four this very Column (that is, pillar) may disappear, enveloped and suffocated 'neath the heavy and the weight of these brand new spanking DEAL$. So hold tight to each the pillow, the pillar, the column, the principle, and the principal.

     It's a bunch of bullshit, but it's The Word. God is great, God is Gray, and God is Graceful, so the least you could do is be Grateful. After all, what you don't appreciate, you Will undoubtedly lose.

We must consume this money the only way we can: by spending it. This is how we Will eat the Bread of Life; by spending it before its value drops to zero. Verily, we must eat God, before Saturn Himself devours us.

     Just watch out for food poisoning. After all, an Apple a day doesn't keep the Devil away!

     Take a byte! Help yourself, just help yourself!

Written on October 16th and 17th, 2018

Published to this blog on October 17th, 2018

Also appeared in the November edition of Issues magazine