Eighty-Four Religious Texts Not Included in the King James Version of the Bible (Incomplete)

     I have compiled this list of antilegomena, Apocrypha and pseudepigrapha, so as to include:

     1) texts which were omitted from the King James Bible (i.e., the "normal books" of the Bible, or homologoumena, or anagignoskomena),
     2) texts which pertain to hermetic Christian and Jewish religious tradition but were never considered for inclusion in that Bible,
     3) other hermetic texts which could, just as well, have been included in the Bible, if the texts in #2 had been included, and
     4) books which are accepted as parts of the Bible by certain sects of Christianity, but not by others.

     The term pseudepigrapha refers to texts which are not formally considered to be considered part of accepted scripture; and/or to texts, the genuineness of whose origin, is doubtful. The term Apocrypha refers to probably falsely attributed texts composed by Christian patriarchs around the year 200 C.E.. The Roman Catholic Church calls the Apocrypha "Deuterocanonical Books".

     Due to my limited knowledge on this subject, I cannot include any more information than I include below. If I knew more, I would at least make a note as to whether these texts exist in the first place. Some do, and some don't; while (I would suspect) others exist in part, and there are disputes about others.

     I have organized this list as close to chronological order as I am aware. I'm positive that it's not correct, because I have not looked at any specific information estimating how long ago these texts originated.

     What follows is a list of hermetic Jewish and Christian texts, which would have been in the Old and New Testaments had they been included in the Bible. I have also included a short list of books which are likely to have much more information on these subjects.

     If I accidentally included a text that is in the K.J.V., then (at least I hope) it is probably a text that is still worth inclusion here, because it is not in all Bibles (and is accepted as part of the Bible by some Christian traditions or sects, but not by others).
     I would like to have included texts from Islam, and from non-Abrahamic religions and traditions (as well as texts regarding the Babylonian Talmud and Jerusalem Talmud), but those topics will have to lie beyond the scope of this article.

     You can find out more about hermetic religious topics by visiting the following link:
    http://aquarianagrarian.blogspot.com/2019/03/sixty-one-topics-in-esoteric-and.html

     And watch these videos to learn some background on pseudepigrapha and Apocrypha:
     http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=srQcM0UrFkg
     http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VsCOLR7lCgs

     Please feel free to comment below, or email me at jwkopsick@gmail.com, if you have any comments or questions on these subjects; or any suggestions as to how to correct the chronological order of the texts. I would appreciate it if readers would share any links to reliable information about the origin of scriptural texts, whether included in the K.J.V. (King James Version) or not.
     

Old Testament Era

1. The Dead Sea Scrolls
      (including the Damascus Document / Cairo Damascus document / Damascus Rule;
          http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Damascus_Document)

2. The texts of the Nag Hammadi Library
     (Note: These include:
          - "The Thunder, Perfect Mind", edited by George McRae;
          - "The Gospel of Truth" (which tells of Jesus as not a created being);
          - "The Gospel of Philip")

3. The Story of Lilith
     (Note: This is a sort of prologue to the Book of Genesis, which is included in some Jewish Bibles)

4. 1st, 2nd, and 3rd Books of Enoch

5. The Book of Knowledge / The Key of Enoch

6. "The Sixth and Seventh Books of Moses"

7. Kaballah
     (Note: Kaballah is not a single book, but a set of texts which includes The Zohar, and texts regarding the Hebrew gematria.)

8. The Book of Lamech

9. Twelve Patriarchs

10. Prayer of Joseph

11. Eldad and Modad

12. Testament of Moses

13. Assumption of Moses

14. Psalms of Solomon / Song of Solomon / Book of Wisdom

15. Apocalypse of Elijah

16. Ascension of Elijah

17. Apocalypse of Zephaniah

18. Apocalypse of Zechariah

19. Apocalyptic Ezra

20. 1st and 2nd Books of Esdras

21. The Songs of the Three Holy Children

22. The History of Susana

23. "Bel and the Dragon"

24. The Prayer for Manasses

25. The Book of Ezekiel

26. The Book of Proverbs






Apocrypha / Deuterocanonical Books
     (Between the Old and New Testament eras; included in the Septuagint)
     http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UeVz-yvX39o

27. The Book of Tobit

28. The Book of Judith

29. The Book of Baruch / "Baruch, with the Epistle Jeremy"

30. The Wisdom of Solomon / The Book of Wisdom
     http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Book_of_Wisdom

31. Sirach / Wisdom of Sirach / The Book of Sirach / the Book of Ecclesiasticus
     (The Book of the All-Virtuous Wisdom of Yeshua ben Sira
     http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sirach

32. 1st and 2nd Books of Maccabees

33. The Book of Daniel

34. The Book of Esther
     (remnants exist, one reason for exclusion is that it doesn't use the name of G-d)

New Testament Era

35. The Book of Jude (includes quotes from the Book of Enoch)

36. The Gospel of the Hebrews / The Gospel of the Nazarenes (might not exist)

37. The Gospel According to Jesus

38. The Gospel of Judas

39. The Gospel of Thomas / The Gospel of Thomas Didymus (or Didymos, or Didymos Judas)
     (Note: There may be more than one books of Thomas. Also, the Gospel of Thomas could not possibly have been written by Thomas.)

40. Gospel of Thomas, Son of Jesus

41. Rumored gospels of Christ, consisting of testimony by any of the "brothers" of Jesus named in the Book of Mark and the Book of Matthew.
     (Note: In those gospels, the brothers of Jesus - whether this means metaphorical brothers or actual blood siblings - include James, Joses/Joseph, Judas, Simon, and several unnamed sisters.)

42. Rumored gospels supposedly written by a twin brother of Jesus.
     (Note: Such a text, if it exists, may or may not be the same as one or more of the texts described in #39 and #41, above. Also, texts supposedly exist which further claim that a brother of Jesus - maybe even an identical twin brother - took Jesus's place on the cross, while the real Jesus went to Asia and learned about Eastern religions, including Buddhism, and maybe even martial arts.

43. Rumored texts alleging that Jesus turned water to wine by swallowing grapes and water, and using his own vomit to ferment the grapes and water into wine.
     (Note: I was told that the book The Bible As History discusses this possibility.)

44. Rumored texts alleging that Jesus killed another child when they were both young boys.

45. The Gospel of Mary, Mother of Jesus
     (Note: A text called the Gospel of Mary may be the testimony of the mother of Jesus or Mary Magdalene. Also, if gospels of Mary Mother of Jesus exist, there may be more than one of them.)

46. The Gospel of Mary Magdalene
     (Note: if the Gospel of Mary is the testimony of Jesus's mother, then it is less likely that the Gospel of Mary Magdalene exists, but still not impossible that a separate Gospel of Mary Magdalene exists, nonetheless.)

47. The Gospel of Peter
     (which tells of Jesus's mother Mary as remaining a virgin throughout her life)

48. I and II Peter / The First and Second Books of Peter / The 1st and 2nd Epistles of Peter
     (the author of the second book is almost certainly not Peter, however)
     http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/First_Epistle_of_Peter

49. The Apocalypse of Peter

50-55. The Galasian Decree, incl.
     50. Acts of Peter
     51. Acts of Philip
     52. Gospel of Matthias
     53. Gospel According to Barnabas (no texts may exist, but Epistle of Barnabas is a relevant text)
          http://depts.drew.edu/jhc/Blackhirst_Barnabas.html

     54. Gospel of Peter the Apostle

     55. Gospel of James the Less (which is probably the same thing as The Protoevangelium of James / The Infancy Gospel of James)

56. The History of James

     (Note: may or may not be the same as #41 &/or #55.)

57. The Didache

58. The Itinerary and Teaching of the Apostles

59. The Epistle of Barnabas

60. Acts of Paul

61. Apocalypse of Paul

62. Didascalia of Clement / Teachings of Clement / Ordinances of the Holy Apostles Through Clement / The Apostolic Constitutions

63. Didascalia of Ignatius / Teachings of Ignatius

64. Didascalia of Polycarp / Teachings of Polycarp







After New Testament Era, incl. 1st-4th Centuries and Renaissance Era

65. The Testaments of the Twelve Patriarchs
     http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Testaments_of_the_Twelve_Patriarchs

66. The Apocryphon of John / The Secret Book of John
     http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Apocryphon_of_John

67. The Book of Revelation / The Revelation to John / The Apocalypse of John / The Revelation of Jesus Christ

68. The First, Second, and Third Epistles of John

69. The Book of Jubilees

70. The Pseudo-Clementine Pieces (incl. Paul's Letters)

71. The Hermetica / The Corpus Hermeticum
     (Note: These texts are Egyptian-Greek texts from the 2nd century C.E., are attributed to Hermes Trimegistus ("Thrice-Great Hermes"), and include 18 chapters. Among these are the Emerald Tablet (also known as the Emerald Tablet of Thoth, the Smaragdine Tablet, and Tabula Smaragdina), and The Discourses of Isis to Horus.
     There is also a book called The Kybalion, claimed to be written under influence of Hermes Trimegistus, which was published in 1908: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Kybalion.)

72-74. The Three Rosicrucian Manifestos, incl.
          72. Fama Fraternatis (Rosae Crucis [oder Die Bruderschaft des Ordens der Rosenkreuzer])
          73. The Confessio (Fraternatis) / Confessio oder Bekenntnis der Societat und Bruderschaft                     Rosenkreuz)
          74. The Chymical Wedding of Christian Rosenkreutz

75. The Book of Mormon
     (book of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints)





Alternative Bibles, and Modern Books, Containing Sets of Scriptural Texts
Which are Significantly Different from the King James Version of the Bible

76. "The Jefferson Bible" (The Moral Teachings of Jesus of Nazareth by Thomas Jefferson)

77. The Aitken Bible (early American Bible)

78. The Bible As History

79. The Pre-Nicene New Testament: Fifty-Four Formative Texts

80. "The List of Sixty" (books; from the 7th century C.E.)
     http://depts.drew.edu/jhc/Blackhirst_Barnabas.html
     http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Apocrypha#List_of_Sixty

81. The Coptic Bible (which contains 109 or 111 books, including the Pistis Sophia, and The Gospel of Truth)
     http://gnosis.org/library/pistis-sophia/index.htm
     http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gospel_of_Truth

82. The Ethiopian Bible

83. The Catholic Bible

84. The Orthodox Bible





     This is only a partial list. Please see the following links to learn more.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Deuterocanonical_books
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Gospels
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Biblical_apocrypha

Compiled in 2018 and early 2019

Published on March 22nd, 2019

Edited and Expanded on April 18th and 30th, 2019,

and January 17th, 2021

Ascetic Austerity: Demurrage is the Demiurge, by Jack Sampson

     Yes, Eye confess! I hath killed J.C. Meyers.

     Granted, I understand where J.C. Meyers is cumming from. Eye no how it feels to stand corrected by Dirt. It happens to me all the Time.

     Being made to feel lower than Dirt is no more contemptible than pointing out that we are all the moistened, aerated, speaking soil, and that, as from ashes and dust we come, so to ashes and dust we go. All Must Serve the Cycle®.

     But She Who Threw a Binder at Me^TM can never be forgiven. As I have killed J.C. Meyers before, so shall I kill her again, and $ave you heathens from her treachery.

     At Issues magazine, we appeal to a F.I.R.E. authority (that is, Finance, Insurance, and Real Estate). We invoke the gods of $alvation by building our church upon the fire-proof rock. And upon that which penetrates the rock, too; that saber of interrogating, golden-plating, all-Americating Light – once golden, once red - that cauterizes while it cuts, and witch we have all cum to know and glove so well.

     And through the whole of that rock, we shall ©. But you've heard all that before.

     What ye have knot yet heard, though, is how to fasten this hole tapestry together, by building upon this fire-proof rock not only our church, but our homes. For, just as all must either serve or be served – just as we shall submit to God, by killing God, by killing the god within ourselves, by killing ourselves – the F.I.R.E. authority must be submitted-to through (and hence overcome by) that same Hegelian sublation.

     This is to say that when we refuse to recognize that God has resolved not to stop us should we decide to usurp His throne, we build our homes and our churches (that is, our lives and our beliefs) out of flammable materials. Which creates an artificial need for fire insurance. All the insurance companies in the world could never insure against the wages of sin we will experience in Hell!

     Although this may sound like a statement assuring death, this is actually why it is within the reach – of any of us – to live forever, to judge all of mankind! Judge this notion if ye may, but if ye do, know that ye be judging as if ye thunk ye be but a god. Judgment of human value is necessary for a well-ordered civilization. At some level of the pyramid, each must serve.

     And that is why we all must starve ourselves to death.

     This program I call “Ascetic Austerity”.

     Just as I previously recommended saving money by eating less, and by eating parts of your own body, I now aim to advance a more general theory of shamanomics. This method of attaining financial and spiritual $aving$ simultaneously will help the Order of Celestial Integration and its members achieve moksha. And also to kill God.

     Did I mention that we're cutting your tithe to the low, low rate of 9.99%? This is the lowest tithe ever offered; not only in the history of the Order, but of mankind. It's not even strictly a tithe anymore, so We don't know how long we'll be able to continue this offer. So (Book of) Act(s) now, 4 this is a once-in-a-deathtime opPORTunity! We'd love to ti(th)e you off, so cum except the invocation!

     Before we 4get, Issues would like to remind its readers that SHAVINGS IS $AVING$. Did ewe no that 33.3% of what you remove when you shave is skin cells? And that includes little dried pieces of blood. But God does knot intend to waste those blood cells! EVERY HUMAN SELL IS PRE¢IOU$; read John 6:12. Sew please, SEND US YOUR BLOOD - or at least the surplus, which you are not planning to immolate - to 824 N. Howell St., Rocky Mount, North Carolina, 27803, c/o Commodity Fetish Records.

     We promise that your efforts will knot be in vein.

     As I have elaborynthmaieuticated* in previous particles, part of the key to our $alvation is to overcome currency; just as Christ overcame death (and – lo – just as my dick over-came at your mom's house). And that means “Coins-On-The-Temple-Floor” -level savings for ewe!

     What this means, once again, is that we must replace all money and currency with either YIC (Yap Island stone Coins), some variant thereof, or BSTS (BloodCoin-SweatCoin-TearCoin-ShitCoin). That is, unless we are serious about implementing my Crypto-Oracle plan.

     Let's face it, most people have a soul, and most people have a Madonna single on compact disc in their home. And if you don't have one, then you have the other. It only takes a split-second to ask yourself why this fact does not virtually guarantee a fail-safe, free-floating, competitive, dual currency system.

     Yes, Crypto-Oracles are people. Just be glad you don't have to eat them. We here at Issues would never ask you to eat an artist; the industry eats them alive well enough as it is. You only have to ingest the artists' pre¢iou$ bodily fluids.

     For oracles are specially protected by our prayers, and by the Wall. Oracles are minor gods, and have access to portals to other dimensions about which we, their audience, know nothing. Just like the martyrs, they are more like real gods than the real gods, for we have proof of their existence, and they veritably died for our sins. Even if our gods and saviors are made-up, and never died in the first place, then we still have the martyrs and the saints as proof that humans can behave divinely. In a way, martyrs are a greater proof of God's existence than any savior could ever be.

     The only problem remaining to be solved is what to do given the intrinsic worthlessness of both the human soul and the Madonna single. Fortunately, that is where shamanomics comes in.

     That's right, I'm proposing auto-sarcophagic (self-eating) taxation.

     Why, you ask? It is only through seeing the snake-eyed dice of immortality floating like a magic 8-ball in the grimacing eye of Ouroborus, that we may be revealed the divine $e¢ret$ of “Tack-Say-Shun”. If Ewe say something bad about taxation, they'll shun Ewe, and then they'll at-tack Ewe, and tack Ewe up onto something.

     Unlike the divine Bush through witch God revealed Herself (some call this Bush “Kathy”), our efforts must give of ourselves. We must consume, while being consumed. As our souls burn with passion, we must allow that fire to consume us. After all, one man's insatiable quest that ends up killing him, is another man's free white whale ride!

     As Bukowski said, find what you love and let it kill you. Aren't humans and God just doing that do each other? Think of death as a love-hug. You can't overthrow God unless you disobey His commandment to not cling to loving one's hatred. You can't disappoint Richard Nixon unless you learn to hate your enemy just as much as he hates Ewe.

     This is why – or how, I forget – we will implement auto-sarcophagic taxation, and enforce Ascetic Austerity. Or else austere at you until you agree with me. Forsooth, we must envelop ourselves in a crystalline chrysalistic sarcophagus for our Christ crisis – a sort of womb-tomb – in order to devour ourselves through the self-flagellating taxation of our essences for prophet.

     We must allow the Order to continue to acquire new lands, tax-free. The Tithe Cut and the FloorCoin fund Will pay for it (because I Will It!^TM).

     I mean, how else are today's edgy teens going to learn to dab, plank, nae-nae, t-pose and flex, so that they can go on yeeting in a spainging economy? By becoming Crypto-Oracles, of course! Not only this, but I also plan to implement a Voucher Program to supplement the Crypto-Oracle plan.

Simply put, we are eliminating all currency – even C.F.R.-issued 999 Economic Unit notes (though only as a temporary measure) – in order to usher in an experimental, moneyless intentional society.

     What this will involve, is finding artists, designating them Crypto-Oracles (which, to refresh your memory, is a crypto-numerological-magick-based device which generates divine symbols and domain names, and, eventually, the One True Name of God^TM), and issuing a promise that any Crypto-Oracle can opt to ask the Order to provide them with the skills necessary to become a voucher.

     What this means for Ewe, is that if Ewe are in need of anything, then one of our vouchers will come to your location, and vouch four you. If anyone refuses to give you something you need, based on the fact that the piece of paper you're trying to give them for it has the wrong set of numbers or the wrong dead man's face on it, then you can call one of our vouchers, and they'll show up and kick the ass (read: donkey) of whomever is fucking with you.

     After all, Ewe wouldn't want to cause a fasces faux pas, and get Coins On the Temple Floor^®! For using standing armies to guard warehouses full of resources witch we need to survive, against the people whose needs give those goods all value, is the root of all evil. I mean value.

Time Money Moon Value.

     ...Yeah.

     Any weigh, the Oracle al0ne – especially while acting as The Holy Voucher – may proffer us the AURA-CLEAR^TM-ing clarity of meaning which comes through $alvifi¢ $alvation®. Only the Oracle extends this holey hand to us. As Christ puts His hand over the wound in His side, we must extend a finger into Him as our holy indulgence.

     Remember that DEMURRAGE IS THE DEMIURGE. Money burning a whole in your pocket is the main driver and motivator of all mortal action, and the cause (and collateral) of all investment.

     Which prayer does a Christian duck say when he is required to render his feathers for a place to stay? “And Now I Pay Me Down to Sleep”. The lesson of this is that the only weigh to pay down our debt, and the only weigh to make our hearts lighter than a feather, is to give of our own flesh, and to be taxed out of our own bodies.

     While usury is a fee paid for the privilege of using money, demurrage is a rent paid for the privilege of keeping money. The difference is eons apart! That's why to save money is as useless as it is to save a human being; just like currency, human beings are not meant to be saved, they are Meant 2 B Spent^TM. That is, spent, through difficult labor; through hard, taxing work. Spent, before they lose value. TMMV (pbuh).

     For all we know, it's clinging to salvation that keeps us attached to this world, and stops our souls from transcending.

     Think!: Whose money is in your pocket? Whose face is on it? Give it back to him. Lay it on his grave if you have to. It is better to have to draw only Muhammad, than to have to draw a Lot. Paying interest on your money is the only way to - as the great Grey the Grey deGrey the Great taught us - “show an interest in what you save, show an interest in who you save”.

     And so, verily, I say unto thee: doest thou a thing!

     For God does not close a window without opening a million other tabs.

     * = elaborynthmaieuticate (verb): 1. To act as both an “intellectual midwife” (or “maieutic doula”) and a “maze tour guide” at once; to elaborate and explain, in order to assist in the expression or birth of a thought, as if guiding that thought through a labyrinth.

Written and Originally Published on September 18^th, 2018

Appeared in the October 2018 edition of Issues magazine

How to Know God Through Investing in Memes, by Jack Sampson

     In Deuteronomy 20:4-5, God tells the Israelites, “Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them, for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous god...”.

     Blah-blah-fucking-blah, right?

     And Gracie Allen once said, “Never place a period where God has placed a comma.” But what about an ellipsis? You know, for brevity's sake? You're not supposed to start a sentence with the word “and” either, yet God does it all the time. What's up with that?

     Anyway, the point is, fuck both of these people. Value can be neither communicated nor represented without brevity and idolatry. Both of these things are needed to secure, and securitize, our sacred (in)vestments.

     It's not every homebum who has his own copy of Neil Young's secret spirit-cooking recipe book written in magick disappearing ink that only hobos can see. So, needless to say, such a book would not suffice as a currency. But fortunately, most of us have a Bible, which will make a satisfactory substitute for “the Neil thing” in a pinch, if need be. Remember, you're never poor if you have a Bible; you at least have some kindling.

     However, that's not how things have always been. During the Middle Ages, the average commoner had no clue that you could toast some butter and cinnamon on white bread and have it taste good, or that you could smoke a mixture of brown sugar and table salt and get high off it. But in the mid- 15^th century, all that changed, with the development of the printing press, the Gutenberg Bible, and the first memes (illuminated manuscripts).

     At a time when the vast majority of society's efforts were focused on assisting kings and the Church to acquire land, learning to read and higher education were not considered priorities, because they did not further that goal. As a result, virtually all education was done by and through the church; and with it, nearly all culture, and all communication, whether written, lyrical, musical, or symbolic.

     Sure, the Church had every honest intention of purifying people's brains, to save them from Satan's attempts to dirty their minds. They just wanted to save time doing it, so that they could have time left-over to do some other $uper-$ecret $hit^TM behind the scenes! So they developed the illuminated manuscript, and – lo – the maymays within it, to summarize the Word of God.

     But instead of putting some periods where God put commas (so to speak), they made a whole a whole fucking Georges Seurat painting out of all the pointillisms hwich their God hath made, and they hath condensed it down to one pointeth at a time. Thus, the Illuminati'd Man-uscript (which later became part of the apocryphal text the Book of Memes) allowed the priestly class to explain – one image (or idol) at a time – what the Bible was saying, and why it meant that you had to suck they're dick.

     And what is the use of a book without pictures?

     Thus, the need for church-approved symbolic communication grew out of the church's restrictions upon the manners in which the divinity of God can be acceptably communicated. But so did the need for non-church-approved symbols. Which of course, led to people converting to religions which accepted idolatry. Additionally, it led to people developing their own mystery schools, which more even more enthusiastic in their embrace of using symbols to communicate divinity. Sigil magick, after all, is a much better way to represent and communicate the divine, than a cult leader thought to be infallible.

     If you think about it, anything could be considered “idolatry” or a “graven image” if you interpret the word too loosely. The Hebrew word pesel refers to anything engraved in stone or cut into wood. So, then, why should these rules apply to two-dimensional images, like paper Bibles, and memes “hewn” of dank electron fire? Moreover, written music isn't a graven image, so why is it banned under the same precepts? Is dance a “graven image” simply because we are three-dimensional creatures? I mean, it's not as if each of us is chiseled independently by God Himself, in His own image.

     So why all the fuss? Why should the ordinary viking-hat-wearing rapper be discouraged from donning gaudy gold and precious gems, when He believes that to be the only or best way to signify His own personal divinity (which, to Him, might be the only divinity that matters)!? God doesn't discourage anyone!

     And this is why we must invest in memes. For, just as their Father in Meme Heaven, each meme was created in the personal image and likeness of the original meme – “The Source” – the illuminated manuscript. Memes; Not Man. And that is why no meme has ever lost redemption value (this is to say that no meme has ever lost its ability to redeem us).

     And that is why the Holy Spirit supports a meme-based currency. The Holy Spirit is the top trends forecaster in America, and believe ewe me, He has never gotten this shit wrong. So invest in memes! about Jesus in jail, and memes about sucking your own dick.

     Heavens, double your money! Invest in memes about Jesus sucking his own dick while in jail! Or go to religion generator dot com or some shit, and make a meme-slash-cult-slash-currency that portrays Adam as wanting his rib removed so that he could suk his own dik like Marilyn Manson.

     There's nothing in that story that conflicts with the creation “myth” of Nut nutting in the Nile, like a crocodile. I mean, how else are we going to teach the plebeians about the ouroboric self-destructive cycle of death and rebirth- I mean sin and redemption- I mean sin?

     You know what I mean. Just give us your money.

     Tractor memes are so 5777 anyway.

Originally Written and Published on August 16th, 2018

Coping with a Faith-Based Currency: A Guide for the Uninitiated

     In February 2018, The Zambian Observer published an article entitled “Witches and Wizards Are Very Important to the Development of Our Economy – Prof[essor] Luo”. According to the article, Nkandu Luo, a professor and Higher Education Minister in Zambia, said that her country ought to utilize “witchcraft technology” to aid the development of the nation.

     Luo has suggested that witchcraft technology could be used to help Zambians become capable of “travelling long distances within seconds”. She has reportedly called on scientists to “consider conducting research and the study of witchcraft as a science that can be used productively for the benefit of the country”, commenting “I could not help but think of witchcraft when I saw a mobile phone put into a box and it turned into a lady's pant!”

     Fortunately for us in the Western world, we have our own “witchcraft technology” that allows us to travel long distances within seconds, and helps us turn a cell phone into a lady's pant... it's called a cell phone!

     Nevertheless, Professor Luo is to be commended for her attention to the need to increase research on witchcraft as a science. Of course, witchcraft needs to be explored not only as a physical science, but also as an economic science. That's because, as an innately spiritual science, witchcraft studies have applications and ramifications which lie far outside the realm of the mere mortal, material, and infrastructural.

     Simply put, a voodoo economics must necessarily have a proper voodoo microeconomics and a voodoo macroeconomics to go with it. … The new ritual is gonna help with the corn.

     And that is the purpose of this article; to help explain to you – the muggle – how to budget your moon-perusal-time-labor-mountain-hour-value responsibly, so that you can avoid putting too much of your retirement funds on over-comprehensively packaged Petrodollar-Weapondollar-Coalition-backed blood-sweat-tears dollars derivatives (PWC-USD-BST), and start putting too much of your retirement savings into living forever!

     It's fine to think of your retirement as a basket full of “nest eggs”, but it's better to think of it as a vampire's bed. It's a casket, not a basket!^TM Planning to retire is planning to fail. Hey, maybe we would live a little longer if the money that pays for our medical needs weren't covered in toxic chemicals!

     Once you've finished summoning the dæmon or angel of your choice- oops! Did I forget to mention that that's what you were supposed to be doing while reading the previous article? Oh well. That's just how chaos magick goes sometimes; you don't know what you've summoned until the angel is standing over your left shoulder reading this... Oh hey, how's it goin'!?... Look what you made me do!

     Anyway, one moment you're fastening a candelabra onto your wall, the next thing you know, you're reading upside-down and summoning the ghost of Aaron Spelling so you can spell the word you're spelling correctly while you cast a spell with the word that you're spelling. It happened to Xzibit, it can happen to any one of us. Let your freak Frigg fly.

     As soon as you let the angel (a category which technically encompasses all dæmons, in addition to cherubim and other choirs) help you finish your interior decorating scheme, you are ready to take the steps necessary to start using the fad currency of this month, which I have decided is a tiny clone of Jesus Christ that fits in your pocket, and writes down all the transactions that you complete using Him into the Book of Life forever and ever, Amen.

     And this clone of Jesus, His Name shall be called The Bread of Life^TM. You know that 150-year-old sourdough bread in San Francisco that keeps expanding, and they keep cutting little hunks of sourdough bread off of it, and then bake it so they can sell it to people? That is what the Kingdom of Heaven is like. The life in your loaf is not diminished by the Wheat in your Feet.

Although I have explained at great length in the previous articles why Jesus Christ makes a nearly perfect currency, to paraphrase John: “there are also many other things which Jesus did, the which, if they should be written every one, I suppose that even the world itself could not contain the economics books that should be written.”

     For Jesus hath paid all our taxes, the rent, and even picked up the check at the Last Supper, by paying His life, otherwise valued at but thirty pieces of silver. This is why self-sacrifice is the basis of prudent investment. This is, truly, the Greatest Story Ever Sold! It's called the “Bible”, it tells you what to buy right in the name! For God's omnipotence is so great that it defies all logic; He is so all-powerful that even He could never make a dinner check so big that He himself could not pick it up.

     Only a mortal asshole like one of us could fuck up so bad that it throws a god off the course of His day. God's fuckups cost us money, but our fuckups cost God money (Isaiah 53:5). So if you don't use a currency that keeps current with what God wants, then you're not going to be able to pay God the specific type of money he said to leave in the knotted Tree of Life in the park at midnight if you ever want to see His Sun again.

     That is why I'd like to share with you the Gospel of Christ Socialist, and accept Jesus Christ as your Lord, Savior, and currency. I mean, if Jesus Christ is not a major credit card, then why is He accepted everywhere? This is the illusory nature of God.

     The wages of sin is death. Christ died, you save! Christ's savings get “passed on” (no pun intended) to you.

     A debt that is forgiven, is considered paid. Through Christ, all is forgiven; the rent, what you owe for your food, your taxes, all of it. That means all is paid; you don't even owe anyone your blood. Any blood you give will be of your own volition. Send your blood now to Commodity Fetish Records, and receive a free permit to commit the sin of your choice! Think of it as a self-Indulgence, a Get-Out-of-Inquisition-Free Card.

     You can't be saved without God's blood, and you can't be fiscally responsible unless you take matters into your own Hands, so if God won't allow His blood to be shed, then you've got to take that blood, and get your money back! Do you have any idea how valuable the blood of Christ (also known as Divine Wine) is? Why, you could clone one of those little blood-cell donuts and make yourself a Jesus-clone with a donut-hole hand-piercing to sit in your pocket and keep your books all cosmic Day (1,000 Earth years) long!

     Even mortal blood makes an excellent currency, as I have explained. It's made of living tissue, so it's basically alive, and that means it's mobile and easily transportable. Much like Christ, blood and bloodshed are accepted everywhere (or, at least, everywhere that Christ is accepted). You can't have a currency unless it's covered in blood, and what's more covered in blood than blood itself?

     The answer is, of course, U.S. Dollars. But we must not crucify mankind on a cross of gold, nor a cross of paper. If we cannot use Go(l)d as our money, then the Word must suffice. For at least the Word is written on paper. But if our money is drenched with the Blood of Christ, then why should it be made of paper and cotton, when it could be made of paper and wool? Follow the Lamb.

     If we keep the Bible in our chest pockets, then we can keep God close to our hearts. But if we keep Jesus clones in our pants pockets, we can keep God close to our farts. For Jesus-clones, like Peter at the Gates of Dawn Heaven, are not just Living Blockchains, but Blockchains Who Never Died. Only Jesus and St. Peter know, with their Book of Life, who hath smelt it and who hath dealt it; who's been naughty and who's been nice. They are the Bookkeepers of Life, who taketh all bets.

     Yea, though God the Father be the only one who knoweth when to hold 'em and knoweth when to fold 'em, mortals may place any bet they please on when Olam Ha-Ba (the World to Come) will be nigh. All opposed, say “nigh”. The debts of the unrepentant sinners are the only debts left to be paid, and they must be paid in a Bill, so sayeth Bill Nigh the Christian Science Guy. But Benedictine Order now, and you can pipe-organ-ize your pockets with this limited-edition vest-pocket savior! Save your money, savior soul!

     Is your landlord harassing you for the rent? Well, unless Jesus is your landlord, just tell them that your rent has already been paid, because Jesus is your real landlord, and He has your rent covered... covered in blood, no less! That's the kind of true coverage that only a major credit card could offer. That's why the Body of Christ has been traded - from hand to hand, from prison to prison - for the last two-thousand-some-odd years. He never died; He went to Rome, to be crucified again! It's like the B-52s said: “Rome if you want to, Rome around the world.”

     But Jesus is stuck down in the Vatican vaults somewhere, chained up next to all the other Human Books, waiting for someone to look Him up in the RoloCodex. Yea, the Son of God is like a turtle or a hermit crab, carrying His Cross around – from life to life – as His only permanent home. This is God's mortgage to bear, literally meaning “death agreement”.

     A cross, by the way, makes an excellent long-term investment, because it serves as a mobile home; you can lay down on it even when you have nowhere to lay Your head.

     Don't get me wrong; we all want to “make money”. But remember that gun control slogan “Guns don't kill people, people kill people”? You don't “make money”; the Department of the Treasury does! “How can we make money?” Only with the blood of Jesus. Or with a communion wafer printing press.

     It is profoundly irrational, absurd, and naïve to think that you could “make” money that most other people would be willing to use. Just as it is absurd to imagine that you can truly earn or own a currency which is made by somebody else, has the name of a private company on it, and is covered with the faces of dead people. Shouldn't it be covered with your face? Or maybe, like... the blood of Jesus Christ (like, instead of the blood, sweat, and tears of the working taxpayer)? But hey, you can't make a currency omelet without breaking a couple of legs. A currency amulet, however, is a different story.

     The hole in our currency is like the holes in our souls. A currency with a hole in it, is one that can be chained up, and a currency that can be chained up can also be chained down. But on the other Hand^TM, a currency that can be chained up can also be easily transported. Of course, you can't make a necklace without something pierced to thread it through, and an angel that is not held in chains is free to disobey God.

     Being in chains may bring you sorrow, but if you've ever worked in meat processing, you know that some tasks require the worker's hands to be chained in order to prevent them from being accidentally cut off by giant slicing equipment. And who knows better about how to process and present an old chunk of flesh, and then act like they didn't play any role in butchering it, than the Catholic Church? Pews and graves have got to be filled.

     We must render unto Caesar's that which is Caesar's, and render unto God that which is God's. In Matthew and Mark, Jesus instructs his followers to examine whose face is on the coins they're using; it's the face of Tiberius Caesar.

     Is George Washington on your money? Send it back to George Washington. Is he dead? Drop it on his grave and make it rain! Is “Federal Reserve” on your money? Send it back to the Federal Reserve! They're the only ones who believe it has any value anyway. Jesus, though, couldn't come right out and say that, because no matter what He said on the topic, it would have been misinterpreted.

     See, it's not often explained that Jesus had a speech impediment, resulting from His snake-like triple-forked tongue. It was a mutation which rendered Him (what, in those days, was considered) a “cripple”. But just like Rudolph's red nose, this hideous deformity served a useful purpose to his peers: speaking three languages at once. The laughing and calling him names came later.

     Jesus' trilingualism - “a state of having three tongues” in denotation, but “a state of using three languages” in connotation - allowed Him to transmit three messages at once, to three different audiences (just like Hillary Clinton!). It's confusing to the novice believer, but if you can read between the two outermost of Jesus's three tongues, then when you read the Bible, you can read between the lines.

     Don't believe for a second that you can own a currency that lacks an image of your own face. As Man is made in the image of God, an image of the human face is an image – a representation - of the visage of God. And that is the true Mark of Value.

     Time-Money-Moon-Value.

     In Emperor we trust.

Written on March 15th, 2018