Saturday, November 7, 2015
Proposal of a Doug Stanhope Caucus of the Libertarian Party
Originally Written and Published in August or September 2014
Edited and Re-Posted on November 7th, 2015
For the last two decades, Connecticut-born comedian Doug Stanhope has travelled across America performing his own brand of off-color and controversial, yet thought-provoking, stand-up comedy.
Stanhope, who says the best place for comedy is wherever the audience is the most miserable, briefly considered running for president in 2008, and wore and sold self-printed “Doug Stanhope for President” T-shirts, until he was told that he could not campaign for president while performing stand-up comedy.
At times, he has instructed his audience members to “vote Libertarian”, and has praised Ron Paul. For his video special “No Refunds”, he wore a baseball uniform bearing the words “Stanhope” and “Libertarian”.
In 2013, Stanhope debated Alex Jones on the broad topic of population control, supporting what he calls “incentive-based eugenics”. Stanhope supports the promotion of alternative sexual lifestyles as a way to curb population growth. He is pro-choice, and once claimed to have “solved abortion six years ago”.
Listening to Stanhope's many comedy albums and bootlegs (of which there are several dozen), one can glean the gist of Stanhope's political views. An avid Stanhope fan myself, I cannot help but wonder, “What would a political party founded on Stanhope's ideas look like?”
That's why I have collected Stanhope's statements on alcohol, motor vehicles, tobacco, drugs, sex, marriage, taxes, health, immigration, jobs, and currency, and sorted them into a set of ten policy proposals, which together make up the political platform of the hypothetical “Doug Stanhope Caucus of the Libertarian Party”:
0. BASIC LAW: There are to be only ten laws, aside from the Basic Law limiting the number of laws to ten. Any time the people want a new law to be adopted and enacted, an old law must be abolished, and its enforcement ceased.
1. ALCOHOL AND MOTOR VEHICLES: Create a personalized “blood alcohol level driving test” at the Department of Motor Vehicles, allowing drivers to take their tests inebriated, permitting individual drivers to drive legally up until the point where their Blood Alcohol Content is so high that they could not pass the driving test. Abolish D.U.I. roadblocks. Legalize masturbating on the bus.
2. TOBACCO: Legalize smoking in bars, or require specialized licensing as a condition, or tax smoking in bars but allow patrons and owners to chip in money in order to pay fines. Legalize smoking in all outdoor areas. Do not restrict smoking as part of theatrical productions.
3. DRUGS: Legalize all drugs, whether illicit or by prescription. Eliminate tariffs and barriers on drug imports from outside the United States. Social stigma should be placed on drugs that keep people producing, not drugs used for recreational purposes.
4. SEX: Keep pornography legal, whether on the internet or in print. Keep sex clubs and strip clubs legal. Legalize prostitution. Legalize the operation and maintenance of “whack-off booths” in smut shops; get legal recognition for sex clubs and smut shops as private property, not public property simply due to the fact that they serve the portion of the “public” that agrees to come onto their private property (“...you [are] jackin' off out here in public!”).
5. MARRIAGE: Outlaw gay marriage, and also outlaw straight marriage. Get government out of marriage for the most part, making marriage an issue of private contract. Keep incorporation legal for those who want to unite for tax purposes. Government should only recognize sham and joke marriages, marriage ceremonies officiated by piss-drinking Elvises, and marriages for citizenship.
6. TAXES: Stop taxing non-parents in order to fund schools, the creation of reduced speed zones near schools, and the installation of child safety features on taxicabs and other products. Use taxpayer funds to construct billboards promoting abortion, sodomy, and homosexuality, in order to curb population growth.
7. HEALTH: Oppose universal health care for people with poor dieting and exercise habits. Legalize suicide and euthanasia, and promote euthanasia in order to reduce health costs. Allow terminally people to end their own lives by suicide-bombing things nobody will miss, such as restaurants that stop serving breakfast at a predetermined time, D.U.I. roadblocks, and Ashton Kutcher.
In examinations for prostate cancer, permit men to request that the nurse who performs the examination be willing to insult and sexually demean the patient during the process (“you better not have prostate cancer, or I'm gonna give you a shot in your tea-bag!” “Oh, I'm a little sissy bitch!”).
8. IMMIGRATION: Do not make English the national language; and allow contracts, voting, etc., to be written in languages other than English. Do not give native-born workers any unfair advantages over foreign or migrant workers, even if they are undocumented / “illegal”.
Tie any proposed cuts to aid for illegal immigrants, to similar cuts to parental subsidization, child tax credits, and maternity leave rights. (“There's a group of four million people who come into this country every year, and they don't work, or pay taxes, or speak the language, and they want everything handed to them, and you know who I'm talking about: babies. They come out of your hole, they come into this country... If you have a kid, am I supposed to cheer and support it just because it's white?”)
9. JOBS: Do not attempt to achieve full employment, nor to reduce the unemployment rate; instead achieve 100% unemployment by replacing work with barter, trade, trading out, and/or a system of "blowjobs and cheeseburgers".
10. CURRENCY: Replace entire monetary system with a system of exchange of blowjobs and cheeseburgers, making religious exemptions for Hindus. Stop using taxpayer funds to advertise newly designed Federal Reserve notes, because the advertisement is unnecessary due to the fact that there is no competition (“If I don't like the design of the new $10 bill, what, am I gonna start using Costa Rican Colones?”).