How to Know God Through Investing in Memes, by Jack Sampson

     In Deuteronomy 20:4-5, God tells the Israelites, “Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them, for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous god...”.

     Blah-blah-fucking-blah, right?

     And Gracie Allen once said, “Never place a period where God has placed a comma.” But what about an ellipsis? You know, for brevity's sake? You're not supposed to start a sentence with the word “and” either, yet God does it all the time. What's up with that?

     Anyway, the point is, fuck both of these people. Value can be neither communicated nor represented without brevity and idolatry. Both of these things are needed to secure, and securitize, our sacred (in)vestments.

     It's not every homebum who has his own copy of Neil Young's secret spirit-cooking recipe book written in magick disappearing ink that only hobos can see. So, needless to say, such a book would not suffice as a currency. But fortunately, most of us have a Bible, which will make a satisfactory substitute for “the Neil thing” in a pinch, if need be. Remember, you're never poor if you have a Bible; you at least have some kindling.

     However, that's not how things have always been. During the Middle Ages, the average commoner had no clue that you could toast some butter and cinnamon on white bread and have it taste good, or that you could smoke a mixture of brown sugar and table salt and get high off it. But in the mid- 15^th century, all that changed, with the development of the printing press, the Gutenberg Bible, and the first memes (illuminated manuscripts).

     At a time when the vast majority of society's efforts were focused on assisting kings and the Church to acquire land, learning to read and higher education were not considered priorities, because they did not further that goal. As a result, virtually all education was done by and through the church; and with it, nearly all culture, and all communication, whether written, lyrical, musical, or symbolic.

     Sure, the Church had every honest intention of purifying people's brains, to save them from Satan's attempts to dirty their minds. They just wanted to save time doing it, so that they could have time left-over to do some other $uper-$ecret $hit^TM behind the scenes! So they developed the illuminated manuscript, and – lo – the maymays within it, to summarize the Word of God.

     But instead of putting some periods where God put commas (so to speak), they made a whole a whole fucking Georges Seurat painting out of all the pointillisms hwich their God hath made, and they hath condensed it down to one pointeth at a time. Thus, the Illuminati'd Man-uscript (which later became part of the apocryphal text the Book of Memes) allowed the priestly class to explain – one image (or idol) at a time – what the Bible was saying, and why it meant that you had to suck they're dick.

     And what is the use of a book without pictures?

     Thus, the need for church-approved symbolic communication grew out of the church's restrictions upon the manners in which the divinity of God can be acceptably communicated. But so did the need for non-church-approved symbols. Which of course, led to people converting to religions which accepted idolatry. Additionally, it led to people developing their own mystery schools, which more even more enthusiastic in their embrace of using symbols to communicate divinity. Sigil magick, after all, is a much better way to represent and communicate the divine, than a cult leader thought to be infallible.

     If you think about it, anything could be considered “idolatry” or a “graven image” if you interpret the word too loosely. The Hebrew word pesel refers to anything engraved in stone or cut into wood. So, then, why should these rules apply to two-dimensional images, like paper Bibles, and memes “hewn” of dank electron fire? Moreover, written music isn't a graven image, so why is it banned under the same precepts? Is dance a “graven image” simply because we are three-dimensional creatures? I mean, it's not as if each of us is chiseled independently by God Himself, in His own image.

     So why all the fuss? Why should the ordinary viking-hat-wearing rapper be discouraged from donning gaudy gold and precious gems, when He believes that to be the only or best way to signify His own personal divinity (which, to Him, might be the only divinity that matters)!? God doesn't discourage anyone!

     And this is why we must invest in memes. For, just as their Father in Meme Heaven, each meme was created in the personal image and likeness of the original meme – “The Source” – the illuminated manuscript. Memes; Not Man. And that is why no meme has ever lost redemption value (this is to say that no meme has ever lost its ability to redeem us).

     And that is why the Holy Spirit supports a meme-based currency. The Holy Spirit is the top trends forecaster in America, and believe ewe me, He has never gotten this shit wrong. So invest in memes! about Jesus in jail, and memes about sucking your own dick.

     Heavens, double your money! Invest in memes about Jesus sucking his own dick while in jail! Or go to religion generator dot com or some shit, and make a meme-slash-cult-slash-currency that portrays Adam as wanting his rib removed so that he could suk his own dik like Marilyn Manson.

     There's nothing in that story that conflicts with the creation “myth” of Nut nutting in the Nile, like a crocodile. I mean, how else are we going to teach the plebeians about the ouroboric self-destructive cycle of death and rebirth- I mean sin and redemption- I mean sin?

     You know what I mean. Just give us your money.

     Tractor memes are so 5777 anyway.

Originally Written and Published on August 16th, 2018