In February 2018, The
Zambian Observer published an article entitled “Witches and
Wizards Are Very Important to the Development of Our Economy –
Prof[essor] Luo”. According to the article, Nkandu Luo, a professor
and Higher Education Minister in Zambia, said that her country ought
to utilize “witchcraft technology” to aid the development of the
nation.
Luo has suggested that
witchcraft technology could be used to help Zambians become capable
of “travelling long distances within seconds”. She has reportedly
called on scientists to “consider conducting research and the study
of witchcraft as a science that can be used productively for the
benefit of the country”, commenting “I could not help but think
of witchcraft when I saw a mobile phone put into a box and it turned
into a lady's pant!”
Fortunately for us in
the Western world, we have our own
“witchcraft technology” that allows us to travel long distances
within seconds, and helps us turn a cell phone into a lady's pant...
it's called a cell phone!
Nevertheless,
Professor Luo is to be commended for her attention to the need to
increase research on witchcraft as a science. Of
course, witchcraft needs to be explored not only as a physical
science, but also as an economic
science. That's because, as an innately spiritual science,
witchcraft studies have applications and ramifications which lie far
outside the realm of the mere
mortal, material, and infrastructural.
Simply
put, a voodoo economics must necessarily have a proper voodoo
microeconomics and a voodoo macroeconomics to go with it. … The
new ritual is gonna help with the corn.
And
that is the purpose of this article; to help explain to you – the
muggle – how to budget your
moon-perusal-time-labor-mountain-hour-value responsibly, so that you
can avoid putting too much of your retirement funds on
over-comprehensively packaged
Petrodollar-Weapondollar-Coalition-backed blood-sweat-tears dollars
derivatives (PWC-USD-BST), and start
putting too much of your retirement savings into living
forever!
It's
fine to think of your retirement as a basket full of “nest eggs”,
but it's better to
think of it as a vampire's bed. It's a casket, not a
basket!TM Planning
to retire is planning to fail. Hey, maybe we would live a little
longer if the money that pays for our medical needs weren't covered
in toxic chemicals!
Once
you've finished summoning the dæmon
or angel of your choice- oops! Did I forget to mention that that's
what you were supposed to be doing while reading the previous
article? Oh well. That's just how chaos magick goes sometimes; you
don't know what you've summoned until the angel is standing over your
left shoulder reading this... Oh hey, how's it goin'!?... Look
what you made me do!
Anyway,
one moment you're fastening a candelabra onto your wall, the next
thing you know, you're reading upside-down and summoning the ghost of
Aaron Spelling so you can spell the word you're spelling correctly
while you cast a spell with the word that you're spelling. It
happened to Xzibit, it can happen to any one of us.
Let your freak Frigg fly.
As
soon as you let the angel (a category which technically encompasses
all dæmons,
in addition to cherubim and other choirs) help you finish your
interior decorating scheme, you are ready to take the steps necessary
to start using the fad currency of this
month,
which I have decided is a tiny clone of Jesus Christ that fits in
your pocket, and writes down all the transactions that you complete
using Him into the Book of Life forever and ever, Amen.
And
this clone of Jesus, His Name shall be called The Bread of LifeTM.
You know that 150-year-old sourdough bread in San Francisco that
keeps expanding, and they keep cutting little hunks of sourdough
bread off of it, and then bake it so they can sell it to people? That
is what the Kingdom of Heaven is like. The life in your loaf is not
diminished by the Wheat in your Feet.
Although I have explained at
great length
in the previous articles why Jesus Christ makes a nearly perfect
currency, to paraphrase John: “there are also many other things
which Jesus did, the which, if they should be written every one, I
suppose that even the world itself could not contain the economics
books that should be written.”
For
Jesus hath paid all our taxes, the rent, and even picked up the check
at the Last Supper, by paying His life, otherwise valued at but
thirty pieces of silver. This
is why self-sacrifice is the basis of prudent investment.
This is, truly, the Greatest Story Ever Sold! It's called the
“Bible”, it tells
you
what to buy right
in the name!
For God's omnipotence is so great that it defies all logic; He is so
all-powerful that even
He
could never make a dinner check so big that He himself could not pick
it up.
Only
a mortal asshole like one
of us
could fuck up so bad that it throws a god
off the course of His day. God's fuckups cost us money, but our
fuckups
cost God
money (Isaiah 53:5). So if you don't use a currency that keeps
current with what God wants, then you're not going to be able to pay
God the specific type of money he said to leave in the knotted Tree
of Life in the park at midnight if you ever want to see His Sun
again.
That
is why I'd like to share with you the Gospel of Christ Socialist, and
accept Jesus Christ as your Lord, Savior, and currency. I mean, if
Jesus Christ is not a major credit card, then why is He accepted
everywhere? This is the illusory nature of God.
The
wages of sin is death. Christ died, you save! Christ's savings get
“passed on” (no pun intended) to you.
A
debt that is forgiven, is considered paid.
Through
Christ, all is
forgiven; the rent, what you owe for your food, your taxes, all
of it.
That means all
is paid;
you don't even owe anyone your blood. Any blood you give will be of
your own volition. Send your blood now to Commodity Fetish Records,
and receive a free permit to commit the sin of your choice! Think of
it as a self-Indulgence, a Get-Out-of-Inquisition-Free Card.
You
can't be saved without God's blood, and you can't be fiscally
responsible unless you take matters into your own Hands, so if God
won't allow His blood to be shed, then you've got to take that blood,
and get your money back! Do you have any idea how valuable the blood
of Christ (also known as Divine Wine) is? Why, you could clone one of
those little blood-cell donuts and make yourself a Jesus-clone with a
donut-hole hand-piercing to sit in your pocket and keep your books
all cosmic Day (1,000 Earth years) long!
Even
mortal blood
makes an excellent currency, as I have explained. It's made of living
tissue, so it's basically alive, and that means it's mobile and
easily transportable. Much like Christ, blood and bloodshed are
accepted everywhere (or, at least, everywhere that Christ
is accepted). You can't have a currency unless it's covered in blood,
and what's more covered in blood than blood itself?
The
answer is, of course, U.S. Dollars. But we must not crucify mankind
on a cross of gold, nor a cross of paper. If we cannot use Go(l)d as
our money, then the Word must suffice. For at least the Word is
written on paper. But if our money is drenched with the Blood of
Christ, then why should it be made of paper and cotton, when it could
be made of paper and wool?
Follow the Lamb.
If
we keep the Bible in our chest pockets, then we can keep God close to
our hearts.
But if we keep Jesus clones in our pants
pockets,
we can keep God close to our farts.
For Jesus-clones, like Peter at the Gates of Dawn
Heaven, are not just Living Blockchains, but Blockchains Who Never
Died. Only Jesus and St. Peter know, with their Book of Life, who
hath smelt it and who hath dealt it; who's been naughty and who's
been nice. They are the Bookkeepers of Life, who taketh all bets.
Yea,
though God the Father be the only one who knoweth when to hold 'em
and knoweth when to fold 'em, mortals may place any bet they please
on when Olam
Ha-Ba
(the World to Come) will be nigh. All opposed, say “nigh”. The
debts of the unrepentant sinners are the only debts left to be paid,
and they must be paid in a Bill, so sayeth Bill Nigh the Christian
Science Guy. But Benedictine Order now, and you can pipe-organ-ize
your pockets with this limited-edition vest-pocket savior! Save your
money, savior soul!
Is
your landlord harassing you for the rent? Well, unless Jesus is
your landlord, just tell them that your rent has already been
paid,
because Jesus
is your real
landlord,
and He has your rent covered... covered
in blood, no less!
That's the kind of true coverage that only a major credit card could
offer. That's why the Body of Christ has been traded - from hand to
hand, from prison to prison - for the last two-thousand-some-odd
years. He never died; He went to Rome, to be crucified again! It's
like the B-52s said: “Rome if you want to, Rome around the world.”
But
Jesus is stuck down in the Vatican vaults somewhere, chained up next
to all the other Human Books, waiting for someone to look Him up in
the RoloCodex. Yea, the Son of God is like a turtle or a hermit crab,
carrying His Cross around – from life to life – as His only
permanent home. This is God's mortgage to bear, literally meaning
“death agreement”.
A
cross, by the way, makes an excellent long-term investment, because
it serves as a mobile home; you can lay down on it even when you have
nowhere to lay Your head.
Don't
get me wrong; we
all
want to “make money”. But remember that gun control slogan “Guns
don't kill people, people
kill
people”? You
don't “make money”; the Department
of the Treasury
does! “How can we make money?” Only with the blood of Jesus. Or
with
a communion wafer printing press.
It
is profoundly irrational, absurd, and naïve to think that you could
“make” money that most other people would be willing to use. Just
as it is absurd to imagine that you can truly earn or own a currency
which is made by somebody else, has the name of a private company on
it, and is covered with the faces of dead people. Shouldn't it be
covered with your
face?
Or maybe, like... the blood of Jesus Christ (like, instead of the
blood, sweat, and tears of the working taxpayer)? But hey, you can't
make a currency omelet without breaking a couple of legs. A currency
amulet,
however, is a different story.
The
hole in our currency is like the holes in our souls. A currency with
a hole in it, is one that can be chained up, and a currency that can
be chained up can also be chained down.
But
on the other HandTM,
a
currency that can be chained up can also
be easily transported.
Of course, you can't make a necklace without something pierced to
thread it through, and an angel that is not held in chains is free to
disobey God.
Being
in chains may bring you sorrow, but if you've ever worked in meat
processing, you know that some tasks require the worker's hands to be
chained in order to prevent them from being accidentally cut off by
giant slicing equipment. And who knows better about how to process
and present an old chunk of flesh, and then act like they didn't play
any role in butchering it, than the Catholic Church? Pews and
graves have got to be filled.
We
must render unto Caesar's that which is Caesar's, and render unto God
that which is God's. In Matthew and Mark, Jesus instructs his
followers to examine whose face is on the coins they're using; it's
the face of Tiberius Caesar.
Is
George Washington on your money? Send it back to George Washington.
Is he dead? Drop it on his grave and make it rain! Is “Federal
Reserve” on your money? Send it back to the Federal Reserve!
They're the only ones who believe it has any value anyway. Jesus,
though, couldn't come right out and say that, because no matter what
He said on the topic, it would have been misinterpreted.
See,
it's not often explained that Jesus had a speech impediment,
resulting from His snake-like triple-forked tongue. It was a mutation
which rendered Him (what, in those days, was considered) a “cripple”.
But just like Rudolph's red nose, this hideous deformity served a
useful purpose to his peers: speaking three languages at once. The
laughing and calling him names came later.
Jesus'
trilingualism - “a state of having three tongues” in denotation,
but “a state of using three languages”
in
connotation -
allowed Him to transmit three messages at once, to three different
audiences (just like Hillary Clinton!). It's confusing to the novice
believer, but if you can read between the two outermost of Jesus's
three tongues, then when you read the Bible, you can read between the
lines.
Don't
believe for a second that you can own a currency that lacks an image
of your own face. As Man is made in the image of God, an image of the
human face is an
image – a representation - of the visage of God. And that is the
true Mark of Value.
Time-Money-Moon-Value.
In
Emperor
we trust.
Written on March 15th, 2018