Originally Written and
Published in August or September 2014
Edited and Re-Posted on
November 7th, 2015
For the last two
decades, Connecticut-born comedian Doug Stanhope has travelled across
America performing his own brand of off-color and controversial, yet
thought-provoking, stand-up comedy.
Stanhope, who says the
best place for comedy is wherever the audience is the most miserable,
briefly considered running for president in 2008, and wore and sold
self-printed “Doug Stanhope for President” T-shirts, until he was
told that he could not campaign for president while performing
stand-up comedy.
At times, he has
instructed his audience members to “vote Libertarian”, and has
praised Ron Paul. For his video special “No Refunds”, he wore a
baseball uniform bearing the words “Stanhope” and “Libertarian”.
In 2013, Stanhope
debated Alex Jones on the broad topic of population control,
supporting what he calls “incentive-based eugenics”. Stanhope
supports the promotion of alternative sexual lifestyles as a way to
curb population growth. He is pro-choice, and once claimed to have
“solved abortion six years ago”.
Listening to Stanhope's
many comedy albums and bootlegs (of which there are several dozen),
one can glean the gist of Stanhope's political views. An avid
Stanhope fan myself, I cannot help but wonder, “What would a
political party founded on Stanhope's ideas look like?”
That's why I have
collected Stanhope's statements on alcohol, motor vehicles, tobacco,
drugs, sex, marriage, taxes, health, immigration, jobs, and currency,
and sorted them into a set of ten policy proposals, which together
make up the political platform of the hypothetical “Doug Stanhope
Caucus of the Libertarian Party”:
0. BASIC LAW: There are
to be only ten laws, aside from the Basic Law limiting the number of
laws to ten. Any time the people want a new law to be adopted and
enacted, an old law must be abolished, and its enforcement ceased.
1. ALCOHOL AND MOTOR
VEHICLES: Create a personalized “blood
alcohol level driving test” at the Department of Motor Vehicles,
allowing drivers to take their tests inebriated, permitting
individual drivers to drive legally up until the point where their
Blood Alcohol Content is so high that they could not pass the
driving test. Abolish D.U.I. roadblocks. Legalize masturbating on the
bus.
2.
TOBACCO: Legalize smoking in bars, or require specialized licensing
as a condition, or tax smoking in bars but allow patrons and owners
to chip in money in order to pay fines. Legalize smoking in all
outdoor areas. Do not restrict smoking as part of theatrical
productions.
3.
DRUGS: Legalize all drugs, whether illicit or by prescription.
Eliminate tariffs and barriers on drug imports from outside the
United States. Social stigma should be placed on drugs that keep
people producing, not drugs used for recreational purposes.
4.
SEX: Keep pornography legal, whether on the internet or in print.
Keep sex clubs and strip clubs legal. Legalize prostitution. Legalize the operation
and maintenance of “whack-off booths” in smut shops; get legal
recognition for sex clubs and smut shops as private
property, not public property
simply due to the fact that they serve the portion of the “public”
that agrees to come onto their private
property (“...you [are] jackin' off out here in public!”).
5.
MARRIAGE: Outlaw gay marriage, and also outlaw straight marriage. Get
government out of marriage for the most part, making marriage an
issue of private contract. Keep incorporation legal for those who
want to unite for tax purposes. Government should only recognize sham
and joke marriages, marriage ceremonies officiated by piss-drinking
Elvises, and marriages for citizenship.
6.
TAXES: Stop taxing non-parents in order to fund schools, the creation
of reduced speed zones near schools, and the installation of child
safety features on taxicabs and other products. Use taxpayer funds to
construct billboards promoting abortion, sodomy, and homosexuality,
in order to curb population growth.
7.
HEALTH: Oppose universal health care for people with poor dieting and
exercise habits. Legalize suicide and euthanasia, and promote
euthanasia in order to reduce health costs. Allow terminally people
to end their own lives by suicide-bombing things nobody will miss,
such as restaurants that stop serving breakfast at a predetermined
time, D.U.I. roadblocks, and Ashton Kutcher.
In
examinations for prostate cancer, permit men to request that the
nurse who performs the examination be willing to insult and sexually
demean the patient during the process (“you better not have
prostate cancer, or I'm gonna give you a shot in your tea-bag!”
“Oh, I'm a little sissy bitch!”).
8.
IMMIGRATION: Do not make English the national language; and allow
contracts, voting, etc., to be written in languages other than
English. Do not give native-born workers any unfair advantages over
foreign or migrant workers, even if they are undocumented /
“illegal”.
Tie
any proposed cuts to aid for illegal immigrants, to similar cuts to
parental subsidization, child tax credits, and maternity leave
rights. (“There's a group of four million people who come into this
country every year, and they don't work, or pay taxes, or speak the
language, and they want everything handed to them, and you know who
I'm talking about: babies. They come out of your hole, they come into
this country... If you have a kid, am I supposed to cheer and support
it just because it's white?”)
9.
JOBS: Do not attempt to achieve full employment, nor to reduce the
unemployment rate; instead achieve 100% unemployment
by replacing work with barter, trade, trading out, and/or a system of
"blowjobs and cheeseburgers".
10.
CURRENCY: Replace entire monetary system with a system of exchange of
blowjobs and cheeseburgers, making religious exemptions for Hindus.
Stop using taxpayer funds to advertise newly designed Federal Reserve
notes, because the advertisement is unnecessary due to the fact that
there is no competition (“If I don't like the design of the new $10
bill, what, am I gonna start using Costa Rican Colones?”).
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