Shut Yer Yap: How to Starve Yourself Rich (A Numismatic Exorcism)

             Nought is clear, lest we view it through the Lens of the penetrated stone.

            Nought is clear, but that the study of rai (also known as raay, fei, the Yap Island stone coin, and on the international currency market, YIC) is essential to all future study and understanding of numismetaphysics.

This is why some more study of rai shall be necessary before we continue to our main subject, cryptocurrency.

In his 1991 paper “The Island of Stone Money”, Nobel Prize winning economist Milton Friedman (Uncle Milty himself) discussed the similarity between the practices of marking gold stored in Federal Reserve vaults to signify a change in ownership, and the practice of marking rai for the same purpose.

In the paper’s conclusion, Friedman writes how important myth – “unquestioned belief” –

is “in monetary matters”. He continues, “the money we have grown up with… appear[s] ‘real’ and ‘rational’ to us”, while “The money of other countries often seems to us like paper or worthless metal”, even if its purchasing power is strong.

This ought to demonstrate to any savvy investor that talk of “the gold price”, “the iron price”, etc.^TM, is bull hockey in your pocket. Moreover, that the value is in the Eye of the (Arthurian) Stone. This is the maieutic source of currency’s value. So, then, if we are, indeed, destined to play a Game of Stones, we must ask ourselves whether it should, in particular, be a game of birthstones.

Do not let your Eyes be deceived; after all, The Book is made of paper (though it may have gilded edge). And the Almighty Emperor’s Commodity Fetish Records 999- Economic Unit Note be of paper.

So what, then, distinguishes The Book from gold? The Book from the Note, or the Note from gold? Gold from the Heart? Only the Beholder of the Light. Only the Truth and Truth of the One who makes the Promise to pay to the Bearer on demand. The Bearer of Light teaches that the Word is only as good as the heart it is printed on. Thus, the Word backs gold and paper alike. The Promise backs their value. This is what I saw through the flames.

But just as importantly, and to answer the Question directly, gold is alone among these in one key aspect: it cannot be burned for heat in an emergency. Aside from Friedman’s probably subconscious allusion to this phenomenon, that this fact makes gold inferior to the Book, the Note, and the Heart for use as a currency, has not yet been noted by mainstream economists. Thus, the Jungian Shadow cast by the spectre of gold has cast a scintillating Skynet to blind nearly all of the scientists of modern currency. This is to be remedied, for We know where the real gold is buried.

So, then, cryptocurrency. Currency reclaimed from the crypt. Is it a current currency, or not?

 Does the immortality inculcate (charge) a presence – a life – into the currency, or does its deadness (however imagined or falsely perceived) subvert its value as a “living document”? Only the numismancers know for sure. The answer might explain why we still have pyramids on our damn “money”. The only way to get through the Eye of the Rai, in a manner of speaking (and, also, quite literally), is by Numismancing the Stone.

We love our money like we love our own flesh and blood. After all, it’s backed by our own flesh and blood, isn’t it? Just as sure as the paper you’re printed on, just as sure as your dossier will survive you, if it backs your currency, then symbolically, it is your currency. We may say “I like money” or “I<3$” (now a publicly traded company), but how many of us would be willing to kill, or even die, for our money, and for its value?

One major determinant in the value of rai is the grandness of the story which can be told about one rai; what happened to it on its way to Yap from the distant island on which it was quarried. Aside from the size of the coin (ranging from 3 inches to 12 feet in diameter), whether those transporting it survived a storm, or whether a famous sailor brought the coin to the island, may boost its value.

Most importantly for the purposes of this discussion, rai may have high value because many people die bringing them to Yap, or (perplexingly) because nobody dies bringing them to the island.

This is why we must either kill many people, or else die (and take many others with us), in order to continue to bogusly inflate the value of our currency. Just as in the balancing act between relying on ubiquitous use and widespread acceptability vs. scarcity and uniqueness as the driver of currency’s value, it could not be clearer what we must do for our money, for our “own” flesh and blood.

That is why we must fight this currency war – and we shall fight them; on the Banks of every river, in every trench and every Bank vault – if we are to procure for our posterity a Currency of Blood. It is all for the sake of STABility. Remember, you’re worth more dead than you are alive, right? Just don’t go about trying to prove it, though. I mean (say it with me)… Just You Buy It!^(R)

This leads us to our next topic: how to strike it rich without working.

For example… take me… please! I don’t do shit, I make money. Read The Tao, be The Master, make shit happen. I mean… I get paid to make money.

I know we’re told that high earnings, and a lot of money, and rewards, are the inevitable result of hard work. And that if a man does not work, neither shall he eat. But I’ve eaten without being required to work for it, and I get paid to sit around and do basically nothing at my job.

That’s why I attribute all of my success and earnings to hard work. To do so may go against everything I’ve observed, but everyone else thinks it’s true, so I don’t object, because it’s all I can do to keep from shouting from the rooftops that it should be legal to steal from me. This is the Root of the Hole in the Coin. But back to my financial advice.

Are you starving, freezing, poor, broken? No, you’re not. You only feel that way. And for you to project your feelings onto my rights is unconstitutional. It’s a violation of my rights!

‘Ey, if you’re poor, spend less money. If you don’t want to pay taxes, then just refuse to pay taxes, or else stop working. If you can’t find work, get a job. If you’re disabled, work harder! If you can’t afford good food, eat garbage! If you’ve frozen stiff in your apartment, just walk away from the apartment and the landlord! I mean, if you’re in chains, break out! Amirite!?

As I suspect Jesse Ventura (Master of Mixed Metaphors) must have pontificated at some point, “Ask for work. If you can’t find work, ask for bread. If they don’t give you bread, steal bread. If you can’t steal bread, let them eat cake. And if you can’t have your cake and eat it too, then the proof of the pudding is in the eating of the cake bread pudding.” Man can live on bread alone! But only if we learn to Leave Breadney Alone.

These are the only paths to stable, rising financial gains. …Chris Gaines.

You’re welcome.

Oi, fucker, why do you think they needed to punch holes in Jesus’s hands for the Crucifixion? Well, how else are you going to insert his employment chip? I mean, Everybody Loves Revelaymond. Furthermore, is Jesus the type to charge rent for the privilege to occupy – and use – his holes, for whatever purpose we may imagine?

This is why I say, to fuck a hole in your money is to fuck a hole in yourself (as a reminder, the hole represents built-in debt). This is what it means to be unable to worship both God and Mammon (profit).

After all, the holes in Yap Island stone coins are not for the insertion of poles as axles, but only as transportation devices. To repeat, Fred Flintstone was not driving his moneymobile around Yap, that’s not in the historical records. Again, rai are as small as 3 inches; yet for some reason the holes are retained even at that size, though their light weight makes the use of poles unnecessary for transportation.

So, then, why not fill the hole with something else, such as your hopes and dreams? Your fears? A nice ottoman or a duvet? A sword? Your balls? The Resonating Light? Why not shove a jewel in there, make it nice and pretty? Remember, there’s more than one way to “charge” your purchase. Do some sacred services and an incantation, turn it into a portal so its demons can escape. Do a thing.

As Milton Friedman suggested, and as Emperor Ryan explains, “money is a magic[k] fetish”; an object believed (unquestioned) to possess a sacred, intrinsic, imminent value, including, often, a spiritual one. Emperor Ryan continues: “bank magicians use transference to charge paper into currency”. The money is charged much in the same way in which a sigil is charged.

Hence, voodoo economists are in good company; although a small but significant faction of them are currently waging a covert currency war against their fellow voodoo economists, as well as against the bank magicians, who favor the anthill (ANT) over the “petrodollar-weapondollar coalition” (USD). For more information, read the works of Jonathan Nitzan.

What all this means is that it is our dedication to refraining from questioning the value of our money, and the validity of our government’s public debt, which gives our currency much of its value. It is our suspension of belief which exalts our money to such heights. But, be assured, dead moneys cannot reign.

What do the smallest denomination of rai stone, a cross, and the Hand of God have in common? You can string all of them onto a necklace. But nobody cries when you do it to some rai. Remember: “Don’t cry; scry!”

Thus, the Punched Hand (or wrist) is, by all indicators, the best form of currency, but also, with its fingerprints, it can easily suffice as a form of INDENTification. Fingerprinting only makes human hands a more viable currency, due to its identifiability. A fingerprint is like a serial number, printed with a communion wafer printing press onto a slab of human dough; the Bread of Life, Sacred Manna from Heaven. It’s Time to Make the Donuts.

Even without fingerprinting, the early 2000s government of Afghanistan managed to run successful elections. They did this by taking the fingers of people who had already voted, and dyeing them with ink, and making sure nobody votes who already has ink on their hands. How nice it would be if we could use this idea to ban people with blood on their hands from participating in the democratic process!

So there you have it: The Hol(e)y Human Hand – the Hand of God – is like a bagel in its completeness, its roundness. It is a perfect currency; the Hand does not even have to be transported in order to serve as a useful currency, nor does it need to be separated from the body for the same purpose, nor must it be moved (and removed) in order to denote that its ownership has changed. Remember, idle hands are the Devil’s playground.

But to see the Light through the Lens of the Eternal Bagel – and to understand the artistic concept of negative space – will teach us that without the (w)hole, we are hollow and incomplete, yet complete in our incompletion. Can we be whole without the hole? Only by holding together our Hands, and our Money (which are one and the same), may we answer these questions. After all, without holes in our hands, how are we to be bound together? How are we to be strung up?

This currency – the Hand (or even the Finger) – is the Sigil which we must charge. It is the sigil which we must read in order to fully understand (that is, stand-under) the charges.

In 1948, Mahatma Gandhi wrote, “I will give you a talisman. Whenever you are in doubt, or when the self becomes too much with you, apply the following test. Recall the face of the poorest and the weakest man whom you may have seen, and ask yourself, if the step you contemplate is going to be of any use to him. Will he gain anything by it? Will it restore him to a control over his own life and destiny? In other words, will it lead to swaraj (freedom) for the hungry and spiritually starving millions? Then you will find your doubts and your self melt away.” This is the test we must apply when choosing a currency.

To be required to work in exchange for our needs, eludes the truth; that in order to work comfortably, our needs must first be satisfied. The hole in our hands is the key; just like the Afghan election, to get what we need, all we should have to do is show our hand. Why, nearly all of us recognize the meaning – the value – of a Hand, or a Fist, held high. So, too, the Finger. It says “I AM A MAN”. …Or “Fuck you”. Same thing.

This is the Shibbolethic Talisman which was foretold in the ancient scriptures (i.e., articles 1 through 4). As I’ve explained, currency is, necessarily, a talisman, or fetish (magickal object). For a currency to additionally serve as a shibboleth is to use that currency, and to set the societal rules of the marketplace around it, in such a way as to cause its usage to create and cast a distinction between those who know the Hand not, and still worship dead money, versus those who recognize the Hand, and its meaning; its monetary and spiritual value.

I’ll take Gandhi’s advice.

Years ago in Nashville, I met a man who was selling newspapers about homelessness. He asked me for a donation, in order to, in his words, “relieve the stigmata of homelessness”. He meant to say “stigma”, but his choice of words reveals all.

The big questions in all of this are: With what will you fill such an outstretched, truly empty, punched hand? Will you be as a Doubting Thomas, and insert a pole, in order to transport and trade the unit of currency?

Most importantly: What do we have to offer one another, if all any of us has is our own outstretched empty hand?

I have no gift to bring, pa-rum-pa-pum-pum…

Written and Published on October 15^th, 2017

Currency Wars: How to Game the System

            The Pharaohs were right again, there is a war coming!

            That’s right, a war is brewing – in a pyramid-shaped brewery, no less – between currencies. This is not a mere battle between coins and paper, but one between very currencies and moneys themselves!

            This being anything other than a game of rock-paper-scissors, the John Nashes among us can return from our C.I.A.-backed drawing boards (or, rather, conspiracy webs). I mean, let’s not kid ourselves, we have a faith-based currency. Fiat currency is literally backed by say-so.

            Thus, it is not socio-cultural convention that dictates the value of the USD; it is power. From time immemorial, currencies have always been backed by power, from the labor conditions that accompanied the mining of currencies’ materials, to the conditions which brought about the widespread acceptance (“accept” being the operative word) of the currency.

Nobody begs for currency (except when they do; really, except when they need to). It was always power that gave value to these worthless little unpossessed trinkets (unpossessed in both senses of the word) in our pockets. That’s why ours must be a monetary theory predicated upon the veracity of the Power Theory of Value.

            Most of us view currencies and moneys as having a distinction and/or a difference, but the waxing crescent will soon reveal where our real values lie. This is why our masterless masters tell us; money is a real store of value, while currency is a representation. Currency is a symbol, a spectre, a spook, a phantasm, a dybbuk; it has no real value in and of itself. And just like a dybbuk or a vampire, or Jesus or God, it cannot come in – cannot receive your value, your credit, your belief – unless you invite it in.

That is, unless the currency you use is living.

            This is why how much money you get for your work, and what you spend your money on, are less valuable than what your choice of money (or currency) is in the first place.

I mean, if you conduct all of your transactions in wampum, you’re not going to be very successful unless you only trade with the Seneca and the Onondaga, or you want to move a lot of quahog shells in general. Or beaver pelts, for that matter; both make excellent currencies. All I’m saying is that resource-backed currencies are making a comeback, I’m not trying to make any value judgments.

Now it’s time to make some value judgments.

The truly best way to game the system is to make it your 40-hours-a-week business to decide how much each currency is worth relative to the others. That’s how European banking dynasties have always kept it in the black. And they’re Knights Exemplars of business ethics, for fuck’s sake.

The lessons of Hephaestus (the god of metals) are thus clear: understand the price of money, and buy and sell money. Buy money with money, it’s solid investment advice!

As you may remember from the last time (or the last piece; really, the last timepiece, the real Holder of Value, the real Keeper of Records, the real Signifier of Honor), it is a most pressing issue in today’s economy as to whether moneys and currencies derive their value from nature or from nurture.

Answering this question will be the key to discovery as to which forms of currency and money are based on power, violence, and intimidation.

I believe that a lunar currency will ultimately prove a more durable store of value, but that’s beside the point. This is not Sinfowars, neither is it No-Spin-Zone-Fo-Wars; this is pure competitive currency, the realm of numismatic pataphilosophy to which we must all eventually surrender.

But surrender we must to the subconscious realm of pure speculation. For ours is an economy based on faith, speculation, game, grime, gift, grift, and gank. That is, especially, speculation in land; this is why Geonomics must be synthesized with Geomancy.

Putting stock in your beliefs means investing in your beliefs.

If (for example) a hob-goblin who practices hoodoo tells you-doo that two-two is gonna win you the craps game, don’t think of it in terms of a cost-benefit analysis, or as a matter of wise or unwise investments. It’s all in the risk.

Use the hob-goblin as an avatar of Mammon, and use numerology to deconstruct the number 22 into its relevant values and meanings. If the angels are in the cards, play the goblin. If not, justify things according to your caprice; just let it ride.

The fundamental theorems of welfare economics tell us that one of the conditions for totally free markets (that is, perfect competition and fully interconnected markets) entails total freedom to bet on future states of affairs, as long as the bets are backed up 100% by existing assets.

So an economy based on gambling (in addition to game) is still potentially in the cards.

As Emperor Ryan taught us, “Don’t bet the house, be the house.”

Lord Petyr, too, taught that you must be willing to risk everything you have for everything you want. This is why we must gamble our lives away, for a chance at money, a chance at fame, a chance at immortality, a chance at our 15 minutes in the bacon grease. There Are No Masters Through Meyers.

And Greg, may he rest in peace, imparted that, essentially: bubbles, and volatility in markets and of currencies, affect only those who invest in them. This is why booze, strippers, and craps make for promising short-term fiduciary stratagema.

In the long term, invest in death. For an underdog, long-shot, or short-sell, buy immortality.

But this eclipses the wider point: Why use USD – a national currency covered in stripper sweat, trace amounts of feces and human skin, and toxic chemicals – when you could use a currency made of human skin? I’m not talking about soylent leather-cheques, those are so last recession season. I’m talkin’ about good old Uncle Charlie Manskin, you Prudent investors.

Hookers and blow, too, are recession-proof (and certainly depression-proof). This is what Greg has taught us, Put a Bird Upon Him (pbuh). That’s why you should hedge your bets with bush. Additionally, spending other people’s money counts as short selling.

But yea, you can vote yourself richer; by voting with your wallet, while you vote with your feet, as long as you pull yourself up by your bootstraps, hold on to your immigration papers, and bereave in yourself!

George said the only thing that makes him not a Pope is that billions of people don’t think he is. Likewise, David taught that the Pope could walk into a casino, call the wrong number at craps, and still walk away with billions of dollars, claiming infallibility.

This much we know to be true. But where do we go from here, knowing that money is the root of all evil, and that it’s impossible to serve two gods?

We must demand either a lunar-time-backed currency, or else at least a lunar calendar, as a compromise with the lunatic proles fringe.

I mean, literally (and I mean the word “literally” literally) billions of people know that time and money have a certain level of equivalence with one another. Almost as many believe, rightly, that there are 383 ½ days, divided into 13 months, in a year.

But few understand that – while the solar system is a clock that works off of a 64-multiplying-fractal-/-cyclical-linear historiological-astrological-symbolic repetition pattern, going backward from the Singularity point in the morning of December 21^st, 2012, at the cusp of the Piscean and Aquarian Ages – the Moon plays a demiurgic role in calibrating the ticking-and-talking of the Universe. And this is not just McKenna’s clockwork gnomes talking, this is some straight-up Anaxagoras shit.

How do you make money? Four words: “Distrust but independently verify”. But the question remains: how do you (the reader) gamble in a casino that doesn’t accept moon-based currencies, communion wafers, tokens that aren’t completely useless as fetishes, or Manskin? There’s no use beating around the hedge fund, I’ll spare you the buckskin euphemism.

The Cosmic Clock Theory allows us to foresee the mass use of TimeIsMoney @s a currency. The Cincinnati Time Store, and “labor-hour” currencies (such as MountainHours), all demonstrate that time is a source of value which can viably back currency. This is especially so when we consider the Holographic Universe Theory’s notion that black holes may store information.

That’s why keeping up on your historiological astrological symbolism will help make sure you’ll be In The Mooney®, and stay there.

The monetary policy on which we have set a course is one anchored in a solid foundation of hoodoo microeconomics, voodoo macroeconomics, and Moonie world trade theory. It is a sound, freeing, open-source theory, backed by standardized units of human bread.

As Rosa suggested: no bread, no man, no work. If we do not eat (“eat”, not “work”, nor “spend”), we die. Work is but an opportunistic middleman, for Hannah also said that work is distinct from action and labor. We work to earn money that we would otherwise not have to spend, if we did not “need” all the things that those who work us require of us.

Remember, need is distinct from want. Satisfaction of base needs is necessary to sustain the adequate bodily health needed to support hard work, and no employer ever compensated a new hire to the tune of the value of all the things he had to buy in order to get his shit together well enough to go about applying for a job.

A monetary policy that takes none of this into consideration will rightly suffer from a battery of attacks, and wither and die. This is why our currency must be alive.

That is what is meant by Human Bread. It is the Doe that brings us back to Dough.

You must choose a currency (or a money, or none); I cannot choose it for you. But I recommend that you choose a currency that is current; its circulation must flow freely. Volatility is a quality of water; it is not solely a state of turmoil. That’s what the spend-o-crats at Fox Business won’t tell you (F=6 O=60 X=600). You know sometimes words have two meanings.

So, you see, finance is all about water. What makes up 70% of our bodies? Water. We’re literally made of money! And what controls the tides? The Moon. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you!

Stay away from currencies that won’t give you the time of day. If your currency doesn’t keep current, you’re gonna have such a bad time that you won’t even know what time it is. But using a living currency helps prevent your choice in currency from going stale.

Read your handprints and follow the Economicon: Worship no dead moneys. Use not currencies of the past; currencies that do not keep current know no lunar calendar, know no compromise.

It then follows that human time – especially time expending effort and work (and especially especially effort and work watching and moonitoring the Moon) – is a source of time-money-Moon-value. It is this theory of (e)valuation which alone may knock the Power Theory of Value off its orbit and into relative retrograde.

Don’t be fooled, Moon Money Israel. Talk of objective and intrinsic value balks - Fairuza balks - saunters into a crevice, and yields at the majesty of the Will of each splendid Unique. Your Jewels are the most precious to you, they cannot be reduced to mere numbers.

The Neoliberals who endorse this foodoo (false hoodoo) would not bear the thorns of haggling in terms of pieces of silver, or communion wafers (or, for that matter, Nilla Wafers, as long as they’re properly ordained). I mean, does Andy Warhol have no say in this whatsoever?

If the Body of Christ could be traded around like that 2,000 years ago, then why can’t today’s money-changers get in on such a fortuitous investment opportunity? Corporate welfare whores, get in on this action. Act now: kill the Church, and scrap it for parts to sell! Go dig your graves, then fill your mouth with all the money you will save!

So, then, what is meant by a truly living currency of Human Manna (i.e., Humana)? Should we suffer anything less than a currency whose value is inversely proportionate to the human suffering which caused it, expressed in easily divisible economic units as quantities of blood, sweat, and tears?

            Do we own ourselves, and our toil? What is the value of a pound of flesh, expressed in GBP? Most importantly, are the medical professionals who conduct our pre-employment piss-tests making money selling our urine, hair, cheek swabs, and other pieces of us that harbor DNA?

            Take solace, for questions are meant to be answered.

Written on August 14th, 2017

Edited on September 14th, 2017,
and January 17th and May 11th, 2018

Investment Advice for Lunatics: Using Sigil Magick to Risk Nothing for Everything

      The investment advice of the Pharaohs is true after all. This means that you, too, can be a possessed corporate welfare whore; too big to fail, and too tender to touch!

      But heed ye not advice from the so-called “professional witches” of Vice Magazine, and their À-La-Flambuoyant Flirtemptation and flat-out foolery of manner of article purporting that one may simply “use witchcraft to make money”.

      This is merely the washing of a demonic hog; it is not fit for human consumption, and should have never been marketized. Not everything is witchcraft just because Frank sings that it is. The same goes with Stevie and superstition, and Marxy Markets and resources.

      You can have it all. As long as you're willing to risk losing everything you have. If that figure is zero, this article is for you.

      But to get the money, we must understand (that is, obey) where money comes from, and where it gets its value. From its parents? From society? Let's find out.

      You know, the Twelve-Dollar News-Suits^TM on the FOXy-Box tell us that people like physical currency because they like the way it feels. But y'ever feel a dollar bill? It's kinda itchy, isn't it? How are you gonna have a stable currency that's so itchy, people don't want to touch it? Well, here's how to turn your itchy money into Witchy Money.

      Money comes from the moon. Don't believe me? Grab yourself an Oxford English Dictionary. It's an entymological dictionary, so it pins down the meaning of the word the same way you pin an insect down to the specimen collection tray. No wiggle room, no room for all that “living document” bullcrap. You Know What I'm Saying.^TM

      This brings me my first tip for making money is to Trademark^TM Everything^TM You^TM Can.^{TM (TM)} Charge^TM People^TM Mooney^TM for^(R) Talking^TM Like^TM You^TM. Paul Mooney. You wanna know why? The Greeks, man. See the coin-moon on the Drachma. Silver Moon, Golden Sun. Bimetallism, baby. Remember William Jennings Bryan? Well, this is him times Aleister Crowley, to the power of a red panda!

      Don't be a Moonie for Mooney; be a Loonie for Loonies! That's right: this year, it's not Manic Monday, it's Lunacy Lunedí – it's the “Luna-C, Luna-D” to the “A-Tone, B-Tone, See-Tone” which upon Us Allen of Madison Son of Satan imparted - so watch out for owls and crescents.

      Signs and traces of owls and crescents act as virtual tabernacles charged with sigil and seal, and with talismans (talismen?) aplenty, all suitable for ensuring reliable access to alternate neighboring celestial dimensions. It's like a United Nations World Passport, but for ghosts.

      You Heard it Here First^TM; by taking entheogenic hallucinogenic plants, you can send yourself into psycho-shamanic trances, in which you may experience glossolalia, or “speaking in tongues”. Record yourself doing an incantation! Do the Wop Bam Boogaloo.

      Write down the words later, in whatever pre-existing or invented (or summoned) language you please! Go overboard, get all Joseph Smith about it. Make the Shroud of Turin into your own personal waifu pillowcase if you have to, just Do a Goddamn Thing for the Empire!

      The more sigils, seals, talismans, talisman-based shibboleths, and other meaning-based currencies you collect, the more domain names you can come up with. That's why the more symbols you generate through ecstatic ritual glossolalia, and the more pictograms (such as hieroglyphics and emojis) - and cryptograms, codices, and even entirely “new” (i.e., primordial) languages - the better (another tip: Spell things any way you like. Remember, you can't spell “spell” without “spell”!!!).

      Then you just sit back, like a nest-egg on an anthill, and wait for the offers to come rolling in! It's easy as pi, as romantic as Romania!

      I heard you ask that question out loud, and yes, you should turn down opportunities that your conscious mind presents to you to make yourself less crazy (if you didn't ask anything out loud, this article is, once again, not for you).

      If you hear or sense a magickal impulse in the skull-bound spell-room in which your Psyche dwells a tortured prisoner, delve into it immediately, and believe it like your life depends on it. Put it all on 21 red! You are special, you are the ideal, and all patterns and symbols are convening to communicate to You that you alone are one with the gods, and The One to Shepherd the Weak Out of the Valley^TM. Put all your stock in your beliefs.

      This technique – called the Cherishing Technique^TM – allows the magician to extract as much meaning as possible from What Ze Has. In French they say chérie. In Spanish, they say querid@. In Spanish and Italian, it's carin@. In England, “dear” also means “expensive”. What does it mean to you that I'm telling you this? Don't mistake the medium for the message. Learn the language of Lov, the language of the World Wide Web.

      People need websites, don't they? Why wouldn't they need a website named after a nonsense word you came up with after you realized your new phone lets you type more symbols than your old phone? Don't^TM Tell^TM Me^TM The^TM Odds^TM. If You Build It, And Say God Built It, And Told You To Marry All Of Your Followers, They Will Come.

      We must invest multiple meanings into all of the words we use, for our most common words have dozens of meanings, for as Jesca taught us, words are all we have, if not love. This will enable maximum profit for all you Uber-loving millennials' witchcraft professionalization needs, so you can be a successful one-eyed, moneyed warlock who Pays^TM His^TM Goddamn^TM Taxes^TM!

      We can go on believing that the Illuminati-symbol-covered holographic honey-brick food-based currency (combination mutuum cheque) which we use today, is the best way to conduct trade in today's integrated globalizationist economy. But even though our modern currency fulfills all of the functions that make a currency valuable (even more so than the tea-brick or the onion), we must not ignore the value of a human being.

      And that is why I suggest investing in currencies backed by human skin.

      The value of the American dollar is backed by the blood, sweat, and tears of the American worker. It's a veritable spirit cooking of wealth in those sweatshops. After all, a “buck” is called a buck because it was named a buck back when a buckskin was worth a dollar (try to say that 999 times fast!). So why not Soylent up the currency?

      It would help restore financial soylency. And besides, that's where I write my blog. How else are you gonna keep that encyclical in circulation, unless you have a real circulatory system behind it? It would sure help us keep current with the fact of what our main export is (i.e., pain), information which has must be considered when establishing economic systems and choosing which currencies to use and invest in.

      So my advice: keep a steady stream of currency in your river bank. You can ask the River of Jordan that is Jordan Maxwell What^TM I'm^TM Talking^TM About^TM. Know the secrets of your Berth.

      The main lesson here is that the best way to get What^TM You^TM Have^TM to appreciate in value, is to appreciate it more. Appreciate that Hebrew Typewriter with the Keys^TM Made^TM Out^TM of^TM Dice^TM Carved^TM from^TM Endangered^TM White^TM Rhino^TM Teeth^TM better, by destroying it. I mean make it, name it, cash in on the domain names, and then destroy it.

      Be sure to destroy everything you own (including yourself) – especially if you have two or more of the relevant item – in order to exploit scarcity and make your valuable items invaluable (or else smashed on the floor). Don't forget to salvage the scraps, arrange them meticulously in orders that will only make sense at a certain time, and make new languages out of that.

      Remember the First Rule of Sigil Money: You've^TM Got^TM a^TM Portfolio^TM to Maintain^TM. There Is No Second Rule Of Sigil Money. Just keep in mind that, like fire, schizophrenia can be harmful to those who fail to master it and harness its vast creative and emotional powers of imagination, introspection, and sympathy and empathy.

      Although, as they say (Who's they? Wait, who am I talking to?), a mind is a terrible thing to waste, and nothing is free except your opinion, the human brain may very well become the World Reserve Currency by 2025, so the Yuan better watch out! So hold on to your head like you hold onto the night (or if you're into Zen instead of 80's music, like you hold fast to the pillow).

      Additional ways to grow your wealth by exploiting scarcity include:

      1) Making yourself scarce;

      2) Hiding your magickal items away from your normie half-orc friends; Remember the Folding Rule: Nobody^TM Needs^TM to^TM See^TM That^TM Shit^TM. You haven't even figured out how those clothespins connect to spell angelic messages out of meaningless symbols, what makes you think your guests are going to know how? …Oh right, Crowley's wife in the Pyramid. … anyway, also:

      3) Murdering your döppelganger (as always) to protect against identity theft. Consider doing the same to your shadow, as well as your Jungian Shadow.

      These steps (i.e., magick tricks) will help you increase the value of your ritual items (including your sealskin seals, your talisman chalicements, etc.), while also ironically making you into a more highly valued target for currency-skinning. So hold on to your buckskin; it's all in a day's work for dear Bambi.

      Finally, 1) Take full ownership of yourself; be a precious jewel, a diamond in the rough; 2) Print a bunch of stylized Andy Warhol faces onto sacramental communion wafers with a wafer press, use them as an edible currency (for use in fashionable indulgences), and call it art; 3) Pay Your Goddamn Taxes^TM, and 4) Redeem yourself, not all of your insignificant possessions for money over eBay.

      Or the other thing, whatever floats your Ark. That garbage screw just might be a fetish after all.

      If all else fails, picture your audience as a bunch of empty sacks of money.

      Take advantage. There's no limit to what you have to gain.

$igned,

God Will Increase

      S.P.Q.R.: All capitalized phrases herein not capitalized upon are hereby up-for-grabs for both copyrighting and open access.

Written on July 15th and 16th, 2017

Yes, That Inanimate Object is Mocking You, and Here's Why

Yes, That Inanimate Object is Mocking You, and Here's Why:
A Guide for Schizophrenics Trying to Get into Chaos Magick

      We've all been there.

      You're out somewhere, and someone's talking to you about Charles Manson. You want to tell them Tex Did It, but you can't tell whether they're really into Charlie or they're just flirting with you. It happens all the time.

      Then you come home, and the dark suitcases and blankets that you meticulously arranged on the large shelf a few hours ago have morphed into an empty floating Darth Vader shaman's cloak waiting to sexually harass you. Then you turn on the fan, and your little silver dish full of cookie fortunes gets blown away, and you pick up one that offends you. What did you expect?

      And don't forget about the recurring nightmare about being Martin Luther nailing the 95 Theses to the church, and the papers turn into Jesus, and you're nailing Him to the Cross! I mean, fuggeddaboutit! It happens to literally the best of us (samaan).

      You want to ask someone what's up, and get your line of thinking checked out; but you don't want to cut yourself with Occam's Razor. We all know the story; don't feel alone, feel at-one! You alone have the power to investigate and solve inconsistencies apparent in your conscious thought; all you have to do is remember that the opposite of paranoia is pronoia, the suspicion that other people are conspiring to help you. Know that He sees you and takes pity.

      Yes, your possessions are mocking you, and for good reason. They scoff at the thought that you might ever truly and fully own them!

      Why would they hesitate to mock you when you mock yourself so much!? I mean, why wouldn't you suspect that your friends from across the country sneaked (snuck?) into your apartment, crawled under your blankets, and suffocated and died under there? Of course that's what happened! You've been gone for hours, and the least complicated explanation is most likely the correct one.

      Besides, your friends wouldn't tell you if they were coming to do that. It seems considerate, but seriously, sometimes, the nerve of some sheet-ghosts! Sometimes you manage to ask yourself what the odds are, but C-3PO, being an android subject to Asimov's laws of robotics, submits to your order to never again tell you the odds. Pathetic.

      But eventually, after you take your shoes off with your eyes closed, sit in a cardboard box, facing southwest, you crawl out of Schrödinger's Cat-Box, turn on the lights, pull back the blankets, and see that it's just some pillows that got tucked down under your sheets, impersonating your dead friends under the blankets. And for now, that seems logical enough.

      Until you remember that the folks at the Zen session told you to hold tight to those pillows. That's when you start pondering whether there really is an alternative to Richard Nixon owning the Moon. If you find yourself (-selves) asking questions like this, just remember: “You're not crazy, you're a warlock”, and “Bitch I'm a Witch”. Keep in mind that a lunatic is just someone who pays attention to the Moon. Keep watch over Her bewitching form if you must; just don't let Diana possess you (like something out of Soviet Russia). “Crazy” has no formal medical definition; it's just a Willie Nelson song.

      You must learn not to make yourself an easy target for mockery by your possessions. You can take the matter of “what you possess vs. what possesses you” into Your W-Hole-Y Unique Hands (R), and here are twelve easy reasons how!:

      1) Replace your cuckoo clock with a mockingbird, and you'll see what I'm talkin' about.

      2) Choose your new possessions (and familiars) carefully. Be careful how you befriend your new familiars. And if a piece of fruit at the store is giving you the malocchio, yes, it's best to simply avoid buying that type of fruit at that store, because the other Fruit may be spiritually compromised. Unless all pineapples worldwide are similarly cursed. ...Oh shit.

      Anyway, choose your possessions well; and own them, or else they will own you. How much time do we waste catering to the upkeep needs of our possessions? I mean, how many robot servants am I gonna have to maintain thirty years from now just to get a Fish or a Pure Pineapple? My concerns are valid.

      3) Our pets' eyes can act as portals into other celestial (and sexual) dimensions. Simply put, if you don't possess your cat, then your cat will possess you. You must claim your pet as your witch's or warlock's (or male witch, etc.)'s familiar.
      Force your pet to take your surname as soon as possible! Say you let some female dogs live with you. Make sure they know the score; a renter must submit to her landlord! Marry one of those dogs, and make sure it knows you're its master, and she's your bottom-bitch, or else you won't know which bitch is which witch, bitch! Do some bitchcraft. Give animal husbandry a new meaning.

      4) There is actually an easy way to tell for sure whether your pet knows who you were in a past life: Put a Witch Hat on It.^TM What will this accomplish? Nothing. ...That is, if you consider looking super cute and witchy and sick af all at the same time “nothing”.

      The point is, listen to what your “mortal” mini- Anubis or Sphinx is trying to tell you about “who you are”. For more information on the origins and meaning of this phrase, please stare into the eyes of a hastily-Google-image-searched portrait of Madam Helena Blavatsky.

      5) Macabre-up your living (and personal!) space. Remind yourself that you will die from being enslaved by your possessions by finally building and putting to use that chandelier made out of human skulls and bones, and marimbas made out of the same, that you designed last bak'tun. Wear a vial full of your brother's blood around your neck. Do a goddamn thing for the Empire.

      6) You're not getting any younger (or are you?). Why do you keep putting off carving that Hebrew typewriter with the keys made out of dice carved from endangered white rhino teeth that gets Bluetooth transmissions from the Pakistani volcano that's psychically informing you that you have Seasonal Affective Disorder (S.A.D.)? You remember, the one that the invisible rabbi told you about years ago (or years from now)?

      7) Use sigil magick to cash in on domain names! Dramatically increase your ability to claim intellectual property, by using glossolalia to generate new words and languages. Invent new symbols, pictograms, emoji, languages, codices, and cryptograms, then simply add “dot website”. Then cash in on the stock market, and make millions in whichever cosmic or celestial currency you desire! It's a fool-proof plan; not necessarily lunatic-proof, but fool-proof.

      8) Stop flipping coins! Submitting your decision-making authority to a piece of currency with a socially constructed value helps money to own you, which, believe me, is the last thing you want to do.

      9) The lamp you've affixed to your wall knows which Led Zeppelin song you're supposed to play when you light the candles, you just have to ask it politely.

      10) Remember that you can never be fully deprived of possessions. At any time, one can request to have a reading performed - by a trained, certified professional, for a reasonable price - to determine possession of (and by) which kind of cups, or swords, etc., one may be struggling.

      11) Own yourself, your Flesh, your past, your mistakes, your actions, and your Word. Emotional and psychological ownership – especially of your baggage – is a prerequisite for total self-ownership. Let your Deeds speak for themselves, while emulating Your Word. Take joy in simple labors like carpentry, fishing, and wine-making, while pondering christosis, martyrdom, the labors of the Christ throughout his life, and the role of God as architect or gardener. Emanate what you emulate. Own your Word, keep your Word, and may your Deeds become Word-Made-Flesh. Grow the biogenetic tapestry, and bring Spirit back into Flesh.

      12) Be prepared, at all times, to present identification as well as several forms attesting to your body's (i.e., state-owned flesh-bag^TM, a/k/a yana) privilege to travel and work, to any and all individuals claiming to be persons of authority. Surrender your body as requested; you'll get your body back eventually. It may be full of holes when you go pick up the stuff you had on you when you got arrested, but you'll get it back one way or another.

      You must be careful and decisive about what to own, and whom you may be attempting to own. Sometimes we call our possessions “mine”, as in “my parent”, “my friend”, “my lover”, etc.. However, in lending credence to this subject / object blending, you risk ignoring the other's “ownership” of yourself in similar relation. Once again, I use the term “the other” lightly, for as Jimi Hendrix asked, “Have you ever been experienced?” It's apparent that your parent should not be apprehensive at preparations for reparations through becoming more than mere apparitions. Don't be possessive, and don't possess people; not in the ghostly way, not in the regular way.

      Your possessions must not define you, for definition means limitation, and framing. Do you want your possessions to frame you? Huh? Do you want to get framed? You wanna be Roger Rabbit? Huh!? Answer me! Oh wait, I forgot, I'm just some words on a piece of paper (just like you, your body, your house, your family, your money, your heart, and your fingerprints, and your DNA). I have no power over you; just like you! Just like your possessions shouldn't.

      But shudder, for your ritual object magick is too weak (and American) to fight mere paper and words. The solution: throw The Rock into the gears, or else throw scissors and cut down the marionette! I don't tell you how to run your puppet show, don't tell me how to do my card tricks. Don't let your possessions keep you in your place.

      Anyway, your cat barely even has time to properly “own you”, it's busy on the catwalk modeling hats and doing witch shit with Cat Fabio (our Lord and Savior, the Sphinx among Sphinxes). It's also worth noting that planned obsolescence is pretty darn anti- Feng Shui. Remember, you can 3-D print any shape out of any kind of animal connective tissue you want. If that doesn't help the Gypsy read the chicken bones, I don't know what Will. So throw them bones down, Hoodoo Man, Lucy-fer's got some articulation to do! Cast a lot, and cast alot!

      Don't blame yourself for not knowing how to properly Feng Shui the eggs; it doesn't take a properly seated Carlos Castaneda to know that eggs are to be organized half-function (for balance), and half-form (for zazz). Eggs also belong on anthills, provided that you're “In the Mood”. For more information, ask your local friendly neighborhood Romanian. If you put all your eggs in one basket, you're gonna have a shitty Easter. And Jesus had a shitty Easter weekend so that we don't have to.

      It's natural to feel like a many-armed elephant-god, or the demiurge at the center of the planet, when you're so quickly sorting the items that your nameless saint friend salvaged from the dumpster. Repent, for you knew his Name; from the womb (as if from within Elizabeth), and in the deep forests of Psyche where alone one may find The Eternal. Also, he definitely did drug you that one time you were wondering whether he drugged you. But he helped you move in and do interior design, and he never crossed the line of stockings on the floor!
     You know that the Pharaoh within you will recognize his possessions once he wakes up; you know how to Mark them. You read Exodus. Remember, the voices aren't real – especially the one coming from over your left shoulder - and the most consciousness-expanding time of your life never needs to happen again. All you have to do is learn to lock your shit up properly. Lock that shit up in your head.

      Radically reclaim your property in the name of freedom to burn Eostre candles and gum resins. If you must take property, then be the sarcophagus, be the crypt, be the catacombs, be the pyramid. Your zoning laws fuck with your right to conduct religious services in your residence because your zoning laws are man-made, fallible, and impure. Practice fucking with your locks, but be extra careful not to accidentally lock yourself out of “your own” house. Bring Yobhel back; immanentize the eschaton and all that jazz. Be Mutualist Landlord Jesus.

      Don't stop bringing trash into the house and looking through it for fetishes though. You were supposed to hang onto that “Trust No One” ring, by the way, you weren't supposed to give it to the first cute barista whose name started with “A”. That's not the kind of fetish I'm talking about. I mean the damn shamanic and anthropological definition of “fetish”, get your head out of the gutter.

      Rest (and rest well) assured (and rest well-assured) that the ring and the barista will lie in your abode, each in “its” own proper place and position. The point, I guess, is that “We must own ourselves, or we must bone ourselves”. You don't have to be a Feng Shui master - or watch The Fifth Element or read The Joy Luck Club or any shit like that - to acknowledge that You Know Where the Bone Goes, and You Know Where the Wood Goes in the room. So go be a khlyst, take up thy rod and Walk.

      You must not allow your name to name you, nor to own you. Don't say your name out loud to anyone, and don't let anyone hang a sign on you; you will recognize them by how they call you. Whether and how we name one another act as both talismans and shibboleths. See the Forest for the trees, and don't confuse the map with the territory. While Matti told us “Although it is not your name, you are naméd it”, names name you not.

      You will see not only the Forest but also the Garden in the cryptic mirror triptych. If you can't see yourself in that, I don't know what you can see yourself in. Try as we may, spare the “final end” (and I use that term lightly), we may never shed our subjectivity nor our objectivity. Each of these is but one of our properties (and this time I mean “properties” in the strictest sense of the word). As we are felt, so too do we feel. Lo, for is it not (basically) said that a Fish is worth His weight in gold? Is the Fish's blood not the true medium of exchange (or at least the medium of exchange for all human sin)?
      If that which makes a resource suitable for use as a currency is the scarcity of the material of which it is made, then is it not the scarcity and rarity of the individual human being which make us suitable to serve as the most heavily traded item, and a currency, at once? You get where I'm going with this.

      Non-magicians (commonly referred to as Muggles) struggle to comprehend these complex psycho-shamanics (not to be understood as psychosomatic nor psychosemantics), nor the psychopomp and circumstance (not to be understood in general). They are to be explained Gnosis, introduced to L-rd Alan Watts, and informed that good psychiatry resembles shamanism more than it resembles slipping someone a Mickey. "Psychopomp and Circumstance"; there's a Song that's Truly unowned!

      Keep Me in mind and heart, and heed Me. I wrote the flesh-made-Word on your heart in the very Beginning. The real Gospel is right there at (and in) your fingertips. Own your body as you own my letter to you, which millennia ago I carved on your flesh when I wrote your name in the Book of Life, and which you carry with you as soul-you carries flesh-you around like a vehicle from life to life. If you don't come to find Me, I will set out to find you; but I cannot come in unless I Am invited.

      Read it carefully, and I will never abandon you. Come keep sparrows with Me. Together we shall find whether we are, indeed, our sparrows' keepers. But take seriously the decision as to whether to become an angel; angels must submit to G-d and the Word, becoming Gaia's property in the process. Don't even try living before you've decided whether what you really want out of life is to possess, to self-own, or to spend your life enslaved to deity.

      Pick your Tree wisely, and don't choose the Cup of Wisdom poorly. To know the Deep Truth (not to be confused with the Deep State) of this, you must own and keep your Word, know that an angel is a messenger, read a list of titles of books by Marshall McLuhan, and then watch Angels in the Outfield. I mean, don't shoot The Messenger, really.

      In conclusion, please read my blog, it's written on a scroll of sheepskin, nailed to a million-year-old Tree – made of, and into, the True Cross – deep within the Gardened Forest of the human soul, in the Garish Land of the Garland and the Garlic-Laden Calf, within the a-maze-ingly labyrinthine fingerprint of genetic creation, buried next to our hopes and dreams of eternity, yet patiently waiting to be exhumed so it can burst forth from the impenetrable, synthetic cloud of nearly primordial mental fog that is “civilized” Babylon, and reclaim what has been snuck from out its grave; from its rightful place at the foot of its master.

      Nah, I'm totally fucking with you.

      But for real though.

      This has been a satirical piece.

Written Between June 14^th and 16^th, 2017

Edited on June 18th and 22nd, and September 14th, 2017